An Amish Singing

by Amy Clipston

  And maybe he’ll call me. Maybe he just needs time.

  * * *

  The following Sunday afternoon Dave smiled as his brother-in-law, Stephen, shared another story about fishing with his brothers. No wonder Nancy had the coloring she did. At thirty, Stephen had light-brown hair and blue eyes, just like Rosemary.

  Stephen had always been like an older brother. A hardworking dairy farmer, Stephen took good care of his family, and Dave admired him. Still, even if Stephen told himself their relationship hadn’t changed, it had—just like with the other adult members of the family.

  Since it was an off Sunday without a church service, his mother had invited Rosemary and her family to visit. Dave took a sip of coffee and smiled as Stephen shared more about his brothers’ antics.

  “Then Mahlon told Jeremiah his fish was bigger, and soon they were arguing.” Stephen wiped at his eyes as he chuckled. “Mei dat told them both to be quiet because they were going to scare the rest of the fish away!”

  Everyone laughed, and Dave did too.

  “It was hilarious. Those two are always in some battle. Mei mamm says it’s because they’re close in age, but I think they’re both just stubborn like Dat.”

  “Oh, and you aren’t stubborn, Stephen Lapp?” Rosemary challenged him with a pointed look. “Where do you think Nancy gets her stubbornness?”

  She pointed to their daughter, who was sitting beside her on a booster seat, spooning chocolate pie into her mouth. Her face was covered with it, and she smiled as she shoved in more.

  Stephen looked at Nancy and then back at Rosemary. “She looks like you, and she acts like you. You should just accept that now.”

  Rosemary looked as if she might argue with him, but then she laughed, and soon their parents joined in.

  Dave held his mug in the air as he watched the love pass between his sister and her husband. How he envied their relationship.

  He glanced down at the chocolate pie, and his thoughts turned toward Alice and the delicious desserts she’d shared with him. He’d thought about her all week, wondering how her days had gone, wishing he could have talked to her before Esther tracked him down.

  He couldn’t think about Esther. She said she didn’t blame him for Adam’s death, but she was probably fooling herself.

  His thoughts turned back to Alice. Had she done any sewing this week? Would she sing for someone with her friends today?

  Did she think of him?

  Did she miss him?

  The last thought tugged at his heartstrings.

  “Did you hear me, Dave?”

  “What?” Dave looked up and found Stephen watching him from across the table.

  “I said you should come fishing with us sometime.” Stephen looked at Dat too. “You should come as well, Manny. I promise my younger bruders won’t scare the fish.”

  “We should go.” Dat patted Dave’s shoulder. “That’s if the business slows down. Right now we’re working six days a week.”

  “You need to make time for fun,” Rosemary said. “Right, Mamm?”

  Mamm pointed her fork at Dat. “She’s right, Manny. You’ve always worked too hard.”

  Dave held back the urge to roll his eyes. His mother constantly told his father he worked too hard, but that never changed. Dat loved the business.

  And that truth sent guilt spiraling through Dave. With the paycheck he’d collected on Friday and the sale of another railing, he finally had enough savings to start a new life somewhere else. Now he had to find the courage to actually do it.

  He glanced across the table at his precious niece, who hummed to herself as she enjoyed her last bite of chocolate pie. If he left, he’d miss seeing her grow up. He’d miss meeting her future siblings. But would they miss him? Would not having an uncle around, their mother’s brother, impact their lives?

  Dave looked down at his empty coffee cup. His mistake had put an irreparable wedge between him and his family, no matter what they said. It was time to move on. They would eventually heal. They would survive—even thrive—without him. It just made sense to go.

  Once they finished dessert, the women began cleaning the kitchen, and Dave followed Dat and Stephen to the back porch. The other two men sat down on rocking chairs, and Dave sank onto the top step and stared out toward his father’s fields.

  The sun was beginning to set, sending vibrant streaks of orange and yellow across the sky, and a soft breeze moved the summer night air around his face as he breathed in the sweet smell of grass and flowers.

  Despair came out of nowhere. He’d been researching brick mason businesses in Maryland and had even started writing up a résumé. He would have to go to a library and ask someone to show him how to type it up on a computer so he could hand it out when he arrived and began meeting with business owners.

  But leaving Alice . . .

  His heart crumbled at the thought. She’d brought joy into his life. She made him laugh. Would he ever find such a woman again? He scrubbed one hand across the stubble on his chin.

  “Are you all right, Dave?”

  He turned toward Stephen, who was rocking back and forth behind him. Dat’s seat was empty.

  Dave shrugged. “I was just thinking.”

  “I know. Your dat and I were talking for a while, and then he went inside, but you haven’t moved. You seem fixated on something.” Stephen halted his rocking and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. “Do you want to tell me what’s on your mind?”

  Dave looked out toward the pasture again as he considered his response. If he told his brother-in-law he was leaving, he’d feel obligated to tell Rosemary. Then she’d tell his parents, and . . . That was news he had to deliver himself.

  “Roe told me she’s worried about you,” Stephen began. “She said you seemed upset when she was here for a quilting bee not long ago. You said you weren’t worthy of dating anyone because of what happened to Adam.”

  Dave angled his body toward Stephen. “That’s true.”

  “Why do you feel that way?”

  Dave picked up a pebble from the top step and tossed it toward his mother’s garden, where her colorful, cheerful flowers seemed to mock his somber mood. “Because my mistake took a life and ruined a family.”

  “But Adam’s family doesn’t blame you, do they?”

  Of course they do. They have to.

  “It’s time to forgive yourself.”

  Dave stared out toward the garden.

  “Dave, look at me.”

  He did—reluctantly.

  “Adam died that day, but you lived. It’s time you acted like it. You should be dating and planning for a future, not worrying about your mistake when you’ve been forgiven for it.”

  Dave’s eyes narrowed. “You could never understand.”

  “Then help me understand. I’m listening.” Stephen’s serious expression challenged him.

  The back door opened and then clicked shut as Dat returned.

  “Where were we?” Dat asked. “How are your folks doing, Stephen?”

  “They’re fine,” Stephen said as he shifted in the chair and plastered a smile on his face. “Mei mamm is still keeping mei dat in line.”

  “As she should. That’s a fraa’s job.”

  “Isn’t that the truth?” Stephen said, and they both laughed.

  Dave settled back against the railing and sighed, grateful for the interruption. This could be the last Sunday he spent with his family, and he wanted to cherish it.

  But in his heart, he felt a tingle of worry. Was he about to take the wrong step?

  * * *

  “Have we thought of everything for tonight?” Mamm asked Alice Saturday morning as she washed the breakfast dishes.

  “I think so.” Alice picked up her to-do list, the one she’d started earlier in the week. She’d been so excited when Sharon and Feenie suggested she and Mamm host the supper for Englishers from Lancaster Inn this time. The Lamberts needed a break, although Sharon was still going to come help and s
ing tonight.

  She and her mother had spent all week cleaning the house and sprucing up their garden to prepare for the visitors. This afternoon they would start preparing the meal, and then her friends would arrive. She couldn’t wait. How she loved to cook and bake! And singing with her friends was the best part of these evenings.

  “Have you invited Dave?” Mamm asked.

  Alice looked up from her list. “No, I haven’t.”

  “You should.” Mamm turned back to the sink. “Maybe this will be the night he has a change of heart.”

  “You think so?”

  “It could be.” Mamm nodded toward the back door. “Go leave him a voice mail message before we get busy with our chores.”

  “Okay.” Alice gave her mamm a hug.

  “What was that for?” Mamm laughed.

  “Danki for believing in Dave.”

  “I believe God will change his heart, and he’s using you to do it.”

  “I hope you’re right.” Alice dashed out the back door, down the porch steps, and to the barn, where she made her way to the back and dialed the Esh family’s phone number.

  After the beep she began to speak. “Hi. This is Alice, and I’m calling for Dave.” She stretched the phone cord as she spoke. “Dave, I haven’t talked to you for a while, and I’ve been hoping you’d call me. But since you haven’t, I thought I’d call you. I hope that’s okay.

  “Mamm and I are hosting a group of Englishers tonight for supper at our haus. We’re having roasted chicken, buttered noodles, homemade brot, green beans, salad, and then shoo-fly pie and apple crisp for dessert. Our freinden are coming to sing, and I’d like for you to join us.”

  She paused as she gathered her thoughts. Then she took a trembling breath and pushed on, letting down her guard. “You’ve told me time and again to give up on you, but in my heart I believe you don’t want me to. It may sound too forward, but I think you want to be mei . . . freind, and I know I want to be yours. So please come tonight. We start gathering to set up around four since the guests arrive at five thirty. I know everyone else would love to see you. In fact, Cal was just asking about you the other day. I hope to see you at four, or later if that works best for you. I know you might have to work. I miss you. Good-bye.”

  Her cheeks burned, and her hands shook as she hung up the phone. She’d been too forward, but she had to tell Dave the truth. She did miss him. In fact, she was beginning to wonder if she’d fallen in love with him since he was always there at the back of her thoughts. Could that be love?

  She closed her eyes and whispered a prayer.

  “Lord, I miss Dave, and I have a feeling he misses me too. I’m beginning to wonder if we’re supposed to be together, because I feel such a close connection to him. But if that’s true, I don’t understand why he keeps rejecting me. Please give me the right words to help him realize he belongs with me and our freinden. Please lead him to me if it’s your will. And if that can’t happen until he forgives himself, Lord, show him the way.”

  A peace settled over her, and she nearly floated on her way back to the house. With God’s help, maybe Dave would decide to come back to his friends tonight.

  Chapter Nine

  Dave’s whole body shook, and his heart hammered in his chest as he glanced around his bedroom later that afternoon. The room was bare except for a few books on the shelf.

  When he’d arrived home from work earlier than he thought he would, he told his mother he was going to take a shower and then rest before going to his sister’s for supper. But that wasn’t the truth. In fact, it was a bald-faced lie.

  Instead of resting, he’d packed his clothes and few belongings, jamming them into a large duffel bag. Then he’d written a letter to his parents.

  “Dave!” Mamm called from somewhere downstairs. “Your dat’s ready. We’re leaving for Rosemary’s haus now. Are you going to follow us?”

  “Uh, I don’t think I’ll come after all.” Dave grimaced as he lied once again.

  You’re a sinner, David Esh!

  “Why?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m still really tired. Tell Rosemary I’m sorry.”

  “Oh.” Mamm hesitated. “Are you sure? Do you need us to stay home?”

  “No, no. You go on. Don’t worry about me. I just need to get to bed early. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

  “Okay, then. We’ll see you later.”

  Dave stood at the top of the stairs and listened as his parents’ footfalls headed outside. Then he watched out his window as they climbed into their buggy before the horse pulled it down the driveway.

  He carried his duffel bag down the stairs, then set the letter on the kitchen table and closed his eyes.

  You’re a coward, too, David Esh!

  Yes, he was. He didn’t have the courage to tell his parents he was leaving to their faces. Instead, he had to leave them a note and let them believe he was just too tired to go with them.

  He took a walk through the downstairs of the house as memories flowed over him like waves. He stood in the middle of the family room and recalled the winter Sundays he’d spent sitting with his parents, talking after church. The summer days when he was a child and his grandparents came to visit. All the family memories he’d keep locked away in his heart forever. His eyes stung with tears as regret stole his breath for a moment. But he had to do this.

  Then he walked through the kitchen again, in anguish as the delicious food his mother had served over the years came to mind. He would miss the meals she’d prepared for him with such love, and he’d miss the conversations he shared with his parents as they enjoyed those meals. But his no longer being here was best for them too. They might even be happy for him if he were happier somewhere else, even though he’d be shunned.

  Dave stepped outside, then locked the back door and headed to the barn to call for his driver. When he reached the phone, he found a voice mail message.

  As Alice’s sweet voice filled his ear, he dropped into the chair beside the counter, his knees buckling.

  “Alice,” he whispered.

  As she spoke, tears filled his eyes. She had been thinking of him! She missed him. And she wanted him to come to her house tonight despite all the times he’d rejected her.

  Maybe she’d even wanted him to kiss her that day in his mother’s kitchen.

  Was this a sign from God—a sign that he should stay?

  No, it couldn’t be.

  He played the message again, doing his best to commit Alice’s voice to memory as heartbreak overtook him. Then he called his driver and asked for a ride to the bus station.

  Dave paced in the rock driveway, wringing his hands while he waited, Alice’s message echoing through his mind as if on a loop.

  Alice wanted to see him.

  He wanted to see her too.

  A solution hit him. He could see her one last time and tell her he was leaving in person. He owed her an explanation, and he hadn’t written her a letter. He couldn’t leave without trying to explain why. After all, she was the person who’d never stopped trying to convince him he belonged here.

  Was she right?

  Dave stopped pacing and looked up at the sky. He longed to pray for God’s help, but he couldn’t. He’d lost his ability to share his deepest thoughts and emotions with God the day Adam died. God couldn’t care about him after what he’d done, and he was on his own.

  He just hoped he had the courage to leave once he’d seen Alice—and never look back.

  * * *

  Alice surveyed the four folding tables full of guests who were enjoying their meal. So far their evening had gone smoothly. Alice, Mamm, and her friends had all served the food, and the guests all seemed satisfied and happy to be in their home.

  Alice filled a few of their water glasses and then walked to the kitchen counter. She set the pitcher down and then glanced through the windows that looked out over the back porch—again. But there was still no sign of Dave, and her heart sank even lower.
>
  “I think everything is going well, don’t you?” Sharon asked Alice as she joined her at the counter.

  “Ya, I think so.” Alice began pulling desserts out of the refrigerator.

  “Why do you sound disappointed?”

  Alice handed her a shoo-fly pie. “I was just hoping Dave would come.”

  Darlene appeared behind her and took one of the pies. “Maybe he didn’t get your message.”

  “I guess that’s a possibility.” Alice pulled out two more shoo-fly pies and then two apple crisps.

  “I’ll put on the kaffi,” Mamm said.

  “Sounds gut.” Alice turned to her friends. “Let’s start clearing the tables. Then we can serve dessert and kaffi before Mamm answers questions and we sing.”

  “Perfect,” Sharon said.

  But the night would be perfect only if Dave came.

  * * *

  Dave sat frozen in the front seat of Dustin Henderson’s van and stared at Alice’s house.

  “Are you going to get out?” his family’s longtime driver asked. In fact, Dustin had always been a friend.

  Dave sighed and pushed the door open. Then he stilled again.

  “Do you want me to just take you to the bus station?”

  “No.” Dave looked at him. “I need to stop being a coward. I might be a few minutes.”

  “Take your time.”

  Dave climbed out and closed the door.

  “Dave!”

  He spun as Dustin leaned out the window.

  “I don’t know what’s going on, but my advice? Listen to your heart.”

  Dave nodded and then tried to swallow the messy knot of emotion in his throat as he climbed the back-porch steps. But his effort was in vain. He didn’t even know if he’d be able to say a word.

  When he heard Alice’s sweet voice coming through the screen door, he stilled again.

  “Now we’d like to sing for you,” she said. He imagined her standing in front of the guests.

  “My friends and I started singing during these suppers in the spring, and our visitors seemed to like it. We hope you’ll like it too. I’d like to start with a hymn you might know. And if you don’t, I hope it touches your heart like it always touches mine.”