by Levine, Nina
Madison: Leave it with us. We’ll see what we can come up with.
Scarlett: Oh boy. The suspense is already killing me.
Wilder: This fucking chat is killing me.
Scarlett: I’m so glad I could be of service today.
Nash: Christ, I’m throwing my fucking phone away.
3
Post NYE Text
Layla: You guys are the best. You all rocked it last night. Thank you!! It was the best NYE at the bar I’ve ever had.
Madison: It was so much fun! Sign me up for this year’s NYE.
Chelsea: Me too!!!
Sophia: Yes, I’m in too.
Velvet: Same! I can’t wait to see what theme you choose for the next one.
Madison: I’ve got a great idea.
Harlow: I’m in too.
Layla: I love you girls. What’s the idea, Madison? I need all the help on this.
Madison: Since the guys refused to dress up, I think us girls should do the dressing up next time. I saved some ideas on a Pinterest board. Here’s the link: pinterest.com.au/madison/sexy-af-nye-outfits-to-mess-with-j
Chelsea: OMG YES YES YES!!! I love that sparkly red dress so much!!
Madison: IKR! And what about that black one with the slit that goes right up to her ass and those knee-high boots. *dead*
J: No fucking way are you wearing any of that shit, Madison.
Layla: Holy. Hell. Yes. My customers will go wild for this theme.
Nash: What the fuck’s the theme? All I’m seeing is a whole lot of skin and tits.
Scarlett: I mean, “Skin & Tits 2022” works, don’t you think, Nash? The banner can read “Happy fucking New Year. Let it all hang out in 2022.”
Nash: No one fuckin’ invited you, Scarlett.
Madison: Basically it’s just about the sparkle. Sexy sparkle. We can come up with a cool name for the theme.
J: You might as well just wear a fucking bikini. A topless beach theme or some shit.
Madison: Oooh, great idea, baby. I knew you’d get on board. I could imagine us girls all wearing a bikini and serving cocktails. I’m not really into the topless part of it, though. I wouldn’t have thought you’d be okay with that, J.
J: I’m fucking out for this conversation.
Madison: Oh, really? Such a shame. You could have helped us choose the dresses.
Velvet: I love this idea (not the topless bikini idea). There are some gorgeous dresses at that Pinterest link, Madison.
Sophia: Can you add us to that board, Madison? So we can pin things if we see something that fits the theme.
Harlow: Great idea.
Madison: Will do.
Layla: Yeah, I’m not really into the topless idea, J.
J: I’m not fucking into it either. Fucking hell. Take me out of this fucking chat.
Wilder: Add me to that list of people to be removed.
Scarlett: You mean, you’re not having fun, Master?
Wilder: Have you finished going over the inventory, Scarlett? I have other shit for you to do now.
Scarlett: Of course you do. I live to serve. I shall run to your office for your next to-do list.
Nash: Fuck, now this is a work fuckin’ chat too?
Madison: OK, I’ve added everyone to the Pinterest board. Layla, we could all get together for a planning session if you want. I don’t wanna take over here, though, so just tell me to back off if it feels like I am.
J: Good fucking luck, Layla. When Madison gets an idea in her head, no one has any chance of getting a word in.
Madison: Baby, I thought you wanted to do that thing to me tonight that you mentioned this morning.
J: If I have to sit through this fucking chat, you’re fucking doing that shit tonight.
Layla: I would love your help on this, Madison. A planning session sounds good! Maybe next weekend?
Chelsea: I can do it next weekend.
Gunnar: The fuck? I’m not fucking waiting until next weekend for you to wrap your lips around my dick.
Chelsea: Baby, this is the group chat, not our private one.
Gunnar: Thank fuck.
Griff: I’m trying to get some work done here. Can you agree the fuck on a theme and stop chatting for the rest of the day?
Scott: That’d make my fuckin’ day.
Blade: No bikinis, Layla.
J: Fucking finally. Someone with some fucking sense.
Layla: We’ve decided on a theme. We’re going with the tits and skin theme *insert winky face emoji*
Nash: Someone take my fuckin’ phone off me and never fuckin’ give it back.
4
Spa Day Planning Text
Chelsea: So I’m sitting on my couch with a glass of wine and I’m thinking about our planning session tomorrow. And maybe I’ve had a little too much to drink, but how’s this for an idea – what if you hold a Spa Day on the 2nd Jan? Think mimosas, massages, pedicures, facials and maybe brunch. Market it as an “ease into the new year by treating yourself” kind of event.
Madison: Holy shit, I love this idea! I would so be in that.
Layla: Wow, this sounds fantastic, Chelsea! The 2nd is a Sunday, so that would work great for a lazy day of spoiling. And since Sundays are quiet in the bar, this might be a good way of drumming up new business. I love it!
Layla: Velvet, would you be interested in joining forces with me on this?
Madison: You could also consider getting Roxie in on it too. She and Velvet could glam the girls up.
Chelsea: Oooh, and maybe find a photographer to come in too. They could take glam photos. Such a fun way to start a new year!
Harlow: I love all these ideas! And I have the best idea – hire some sexy men to serve drinks!
Madison: Or save the money and get our guys to do that.
Chelsea: LOL, Gunnar’s with me on the couch and just read that. Going by his reaction, I’m not sure we’d have much luck convincing them to do that.
J: You’re fucking right there, Chelsea.
Sophia: Yeah, Griff just shook his head, no. I think we may need to hire men for that. And I love the idea for this!
Harlow: Scarlett, where are you, girl? You’re the decorating queen. You could transform the bar into a day spa vibe, right?
Madison: Oh well, if we have to hire sexy men, we have to hire sexy men. I’ll take point on it if you decide to do that, Layla *insert winky face emoji*
Madison: Oh wait, it seems J’s not happy with that idea either. He’s sitting here giving me the look.
Chelsea: The look?
Madison: Yeah, it’s similar to the look he gives me when I wear my favourite little black dress out.
Harlow: LOL. The dress that barely covers anything?
Madison: Yes, that one. Layla please tell me you want to hire sexy men. And that you want me to take charge of that job. It’d make my night because J has been a moody ass all day. I need a reward for putting up with him.
Velvet: Just caught up on the messages. I’d love to join forces with you, Layla! This sounds like fun.
Nash: Jesus, why do you girls keep fuckin’ coming up with ways to torture us? You force me to serve drinks to people, you’re gonna have a lot of unhappy fuckin’ customers.
Scarlett: That is true. Although, if I could round a unicorn up for you to ride in on, would that make you happier, Nash?
Nash: If someone can’t fuckin’ remove me from this chat, can they at least fuckin’ remove Scarlett?
Blade: I know some guys who’d be interested in making some extra cash.
Madison: Yes, but are they sexy, Blade?
Blade: Have I ever led you astray?
J: Who are these guys?
Madison: Why, baby? You wanna come check them out with me?
Nash: I’d take a guess he wants to run a full fuckin’ background check before you set foot near them.
Gunnar: I’ll fucking help with that check.
Layla: Guys, Blade wouldn’t recommend anyone he didn’t trust.
J: I don’t
fucking trust anyone I don’t know, Layla.
Nash: I’m with J on this.
Blade: I do trust them, but I’m the same and always run checks myself. I’ll send their details over for you guys to vet them.
Griff: I’ll run those checks, J.
Scarlett: Shit escalated fast there. Shall I send over the details for the unicorn I’m sending Nash so you can vet it too?
Layla: Scarlett, you guys cater for events through the restaurant, right?
Scarlett: Yes.
Wilder: We’ll give you a discount, Layla.
Layla: Thanks! Okay, so we’ll add this to our planning session tomorrow. Seriously, I think you girls need to help me plan events for each month this year. Brainstorming with you all generates some great ideas.
Madison: How about a Magic Mike type night every now and then?
Madison: Maybe weekly.
Madison: I could go for this nightly even. Especially when my husband is PMSing.
Velvet: LOL. What the hell did you do today, J? I feel like you should maybe leave home for the night.
Madison: Oh, trust me, he’s on the couch tonight.
J: I’m not on the fucking couch tonight.
Madison: Well, your dick is. I refuse to share a bed with it tonight.
Nash: Jesus, do we all need to hear this shit?
Wilder: Is there a way to mute this fucking chat?
Scarlett: Yes, Master, throw your phone away.
Sophia: I was reading up about IMS the other day. It’s a thing.
Gunnar: The fuck is IMS?
Scarlett: It refers to that time of the month when a man should walk around with a sign attached to his forehead that says “Avoid me. I’m a Male Shithead at the moment.” IMS for short.
Madison: It really is a thing. Some men don’t just suffer from it once a month, though. Trust me on that.
Nash: Where the fuck are you pulling this shit from?
Harlow: Google Irritable Male Syndrome, Nash.
Madison: I think I may have found the cure for it. I’ll keep you updated if it works.
Harlow: What is it?
Madison: No processed food. No caffeine. No alcohol. No dairy. A range of supplements. Exercise. And maybe some acupuncture. Oh, and a Chinese herbal concoction I picked up today.
Scott: It was good to fuckin’ know you, J.
Nash: I think you forgot one thing, Madison. No sex.
Sophia: *insert laughing emojis*
Chelsea: OMG I can’t wait to see how this pans out *insert laughing emoji*
Scarlett: No background check needed on those guys now, J. The only thing you’ll be worried about going forward is what the fuck you’ll be eating at your next meal.
J: There’s no fucking way I’m doing any of that shit, Madison.
Havoc: How the fuck you all went from discussing a planning session to this is fucking beyond me.
Wilder: Me too, brother. Me fucking too.
Nash: I’m settling in now. I can’t fuckin’ wait to hear how J survives the hell he’s about to go through.
Madison: Don’t get too comfy, Nash.
Nash: Why the fuck not?
Velvet: Because I also picked up that Chinese concoction and think we should try that eating plan.
Carla: Nash, I feel like you guys should have just agreed to serve drinks at Layla’s event.
Scarlett: Maybe now’s the time for me to send that unicorn over, Nash.
Nash: *insert three middle finger emojis*
5
Sandwiches Text
Harlow: Checking in with you girls to see how the IMS cure is going?
Madison: I could answer that if J actually followed the plan.
Velvet: Nash has had two days of the plan. I’m pretty sure he’s more irritable than he was before starting it. But maybe that’s the detox off caffeine and crappy food. I’m doing it with him and had a bad headache for the first day and a half. Starting to ease now. Fingers crossed it works some magic soon!
Sophia: I can’t wait to see how it all goes.
Scarlett: I can’t wait to see who commits murder first.
Carla: OMG I didn’t think my brother would actually follow through on this. Go Nash!
Nash: That herbal shit tastes like ass.
Velvet: Yeah, and it smells pretty awful too.
J: It fucking smells like something died in there.
Chelsea: Well there goes any hope of me convincing Gunnar to try this.
Madison: I think we might try to do some of the things going forward, but not all of them. The herbal tea might have to go I think.
J: The herbal tea is off the fucking table unless you’re looking for a divorce.
Madison: Baby, you would never divorce me, and everyone knows it.
J: If there’s one fucking thing that could convince me it’d be a good idea, it’s that fucking tea.
Nash: I agree with J. That tea was created by some woman whose man didn’t know how the fuck to use his dick. The tea was her ‘fuck you’ to all men out there.
Chelsea: OK, so maybe if I don’t buy the tea for Gunnar we could still try everything else.
Velvet: Yeah, I think that could be the way to go.
Harlow: What about the acupuncture? Are you guys gonna do that?
J: Fuck no. I’m not having fucking needles stuck in me.
Madison: I told you it doesn’t hurt, J.
J: I don’t give a fuck. I’m not doing it.
Scarlett: Let’s say it louder for those in the back, J.
Sophia: I’ve had it a few times and it really helped me. Sometimes you feel something with the needles in certain points of the body, but I wouldn’t really call it pain. More like pressure.
Velvet: Nash and I are booked in for it tomorrow.
Gunnar: The fuck, Chelsea? I’m not giving up food, coffee, and booze. I’ll do the acupuncture though.
Scarlett: Between these three, we could build the perfect man. Oh wait, sorry, wrong group chat.
Harlow: Speaking of group chats, Scar, you’re texting a lot today. I thought you hated all this texting.
Scarlett: *insert shrug emoji*
Wilder: It’s the sandwich I fed her this morning. It put her in a good mood.
Nash: The sandwich?
Scarlett: Yes, the sandwich, Nash. Probably something you’re not good at making.
Nash: I know how the fuck to make a sandwich.
Scarlett: Not like Wilder.
Nash: How fuckin’ hard is it to slap a fuckin’ sandwich together?
J: You’d be shit out of luck at our place. Madison got rid of all the fucking bread.
Madison: You don’t need sandwiches to be happy, J.
Scarlett: I beg to differ on that.
Scott: Fuckin’ hell, is it that necessary to talk about sandwiches?
Scarlett: I agree. Less talk, more eating.
Griff: Jesus.
Nash: For once, I agree with Scarlett. More fuckin’ eating.
Scarlett: Oh, Nash. I forgot you’re not eating much of anything good these days. Here, let me send you some links to brighten your day.
Scarlett: https://www.taste.com.au/recipes/collections/gourmet-sandwiches
Scarlett:https://www.thrillist.com/recipe/nation/13-utterly-genius-gourmet-sandwich-recipes
Scarlett: Just sayin’, that French toast sandwich with mozzarella and bacon looks to die for.
Nash: *insert three middle finger emojis*
6
Chickens & Periods Text
Madison: OK, fair warning to all the men receiving these texts… We’re about to discuss periods. I suggest you stop checking this chat for the next couple of hours.
Nash: I think everyone here knows about periods, M.
Madison: Like, for real, Nash, stop looking at the texts. I’m gonna detail some stuff you’ll wish you never laid eyes on.
Wilder: Here’s an idea: delete us all from this group.
Scarlett: Where would the fun be in that?
&n
bsp; Nash: I’m with Wilder. Delete us.
Scott: Agreed.
Griff: Count me in for that too.
J: When Madison says she wants to talk periods, she fucking wants to talk periods. And that shit isn’t fun. Get out now while you can.
Madison: I’m taking that as you helping, J. Thank you, baby.
Nash: It’s fuckin’ hard to ignore these texts when you send so fuckin’ many.
Madison: So my friend just had a freak period experience and I wanted to ask if any of you guys have had this.
Harlow: What happened?
Madison: She said she had the worst period pain of her life and when she went to the toilet it was like a half cooked chicken breast slithered out of there.
Nash: Fuckin’ hell, Madison.
Madison: I told you, Nash. A couple of hours.
Nash: I’m fuckin’ out.
Layla: Jesus, Madison, this sounds horrific. What was it?
Chelsea: If the other guys are like Gunnar, they’re gone, Madison. He just gave me a look like “what the actual fuck?” and put his phone down like he never wants to look at it again.
Madison: Nash?
Carla: Nash couldn’t handle it whenever I talked about some of my worst period experiences. I’m pretty sure what you just said would have scared him away.
Sophia: What happened to your friend, Madison? I’ve never experienced anything like that.
Madison: No, this isn’t about a friend. I just needed the guys to stop checking in. We’ve got Valentine’s Day to discuss!
Chelsea: LOL. I like your methods, girl.
Harlow: What are we discussing about Valentine’s Day?
Madison: I wanna book a night away with J for a couple’s massage and then some hot sex in a hotel, but Mum can’t babysit, so I’m coming here to see if I can convince any of you guys to look after Willow for us. I know that I’ll probably be out of luck since it’s V Day, but I have all my fingers crossed!
Chelsea: I would have said yes, but Gunnar just told me this morning that he’s got a surprise planned for me that night. Sorry, babe!
Sophia: Griff and I are going away for three days sorry.
Madison: Ooh, where are you going?