An Amish Singing

by Amy Clipston

  Dave quietly stepped inside the mudroom and watched her through the doorway to the kitchen. She looked like an angel.

  She cleared her throat, closed her eyes, and then began to sing. “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me . . .” Her voice was so beautiful, as if she were an angel singing those holy words.

  Suddenly he felt all the pain, guilt, and grief pouring out of him. Tears filled his eyes and then spilled over, running down his cheeks as Alice sang.

  “I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.”

  Esther’s words, Stephen’s words, his mother’s words—Alice’s words—echoed through his mind. Forgive yourself.

  But would God forgive him?

  Then he felt as if God were reaching for him, then hugging him, loving him—and yes, forgiving him. God had been there all along, and Dave had been wrong. He’d pushed everyone away, including the Lord. Now he saw the truth, and he opened his heart, allowing himself to pray for the first time since he’d held a lifeless young boy in his arms.

  I hear you, God! I hear you loud and clear. I’m so sorry about the mistake I made, and I’ll always hurt when I think about Adam’s death. Yet I feel your forgiveness. And I forgive myself.

  “’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,” Alice continued, “and grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed.”

  Dave wiped his eyes, and he knew for certain that he belonged—not just in this community and with his friends but with Alice. Leaving would be a mistake. He needed to stay, and he wanted to ask Alice if she would consider a future with him.

  As if on cue, she turned her head toward him, meeting his gaze. She gasped, and the room went silent.

  Dave stepped into the kitchen, and all the Englishers turned and stared at him. Alice, her mother, and all his friends stared too. Then his body shook as he focused on Alice.

  This was his moment to tell her the truth. But how would he find the words to share everything in his heart?

  Lord, give me courage!

  * * *

  “Dave,” she said, her voice barely a whisper as she studied him standing at the back of her kitchen.

  Was she dreaming? Was Dave really there, staring at her with tears streaking down his face?

  Yes, he was! But he looked as if someone had died, and his tears nearly broke her heart in two. Something was wrong!

  A hand grasped her arm.

  “Go to him,” Darlene whispered in her ear. “I’ll take over the singing.” Then Darlene cleared her throat. “Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come . . .”

  With her heart hammering in her chest, Alice strode across the room, took Dave’s hand in hers, and led him outside to the porch. She steered him down the steps to find a more private place to talk.

  She stopped at the top of the driveway when she found his driver’s van . . . waiting for him.

  “You’re not staying?” She searched his reddened eyes. “What’s wrong? Are your parents okay? Why are you so upset?”

  “Alice, wait. Let me explain.” He looked down at the ground, then back at her. “I came to say good-bye.” He wiped the tears away with his hand.

  “Good-bye?” Panic gripped her. “Are you leaving the community? Are you leaving me?”

  “Wait.” His expression relaxed slightly. “I was going to leave, but . . .” He rested his hands on her shoulders. “I’ve been saving money for months. I was going to move to Maryland and start a new life.”

  She sniffed as her eyes filled with tears. “Why?” she asked. And yet she knew why. He’d told her as much.

  “Because I didn’t think I was worthy of this community. I thought I needed a fresh start after what happened to Adam. I decided today would be the day. My parents went to Rosemary’s for supper, and I left them a letter. I was going to run away like a coward.”

  He cupped his hand to her cheek. “But then I got your message, and you told me you missed me. I thought I should come say good-bye to you in person.”

  She let out a puff of air as tears rolled down her cheeks.

  “But when I got here, at first I couldn’t get out of the van because I’m such a coward. Dustin asked me if I wanted to go to the bus station, but I realized I had to face you. Then, once inside, I heard your voice. And you started to sing ‘Amazing Grace.’” He paused, and his blue eyes shimmered with fresh tears. “I realized everything you’ve been trying to tell me is right. God has forgiven me. The community has forgiven me. I thought everyone here must hate me for the mistake I made, the mistake that cost Adam his life. So I pushed you all away, including my family and freinden.”

  He jammed his finger into his chest. “The problem was I needed to forgive myself.” Tears again rolled down his cheeks, and she reached up and swiped them away.

  “I tried to tell you that.”

  “I know. So did Mamm. And my brother-in-law, Stephen, told me Adam died but I didn’t. He said I needed to start acting like I’m still alive. I see what he means now. And even Esther told me I needed to forgive myself.” He took her hand in his and cleared his throat. “You’ve never given up on me, Alice. You’ve tried to show me for months now that I’m worthy of your friendship. And I see how blind I’ve been, just like the hymn says. I’ve been blind to God’s love for me, and I’ve been blind”—he swallowed—“I’ve been blind to my love for you.”

  Her breath caught, and he wiped another tear from her cheek.

  “I love you, Alice. I’ve always cared for you. In fact, I’d been trying to work up the courage to ask you to be my girlfriend before the accident.”

  She gasped. “You had?”

  He nodded. “You’ve been my best freind for years, but I wanted more. After Adam died, though, I felt like my future died with him. I thought no one could ever love me after I allowed a child to die.”

  “But you tried to save him. You did the best you could.” Her voice trembled as she touched his cheek again.

  He closed his eyes as if the memory of that day had seized his mind, then opened them again. “I know that now. And I also realize that leaving you would be the worst mistake I could make. If you give me a chance and your dat approves, I’d be honored to date you and explore building a future together.”

  She nodded and pulled a tissue from her pocket, happiness warming her from the inside out. “I’d like that.” She wiped her eyes and then her nose. “I’d like that a lot.”

  “Ich liebe dich, Alice.” He cupped both hands to her cheeks, and his words were like a sweet hymn to her ears.

  “I love you too.”

  He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers, sending a new warmth flooding through every cell in her body. She lost herself in the nearness of him.

  When he broke the kiss, he touched her lips with the tip of his finger. “Danki for never giving up on me. Without you, I would still be lost like a wounded ship at sea. You’re the light that led me home.”

  “I’m so grateful. I’ve been asking God to lead you to me, and he did.” She took his hand in hers. “Why don’t you call your parents at Rosemary’s and tell them you’re here? Tell them not to read that letter, that you’re staying. Then can we go sing with our freinden?”

  “I love that idea.”

  As they walked together to the barn, Alice glanced at the stars twinkling in the sky and smiled. What amazing grace!

  Discussion Questions

  Dave is convinced his friends, family, and everyone in his congregation must hate him after a child dies while in his care—especially the child’s parents. He feels lost and alone. Have you ever felt that way? If so, how did you cope?

  Alice is determined to convince Dave to come back to their friend group, no matter how much he rejects her. Do you think her heart is in the right place?

  Stephen, Dave’s brother-in-law, tells him Adam may have died but Dave didn’t, and he needs to move on with his life. Do you think his point of view is valid? W
hy or why not?

  Which character can you identify with most? Which character seemed to carry the most emotional stake in the story? Dave, Alice, or someone else?

  At the end of the story, Dave realizes he has been forgiven all along, and he doesn’t need to run away. What do you think contributed to his changing his mind throughout the story?

  What role did hymns play in the relationships throughout the story?

  With love, hugs, kisses, and snuggles for my sweet Leo, the best cat ever

  Chapter One

  Darlene Bender stood at the kitchen sink and scrubbed a handful of utensils as she glanced out the window and spotted her father disappearing into the barn.

  The early-morning sun lit up the clear blue sky, and a cardinal happily ate at the bird feeder near her mother’s cheerful garden and its colorful summer flowers. She sighed. The problem was it was filled with clumps of pesky green weeds too. How she loved working in the garden. If only she had more time to tackle those weeds.

  Still, Darlene smiled at the bird as she rinsed the utensils and set them on the drying rack.

  “I need to go open the store.” Biena set three drinking glasses on the counter. “Can you finish cleaning up alone?”

  Darlene turned. “Ya. Of course.”

  Biena turned toward the doorway to the mudroom. “I’ll see you later.”

  As Darlene watched her go, she recalled how often strangers asked them if they were twins because they shared the same golden-blond hair and deep-brown eyes, and they were the same—and average—height. But her sister was two years older.

  “Biena!” Mamm’s hoarse voice barely sounded in the hallway before the bathroom door slammed.

  “Ach, no. I thought she was feeling better when she woke up.” Biena started for the bathroom, but then she spun around. “It’s almost eight. Can you go open the store?”

  “But it’s my turn to take care of Mamm,” Darlene said, drying her hands with a paper towel.

  “I’ll take care of her today. Go open the store while Dat’s feeding the animals.” Biena made a sweeping gesture. “Go on!” Then she hurried off. “I’m here, Mamm. I’ll get some towels.”

  Darlene closed her eyes and leaned forward on the sink as the sounds of her mother’s sickness filled the kitchen. This latest round of chemo seemed to be the worst.

  Please, God. Please heal her. Take away her pain.

  Biting back tears, Darlene straightened. She had to be strong for Mamm. She had to be strong for the whole family.

  She quickly finished cleaning up and then hurried to the mudroom, grabbing the key to the store before she rushed outside and headed down the porch steps.

  The August sun warmed her neck as she strode down the short path to the large building that housed Bird-in-Hand Dry Goods, the store her father opened nearly twenty-five years ago. The one-story, white, cinder block structure sat on the busy Old Philadelphia Pike in the heart of Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania.

  Darlene unlocked the front door and turned the sign from Closed to Open. Then she made her way down the main aisle to the counter at the back, where the battery-operated cash register sat along with plastic bags and other supplies. She breathed in the familiar smells she’d grown up with as she prepared for the first sales of the day.

  Then she straightened the items on the counter before checking the displays of greeting cards, books, and small gifts. In the next aisle, she straightened the toys and games. She continued on, checking racks with sewing notions or cleaning supplies, all the while trying to chase thoughts of her mother’s illness out of her mind. Yet over and over, they returned.

  It was a nightmare watching Mamm suffer with ovarian cancer, first with the aftermath of surgery and now with chemo. Ever since her mother was diagnosed, Darlene had prayed daily for her suffering to end and her strength to return.

  If only Darlene had someone to talk to about this struggle, someone who would understand what she was going through. But she didn’t want to burden her friends—not even her best friends, Sharon Lambert and Alice Blank.

  For the past several months, Darlene and her tight group of friends—including Sharon’s boyfriend, Jay Smoker; Alice’s boyfriend, Dave Esh; Andrew Detweiler, and Cal King—had been singing for members of their church district as well as for Englishers who paid to attend suppers at Sharon’s or Alice’s home to learn more about the Amish culture. The suppers started with the Lancaster Inn and Sharon’s mother, but now the managers of several local hotels and tour companies frequently asked both Feenie Lambert and Dorothy Blank to host them. It was a way for them to earn extra income for their families.

  During the meals, the mothers answered questions about their culture, and then Darlene and her friends sang. Darlene enjoyed spending time with her friends, but she especially enjoyed the opportunity to share the gospel through the hymns they chose.

  Even though I’m struggling with my faith. Another burden I can’t share.

  Darlene pushed that thought aside.

  Although she’d told her mother how their singings had seemed to help others in the community who were struggling with illness, Mamm continued to refuse to allow anyone to visit. She’d always been rather private, but not like this. She said she didn’t want visitors to see how the chemotherapy treatments had ravished her body and strength. She even refused Darlene’s friends, who so often offered to bring food, help with chores, or sing for her.

  So Darlene, Biena, and Dat pushed on alone, running the store and caring for the house, animals, and her mother. The only living relative they had in the area was her uncle, Merv, but he was a widower and much older than Mamm, and not in any physical condition to help. Darlene didn’t want to add to anyone’s burden by confessing how alone she felt, even when surrounded by her precious group of friends and her family.

  Darlene finished straightening another display and then moved to the gardening supplies. She was rearranging watering cans when the bell on the front door sounded, announcing a customer.

  “Good morning,” Darlene sang, trying her best to sound cheerful despite her dark mood.

  Dat appeared at the end of the aisle. “I thought Biena was going to run the store today.”

  Although he was in his early fifties, Dat seemed to have aged nearly a decade since Mamm’s diagnosis. His own light-brown hair was now threaded with gray, and wrinkles had taken up permanent residency under his tired, deep-brown eyes. A constant frown lined his lips, and Darlene missed his bright smile and easy sense of humor. She hadn’t seen him happy for months, and her heart ached at the sadness she found in his handsome face.

  “Mamm is having a bad morning after all, and Biena asked me to open the store.” Darlene fingered the end of a cool, metal shelf.

  “Oh.” Dat rubbed his beard and looked down at the floor.

  “When do you think she’ll feel better?” She leaned forward, holding her breath while she waited for her father to say the words she longed to hear—that her mother would be well and back to normal soon.

  Dat met her gaze. “I don’t know. We just have to pray and have faith. The Lord will take care of her. He loves her—and us—very much.”

  “Right.” Darlene stood up straight and forced a smile. But inside, her soul was shattering. How could she have faith when her mother suffered so?

  Dat pointed toward the front door. “I’m going to go see if Biena needs any help. Will you be okay here?”

  “Of course.” Darlene pushed the ties from her prayer covering off her shoulders. “I know how to run the store.”

  “Danki.” Dat touched her shoulder. “We’ll be just fine, Darlene. The Lord provides.”

  “I know.” Darlene folded her arms over her waist.

  Dat started toward the door. “I’ll be back to check on you as soon as I can.”

  “Just take care of Mamm.”

  Dat disappeared out the front door, and Darlene leaned back against the shelf as she tried to recall what life was like before Mamm’s illness had rocked thei
r world. It seemed like years since their lives revolved only around the store and their community. But that all changed when their days were suddenly ruled by doctor’s visits, then surgery, chemotherapy, and Mamm’s suffering.

  Would their family ever go back to normal?

  The ring of the store phone broke through her thoughts and sent her dashing to the counter.

  Darlene picked up the receiver. “Thank you for calling Bird-in-Hand Dry Goods.”

  “Gude mariye, Darlene.” Sharon’s voice sang through the phone. “Wie geht’s?”

  Darlene hopped up on a stool and leaned her elbow on the counter. “I’m okay.”

  “I called to see if you’re coming to the supper tonight at Alice’s haus.” Sharon’s voice was bright, and Darlene could imagine her pretty smile. “Her mamm is expecting a dozen Englishers from one of the local tour companies, and we’ll start helping her and Alice cook around four. You’ll love their menu. It’s meat loaf, and—”

  “There’s another supper tonight?” Darlene looked at the calendar behind her on the wall. “But it’s Tuesday.”

  “We talked about it at Alice’s on Sunday.” Sharon paused. “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot you weren’t there.”

  Darlene pressed her lips together as the familiar feeling of despair rolled over her. Not only did she dread watching her mother suffer but she also despised missing gatherings with her friends. And it definitely hurt that Sharon had forgotten she wasn’t with them on Sunday.

  Guilt replaced despair. How could she worry about missing time with her friends when her mother needed her?

  “I’m so sorry. I should have called you sooner,” Sharon continued. “Are you free tonight? We’d love for you to join us. We’ve missed you at the last two singings.”

  “I can’t.” Darlene rubbed her forehead as a headache began to throb.

  “Oh.” Sharon hesitated. “Is your mamm okay?”

  “She’s just having a bad day.” The words flowed from Darlene’s lips with ease. After all, she seemed to say them nearly every day.