Falling

by Jane Green

  Emma fully expects Jesse to correct him with a snap, to insist she isn’t his mother, but Jesse says nothing, merely walks over to Emma, who finds her eyes stinging with happy, relieved tears.

  They drive home, Emma enveloped in a warm glow of happiness. Now she is filling Hobbes’s bowl with cat food. Dominic is upstairs talking to Jesse, no longer able to put off telling him about the London trip, which requires that they leave him behind so he doesn’t miss school. It’s not for long, Emma knows, but she’s apprehensive about his reaction just the same.

  The house is quiet. Emma enjoys the peace for a few minutes before she has to run next door and grab some eggs from her fridge. Just as she turns to go, she hears Jesse raise his voice. She pauses, listening, sorry, though unsurprised, that Jesse is upset. She hears Dominic murmuring in a low voice, although she can’t make out what he is saying.

  And then she hears Jesse’s voice rise again. “I hate her,” he says.

  Emma knows it isn’t true, yet it feels as if a knife is twisting in her heart.

  “I hate her,” he says again. “If she wasn’t here, you wouldn’t be going to England and I wish she wasn’t here.”

  “Come on, buddy.” Dominic’s voice is soft, placating. “You know you don’t hate Emma. I’m only going for a few days and you’re going to have fun with Nonna and Papa.”

  “I’m not. You’ve never been away before and I don’t even know Nonna and Papa. I don’t want you to go. Emma can go by herself! Send her away! I don’t want her here anymore. Make her go.”

  “You don’t mean that,” says Dominic in what Emma has come to recognize as his soothing voice. “You love Emma. I know you do. And you love her being around.”

  “I do not!” screams Jesse, sobbing now. “I hate her. You and me are the team. She’s not on our team and we don’t need her and I don’t want her. You keep bringing her on our team and I don’t want her anymore. Send her to England and you stay here with me.”

  “Buddy, I’m sorry you feel that way,” Emma hears Dominic say. “I promise I won’t be away for long, but I’ve already bought my ticket. I know you don’t want Nonna and Papa to stay, but remember what happened last time they were here?”

  “They’ve never stayed here.”

  “Yes, they have,” says Dominic. “You were about four. They stayed for two nights when I went to a wedding in Rhode Island, and you had chocolate ice cream and cannoli for dinner every night.”

  There is a pause. A lowered voice. “I did?”

  “Yes. You did,” says Dominic. “And they took you to the toy store and bought you whatever you wanted. That giant bear over there? That was what you wanted. Remember?”

  Another pause. “Maybe.”

  “I bet they’ll do that again. What’s your favorite food in the world?”

  “French fries.” Jesse is reluctantly being pulled out of his hysteria.

  “What else?”

  “Chocolate ice cream.”

  “What else?”

  “Chocolate chip cookies.”

  “I can pretty much guarantee that Nonna will give you French fries, chocolate ice cream, and chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You know what else?”

  “What?”

  “You know how you think your dad is the best cook in the world? Guess who taught him everything he knows? That’s right. Nonna. You think my chicken parm is good, wait till you try Nonna’s lasagne. Oh my God, Jesse, you will think you have died and gone to heaven.”

  There is a brief silence. “What does that mean? Is that bad?”

  “No! It means it’s good! It’s amazing! It’s the best thing you’ll ever eat in your life. I’m jealous you’re getting to eat all that amazing food and not me.” He pauses, then frowns. “I don’t know about the toy store, though.”

  “What do you mean, you don’t know?”

  “Maybe I should tell them not to take you. All those things you don’t want. Those Star Wars things. That Lego. The stuff you never talk about when you watch TV and see those ads.”

  Emma can practically hear Jesse smiling as his father teases him. “What I really want is a hoverboard.”

  “Then you better let Nonna and Papa stay here, because I’m not planning any trips to the toy store soon, but I guarantee they are. Although . . . I think you may be a little young for a hoverboard.”

  “Okay,” grumbles Jesse, whose heart is no longer in the protest. “Do you think they’ll take me to Skyzone, too?”

  “Most definitely. Why don’t you and I make a list of all the fun stuff you’re going to do when I’m away? And listen, buddy? There’s something else I need to talk to you about, too.”

  “What is it?”

  “Come sit down with me, buddy. I need to talk to you about your mother. You know how you sometimes ask me questions about her, and want to know what she’s like?” There is a pause and Emma imagines Jesse’s nod. “You know she hasn’t lived here for a long time, but I just found out that she’s back in town for a visit.” He pauses again and she pictures Jesse’s eyes widening in surprise. “I know this is a lot for you, and it’s totally fine if you don’t want to see her. But she has asked me if she can meet you. She knows all about what a fantastic kid you are, and she wants to get to know you. But if you don’t want to, that’s absolutely fine. This is all up to you.”

  Jesse seems to be processing all this big information.

  “If you want to, I thought maybe we could meet her for ice cream later today. What do you think?”

  Emma holds her breath.

  “Ice cream?” says Jesse. “Where?”

  TWENTY-THREE

  Waiting for Dominic and Jesse to return from getting ice cream with Stacy is the longest hour and a half Emma can remember. She spends it outside in what she has finally transformed into a sweet little vegetable garden. Dominic had bought wood and made raised beds, filling them with soil dropped off by one of his landscaper friends.

  It was too late to plant seeds, so Emma had run to the garden center and bought the last of the straggly pumpkin plants and squashes, a few eggplants, and two tomato plants, just enough to give her some of the pleasure of picking her own vegetables.

  She had put a large flowerpot in the middle of the yard, filling it with pink geraniums that spilled over the sides and made her think of the south of France, and there is a small stone bench that she perches on now, taking a break from pulling weeds.

  Weeding is like a meditation for her. When she is bending over, digging around for the green invaders, pulling them up by the roots and forming small piles that she lifts into garbage bags, she is thinking of nothing, her brain entirely focused on clearing the beds. When she has weeded as much as she can, she gets the clippers from the garage and clips the boxwoods she had planted around the edges of the small garden into a small, perfect hedge.

  She has barely thought about the fact that Dominic and Jesse are with Stacy. And they have been gone for quite a while.

  As she sits on the bench, hot and sweaty, she hears a screen door slam. She looks up to see Dominic striding toward her.

  “Hey,” he says, bending down to give her a kiss. “I see you’ve been busy.”

  “I can’t believe how many weeds there were after such a short period of time. I have to make a point of getting out here and weeding more often.”

  “Summer’s over,” says Dominic. “You won’t have to worry about it for almost a year.” He sits next to her on the bench before sighing.

  “Everything okay?” says Emma. “How did it go?”

  Dominic frowns and shakes his head. “I can’t tell. Jesse was kind of quiet with her. She asked him a lot of questions about school, and what he likes to do, and he answered everything, but it wasn’t like there was this big bonding moment.”

  “Surely you didn’t expect that?” Emma looks at him in
surprise. “Jesse must have been overwhelmed.”

  “He didn’t seem overwhelmed. He seemed, if anything, bored.”

  “He’s six years old. He probably had no idea how to express anything. Don’t they say that little kids never react to big things in the way we expect? I’m sure there’s a ton of stuff going on in that little mind of his, and you’ll probably get to hear about it when you least expect it.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. I do know that. I just thought he’d talk to me when we left. I asked him if he had any questions or wanted to ask me anything, and all he wanted to know was when the new Star Wars movie is coming out.” Dominic starts to laugh. “That is not what I expected him to say.”

  Emma laughs, too. “He’ll probably ask you about his mum on the way to school, or when you’re giving him a bath or something.”

  “I hope so. I mean, I hope he talks about it sometime. The only thing he asked me was what to call her.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I said to call her Stacy. I didn’t know how else to answer the question. If after this quick trip she really stays in touch with him, and they form a relationship, then maybe he’ll call her Mom someday, but I think that has to be his choice. She can’t ask that of him, and I would feel weird telling him to call her that. What do you think? Do you think that’s okay?”

  “I think you did great,” smiles Emma. “I would have said exactly the same thing.”

  “Thanks. She wants to pick him up on Monday and take him to the toy store.”

  “Did you say yes?”

  Dominic frowns. “I said I’d think about it. I’m worried that it’s all happening too fast. She won’t be here for long and I don’t want to get him too attached too soon.”

  “He won’t. It’s only a couple of days. And it’s the toy store. Let her spoil him if she wants to, and let him get to know her. Nothing huge is going to happen in such a brief period of time. She’s not going to be able to hurt him in a few days.”

  She takes Dominic’s hand. “If you don’t take the risk of allowing him to be loved by her, you’re also keeping him from something momentous, something you said you’ve always wanted.”

  Dominic closes his eyes. “I know, I know. But wanting it when she wasn’t around, when it was only an abstract concept, is very different from wanting it now that she’s here and could hurt him again.”

  “It’s like falling in love,” says Emma. “You have to give it everything you have or you’ll miss out on all of it, the highs and the lows. You have to close your eyes and jump, hoping that you’ll be caught, that you’ll emerge better for the experience.” For a moment, Emma pauses, wondering when she had come to feel this way about love. She never believed any of this before. It was all new. It was Dominic. “You have to allow this to happen between Jesse and Stacy, however scared you are. You have to step back and allow him the experience of getting to know his mother.”

  “You’re right. I know you’re right. So I let her pick him up?”

  “Yes. If you still feel weird about it, you can always go with.”

  “I think I still feel weird about it.”

  “So accompany them. You’ll feel better.”

  “You know what makes me feel better?” He smiles at her. “You. You always know exactly what to say. How did you get to be so smart?”

  Emma smiles. “And you thought I was just a pretty face.”

  • • •

  They spend Sunday working in the garden and watching Jesse have the time of his life on the trampoline. Not surprisingly, he falls asleep right after dinner, which is a great thing both because the next day is finally the first day of school and because it gives Emma and Dominic the kind of quiet night at home they treasure. A healing night.

  The next day, after Jesse goes to school, Emma spends the morning working, posting new photos of her work online, while Dominic goes out on a carpentry job. Just after lunch, Emma takes a break to text Sophie.

  I miss you! Want to have tea later today? How about Neat at four?

  I miss you, sister! comes back, seconds later. But, ugh, I’ve got a gym class with the boy this afternoon. How about tomorrow morning?

  Client meeting Lunch?

  Can’t. Ugh. Shall we text tomorrow and see if we can squeeze in something quick?

  Sure! Emma fills a line with the kissing face emoji, then loads her car with returns she has to drop off, and mail she has to send, and sets off to do her errands, singing out loud to Jason Mraz as she makes her way up the Post Road.

  She is driving across the bridge on the way to Whole Foods when she sees them, and her breath catches in her throat as she sits in traffic, unable to tear her eyes away.

  Dominic is holding Jesse’s left hand, Stacy his right. They are doing the one-two-three-swing with him, something Emma and Dominic have never thought to do with him themselves. Jesse seems too old for that, too big, far too mature to enjoy it, but there he is, being swung, and all three of them are laughing, looking like the most perfect, perfectly happy family you could ever wish to see.

  Emma finishes her errands in a haze. She admonishes herself to not jump to conclusions; she resolves to listen, and pay attention, and thereby gets through the afternoon. She is cooking dinner when they get home. She is on her second glass of wine, with loud music on in the kitchen to try to distract her from her fears.

  She hears the front door open and sees Jesse, a blur running upstairs to his room. Dominic looks happy, happier, she is sure, than she has seen him look in ages. Maybe ever.

  She feels sick.

  “How’s my girl?” He bends to kiss her and she kisses him back, forcing a smile, trying to pretend that everything is fine. All she can think of is the image of the three of them, Jesse swinging between his two parents, delight on each of their faces.

  “I’m fine. How did it go?”

  “It was fine.” Dominic shrugs. “Nothing dramatic. We had a good time. Jesse had a good time, and so far he hasn’t asked me anything.”

  “I saw you, you know,” she says, instantly reprimanding herself for mentioning it. She hadn’t wanted to say anything, but the words, the feelings, wouldn’t stay in.

  “You did? Where?” There is nothing but innocent delight on his face.

  “On the bridge. Swinging Jesse.”

  Dominic shakes his head. “Oh man. I told him he was too big and too grown-up, but it was Stacy’s idea. And she was right. He loved it.”

  “I saw.” Emma turns away.

  “Emma? Honey? What’s the matter?”

  Emma shrugs miserably before turning back to face him. “I’m sorry. I hate myself for feeling this way. I saw the three of you together, and you looked like the perfect family.” Her voice wobbles. “I’m the one who feels like the intruder now. I’m thrilled that Jesse has the chance to get to know his mum, but I’m scared, and I grew more scared after I saw you today. You looked . . . happy.”

  “I was happy,” he says quietly, taking her hands. “I was happy because Jesse knowing his mother is something I’ve always wanted. This has nothing to do with me. I love you, Emma. You are the only woman I want to be with, ever. Even if there was something between me and Stacy, which there isn’t, at all, but even if she thought, I don’t know, that she’d come back to try to make it work with me, it wouldn’t matter.” He sighs. “How can I say it so you can hear me?”

  Emma looks at him. “I don’t know. I think it’s just this stupid thing I’m going through. I feel better, though, hearing you say that.” She gives him an embarrassed smile, allowing herself to be gathered in his arms. “And the wine helps.”

  “Okay, I’m glad you feel better. Because there’s one more thing.” He holds her tight. “Stacy has asked if Jesse can stay with her while we’re away.”

  Emma steps back, furrowing her brow. “What? I thought she was leaving.”

&nb
sp; “She was. But she said she can change her flight to spend more time with Jesse.”

  “Do you feel safe enough leaving Jesse with her? He doesn’t really know her.”

  Dominic nods. “I know. But he doesn’t really know my parents, either. I don’t know what to do. She asked him if he wanted to come stay with her and he seemed to think it was the best idea ever.”

  Emma is horrified. “She asked him? Without checking with you?”

  “Jesse had volunteered that Nonna and Papa were going to stay with him when we were away and she offered.”

  “So what did you say?”

  “I said we’d already made plans with my parents.”

  “And?”

  “And she said plans could be changed.”

  “I don’t like this,” says Emma. “I think it’s too much, too soon, and you can’t be around to monitor what happens.”

  “I know. That’s how I feel, too, but Jesse was so eager to be with her, and I keep thinking about what you said, about how sometimes you have to close your eyes and jump in.”

  “Not when it’s unsafe. I didn’t mean let him stay with her all that time on his own.”

  “She’s sober now, Emma. I think she really is. And I’ve talked to other friends who know her, and they think she is, too. It’s probably better than having him stay with my parents and their shouting. I think this might be a good thing, and I don’t know how I can say no.”

  Emma sighs. “I can’t tell you what to do, Dominic. If you think it’s a good idea, then do it. I think it’s a huge risk. She may be sober, but she hasn’t shown herself to be responsible. Don’t you want to give this some time, ease into this relationship slowly? Isn’t that better for Jesse?”

  “In an ideal world, of course that would be better for Jesse. But it’s not ideal. I honestly don’t know which is the lesser of two evils, Stacy or my parents. And I think Jesse will have a better time with Stacy. But it’s more than that. I saw them together today. They seemed to be making a real connection. It made me feel like our trip was a good thing, I mean to give them a chance to spend a few days alone together. Maybe that’s what they need to establish a real relationship. And ultimately isn’t that what I want for him?”