Chancers

by Robert Massey

  JP. I have never been surer of anything my entire life.

  AIDEN. I’m not talking to you.Dee?You’re sure?

  DEE. As sure as I can be about anything any more.

  JP. And that’s sure enough for me.We’re on.Yeah?We’re on?

  Pause.

  AIDEN. In theory.

  JP. Shove your theory.It’s time for practice now.

  AIDEN. But.

  JP. But what?Seriously, Aiden – what?

  AIDEN. I am not mugging her, JP.

  DEE. Mugging her?

  AIDEN. Nothing’s changed as far as that’s concerned.

  JP. No no no no – on the contrary, my friend.Everything’s changed.

  AIDEN. Listen to me.

  JP. Everything’s changed because the three of us are in on this now.And that bestows one benefit if nothing else – democracy rules.

  AIDEN. No.

  JP. So let’s us all open up the oul’ ballot box here on how to proceed. (To DEE.) Your choices, my dear, seeing as we are all committed now to doing the deed, your choices on how to actually get it done are – On the one hand – the sensible hand – my hand – we find her somewhere on the street and we ‘mug’ her – for want of a better way of putting it.

  AIDEN. There’s no other way of putting it – it’s mugging her – long and short of it – that’s the problem.

  JP. It is by far and away the path of least resistance.Which is always best in these situations.

  AIDEN. What do you know about ‘these situations’ anyway?

  JP. We simply snatch the bag out of her grasping little hands and we keep on running.So what do you reckon?

  DEE. It could work alright.

  AIDEN. Ahh, Dee.

  JP (to AIDEN). Apology accepted.

  AIDEN. Why are you encouraging him?It’s bad enough lowering yourself and getting involved in this in the first place.

  DEE. Oh please.

  AIDEN. Now you’re going to stoop down to his level.

  DEE. I’m just saying it’s a viable option.

  JP. It’s failsafe, is what it is.

  AIDEN. Well, I think it’s wrong.

  JP. ‘Wrong’…

  AIDEN. In every way conceivable.

  JP. Such a ridiculous word in the times we’re living in.

  AIDEN. And nothing either of you can say will make me change my mind.

  DEE. What do you want to do then?

  JP. He wants to go over to the house.

  DEE. No way.

  JP (overjoyed). Well, fair fucking play to you, Dee.We were sinking fast till you came on board.

  AIDEN. Hang on a minute.

  DEE. That would be a stupid move.

  AIDEN. What did you just say?

  JP (to DEE). Jesus, I love you.(To AIDEN.) I told you.I did.What did I tell you?

  DEE. I’m sorry, love – but – not with that weirdo Denis sat over there.We couldn’t.

  JP. Let’s get the gear on, lads and lasses.

  AIDEN. Are you feeling alright, Dee?

  JP. Have you got any Red Bull?

  AIDEN. Seriously?

  JP. Give us some wings for the flight.

  DEE. I might have a better way though.

  JP. What’s this now?

  DEE. I might have a better way.

  Pause.

  AIDEN. What is it?

  DEE. We could get her to come back here.

  AIDEN. Back here?

  JP. Ah, for fuck’s sake.

  DEE. Hear me out.

  JP. Just when I think someone’s starting to talk some sense in this shithole.

  DEE. We call her up, alright.

  AIDEN. And…?

  DEE. And we tell her she’s left something behind here.Something from earlier.

  AIDEN. Something like what?

  DEE. Money.Would be best.A fifty-euro note.Fell out of

  her bag.

  JP. Come off it.

  DEE. She’d come back for that.Trust me.

  JP. No she wouldn’t.Because she’d know she didn’t drop it.She’d know it wasn’t hers.That woman knows how much she’s left of her communion money and believe me – it’s most of it.

  DEE. She wouldn’t care though.She’d think we’d made a mistake.

  AIDEN (realising).And she’d come back for it anyway.

  DEE. Exactly.

  AIDEN. You’re right, you know.She would.She’d say it was hers anyway.

  JP. Okay – okay – Fine – let’s assume – and it’s a stretch… There’s still the burning issue of what we actually do when she gets here?

  DEE. We put the plan into action – I take her bag off her soon as she comes in the door – to check it for holes for her so it won’t happen again.

  JP. Will you stop.

  DEE. She’d go along with it.To get her hands on the fifty.She’d go along with it.

  AIDEN. She’s right.She would.

  DEE. I spill the contents of the bag on the floor.

  AIDEN. Old Butterfingers.

  DEE. Precisely.She can’t bend over too good these days.

  JP. Not like she used to.

  AIDEN (wincing at the thought). Don’t, please.

  DEE. So Aiden plays the Good Samaritan.

  AIDEN. I can manage that.

  DEE. While I distract her with some small talk.Offer to show her where we’re living out back – she won’t be able to resist seeing that.You find the ticket.Switch it for an old one.Hand her back the bag like the true gentleman you are.

  AIDEN. Thanks very much.

  DEE. I mean it.I do.

  AIDEN. I know.

  Pause.

  JP. It has some potential, I’ll grant you.

  DEE. Aiden?

  AIDEN. It could work alright.It really could.

  DEE. Yeah?

  JP. One proviso though.And this is non-negotiable.

  DEE. What?

  JP. If it doesn’t work.

  DEE. It will work.

  JP. If it doesn’t work.For whatever reason.If she manages to get back out that door with the ticket still in tow – we immediately move back to my Plan A.No discussions.No procrastinations.A-mugging we all go – agreed?

  DEE. Agreed.

  JP. Aiden?

  AIDEN. Let’s just make sure it doesn’t get to that, alright.

  DEE. Alright –

  JP. Alright – Let’s do this.

  DEE. What – Now?

  JP. What do you mean…?Yes, now – Of course now… for fuck’s sake – is there a hearing problem in this place?

  DEE. Okay okay.Jesus – will you – I need a drink here, boys.

  JP. What’s new?

  DEE. Shut up. (Opens a bottle of wine.)

  JP. Hurry up.

  DEE. Okay. Okay – Get me the number.

  AIDEN looks through the Yellow Pages butJP has the number in his phone.

  JP. That’s her house.

  DEE. Here goes nothing.(Dials – throughout the following speech she is reacting silently with AIDEN – mostly mouthing at him to be quiet and to back off.Near the end, JP practically has to restrain him.)

  Hi.Hiya, Denis.(Mouths ‘shit’.)It’s Deirdre Farrell here.That’s right.I’m doing great thanks.And how’s about yourself?Really?I see.That sounds very rewarding for you, Denis, well done.Absolutely.Tell me – Is your mam there?She’s not.Right.Are you expecting her home soon?Good.I know exactly what she’s like.No keeping her down.Will you give her a message from me?Good man. (Pause.) And what one condition would that be? (Pause.) Ah, stop it, will you.(Pause.)You’re embarrassing me now, Denis. (Pause.) No there’s no one here – that’s not the… (Pause.) Denis.(Pause.)Just a normal skirt and blouse, okay?(Pause.) Okay… (Pause.)Denis.(Pause.)No it’s – it’s just above the knee, alright – now will you please. (Pause.) I’m not wearing tights.(Pause.)It’s red. (Pause.) Pretty tight.(Pause.) Black shoes. (Pause.)White.(Pause.)They’re white too.(Pause.) They are a matching set, yes.(Pause.) That’s right.(Pause.)That’s right.(Pause.) Yes I am.(Pause.)Yes I
am.(Pause.) You all finished there now, Denis?Fair play – Will you tell your mother she dropped a fifty-euro note when she was in here this morning.(Pause.) Yes.(Pause.) What do you mean, I can…?(Pause.) No, Denis – I don’t – I don’t want to keep it.(Pause.) You don’t need to pay me for anything.No no no – I didn’t mind.I didn’t mind at all.(Pause.)Of course we can, look – Just – please – Just make sure you pass on that message for me, won’t you.Won’t you? Thank you.Okay. You too.Bye.

  She hangs up and takes a huge gulp of wine – swirling it around her mouth like mouthwash to clean it.

  AIDEN. What in the name of God just happened there?

  DEE. Don’t go making a big deal out of it, alright.

  JP. There’s no big deal to make.Well done, Dee.You did what you had to do.

  AIDEN. That’ll be all over the village before the weekend comes.

  DEE. I’m glad that’s all you’re worried about.

  AIDEN. Of course it’s not.

  JP. Denis won’t be opening his mouth to anyone.Don’t stress yourself.He’ll be hoping there’s more to come.If you catch my drift.

  AIDEN. I am not going any further with this now.No way. No way.

  JP. Can you please knock it on the head with the Lanigan’s Ball.You’re making me dizzy over here.

  AIDEN. You go and do what you want to do, JP.We won’t stand in your way.We won’t say a word to a sinner.But this is not – this is not turning me and my wife into a pair of thieves and whores.

  DEE. Speak for yourself there, Aiden.

  JP. Well said, Dee.

  AIDEN. Honey.

  DEE. We are seeing this through now, love.

  AIDEN. Dee.

  DEE. To the bittersweet end – I don’t give a shite and I don’t want to speak about it any more either.

  JP. The die is cast.All bets are on.

  AIDEN. No – listen to me – please – We have done nothing wrong up to this point.It’s just been a lot of talk so far.

  JP. And you were very good at the old ‘talk’ there, Dee. If you don’t mind me saying.

  AIDEN. Stop speaking to her like that.

  JP. Grow up.

  AIDEN. I mean it.

  JP. I’m only trying to make her feel a bit better about the whole situation.You should take a leaf here, buddy.

  AIDEN. We can jump off now, Dee.We can cut our losses.

  DEE. Are you not sick to your hind teeth of doing that though, Aiden?

  AIDEN. Of…

  DEE. Cutting our losses.One after the other.Hit after hit.Knock after knock.

  JP. Now you’re talking.

  DEE. Until what?We’re back being twelve-year-olds?Sniffing around for pocket money off my mother and your father.For being the best little kids to come out of the kiddery.

  AIDEN. It’s not…

  DEE. You didn’t see their faces this morning, Aiden.They thought I was more to be pitied than laughed at and the little shits still laughed at me.

  JP. They’re all laughing at us, sure.Every last one of them.

  AIDEN. It was one interview, Dee – don’t go reading the world into it.

  DEE. I have never felt fear before today.I thought I had, I thought I must have had.But I hadn’t.Not really.And all they had to do was stare at me.Stare straight through me.With their spiked-up hair and their big white teeth.I won’t go through that again.

  AIDEN. You won’t have to, love.

  DEE. Yes I will.

  AIDEN. I promise you.

  DEE. Over and over and over.

  AIDEN. You won’t.

  DEE. Because of this.(Holds up a fifty-euro note from the till.)And the absolute power it wields in our world.

  AIDEN. Go easy with that – it’s the last one we’ve left.

  DEE. That’s QED so.

  AIDEN. No no no – listen – we can manage.

  DEE. But we shouldn’t have to, Aiden.

  JP. No we shouldn’t.

  DEE. Just manage.

  JP. It’s absolutely shocking.

  DEE. Where we sleep.What we eat.How we live and breathe.

  JP. Appalling.

  DEE. The clothes on our backs, the shoes on our feet.We shouldn’t have to just manage until we’re too old to give a shit or be given a shit about. (Crying.)

  AIDEN. It’s okay.Hey.It’s okay.

  DEE. This is another way for us now.To make a go of it again.To be a success again.

  AIDEN. It’s okay.Shhh…

  DEE. Because everything we have is based on that, Aiden.I see that clear as day now.We’ve nothing without it.

  AIDEN. Of course we have, love.We have everything we’ll ever need.We have each other.

  JP. That’s very touching.

  AIDEN. I’m going to slap you in a minute.

  DEE. We don’t even have that much though, do we?

  AIDEN. I’m sorry?

  DEE. Can’t you see?Not without the life we spent all our lives building. We’ve never known each other without it.We’ve never really known anyone without it.

  AIDEN. Come on now.

  DEE. Did you call your dad today?

  AIDEN. I…

  DEE. After he called this morning.Did you call him back?

  AIDEN. I didn’t get a chance, sure – with all this shit.

  DEE. It’s got nothing to do with that.You didn’t call him because you have no clue how to talk to him any more.And he’s your father, for God’s sake.

  AIDEN. Listen.

  DEE. All of the great friends we used to have.

  JP. You’ll always have me.

  AIDEN. Will you stay out of this please.

  DEE. Dean and Amy.Tom and Fiona.Conor and Mags.You see what I’m saying?Where’s everyone gone?We haven’t spoken to each other in over a year and we used to meet up once a week minimum.

  AIDEN. And we shouldn’t have let that happen.No argument there.We shouldn’t have all stopped talking to each other just because we didn’t like the subject matter any more.We shouldn’t have all withdrawn just because we felt like worse versions of who we used to be.We’re not.We’re good people.

  JP. You’re like a broken record with that so you are.

  AIDEN. We should all make the effort to get to know each other again.

  JP. Well, you can count me out of your little class reunion.I never liked any of those shitheads when they had a few bob.I am certainly not putting up with them when they’ve shag all to offer me.

  AIDEN. I don’t think you need to worry there, JP.You were never the first name on any of their Christmas-card lists.

  DEE. I’m pregnant, Aiden.

  Pause.

  AIDEN. What?

  DEE. I’m pregnant.

  AIDEN. But… How are you?

  JP. Don’t look at me.

  AIDEN. We haven’t … we haven’t.

  DEE. In weeks.I know.Seven to be precise.

  JP. I’m sorry for your troubles.

  DEE. And now you know why.

  Pause.

  AIDEN. Jesus Christ, Dee.

  DEE. And now you know what’s at stake.

  AIDEN. What’s at stake?What are you…?

  DEE. I’m out looking for a job, Aiden.You think I’d be out doing that with a baby coming.

  AIDEN. But I thought you just said…

  DEE. I’m going over to London to visit Joanne next Saturday.

  AIDEN. Yeah?

  DEE. I have an appointment made.

  Pause.

  So.

  AIDEN. You’ve…

  DEE. What choice have I?Look around you.Tell me?

  AIDEN. Ahh, Dee.

  DEE. Not one.Not a fucking one.Not until now that is.

  AIDEN. When were you going tell me about this?

  DEE. I wasn’t.

  JP. Jesus.

  AIDEN. Are you for real?

  DEE. There was no point telling you, Aiden.I knew there’s nothing you could do to change our circumstances and I wasn’t about to go and make you feel even worse about

  that fact.
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  AIDEN. What has our circumstances got to do with this?

  DEE. Where do you think we’re living, Aiden?Where babies rear themselves?Out in the jungle?Down in the desert?Where?We are living in Ireland.

  AIDEN. I know where we are living.

  DEE. We are living in Ireland in the year 2014 – These kind of luxuries of life are a thing of the past.

  AIDEN. Jesus.

  DEE. Unless the gods happen to smile down from above.Unless lady luck happens to show up at our door out of the blue.

  GERTIE enters quickly.

  GERTIE. Well, here’s the gleesome threesome now.Yis all look lovely together.

  JP. Gertie.

  GERTIE. Are yis having a board meeting?

  JP. We were talking about business alright.

  GERTIE. I’d say Michael O’Leary is shitting himself.

  JP. I’d say he is, yeah.And how are you today, Gertie?

  GERTIE. How I am is the least of your worries, Kennedy.(To AIDEN.)What’s wrong with you?Where’s the fucking ghost you just saw?

  DEE. Did you get my message, Gertie?

  GERTIE. I did.Denis texted me.

  DEE. Fair play to him.

  GERTIE. You’ve some money I lost.

  JP. You lost some money, did you, Gertie?

  GERTIE. It would appear so.

  JP. Not like you at all.

  GERTIE. There’s a first time for everything – you might find that out for yourself one day.

  DEE. Let me have a look at your bag there, Gertie – you must have a tear in it somewhere.

  GERTIE. There’s no fucking tear in it – what are you on about, woman?

  DEE. Well, it must have fallen out somehow – look, I can see one there – (Reaches and grabs the bag.)

  GERTIE. Would you give over – (Holds onto the bag.)

  They struggle over the bag.The bag and contents spill on

  the floor.

  For fuck’s sake – (Starts to reach down to pick up the contents but freezes.) Oh my fucking back!

  JP. Allow me.

  JP and DEE start to clear up the mess – all the while looking for the ticket.

  GERTIE. I’ve my eye on you two there – I have a full count of every item.

  They continue to look.

  And while they’re rooting around down there – you can make yourself halfway useful and check this again for me.

  She produces the Lotto ticket from her pocket and hands it to AIDEN.

  Because unless I am very much mistaken – the National Lottery website is telling me I have some numbers on it.

  DEE and JP stop dead in their tracks.

  JP. You checked up the old website, did you, Gertie?