Prairie Fire

by Djuna Shellam

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she wept softly, but so deeply her insides hurt. She wanted a do-over and knew it was now impossible. No, she didn’t want to get back together with Fiona, but she wanted… Fiona back, alive. She should have kept in better touch knowing what a loner Fiona was. Did she let Fiona down in anyway? Why did this happen? How did she hurt Prairie, and when? Em was awash in guilt and regret, and filled with questions.

  “Fiona!” she wailed.

  ~/~/~/~/~

  Em didn’t know how long she’d been sitting at her desk, weeping, remembering, and she didn’t care. She reread Fiona’s letter, looked at the photos, and experienced the pain of losing Fiona all over again.

  Hurled into the past, Em remembered that day on the beach as vividly as if it had just happened. In her mind’s eye she saw Fiona, standing right there on the beach, her camera poised to capture some photographic gem, the gentle ocean breeze sending her hair every which way. She closed her eyes and so clearly remembered them together. Yes, she remembered endlessly making love the night before and the afterglow that continued unabated through the next days, falling completely and absolutely in love with Fiona—Fiona with her camera—that perfect day in Los Angeles. She laid her head back down on the desk, wondering how she was going to live the rest of her life without Fiona in it.

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  In the Blink of an Eye

  28.1—Truth

  As she lay with her head on her desk, Em’s mind whirled with so many memories that tumbled from its deepest recesses. The more Em remembered, the more baffled she became. She tried to organize her history, to somehow understand everything from the past, but the more she tried, the more muddled everything became.

  All of the emotions, the love she had for Fiona, had somehow been pushed down so deep into her psyche for so many years that she had blocked them out completely. So completely that for nearly twenty years, Em had denied what she felt for Fiona lest she go mad with grief over not being able to be with her. Alice and Prairie had almost become an afterthought in the next several years after Fiona moved to San Francisco as Em tried to deal with how hopelessly in love she was with Fiona, and that no matter how badly she might want it, they could never be together.

  Em thought back to her breakdown just a few years before, right before Eve appeared in her life, when she’d been so consumed and nearly driven mad by the loss of Alice. Try as she might, Em just could not reconcile her feelings for Alice compared to the enormity of those she’d had for Fiona. Once Em had fallen in love with Fiona, though she still felt deep remorse and responsibility for Alice’s death, Fiona held Em’s heart completely, not Alice. Fiona’s love was the love she wanted and craved, not Alice’s. After many years following Fiona’s departure and their parting of ways, Em would only allow herself to acknowledge a special bond with Fiona, and nothing more. She couldn’t. If she gave herself even the smallest allowance of thinking of Fiona as a lover, as someone she had loved more than she had loved anyone, and someone with whom she could make a life, it would send her into an emotional tailspin. And so, she pushed herself into a state of denial and emotional exile.

  The more she pondered it, the more Em considered the possibility that all of those deep emotions, all of that incredible love she had for Fiona—all of that teeming emotional energy—had to go somewhere, and it did. Perhaps, after so many years, combined with the emotional breakdown she experienced over her parents’ deaths and her guilt over Alice, it seemed plausible that it all went to Alice. Em considered the possibility that she had projected her feelings for Fiona onto safe, dead, Alice. There was far less risk to angst over Alice than Fiona, wasn’t there? Em felt certain that if she had let her longing and desires focus upon Fiona and how much she loved her, Em might have been compelled to seek Fiona out, and then what? Nothing good, Em concluded. She shook her head. Her subconscious had clearly protected her.

  Now that all of the emotions for Fiona she had pushed down came rushing back into plain view, Em found herself going round and round in circles in her head, between Alice and Fiona, amazed at what had happened. If Em had allowed herself to deal with how she felt for Fiona, and fought to be with her, according to her letter, Fiona wouldn’t have allowed them to be a couple even if Prairie hadn’t been in the picture. Even so, perhaps Em wouldn’t have gone down the rabbit hole, focusing on Alice as target of her love and guilt as she did. Em felt sick in her stomach thinking about it all. If only she could talk to someone about it, she could work through some of the uncertainties, questions and confusion, but she couldn’t. Perhaps, someday, she could talk to Eve, but for now, there was no one. Tears began to roll silently down the side of her face, dropping onto the desk blotter. In this aspect of Fiona’s death, Em was completely alone.

  The stark reality of her state of aloneness was almost too much for her. Em reconsidered talking to Eve about Fiona despite everything, because she had always been able to talk to Eve about everything, but she concluded that none of it mattered anymore. Both Alice and Fiona were gone, and Em and Eve had found each other. It was meant to be that they were together. The way Em and Eve loved each other was similar, but in most ways entirely different from how she and Fiona loved. Yes, Em had felt a oneness with Fiona; a bond that felt almost as if they had been lovers in another life or several, or shared a womb—something that intimate, that profound. Their love was passionate, hungry, esoteric. It was perfect in every way but that their love and respect for Prairie surpassed their love for each other.

  With Eve, Em felt everything she felt for Fiona—but a thousand times over—as well as what she didn’t have words to describe. There probably weren’t words yet invented to properly describe how she felt about Eve. She’d never felt so comfortable, so safe, so loved, so complete nor content, not in her entire life. Nothing in the world, the universe, transcended her union with Eve. Em sighed deeply, filled with a strange combination of overwhelming sadness and great, unfettered, joy.

  28.2.—Not Fiona

  Prairie and Eve waited quietly, trying to ignore Em’s intermittent, audible anguish, but agreed Em needed to work through her feelings alone. They both knew her well enough to understand she would let them know when and if she needed them. They also knew Em and Fiona’s relationship was unlike any other and that they were mere bystanders. Neither of them particularly understood the special relationship because Em never spoke of it in detail, other than that Fiona was a type of soulmate she couldn’t quite explain. It had been over an hour since Em had entered the library with the envelope, but in the last twenty, or perhaps even thirty minutes, not a sound came from behind the library doors.

  Prairie sat next to Liam on the sofa, while Eve curled up on the chair, silently waiting. Eve was biting her lower lip, worried sick about Em and wondering what was going to happen to their lives with the news and Liam. She didn’t mind the idea of raising Liam at all, but she was worried about how Em was going to handle it. Eve knew Em only agreed to them having a child because of her. This was a completely different situation altogether.

  As Eve mentally tried to work through all of the emotions and logistics required to raise a toddler, Prairie sat and quietly observed the woman who had captured Em’s heart completely. Prairie knew Eve was two or three years older than Em, but like Em, she seemed much younger than her years. Eve seemed oddly familiar to her, though Prairie couldn’t place her. Though she felt confident she would have remembered Eve if they had ever ended up together after a night in the clubs, she couldn’t be sure—the list of one night stands was a long one. She quickly dismissed the possibility.

  Tall like Em, Eve wore dark workout pants, thick gray athletic socks, and a gray, nondescript hooded sweatshirt. Eve’s short, naturally blonde hair was highlighted with evenly distributed white and light gray strands. The cut was a natural wash and wear style Prairie found attractive. Eve’s face was angular, but soft, about as all-American apple pie as you could get, Prairie thought, amused. She, herself, had been des
cribed as such her whole life, but felt Eve more aptly fit the description than she ever had or could. Eve was quiet, but when she spoke, her voice was pleasant, with a tone Prairie could only describe as kind. Prairie absentmindedly nodded her head with approval.

  While waiting, Prairie thought about Em and how long it had been since they had seen each other in person. Too long, Prairie thought. It wasn’t purposeful on her part but just how it seemed to work out. They never found themselves in the same vicinity at the same time, and whenever they tried to schedule a reunion, their schedules clashed. Over the years, telephone conversations that were once intimate and seemingly endless, became short, weather-oriented laundry lists of activity reports.

  When she thought back to when they were a couple, Prairie couldn’t believe how far apart they’d drifted. She blamed herself and her obsession with her career, but Prairie also knew that the unspoken threat of Alice returning had greatly influenced her decisions. She wondered how everything would have turned out had Em been honest with her about Alice in the beginning.

  Prairie sighed. After seeing her for the first time in so many years, Prairie was surprised at just how much she had missed Em. Not only that, but she felt Em was the only one in the world who would understand how devastated she was about Fiona. Even more than Prairie could know, because Em had loved Fiona the way Prairie had, but with Fiona’s reciprocal love, something Prairie had never experienced. Prairie began to feel anxious, waiting for Em to emerge from the library. She really needed to talk to her. Alone.

  “Um…” Prairie broke the silence and addressed Eve. “I think I should go talk to Em, you know… about…” she began to stand up.

  Eve’s attention immediately focused on Prairie. “Oh… sure, yeah. Of course,” she agreed, thinking that should be the next step. Eve nodded her head toward the library. “Through the big doors.”

  Prairie nodded affirmatively and headed toward the library. She worried what she would find inside, how Em’s emotional state would be. At the doors, Prairie knocked softly and waited for an answer. None came. She looked back at Eve who encouraged her to knock again. Prairie inhaled deeply and knocked again. Again, no answer. Looking to Eve once more for guidance, Eve said just loud enough for Prairie to hear, “Go on in.”

  ~/~/~/~/~

  Prairie closed the large door behind her, noting Em appeared to be asleep at a large desk. Her head lay on her folded arms. Prairie quickly glanced around the room with floor to ceiling built-in shelves filled with books of all sizes and shapes in the enormous library.

  “Em?” she inquired softly as she inched her way closer to the desk. “Em? May I… is it all right if I… come in?”

  Em started, quickly sitting up in her chair. Upon seeing Prairie, she immediately, but nonchalantly, pushed Fiona’s letter and the photos together and laid the envelope on top of them. “Prairie,” she said with sadness in her voice. “Come sit down by me,” she said, indicating the chair on the side of the desk where Eve would sit and visit whenever Em was working.

  Prairie walked over to the desk, sat down and looked at Em intently before she asked, “Are you all right?”

  Em flopped back into the leather chair, emotionally wrung. “It’s unbelievable, Prairie. I can’t believe she’s really gone. My mind, my heart… just won’t, can’t accept it.”

  “I know. It’s a bad dream.”

  “I don’t understand. Did she seem sick to you? I mean…” Em didn’t want to divulge the contents of the letter other than the basics. Still, she was hoping Prairie could give her more insight.

  “Yeah,” Prairie admitted, her heart heavy. “The last time I was there, I asked her about it. She seemed so tired, sleeping a lot. She said it was from being a full-time mum, but something wasn’t right. I pressed her on it, but she insisted everything was fine. Now I wish…” Prairie closed her eyes. “I should have insisted she go to a doctor. I should have taken her to one, then maybe…”

  “Prair…” Em interrupted. She reached over and took Prairie’s hand. “She’d been to doctors. Specialists. She had advanced heart disease and needed a heart transplant.”

  Prairie’s eyes grew wide. “What the… why didn’t she… tell me?”

  “She said she needed you to be normal around her. She knew…” Em stuffed the emotion down that threatened to bubble up again. “She knew she was going to die and didn’t want the end of her life to be about that. She knew how much you loved her, and that you…”

  “Would do everything I could do to save her. Damned right!” Prairie said angrily. “She should have told me, Em. I…” Prairie stopped as the realization hit her and began to sob.

  “Oh, Prairie… honey…” Em didn’t know what to say as she watched grief consume Prairie.

  “Em… I loved her. She was my… one,” Prairie wept. “She’s always been the one. The last time I was there, I was going to tell her I wanted… to be with…” Prairie couldn’t speak as she remembered trying to tell Fiona how she felt and what she wanted, and then didn’t because she knew what Fiona’s answer would be. She left Fiona’s for the last time, thinking it should be the last time, but felt certain it wouldn’t be. She was wrong.

  “You mean you…” Em was trying to wrap her mind around what Prairie had just told her. “Fiona was…” In Fiona’s letter she wrote that she thought Prairie loved her more than anyone, but Prairie had just told Em that Fiona was Prairie’s “one.” What was going on?

  Neither said a word for a long time, and then Prairie broke the silence. She needed to confess to Em. There was no longer any reason to keep the truth from her. “When Fi and I were in England, we were… lovers, Emmy.”

  Em reeled back slightly.

  “Well, it was one-sided on my part, but god, I loved her more than… life. But she thought we were just shag buddies. Never more than that.” Prairie scoffed softly. “She broke my heart into a million g’zillion pieces. I never stopped loving her, but…” Prairie paused to remember. “She never loved me back—not like that.”

  “But we… you and I…” Em was trying to piece everything together, the timeline of their apparent lesbian incest.

  “When I fell in love with you, Emmy, I thought I was over Fiona. Completely. Honestly, I did. I never talked about her because it was such an open, continuous wound—and irrelevant to us.”

  “But you stayed friends,” Em stated, searching Prairie’s face, amazed this was the first she’d heard of Fiona and Prairie being lovers.

  “Yeah. I wanted to, and she seemed to prefer that arrangement. We’d never… After England, we never were… together again.” Prairie closed her eyes. She hated telling Em everything, but felt she could, and should, now that Fiona was gone.

  Em waited for Prairie to continue, seeing that she needed to talk to someone.

  “I found myself getting a little jealous while she was staying at the house. You two were getting so close as friends, I worried that…” Prairie sighed heavily. “When I was more concerned that I might be losing Fiona to you, rather than you to Fiona, I realized that I still loved her more than… anyone. Even you, I’m ashamed to say.”

  Em was astonished. She had no idea. Fiona never ever mentioned that she and Prairie had been lovers or whatever they were, nor had Prairie. No wonder Prairie had been so surprisingly understanding when Em had called to end their relationship.

  “I loved you so much, Em, but…” Prairie bowed her head.

  “Prair… it’s okay.” Em wasn’t actually sure whether it was okay or not, but it didn’t matter anymore. She was with the love of her life, Eve, and the love she had for Eve eclipsed any love she’d ever had. Alice was her first, and she thought she was it—the one. It ended tragically, but in hindsight, learning of Prairie’s unrequited love for Fiona, one thing became clear—Fiona was, in a certain way, Prairie’s Alice. The depth of Prairie’s love for Fiona was one-sided. Em knew all too well how that felt.

  Em and Prairie were more of a romance born of circumstance, not destined fo
r longevity, and more of a placeholder for them both. They were exactly what each other needed in that space and time. A healing coupling of sorts. Em and Fiona, deeply and hopelessly in love, were no less than tragic, star-crossed, lovers. The deep, passionate love that happened between them was never meant to be more than it was. Deirdre and Em were… Em didn’t really know what they were. That five-year relationship ended at the beginning of Em’s breakdown after her parents’ deaths. She wasn’t even sure she ever even loved Deirdre, let alone if she was in love with her.

  Em was experiencing great sadness for Prairie, who had obviously lost the one woman she’d waited her entire life to love her back. Em, in many ways, understood Prairie’s pain because she had waited for Alice to love her back, and Alice also died before they ever got that chance. Looking back, Em knew, from the moment she fell in love with Eve, that Eve was everything she had longed for in Alice, and couldn’t have with Fiona. She hoped someday Prairie would find her Eve. She deserved to be loved completely.

  “I know you did, Prairie. I loved you, too. But neither of us were…” Fiona, Em wanted to say, but couldn’t. Em shook her head, thinking as her heart was nearly pounding out of her chest, Oh what tangled webs we weave…

  “I’m sorry I never you told you about… us. Fiona and me,” Prairie said, looking into Em’s eyes, begging for forgiveness.

  “Prairie,” Em said gently, “We both loved Fi in our own way. We can’t worry about… the past. We were fortunate to… have her… in our lives, however it was. She loved us. You and me, Prair, and of course, Liam. Think how amazing it is to be two of the only three people in the whole world she loved. She was so special…” Em began to cry, her own words cutting to the quick of her heart. Prairie wiped her own tears away, stood up and went to Em, hugging her tightly while Em sat in her chair. Em hugged her back, filled with emotion.