Not Mine (Not Mine Series Book 1)

by Emma Evans

  ‘I can’t take it Darius,’ I blurt out as he reaches me.

  Darius looks confused as he keeps his arm extended. I don’t think he’s taken in the words yet.

  ‘Of course you can,’ he replies as he looks down at me.

  This feels wrong and out of proportion. I jump to me feet. My actions startle Darius a little. It was a little dramatic I guess.

  ‘It’s fine if you’ve forgotten mine. I’ll have it the next time we see each other,’ he adds as if he thinks this is the cause of my anxiety.

  ‘I haven’t had a key cut,’ I state realising that dancing around the subject isn’t going to get us anywhere.

  ‘No worries. There’s plenty of time,’ he reassures me as he continues to hold out the key. I need to make my point clear.

  I shake my head. ‘I’m not going to get a key cut,’ I say as I start to pace. I can’t look him in the eye. I know I should but I’m being a coward. ‘I don’t want your key either.’

  I stop. I have to get the words out and I have to face him. Darius’s arm comes down slowly and he perches himself on the arm of his sofa. He crosses his arms across his chest. He remains silent as he waits for me to continue.

  ‘I... I think we should break up,’ I blurt.

  I could have done it with a bit more finesse but I guess it doesn’t matter which way I say it, the meaning is still the same.

  ‘Okay...’ Darius replies slowly and looks at me expectantly. He’s waiting for me to say more. I hate having to give a reason. Why can’t you end a relationship and that is that? Why has there got to be explanations?

  ‘I just... It’s not you...’ I realise I was about to use the “It’s not you but me” line but think better of it. ‘We don’t... I don’t think we have a future.’

  I think that’s as specific as I can be. We haven’t argued. Something drastic hasn’t happened; I just can’t see us having a future.

  ‘Okay,’ he replies again.

  Darius is totally expressionless. I have no idea what he is thinking. The room falls silent. I don’t know what else to say.

  ‘Okay,’ I repeat mainly to break the silence. I want to reach out and touch him but I know it would be entirely inappropriate after what I have done. I shuffle nervously on my feet. ‘Are you okay?’ I ask even though I know I shouldn’t.

  ‘I’m fine,’ he replies straight away and gets to his feet. ‘You’re probably right,’ he adds with a sad smile. He doesn’t elaborate. I have no idea what he is thinking or even if he means the words.

  ‘I should... go,’ I tell him.

  If he wanted explanations or if he’d taken it badly then I would stay but he seems fine. He really seems fine. The news doesn’t seem to affect him at all. Maybe he was thinking the same as me but didn’t want to say. The thought makes me feel better. It could be false. He could break down as soon as I leave but he’s not that type of person. I don’t think this is devastating him.

  ‘Of course,’ he replies cordially. He’s beside me in a second and pulls me into a hug before I know what has happened. ‘Take care of yourself Av,’ he says as he holds me. Darius lets me go and looks me in the eye.

  I smile at him. He’s being so kind. Darius is always kind but I’m surprised by how well he’s taking it.

  ‘You too,’ I reply. I stand awkwardly for a minute before I find my feet and leave.

  I sit in my car for a while outside of Darius’s house. If he can see me from his window then he probably thinks I am a weirdo. I know I am. I take a deep breath. I’m shaking. I don’t know why I’m shaking. I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off me. I know I have made the right decision. I’m happy that Darius feels the same. We were stagnant and perhaps he already knew that something was missing.

  It felt too easy. The breakup felt like a normal conversation. It doesn’t feel like I am never going to drive to this address again. It feels normal. I shake my head. I have to pull myself together. I feel as though I should have someone shouting and screaming at me which is stupid.

  I drive home and sleep soundly. I don’t feel sad or upset. I feel like I have taken a positive step towards my future. I feel lighter and as though I have taken back control in my life.

  I wake the next day feeling lighter, almost like I have a renewed sense of purpose. I shouldn’t feel this happy having ended my relationship but I shake the thought off. I don’t want to bring down my mood today. I get ready and head to my first lecture of the day. I can’t help but look at my phone every so often and I wonder who I am expecting a message from. I have the urge to give Darius a call but refrain. He won’t want to hear from me and I’m not quite sure what I would say anyway.

  I find little reminders of Darius around the flat. He didn’t leave a lot here, only a toothbrush and a few other little bits. I wonder whether he will come around and retrieve them; probably not. There’s not a lot here to reclaim. It hardly feels worth the effort. I know I’ve probably left about the same at his place. I feel a pang of sadness but try not to dwell on it. It’s for the best. It was better to do it now rather than another year down the line.

  I go to University and I manage to keep my focus for the entire day. I find that a small victory at least. I still have this odd feeling which won’t go away. I don’t feel like I have made a mistake but something doesn’t feel right. I’d hoped the feeling would dissipate once I broke up with Darius. Will I ever feel content? I’m starting to think not. Like I said, at least I’ve managed to focus in my lectures today, which is a small win.

  After my mildly successful day I go home but I feel restless. I keep looking at my phone but I still don’t know what I am expecting. Did I really expect Darius to call? I don’t know perhaps part of me did. He took the breakup so well. I guess it does reiterate the point that I made the right decision. I can make them sometimes. I have food and take a bath. I’ve already been to the gym today but I’m contemplating going back. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It seems to be the reoccurring theme in my life.

  I find myself leaving my flat and jumping in my car. I haven’t considered where I am going but I seem to be driving in a clear direction. I stop outside the bar. I’m not working tonight. I don’t have the urge to drink or socialise but I find myself here.

  As I get out of my car I look down at my appearance. I’ve got a pair of old jeans on a cream jumper which is comfy and warm but not exactly sexy. Where had that thought come from? I have no reason to want or care how I look, which is a good thing because I have zero makeup on after my bath. I still look a little flushed from my soak, either that or my stupidity is starting to hit me and I know I shouldn’t be here. I know this but I still make the steps into the bar.

  It’s crowded in here tonight and I wonder whether they need an extra pair of hands. I think I might have a spare uniform in the boot of my car. The uniform is not particularly distinguished. I have a shirt with Grey Shadows logo on it and I team it up with a pair of black trousers or skirt. It’s not skirt weather yet.

  I make my way to the bar as I scan the room. Confusion hits Ted’s face when he sees me. He also looks around to take in that I am alone. Suddenly I feel foolish and wish I had stayed at home.

  ‘Avery, didn’t expect you tonight,’ he states as he continues to frown.

  I haven’t really had a chance to talk to Ted about the other evening. It feels as though the moment has gone and it would be foolish to bring it up again. Ted has been fine since then. It’s almost as though I made up the tension in my head but I know I didn’t.

  ‘Do you need a hand?’ I ask hoping I can dodge the need to come up with an excuse as to why I am here.

  ‘Nah we’re fine,’ he replies as he finishes pulling his pint. It’s then I notice Nadine is in the far corner of the bar serving. ‘Are you here alone?’ he asks even though he knows the answer to the question.

  ‘Yeah,’ I reply as I shuffle nervously on my feet. My eyes find themselves wandering around the room again.

  ‘He’s not her
e,’ Ted tells me as he smiles and serves another person.

  ‘Who?’ I ask knowing I don’t want to really get into this conversation.

  ‘Lawson,’ Ted answers simply as he gives the gentleman his change.

  Ted fixes his gaze on me which makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel too exposed.

  ‘I don’t care if he’s here or not.’ I try for nonchalant but don’t know if I’ve managed it or not. The look on Ted’s face is suggesting not.

  ‘Right,’ Ted replies like he doesn’t believe me at all. ‘Would you like a drink?’ Ted then asks while raising one of his eyebrows at me.

  Of course, that should be the reason why I have come here; for a drink.

  ‘A diet coke please,’ I reply.

  I don’t really want a drink but he is right; what other reason do I have being here. Did I want to see Lawson? It’s foolish, as Lawson hasn’t been in for days. I feel restless. It has absolutely nothing to do with Lawson. Ted gives me the coke and I pay him. He refuses the money of course. I perch on a stool by the bar. I continue to gaze around the room as Ted serves the remaining customers. It’s actually not as busy as I first thought. I notice Ted say something to Nadine from the other end of the bar which makes her laugh. She nudges him playfully and I wonder whether something is going on there. Ted didn’t elaborate who he went on a date with, maybe it was Nadine. She’s only eighteen but I guess Ted is only a few years older than her.

  Ted’s eyes reach mine and smiles as he makes his way over to me.

  ‘You seem sad,’ Ted muses as he reaches me. I could do without the close scrutiny but I have a feeling I am going to get it.

  ‘I’m okay,’ I reply and shrug my shoulders.

  I came to the bar because I felt restless but it hasn’t done anything at all to help. I feel out of place sat this side and I am constantly looking around as I try to pass the time. This was a mistake. Maybe Ted can lighten the mood. I can always rely on him to put a smile on my face.

  ‘Are you sure? You don’t normally call in for a drink. You barely have enough time to work let alone indulge in after-school activities,’ he states with a somewhat smile on his face.

  ‘After-school activities,’ I repeat and giggle.

  Ted shrugs his shoulders. ‘Uni is kind of like school so yeah, after-school activities,’ he confirms.

  ‘I guess I have a little bit more time on my hands,’ I say more under my breath than anything else but I can tell he has still heard me.

  I do have more time on my hands but that time is meant to be spent studying or completing assignments. I shouldn’t be sitting here alone as if I have no care in the world or nothing else better to do with my time. I’m going to leave. I’ll finish my conversation with Ted and then leave. It will appear a little strange to him but he’ll forget all about it in a few days time. At least I hope he forgets all about it in a few days time.

  ‘How do you have more time on your hands?’ Ted asks as he turns to serve a customer at the bar.

  ‘I broke up with Darius,’ I blurt without really thinking about it.

  Ted is the first person I have told. It’s not deliberate and I haven’t consciously kept it from anyone. I guess I was delaying the inevitable. Everyone loves Darius so it’s going to lead to a lot of unwanted questions; especially on Hasina and Chloe’s part.

  Ted wasn’t quite expecting my reply as he looks over with shock on his face and almost drops the pint glass which is in his hands.

  ‘What? Hold that thought,’ he says as he speedily serves the customer. ‘You broke up with Darius?’ he repeats as he moves closer to me.

  ‘Yep,’ I confirm. I don’t know what else to say; that about sums it up.

  I know Ted will pry. It’s in his very nature to be laid back and take everything in his stride but he’s become such a good friend that I know I’m going to get the third degree. The only difference between Ted, Hasina and Chloe is that I know Ted won’t judge. He won’t push me when I don’t have the answers and I know he won’t ridicule me for ending things on a feeling; a feeling I can’t quite describe.

  ‘Why did you break up with Darius?’ he asks next as he folds his arms across his chest. He’s frowning and I wonder what the hell he is thinking.

  Where do I start? It’s hard to describe when I don’t really know why I did it. I just know I did the right thing. I think about Lawson. There’s no way I’m going to admit to Ted that I am attracted to him. I can’t voice the words out loud. It’s bad enough thinking them. The thoughts are safe in my head and that’s exactly where they are going to stay.

  ‘Honestly, I don’t know.’

  I don’t know whether starting my sentence with the word honestly was the wisest choice of words but it’s out there now. I guess I am being honest. I’m only omitting that I’m attracted to someone else.

  ‘Darius wanted to swap house keys and it all got a bit much and I don’t know, I had to end it,’ I add in a rush. It is sort of the truth. The whole issue with the key started to highlight what I couldn’t see before.

  ‘It’s okay not to be ready for that stage yet and still be together,’ Ted startles me by saying.

  Ted is so anti-relationships I expected him to make me feel better and tell me I did the right thing because everything ends at some point. Those are his words too. He’s constantly telling me that nothing lasts. I always think he is too young to be so jaded. He’s twenty-three but I guess that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been through a lot. I used to quiz him about his attitude but he’s always been reluctantly to reveal anything concrete.

  ‘I know,’ I reply a bit frustrated.

  I thought it would be easier with Ted. Maybe that’s the reason why I came here. I wanted to tell someone and I knew Ted would have my back.

  ‘I can’t describe it. It’s like all of a sudden it wasn’t the case I wasn’t ready; it was the case I didn’t see us with a future at all. I just... I had a feeling which wouldn’t shift and I knew I had to end it. It wasn’t fair to Darius,’ I explain the best I can.

  Ted nods his head as though he is agreeing with me but in reality I have no idea what he is thinking.

  ‘That explains it then,’ Ted eventually says. I look at him in confusion. ‘You’re in the need of a good night out. That’s why you’re here,’ he adds.

  I bite my tongue. I don’t think at all that’s the reason why I am came here tonight. I can stretch the truth a little but I know for a fact I wasn’t looking for a night out.

  ‘I can’t remember the last time I went on a night out,’ I say truthfully.

  I meet up with Chloe and Hasina every now and again but our clubbing days seem to be long over. I don’t mind I wasn’t big on the whole scene anyway. God I sound old.

  ‘Exactly long overdue,’ Ted confirms as he holds onto the pumps behind the bar.

  I think about it for a minute. It hadn’t been my attention but it might be a good idea. As I ponder this my eyes trail down the bar and I see Nadine watching us intently. She looks a little annoyed I’ve captured Ted’s attention.

  ‘So what’s going on with you and Nadine,’ I ask as I drag my eyes away from her. The hostility radiating from her has me wanting to send Ted back down to her so I can be left alone.

  Ted glances down at Nadine before he looks back at me. ‘Nothing. Why? Are you jealous?’ he asks with humour in his voice.

  I look at him incredulously. ‘Yeah. I’m raging with jealously. I can hardly contain myself. Can’t you tell?’ I reply as I look at him deadpan.

  Ted gives me one of his easy smiles. ‘Definitely,’ he confirms.

  I stare at him as I wait patiently for him to continue. His playfulness vanishes and is replaced by a look I’ve only seen once before.

  ‘I don’t fuck every woman I come into contact with Av,’ he tells me with a hint of frustration.

  My mouth hangs open for a second. I haven’t heard Ted use such language before. I didn’t mean to offend him. He normally makes a joke of the endless list of women h
e tends to see.

  ‘I’m sorry... I didn’t mean... You just seemed to be getting on well so I wondered whether anything was going on,’ I try to explain myself the best I can.

  ‘Why does my love life bother you so much?’ he asks. I’d hoped we could drop the subject. No such luck.

  ‘It doesn’t,’ I reply quickly as I feel the need to defend myself. ‘You’re always out on dates. I thought it was an innocent enough question.’

  Ted seems to think about something for a minute. I have no idea what is going through his head.

  ‘So when are you going out with the girls?’ he asks swiftly changing the subject.

  I’m glad he’s changed the subject but the mystery surrounding Nadine remains. He was way too touchy on the subject for it to be as innocent as he implied.

  ‘I’m not,’ I reply resigned. ‘Chloe is heavily pregnant. Hasina has just come back from honeymoon and is very much still in the honeymoon phase. Even if I didn’t take both of these things into account it would probably still take weeks to arrange a night out. Everyone has lives, commitments...’ I trail off as I am very well aware I have cut ties with my commitments.

  Ted shrugs his shoulders. ‘So go out with your Uni friends,’ he replies simply as if it’s a plausible thing to do.

  I shake my head. ‘Not happening. I’m almost ten years older than the lot of them. I already feel old sitting in lectures around them. I’d hate to think what it would be like on a night out.’ I have to stick to my guns on this one.

  ‘That’s nonsense. You need to forget the age thing and start enjoying Uni life,’ Ted persists.

  I huff out of frustration. I don’t even want to go on a night out. Sipping my coke and chatting to Ted has been enough.

  ‘Maybe,’ I reply. It’s not going to happen. I’ve passed that phase in my life.

  ‘Why don’t we go out once I finish up here?’ Ted suggests almost hopefully.

  I glance at Nadine and she’s making her way closer to us slowly. I don’t think she would be happy with that arrangement. I contemplate the idea. I have no doubt in my mind it would be fun. Ted and I have been out for a drink and some food before but never a proper night out.