by Levine, Nina
Sophia: Byron Bay!
Scarlett: It’ll be my first Valentine’s in Wilder World. And also, we’re working all night.
Harlow: LOL, Wilder World?
Scarlett: *insert shrug emoji and love heart eye emoji*
Harlow: Scott and I are hoping to get Mum to babysit the kids. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind having Willow too.
Layla: Blade and I will look after Willow!! We’re not going out.
Madison: OMG I love you, Layla! And Willow will love hanging out with Uncle Blade and Sawyer.
Layla: Sawyer has become super clingy lately. Especially of his daddy. It’ll be interesting to see how he copes having to share Blade.
Madison: What time are you free that day for us to drop Willow over? I’ll book our massage around you.
Layla: Any time after lunch.
Madison: Perfect! I’ll book a massage for just after lunch. Will let you know the time once I’ve booked.
Havoc: Jesus. I need my eyes bleached.
Madison: I did give fair warning, Havoc.
Havoc: I’m busy with shit today and missed that warning message. Came in on the chicken text.
Carla: LOL. I’m glad to know it’s not a real thing.
Madison: Well, actually it is. It’s called a decidual cast. It’s when the lining comes out in one large piece. A friend did go through that and the chicken description is how she described it to me.
Chelsea: Wow. I’ve never heard of that.
Harlow: Me either.
Sophia: Good to know in case it ever happens.
Madison: Nash, we’re done with the period talk. You can come back now.
Harlow: Oh, what’s the update on the IMS diet cure Nash and J are on? Still going strong?
Madison: No, J has given up on it.
Velvet: Yeah, Nash is done too. I guess I don’t blame him. It was pretty extreme.
Scarlett: So no murder was committed? How sad. I was here for the drama.
Madison: Honestly, if there was gonna be any murdering going on, it was gonna be me doing it. J was moodier than usual while on that damn diet.
Nash: That’s because that diet was written by a woman who hates men.
Carla: OMG I just googled it *insert shocked emoji*
Madison: Googled what?
Carla: The decidual cast thingy.
Carla: DO NOT LOOK AT IMAGES OF IT.
Carla: If that came out of me, I would DIE. Your friend who described it like a chicken slithering out of her… Gah! It’s a thing.
Nash: Fuckin’ hell, I thought we were done with this.
Carla: NASH, DO NOT GOOGLE DECIDUAL CAST.
Nash: I don’t fuckin’ plan on it.
Layla: Honestly, if men had to deal with periods, the world would be a vastly different place.
Sophia: So true. Imagine if they had to worry about blood soaking through their clothes while sitting for long periods.
Harlow: Or what about after giving birth? I remember standing up one morning after having Aurora and the blood literally gushing down my legs.
Madison: And the pain. Seriously, if Nash and J can’t handle a week on a diet, there’s no way they’d handle period pain.
Wilder: I thought I saw a text come through that you girls were finished with the period talk. I see I was mistaken.
Nash: Jesus.
Scarlett: Christ on a cracker, huh, Nash? This isn’t really what you signed up for, is it?
Nash: I didn’t fuckin’ sign up for any of this.
Scarlett: And yet here you are. Shall I send snacks over so you can settle in for a long period discussion?
Gunnar: The fuck did I just stumble into?
Nash: You don’t wanna fuckin’ know, brother. Just thank whoever or whatever the fuck you believe in that you were born with a dick and that it doesn’t fuckin’ bleed chickens.
7
Explosive Shit Text
Chelsea: The worst thing happened in yoga this morning and I need a debrief. Anyone around?
Harlow: I’m here. What happened?
Velvet: I’m here too.
Chelsea: So this woman in class shat herself. She was in front of me and as I came out of downward dog, I looked up and copped an eyeful of shit that was splattered all over her pants.
Madison: Holy shit.
Scarlett: Like, literally. Holy shit.
Carla: OMG.
Sophia: Was she okay?
Chelsea: She had explosive diarrhoea. I felt awful for her. She was mortified, naturally. The thing I need a debrief on is that I tried to help her and that turned into one of the most awkward encounters of my life.
Layla: God, it gets worse than explosive diarrhoea?
Chelsea: You have no idea.
Nash: Jesus, don’t keep us in fuckin’ suspense.
Madison: I thought you were done with these texts, Nash.
Harlow: Yeah, I thought the bleeding chickens conversation was it for you?
Nash: I’m having a long fuckin’ morning here. I need a distraction.
Chelsea: OK, so she ran from the yoga room and I felt so bad for her that I ran after her to offer emotional support. It turned out, though, that she wanted physical support.
Velvet: Oh God, what does that mean?
Chelsea: She was in the toilet stall by the time I got to her, and when I let her know I was there if she needed help, she flung the door open, naked from the waist down, holding her shit-soaked yoga pants and underwear up and asked me to rinse them out for her.
Madison: Holy. Fuck.
Nash: Jesus. Thank fuck I wasn’t born a woman.
Scott: I’m thinking the same thing, Nash.
Havoc: Between bleeding chickens and sorting out a stranger’s shit, me fuckin’ too.
Sophia: What did you do?
Chelsea: I kinda stared at her for a while, trying to figure out if she was for real or if she was messing with me, but she was crying so I figured she was for real. I was about to say no when she practically flung her clothes at me.
J: This is seriously what chicks get up to in public toilets?
Scarlett: Yes, we live for this shit. I imagine Chelsea woke up this morning and pondered whether she’d be lucky enough to experience another human’s explosive diarrhoea for herself.
Madison: Of course not, baby.
Carla: No wonder you needed a debrief, Chelsea.
Velvet: Did you throw them back at her?
Chelsea: No, I think the smell and the shock caused my brain to stop functioning.
Nash: You fuckin’ rinsed them for her?
Scarlett: I love how invested you are in this, Nash. Your day must be rough.
Nash: You have no fuckin’ idea.
Chelsea: I RINSED THEM FOR HER.
Chelsea: Like, who the fuck rinses a stranger’s shit out of her clothes?
Scarlett: Gunnar, it looks like your old age is sorted. Chelsea will be well-skilled in cleaning up shit by the time you hit your nappy-wearing years.
Madison: I feel like this debrief might not be enough, Chelsea. We maybe need a girls’ night out for you to fully recover from this.
Chelsea: I AGREE. I’m traumatised, but this isn’t even the worst of this story.
Sophia: Goodness, there’s more?
Chelsea: I was at the basin almost finished rinsing her clothes when suddenly she appeared behind me completely naked. And good God, she was sobbing by this point, and SHE WANTED ME TO HUG HER.
Nash: Were you finished rinsing shit?
Chelsea: Nash, get with it. She was NAKED and wanted a HUG.
Nash: Not sure what the problem with that was? I’m more fuckin’ concerned about the shit.
Chelsea: Well, let me tell you, when she started babbling on about the sad nipple syndrome she suffers from and how sad she was because she’d touched her nipples while taking her clothes off, I pretty much decided I’m quitting yoga.
Velvet: *insert shocked emojis*
Harlow: What is sad nipple syndrome?
&nbs
p; Carla: And why was she touching her nipples while you were out there rinsing her shitty clothes?
Scarlett: Are we sure you didn’t smoke something funky before yoga? Like, was this an hallucination?
Chelsea: THIS REALLY HAPPENED. Sad nipple syndrome is a thing. I googled it. Some people get sad when they touch their nipples.
J: Jesus, thank fuck Madison doesn’t have that shit.
Griff: Christ.
Layla: Tell me you didn’t hug her.
Nash: Tell me you did.
Chelsea: *insert facepalm emoji* I did. But only because she practically forced me to.
Madison: Holy. Hell. I just spat my drink.
Velvet: Yeah, I’d be finding a new yoga studio, Chelsea. This is some crazy shit.
Nash: What’s the cure for sad nipple syndrome? Getting someone else to touch them?
Chelsea: IDK and I don’t wanna know. I hugged her and got the hell out of there. I tried to call Gunnar but HE’S NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS, which is why I’m texting you guys.
Madison: I’m home this morning if you wanna come over.
J: Gunnar’s on a job. He’ll be a few hours.
Chelsea: Thanks Madison. I’m taking you up on that offer. I need coffee and girl time STAT.
Harlow: I’m coming over too, girls.
Sophia: Me too.
Carla: Ugh, we need to move back to Brisbane, Havoc. I’m missing out here.
Layla: I wish. I’m working all day.
Velvet: I’m working too *insert crying emoji*
Scarlett: I’m mastering the art of patience today. No squad time for me.
Harlow: I made a Burnt Sugar Caramel cake last night. It’s divine! I’ll bring some.
Scott: Don’t take it all. I want some when I get home.
Nash: Fuckin’ hell, can we skip this coffee and cake shit and go back to the nipple and shit shit?
Madison: Move on, Nash. We’re finished talking about that.
Scarlett: There is a cure for sad nipple syndrome, Nash. You find a guy with Sad Dick Syndrome and he makes it all better. You no longer feel sad about your nipples or your life or anything when you see his dick. You think you can help that woman out?
Nash: *insert two middle finger emojis*
8
Ringtone Text
Carla: You know what’s the worst? Making awkward eye contact with a guy when you’re choosing a new vibrator. Like, go away and let me make my choice in private.
Madison: Oh God, was he making eyes at you?
Carla: Yes!
Harlow: I’ve had that happen before. There are some real perverts out there.
Madison: OMG remember that guy we caught wanking in the corner while he watched two chicks trying to decide what to buy?
Scott: When was this? And where?
Harlow: It was ages ago, Scott.
Scott: Where?
Madison: You don’t need to get involved. We sorted him out.
J: You know what the fuck else is the worst? When your old lady changes your ringtone to “Me So Horny” and it fucking blasts when she calls you while you’re talking to a fucking nun.
Nash: Why the fuck were you talking to a nun?
Madison: Payback’s a bitch, J.
J: Payback for fucking what?
Madison: For being an ass last night.
J: When was I an ass?
Nash: Can we go back to the nun part of this story?
Sophia: I just laughed a little too hard at that ringtone. Well played, Madison *insert laughing with tears emoji*
Chelsea: I feel like “Me So Horny” should be the ringtone for every guy in this chat.
Gunnar: Don’t go getting any ideas.
J: I’m still waiting to hear when I was an ass.
Nash: I’m still waiting to hear why the fuck you were talking to a nun.
Scarlett: I’m with Nash on this.
Madison: When weren’t you an ass last night?
J: Fuck, Madison, I’m gonna need more than a hint here.
Carla: I feel like there must be something in the air this week. Havoc was an ass last night too.
Chelsea: I also feel like men needing their shit spelt out is the norm.
Harlow: So true.
Velvet: Someone needs to develop a pill to give men to help them distinguish asshole behaviour from non-asshole behaviour.
Madison: I volunteer J as a test subject for this.
Griff: This went downhill fast.
Havoc: This fuckin’ chat swerves all over the damn place. Vibrators, ringtones, nuns, pills.
Wilder: Don’t forget chickens, nipples, and shit.
Carla: That pill is a damn good idea, Velvet.
Nash: I’ll take that fuckin’ pill if someone tells me why J was talking to a fuckin’ nun.
Madison: OMG NKOTB are touring Australia next year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We need to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scott: NKOTB?
Harlow: New Kids On The Block
Scott: New kids on what block?
Madison: How are you even my brother, Scott? They were my fave band when I was growing up!
Sophia: When are they coming??? I love them too!
Madison: February. Tickets are on sale in three weeks.
Harlow: OMG I love them too!!!!!!!!!!!
J: Are we ever gonna discuss why the fuck I have a horny fucking ringtone, Madison?
Scarlett: I think it’s safe to say probably not, J. You’ve been saved by NKOTB.
Griff: Jesus, how the hell women get shit done is beyond me.
Havoc: I’m with you, brother. Shit doesn’t get resolved before it’s forgotten and moved on from.
Velvet: Ah, see this is where you guys are going wrong. Shit is NEVER forgotten.
Gunnar: That’s the fucking truth.
Madison: I think I want you to figure it out on your own, J.
J: Fucking hell.
Madison: Honestly, it’s not rocket science. It involves an Xbox, a couch, and three hours of you ignoring me.
J: I didn’t ignore you. I told you I was tired, and you said you were okay with us cancelling date night.
Madison: I was okay with that, but I didn’t expect you to play Xbox all night.
Scott: You guys wanna switch this to your private messages?
Layla: Just catching up on this chat now. I’m out for NKOTB. I’m not a fan.
Scarlett: Same.
Layla: Also, does anyone have a pair of size 8 black heels I can borrow for tonight that you can bring to the bar? Mine broke and I can’t leave the bar to go shopping for new ones.
Madison: Yes, you can borrow mine. I’ll bring them over in a couple of hours.
Layla: I love you! Thank you.
Harlow: Where are you going tonight, Layla?
Layla: Blade’s taking me out for dinner to that new restaurant that opened in the city last week.
Sophia: That one with the chef we were talking about?
Layla: Yes. I can’t wait to try his food. I’ve heard amazing things.
Madison: I’m so jealous.
Scarlett: J, you taking notes?
J: *insert middle finger emoji*
Harlow: Oooh, I forgot to tell you girls that I booked a weekend away in the Hunter Valley next month.
Velvet: Nice! Such a great time of year to go there.
Sophia: I love the Hunter Valley.
Carla: I love carrot cake.
Velvet: OMG you’re coming to Brisbane???
Carla: Yes!!
Scarlett: I’m lost. Is carrot cake code for Brisbane?
Gunnar: I’ve been lost for pretty much all this chat.
Wilder: You’re not the only one, brother.
Carla: LOL, it’s not so much code for Brisbane, but Velvet and I always go for high tea with carrot cake when I visit.
Madison: I’m inviting myself to high tea with you girls.
Harlow: Me too.
Sophia: Let’s make it a girls’ day with the day spa too.
C
helsea: Or a girls’ weekend!
Scarlett: That escalated fast.
Gunnar: It fucking escalated at a rate of knots no fucking man can keep up with.
Havoc: I only kept up with three things. Check my ringtone after a fight. J is in more shit than I am. And that it’s no fuckin’ wonder men can’t keep up with shit when women change the course of a conversation as fast as they change their fuckin’ mind on things.
Nash: I’m still fuckin’ wondering why the fuck J was talking to a fuckin’ nun.
9
#GidgetGate Text
Nash: So I met a nun this morning. The same one J talked to last week.
Scarlett: Oooh, the nun from #RingtoneGate! I’ve been hanging for this.
Scarlett: Wait, where did you meet her?
Nash: She rocked up to the clubhouse of all fuckin’ places.
Scarlett: Why?
Nash: She wanted to discuss some charity work she talked to J about last week. The thing I’m fuckin’ interested in is the fact she met J in the parking lot of the local church after a knitting session. You taking up knitting, brother?
J: Look at you two getting on. And fuck no. I was there dropping off squares for my sister.
Nash: Squares?
J: No fucking idea what they are. All I know is that’s what she said was in the bag.
Gunnar: Like Rubik’s cube squares?
Madison: OMG lol, Rubik’s cube squares *insert laughing with tears emoji*
Harlow: Squares are knitted squares of yarn that you then join together to make blankets.
Nash: So they’re what lazy knitters knit? When they don’t wanna put the effort in to make the whole fuckin’ blanket?
Harlow: No. I think the whole thing started when some women got together to send squares overseas that could then be sewn into blankets there.
Scarlett: What does the nun want you guys to do for her, Nash?
Nash: Take a guess.
Velvet: Oooh, a hot charity calendar!
Madison: A raunchy Magic Mike night down at the church.
Sophia: A hot biker carwash.
Harlow: A sexy biker auction.
Carla: A bake sale manned by shirtless bikers.
Wilder: Jesus, you girls must have gone to a different kind of church to me when you were younger.