Chancers

by Robert Massey

  GERTIE. I’m well able to.

  JP. No doubt about that.

  GERTIE (to AIDEN). Well?

  Pause – AIDEN goes and checks.

  AIDEN. Oh.

  GERTIE. What?

  AIDEN. Would you look at that now?

  GERTIE. What is it?

  AIDEN. It’s…

  GERTIE. What?

  AIDEN. Congratulations, Gertie –

  GERTIE. Yeah?

  AIDEN. It’s a winner alright.

  GERTIE. How much?

  Pause.AIDEN looks at DEE and JP.

  How much?

  AIDEN. Two hundred and fifty thousand euro.

  Hands GERTIE the ticket back.

  JP (big). My God.

  GERTIE. That’s what the website said too.I thought I was imagining things.Well, that will do nicely now, so it will.

  AIDEN. Are you sure that’s the same ticket you gave me earlier, Gertie?

  GERTIE. I don’t know how you manage at all, I really don’t – you’ve your head stuck so far up your arse it’s coming back out your mouth.I’d say she has to double-check everything you do.I certainly would anyway.

  AIDEN. It must have been the machine.

  GERTIE. A bad workman always blames his tools.

  AIDEN. I’ll have to get it looked at.

  GERTIE. Yeah – you do that.Get yourself looked at while you’re at it.It would be money well spent, believe me.I’ll be off so.

  JP. Wait a second now – hey – hey – Sure have a drink with us here, Gertie.

  GERTIE. For what?

  JP. To celebrate – your win.

  GERTIE. I’m not paying for it.

  JP. Of course you’re not.It’s on the house.Aiden – grab a few glasses there.

  AIDEN. No – I’m sure Gertie just wants to get going now, JP.

  GERTIE. Always the miser, isn’t he?

  JP. Absolutely – Is that what passes for customer service round this place?You’ve just sold a winning Lotto ticket, man – sure you might get a prize for that yourself.

  GERTIE. He’ll get fuck-all – I bought that one in Tescos.All he did was check it.

  AIDEN. Wonderful.

  JP. Get the glasses, will you?

  AIDEN. No, JP – No – Now let’s just…

  DEE. I’ll get them.

  AIDEN (a warning). Dee.

  DEE. Back in a flash.

  JP. Good girl yourself.

  DEE goes into the back.JP opens a screw-top bottle of wine.

  The windfalls just keep on coming for you, don’t they, Gertie.

  GERTIE. Grand bit of luck alright.

  JP. You must have done something good in a previous life.

  GERTIE. I must have.

  JP. ’Cause God knows you did fuck-all good in this one.

  GERTIE. Give over your oul’ bleating now, Kennedy – ’tis getting embarrassing.

  JP. Don’t worry, Gertie – I plan on stopping real soon.

  DEE back.

  DEE. There we go.

  JP pours for everyone.

  JP. A toast.To Gertie and her good fortune.

  Glasses raised. DEE hands GERTIE back her bag.

  Show us that ticket for a second there, Gertie, would you?

  GERTIE. There’s nothing to see on it but a bunch of random numbers.

  AIDEN. That’s right.

  GERTIE. Nearly as random as what you and your boys were paying per acre back in the high times.

  AIDEN. Put it safe in your bag there, Gertie.

  JP (harsh). Good man, Aiden.Good man yourself.

  They drink a bit.

  GERTIE (to DEE). Did you get that job you were going for today?

  DEE. No, Gertie – no I didn’t.

  GERTIE. I’d a feeling you wouldn’t.

  AIDEN. There’s no need for that now.

  JP. And what other feelings have you, Gertie?Just out of interest.About what will or won’t happen to all of us?

  GERTIE. Pretty piss-poor ones about you anyway.

  JP. Fair play to you.

  GERTIE. And by the sound of the way things are going round this place you need to find yourself some sort of work quickly, Dee.

  DEE. Well, if you hear of anything going, Gertie.

  GERTIE. Sure, where would I hear about that kind of shite?

  DEE. I don’t know, I just…

  GERTIE. Get Mr Kennedy there to keep his ear to the ground for you.He’s the expert at getting the jobs, isn’t he?If only he was half as good at holding on to them now.

  JP. If only is right.

  GERTIE. But sure as soon as he finds out they actually want him to do some real work in return for the money they’re going to pay him.

  JP. This is it.

  GERTIE. He can’t be putting up with that kind of nonsense now, can he?

  JP. You know what I’m going to tell you, Gertie…

  GERTIE. Not when there’s pots of gold sitting out on the streets just waiting for a genius like him to scoop up and waltz off into the sunset with.Because that’s how life is supposed to play out – isn’t it, Kennedy?Everything you want for no effort whatsoever.Same as your father and his before him.

  JP. You can go and take a…

  DEE (interrupting). Sure, maybe we’ll land a windfall like yourself, Gertie.

  GERTIE. Stranger things have happened.

  DEE. Yes they have.

  GERTIE. To better people I might add.

  JP. Yip.

  DEE. It would sort out all of our problems, so it would.

  GERTIE. Well, I’ve no problems to be sorted, thank God.

  DEE. Lucky you, Gertie.Lucky you.

  JP. That’s right.

  AIDEN. I’d better be closing up now.

  GERTIE. The rush hour over, is it?

  AIDEN. It’s just – it’s six o’ clock so.

  GERTIE. So you’ve places to be.

  AIDEN. No I don’t actually.

  DEE. Your Denis will been thrilled for you.

  GERTIE. He will indeed.He will indeed.

  DEE. You haven’t told him yet so?

  GERTIE (finishes her drink).Not yet no –

  DEE. After you checked up the website, I mean.

  GERTIE. I’ll head back over now and give him the news.

  DEE. Have you told anyone else about it, Gertie?

  GERTIE. I haven’t now – ’Tis no one else’s business but mine.And I would appreciate it if you three kept it to yourselves too.

  JP. Don’t you worry about that, Gertie.

  GERTIE. I don’t need this being fed to the wrong type of people.

  JP. You’re right to be concerned.

  GERTIE. Goodnight, all.

  JP. Hold your horses there, Gertie.

  GERTIE. What?

  JP. Have one for the road with us.

  GERTIE. I’ve had enough now, thank you very much.

  JP. What are you rushing off for?

  GERTIE. I’ve a few plans to put together.

  JP. No, no, no.No.Come on.(Blocks her way – still jovial.)

  GERTIE. Get out of my way, you gobshite.

  JP. Sure, we are not finished here yet, Gertie.

  AIDEN. Yes, JP, yes we are.

  JP. Not by a long shot.

  GERTIE. What are you fucking playing at?

  AIDEN (false smile). Time to let it go now, JP, okay?

  JP. We’ve come this far – we’re seeing this through.

  AIDEN (false laugh). ‘Seeing this through’, do you hear him!Jaysus, JP, you’re a gas man altogether.

  GERTIE. What’s going on?

  AIDEN. Nothing.Nothing at all.The drink’s just gone straight to his head.

  GERTIE. Well, my fucking left boot will be going straight to his head if he doesn’t get out of my way pronto.

  DEE (interjecting). I never showed you out the back, Gertie, did I?

  GERTIE. What’s that?

  DEE. Our new home now – I never got a chance to give you the grand tour earlier.

  GER
TIE (can’t resist). Well, be quick about it.I haven’t time to be wallowing around this place.

  GERTIE and DEE exit, with DEE giving the lads a stare on her way out.

  AIDEN. That’s it now.It’s done.Alright – We’ve no more moves to make.

  JP. I am getting that ticket, Aiden.

  AIDEN. Playtime’s over, JP.Just let it go.

  JP. I’m not letting anything go and you better believe that.

  I’m finished letting things go and that’s the end of it.If I

  let another thing go there’ll be nothing left of me but skin and bone.

  AIDEN. You need to learn when to cut your losses, bud.

  JP. Same as you need to learn when to seize your opportunities.

  AIDEN. It’s lost.No harm done. Chalk it up.Walk away.

  JP. You got me involved in this, Aiden.

  AIDEN. And I’m sorry about that.

  JP. You got me involved and now I’m involved and this is two hundred and fifty grand we’re talking about here.

  AIDEN. Which isn’t ours and never was to begin with, so…

  JP. But it could be.It could be.All we have to do is take it.And then think up some way to keep her quiet.Now that’s the one and only thing standing between us and a life worth living.And we can crack that nut, you and me.We can, Aiden.You and me working together here like we used to – we can pull this off.

  AIDEN. How can we?

  JP. We get some leverage.We find something we can lean on her.

  AIDEN. Come on now.

  JP. Something that compels her to hand over the ticket and keep her mouth shut because it won’t be worth two hundred and fifty grand for her to open it.

  AIDEN. The woman has no shame, JP.That’s her greatest gift.There’s no hold we can put on her because she couldn’t care less what anyone thinks.

  JP. No no – there has to be something.With her fucking family, there has to be.

  AIDEN. Cupboard’s bare, buddy.It’s over now.

  JP. What about Dee?What about this place?What about your new baby?

  AIDEN. You don’t need to worry yourself about us.Not any more.Not from today.Time for you to hit the road, JP.

  JP. Are you…

  AIDEN. Before she comes back.Best if you’re not here.For everyone’s sake including your own.

  JP. I am going nowhere, pal.

  AIDEN. Yeah you are.You have to now.

  JP. I’m going nowhere because I’ve nowhere to go.

  AIDEN. Come on.

  JP. I don’t.Brian doesn’t want me in the house when he’s not there because I cost him too much on the heating.So he won’t give me a key to the front door.He’s out working shift this week – lucky for some – so he’s not back till ten.Muggins here gets to roam the highways and the byways like a fucking shadow until five past.

  AIDEN. You’re living with your brother?

  JP. No, Aiden.I’m not living with anyone.I’m not living at all any more.And it stops today, one way or the other.

  GERTIE and DEE re-enter.

  DEE. Alright, men.

  GERTIE. Not as bad as I thought it’d be.

  AIDEN. Nothing ever is.

  GERTIE. Well, goodnight to all and sundry.

  JP. Where’re you heading to now, Gertie?

  GERTIE. I’ve to pop down to Tescos.Pick up the Evening Herald.

  AIDEN. I’m the exact same price for that, Gertie.Everyone is.

  GERTIE. I get the points on my Clubcard there though.

  AIDEN. Sweet Jesus.

  JP. Off to Tescos and then straight back home, yeah?

  GERTIE. Well, I might pop into Kavanagh’s for a hot toddy or two – have a proper celebration for myself.

  JP. Good.Good.Fair play to you.So you’ll be out and about town for a while then.

  GERTIE. I should be.

  JP. Excellent.

  GERTIE. After I pop back home first, of course.

  JP. After you…?

  GERTIE. Give Denis the news and put my ticket somewhere safe.You just never know, do you?

  JP. No.No you don’t.

  GERTIE. Be good, the three of you.Don’t be getting up any of your old mischief.You’ll have that poor woman there worn out with your shenanigans.

  GERTIE leaves.JP starts to pace frantically.

  JP. Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Right – back to Plan A.Like we should have from the start.Why do I always have to listen to everyone else?Why can’t I ever just do what I know in my heart of hearts is the right thing to do?Give me a mask.

  AIDEN. What?

  JP. Give me a mask.A cover.A balaclava.

  AIDEN. A fucking balaclava?

  JP. Something.

  AIDEN. Cop on to yourself, man.

  JP. We have about two minutes before she gets to her front door.Three max.And then it’s gone.It’s gone for ever.

  AIDEN. It’s gone already.

  JP. No no no – fuck you – you’ve already robbed me of everything worth having.

  AIDEN. No I didn’t so don’t even…

  JP. And what good did it do you?What good did it do either of you?Well, you’re not taking this from me too.No way.Now you give me a – give me a fucking… something…

  Pause.

  DEE. What about a pair of tights?

  AIDEN. Dee.

  JP. That’s perfect.Yes – yes – and – a hat – or like – a cap – or –

  DEE. A scarf.

  JP. Yes, exactly – a scarf – excellent.

  AIDEN. Dee.

  DEE runs to get these things from the back.

  You’re really going to go through with this now?

  JP. Yes – I really am.

  AIDEN. Well, I have to say, buddy.

  JP. What?What do you have to say to me now that I have to stand here and listen to?

  AIDEN. I’m impressed.I really am.

  DEE is back in with tights and a scarf.JP puts them on quickly.

  JP. How do I look?

  AIDEN. Ridiculous.

  JP. Would you know it was me?

  DEE. Not the face, no – but the shirt – she might recognise that.

  JP takes his shirt off – he is bare-chested with the tights on his head and the scarf round his neck.

  JP. Okay?Incognito?

  DEE. I don’t know – I mean, I’d still know you.

  AIDEN. With his shirt off, of course.

  DEE. It’s fifty-fifty at best, JP.

  JP. Well, that’ll have to do.

  AIDEN. She’ll be nearly home now.

  JP. I know she will.

  AIDEN. Another ten seconds and Usain Bolt won’t catch her.

  JP. I’m going.

  AIDEN. Best of luck now.

  DEE. Be careful, JP.

  AIDEN. Oh – Just one thing while I think of it.

  JP. I haven’t time.

  AIDEN. There’s absolutely no point in doing what you’re doing.

  JP. What?

  AIDEN. Absolutely no point whatsoever.

  JP (angry). Aiden.

  AIDEN. She knows the ticket’s a winner now.And that changes everything.Even if you do manage to snatch the bag it will be no good to you because you’ll never be able

  to claim the money.

  Pause.

  DEE. He’s right.

  AIDEN. You’d have to kill her to keep it.

  Pause.

  JP runs to the counter and gets the truncheon.

  Seriously?

  JP. I’ve no choice. (Walks to the door – stops in the door frame – stands – starts to cry.)

  AIDEN. Come on now – It’s okay.It’s okay.

  JP walks back into the room.

  JP. Why is it always…?Why can’t I ever…?

  DEE walks over and holds him.AIDEN walks over and puts his hand on his back.

  AIDEN. Easy now.Easy.

  GERTIE appears at the door – she watches for a moment.Scene is a shirtless JP with a stocking on his head holding a truncheon in between AIDEN and DEE.

  GERTIE. And you
call my poor Denis weird.

  Pause – they all turn sheepishly and look at her.

  AIDEN. What is it, Gertie?

  GERTIE. I forgot what I came in here for in the first place.

  AIDEN. What was that?

  GERTIE. The fifty-euro note I dropped here this morning.If you could go fetch it for me now like a good man so I can get the fuck out of here and leave you all to your devices.

  AIDEN takes the truncheon from JP and stands with it in his hand.He starts to breathe heavily.

  Lights fade.

  End.

  ROBERT MASSEY

  Robert’s first play Deadline was developed through the writers’ programme at the Abbey Theatre and produced by Lane Productions in Andrews Lane Theatre. Other plays include Over and Out, produced by Lane Productions at the Civic Theatre, Dublin, before embarking on a nation-wide tour including Pavillion, Draoicht and the Cork Opera House; Rank, produced by Fishamble at the Helix as part of the Dublin Theatre Festival, 2008, before transferring to the Tricycle Theatre, London, for an extended run and subsequently revived in summer 2013 in a critically acclaimed production directed by Wilson Milam at the Odyssey Theatre, Los Angeles. He was commissioned by the Abbey Theatre to write the short play Growth which ran as part of the ‘Something Borrowed’ season on the Peacock stage. He lives in Clane with wife Kathleen and daughters Ella and Robyn.

  A Nick Hern Book

  Chancers first published in Great Britain in 2014 as a paperback original by Nick Hern Books Limited, The Glasshouse, 49a Goldhawk Road, London

  W12 8QP

  This ebook first published in 2016

  Chancers copyright © 2014 Robert Massey

  Robert Massey has asserted his moral right to be identified as the author of this work

  Cover image: Emmet Henry

  Cover design: Ned Hoste, 2H

  Typeset by Nick Hern Books, London

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN 978 1 84842 395 4 (print edition)

  ISBN 978 1 78001 711 2 (ebook edition)

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