Not Mine (Not Mine Series Book 1)

by Emma Evans

  ‘I can’t,’ I eventually reply.

  I see the disappointment in Ted’s eyes and the relief in Nadine’s. She’s listening to our conversation and it’s very obvious something is going on between them. I love Ted dearly but what I don’t understand is how or why nearly every girl he goes out with tries to change him. He always makes it clear he doesn’t want more but that doesn’t stop them from trying. Maybe that’s the point; they like the challenge. I can see the fallout now between Nadine and Stacey. They’re both clearly smitten with him.

  ‘I’ve got early lectures tomorrow,’ I add.

  I don’t want to be on the receiving end of Nadine’s glare. She seems to visibly relax as I utter the words.

  ‘Okay, well the offer is always there. There’s no expiry date,’ he replies with a smile reaching his eyes again. And just like that we fall into easy conversation again.

  ‘Are you sure you’re not waiting for someone?’ Ted asks not long after. I look at him quizzically. The question has materialised out of nowhere. ‘You keep scanning the room,’ he adds while I remain quiet.

  I hadn’t realised I had been looking around the room.

  ‘No. I guess it’s habit,’ I reply hoping he won’t probe further.

  The look on his face tells me he doesn’t believe me but he does let it drop.

  I head home not long after. It’s been a long day but I feel slightly better than I did this morning. I think about my conversation with Ted. Was I waiting for Lawson? I haven’t seen him in a few days and I must admit I miss our chats. I’d never admit this to anyone else. He’s hot and I like chatting to him and that’s all there is to it.

  Chapter 6

  A couple of days pass. They are long days and as each and every one goes on my mood sours further. I can’t pretend it has nothing to do with him. I haven’t seen him for almost a week. He’s never left it this long not even before... well before we started chatting. It sounds crazy but I kind of miss him. If I miss him then I guess it’s for the best he has stayed away. I wonder where he’s been. What’s he doing? I try to shake the thoughts of him away. It will drive me crazy. He’s with his wife. It’s perfectly normal because he is married. Lawson did start to come in a bit more regularly but it’s becoming apparent that this wasn’t for any other reason than boredom. Maybe his wife had been out of town for a while and he was passing the time of day here. As the days drag on it becomes more and more likely.

  I did the impossible. Okay it’s not really the impossible but it is totally out of character for me. I’m going out tonight. I’m going out with Hannah and a few of her friends. I don’t know what came over me. I was listening to them at lunch time making plans for the evening and I blurted out that I would like to join them. I don’t know what possessed me. I want to back out but there’s a part of me which wants to see it through. I’ll probably go out with them tonight and have all my fears confirmed and never do it again.

  I contemplate for ages over what I should wear. It’s been so long since I’ve been out and I am so out of touch with what all the kids are doing. I know I must stop referring to them this way when I am actually with them.

  Hannah offers to come around mine to help me pick something to wear. Before I know what is happening, all of the other girls have invited themselves around too. I don’t really mind all that much. It could be fun. It will be fun and I can’t talk myself out of it this way. It was a real possibility that I would have cancelled. I know they won’t stand for it if they are around my flat. They all seem excited but then again they always seem excited before a night out. I try to mirror the same enthusiasm and ignore the feeling of dread in my belly.

  Hannah arrives exactly on time and it’s not a minute too soon. I’m despairing as I look through my wardrobe. It has made me realise I do need to go shopping. It’s another thing to add onto my list of things to do.

  ‘I can’t wear that,’ I protest as Hannah pulls out a little red dress I can’t remember for the life of me ever wearing.

  I think it was one of those impulse purchases and then you find they sit in the back of your wardrobe forever, never to see the light of day.

  ‘Of course you can,’ Hannah insists as she hands the dress to me.

  ‘Isn’t it a little over dressed for a Wednesday night,’ I persist refusing to take the garment.

  ‘No,’ Hannah replies simply. It’s a student night; everyone dresses up.’

  I look at Hannah and back at the dress again. It is a student night but in my head I thought that meant I could dress down. I had a pair of jeans and top pictured in my head. I just needed help choosing which top. I can’t go out wearing this. I bet it doesn’t even fit. I must have bought it years ago if I can’t remember buying it. Maybe I should try it on and then when it is clearly evident it doesn’t fit I’ll be able to revert back to the jeans.

  ‘Fine,’ I relent because I now have a plan in my head.

  I put the dress on and return to Hannah.

  ‘You look hot,’ she tells me.

  I frown at her before I look in the mirror. I probably look slutty. Why did I buy a dress like this? More importantly when did I buy a dress like this? To my utter dismay the dress fits me perfectly. It doesn’t cling to my curves but it isn’t too loose either. The dress rests around my knee and it shows a little cleavage but not too much. I don’t look as bad as I thought but I still feel exposed.

  ‘I’m not sure about this,’ I hesitate.

  All of a sudden I am seriously regretting asking to come out tonight. I have this bad feeling. The knot in my gut is permanently there but now I have the feeling of dread I can’t shake off. I have a feeling tonight is going to end in disaster. I need to listen to this. I need to take the dress off and excuse myself from the night out and stay in all comfy and warm and watch a film. I think that’s a very good idea.

  ‘You’re not getting out of it,’ Hannah says as she reads my thoughts. Hannah looks up from her mobile phone. ‘’I’ve waited too long for you to agree to come out so you’re not backing out on me now,’ she adds in a soft tone. I know she was going for authoritative but Hannah is almost too kind in nature and the tone didn’t really convey what she meant.

  I want to correct Hannah and tell her I actually asked to tag along but I refrain from doing so. I guess it’s only one night and after that I can go back to my non-social life. I pat my dress down nervously.

  ‘You look great Av honestly,’ Hannah tries to reassure me.

  I still feel uncomfortable but I decide to keep it to myself. It’s only going to fall on deaf ears. I apply a bit more make-up and I curl some of my hair. I’ve gone for the smoky look but I don’t think I have overdone it. My hair bounces slightly up my back. I haven’t curled my entire hair mainly because I’m being too lazy. I had wanted the dress to clash with my auburn hair but sadly it does not.

  I look at myself in the mirror when I am done. I really can’t remember the last time I spent so long on my appearance. I feel on display and it still doesn’t sit well with me.

  I pour Hannah and myself a glass of wine. I’m astonished when she tells me she’s never tried wine before. It’s the first indicator of the age gap. I’ve never felt that way with Hannah before as she’s always seems older than her years.

  ‘I’m not sure about this,’ she says after she takes the first sip.

  ‘What do you normally drink?’ I enquire.

  ‘Dark rum and coke,’ she responds after she takes another sip. ‘I never really drank any alcohol before Uni. I guess it’s all an experience,’ she adds as she sits back in my armchair.

  I guess she’s decided she likes it. I wonder why Hannah has never drunk alcohol before. She deferred a year at University so she never touched a drop when she actually turned eighteen. I need to find out more about Hannah. We are good friends but as we’ve known each other for less than a year we don’t really have the history behind us. I’m resolved to find out more tonight.

  I sit down on my couch being careful no
t to crease my dress. I think this is going to be a reoccurring theme for the rest of the evening. Hannah looks amazing. I almost didn’t recognise her when I opened my front door. She’s left her glasses behind and replaced them with contacts. Her pale blonde hair is pulled back into a ponytail which surpasses any I’ve managed to do in the past. It looks almost effortless but perfect at the same time. She’s wearing a nude coloured dress which hugs in at the top around her cleavage and then falls loosely around her. She almost looks like a princess but not in that cheesy, overdressed kind of way. I’ve never seen Hannah dressed up before. She always struck me as the type of person who didn’t really bother with her appearance and I don’t mean that disrespectfully; she always seems as though it’s taken her seconds to get ready. I guess she always looks natural but you can see the effort today.

  We chat for a while and she makes me giggle as I watch the different faces she pulls while drinking her first glass of wine. It’s fair to say she got used to the beverage by the second glass. We’re on our third when Hannah receives a message from Nadine to say the other girls have remained in their house and we will meet them in town. I push back the thought that Nadine has done this deliberately because she doesn’t like me. I hadn’t felt that way until the night in the bar with Ted. She hasn’t quite been the same since. She’s courteous to me but something feels off now.

  ‘They’re terrible. Once they start drinking there’s no stopping them,’ Hannah tells me after she has read out the message. ‘We left their house one time so drunk I was surprised we actually managed to get in anywhere.’

  Maybe I am over-thinking it then and it is normal for them.

  ‘We’re going to meet them in Zanders in about an hour,’ she adds.

  ‘I thought you told them we’re going to get a taxi now,’ I ask. I’m pretty sure that’s what she’d said anyway.

  ‘I know. They’ll be late. I’ve been out with them enough times to know that if they say they’re going to be leaving in five minutes then it normally means an hour,’ she explains.

  I nod my head to show understanding. The thought of stepping outside is filling me with dread. It was fine sitting in my flat having a drink and chatting but actually facing the world is a different story.

  We head out an hour later and I have to admit it is okay. It’s okay because I’ve left my flat having consumed almost two bottles of wine with Hannah. I hadn’t expected us to sit in for so long and it seemed easier to keep drinking at the thought of actually going out. I don’t know what I was panicking over. This is fine. This is better than fine. I’m enjoying myself and I no longer care I am out with a group of girls who are almost a decade younger than me.

  I feel a little drunk and decide maybe a glass of water in Zanders might be a good idea. The girls are having none of it. I decide to order a Malibu and coke. I know I shouldn’t be mixing my drinks but I know if I drink much more wine I will end up home within the hour. I might be able to fool them on the next round and only have a coke. Hannah orders another glass of wine. I want to tell her to be careful but I don’t want to come across like the old stuck in the mud.

  ‘This isn’t as nice as the one in your flat,’ Hannah protests.

  ‘We were drinking rose and that’s white wine,’ I point out.

  ‘It’s not very good,’ she persists as she drinks more of the beverage.

  ‘Why are you still drinking it then?’ I ask a little confused.

  Hannah shrugs her shoulders. ‘It’s still alcohol. Not point in wasting it,’ she elaborates.

  I’m going to have to keep an eye on Hannah. She’s drank a lot and it’s her first time drinking wine. She’s looking a little worse for wear already. Maybe I should try and switch her onto coke too.

  Zanders is overcrowded. I feel a bit better about my attire when I take in what the other girls are wearing. The combination of barely there skirts and skin tight dresses make my red knee length dress look demure. I sigh from relief when one of the girls suggests we move on. It was starting to get really claustrophobic.

  ‘How about Grey Shadows?’ I suggest when it becomes clear no one can make a decision about where to go next.

  ‘Why would you want to go drinking in the place you work?’ Nadine asks with hostility. None of the girls seem to take in her tone so maybe it is just me.

  ‘It’s just a suggestion,’ I shout over the ever growing sound of the music. I remember why I hate clubs now and this isn’t even a club.

  I don’t see the problem with going to Grey Shadows. It’s a good, popular place to go and we won’t have to strain our voices to hold a conversation. It seems like a win, win to me.

  ‘Isn’t Ted working tonight?’ Nadine adds as she casts her hostile eyes at me.

  ‘Probably,’ I answer simply.

  Nadine seems to think it’s the motivating factor for me wanting to go. It really isn’t. Of course I would like to see Ted but not for the reasons Nadine is thinking. I might have to put her straight if the comments continue. She really is unnecessarily throwing hostility in my direction. Ted and I are friends and that’s all we’ll ever be.

  ‘No, we are not going there. We’ll never get Nadine out,’ Hannah tells us as she shakes her head back and forth. She’s really not looking good.

  ‘I want to stay here,’ Jess pouts. I think it’s the first thing she has said all evening so far.

  ‘We need to go somewhere a bit livelier,’ Hannah says as she thinks about where our next venue is going to be.

  Where could be livelier than here? We’re headed for a club. I can sense it. I don’t know if I want to go. Maybe I could make my excuses to leave now.

  ‘I want to stay here too,’ Leah adds. ‘Mike will be here soon too.’

  I don’t know who Mike is but judging by the dreamy look on Leah’s face it’s a either a guy she is seeing or a guy she likes.

  ‘Hey Hannah.’

  I barely make out the voice over the sound of the music. The guy has almost white blonde hair which is a little long and seems to be styled in a mess which looks stylish. I can’t see the colour of his eyes but they seem to be twinkling as they watch Hannah. I think she has an admirer and judging by the way she is looking back at him she feels exactly the same.

  ‘Hey Luke,’ she replies with a shy smile.

  ‘Can I get you a drink?’ Luke asks her. Hannah looks as though she is ready to melt. It’s kind of sweet.

  ‘Yes , thank you.’

  Hannah accepts the offer of a drink and smoothes down her dress. I think this is a nervous reaction.

  ‘Luke, where’s Mike?’ Leah asks interrupting their moment.

  ‘At the bar,’ he replies but doesn’t take his eyes off Hannah.

  Leah makes her way to the bar and Jess trails behind her. Luke says something to Hannah I don’t quite make out and they also head to the bar. I’m left with Nadine still glaring at me. I wonder whether it would be the right time to broach the subject but I don’t want to piss her off further and it’s a very real possibility after a few drinks. I think she is being highly childish and I could end up telling her bluntly how I feel. I hope they all come back from the bar soon.

  There’s a question swirling around in my head but it is lost. I should have gone home. I should have gone home at least an hour ago but I had to stay. I mean I physically didn’t have to stay but I did. I wanted to stay but now I don’t. I regret my decision and wish I could take it back. The room seems to have gone quiet which I know is stupid because the music is blearing just as loud as it has all night. I’m drunk. I’m more than a little drunk. I’m glad sense has finally hit me. I need bed. I need bed and I am going to get it. I wish I was home already. It seems such an effort to make the journey. I could be home soon, very soon. I need.... I don’t know what I need but I know getting out of here is a good start.

  I take too long to focus and it’s a little wasted as I was looking for Hannah and she’s actually right beside me. I will pretend that she’s only just arrived; although I’m
not really sure who I am pretending to. I’m far too old to be getting this drunk. I know I’m far too old to be getting this drunk when I’m already dreading the hangover. It’s going to be vicious. How am I ever going to make it?

  ‘Han, I think it’s time I go home,’ I tell her. I don’t know why I said think because I categorically know I am going home.

  Hannah pouts. ‘It’s still early,’ she protests.

  I don’t know how she can make that assumption as I have no clue what the time is. I’ll check when I leave. Do I really want to? Probably not but I know I will anyway. It feels like it’s late. It feels like it’s extremely late. We didn’t go out until about nine so in my mind whatever time it is it’s going to be late. Hannah almost loses her balance which is crazy because she hasn’t moved a fraction from where she is standing. I try to get a closer look at her but it’s too dark. Why do they have to make it so dark?

  ‘Do you want to come with me?’ I ask.

  All of a sudden I fear for Hannah’s safety. It’s irrational but I’m pretty drunk and I haven’t drunk as much as Hannah. She’s only little and I’ve been feeding her wine. Okay I only fed her some wine in the flat but I have made no such encouragement since. I think I discouraged her since. I’m pretty sure I did anyway.

  Hannah shakes her head like it’s a crazy idea. ‘No. Luke is still here,’ she protests.

  Luke bought Hannah a drink and they spoke for a while and they haven’t seen each other since. He’s the other side of the dance floor chatting to his friends. Jess and Leah are over there but I think Hannah is playing it cool. I assume she’s playing it cool because she clearly likes him and I can’t think why she wouldn’t be over there otherwise.

  Hannah glances over in his direction and I follow her gaze. Jess is chatting animatedly at him and Hannah looks a little crushed.

  ‘I’m sure she wouldn’t do anything if she knows you like him,’