‘It’ll be over soon. I’m sorry.’
Her eyelids closed, but the heat from the roaring flames grew unbearable, and her eyes shot open in anguish. Flames grabbed at her nightie, groped for her hair, seared her flesh. I held onto her as she writhed in pain, her screams matching the wail of the smoke alarm.
Raging fire engulfed us, scorched my skin. I arched my back, desperate for an escape from the inferno. From death.
But all I could do was wait – wait to die, so my mind could bring me back to life.
I couldn’t wait to get out and run off my dream. Straight after breakfast I tore out the door and crossed the front lawn. I picked up pace, my ponytail whacking the top of my back, my pulse keeping time with the music in my ears, and soon enough the thud of my feet on bitumen joined the beat of Aurora’s ‘Warrior’.
I hesitated as I passed Tyler’s place. It was too early to knock on his door. I pushed onwards up the hill and entered the track where the thicket of trees left the road.
My phone vibrated from my armband. Tyler.
‘Hey,’ I said, panting.
‘What’re you doing? You sound out of breath.’
‘I am.’ I rested a hand on my waist. ‘I’m running.’
‘Where are you?’
‘I’ve just run past your place, actually. That’s my route. I’m up the top of the road in the trees.’
‘What? You mean to say the hot girl running past my place has been you?’
‘You lookin’ at hot girls?’ I teased.
‘Only the one,’ he said and I could almost see the smile down the line. ‘You called last night.’
‘Yeah, I wanted to talk to you.’ I tried not to sound as pathetic as I felt. One weekend with him and now I needed to tell him everything.
‘Sorry, Mum needed me. I can talk now. Want me to join you?’
Did I ever.
‘Sure.’
‘Putting my sneakers on.’
My smile widened, and music returned to my ears the moment I ended the call. I jogged on the spot and shifted to calf stretches to keep my heart rate up, despite the fact Tyler’s imminent arrival meant the thing raced at full speed on its own. I was barely out of town, but I could still make out the rising mountains on the horizon. Their distance made them appear dull and murky, but I appreciated their magnificence and admired the view none the less. The music seeped through me, my calves burned as I stretched, making me wince.
‘Guess who?’ Warm hands covered my eyes, and Tyler’s simmering breath danced on my neck.
I plucked out my earphones, giving him my first smile of the day.
‘Morning,’ he said, in a deep early-morning voice, only slightly breathless from the short sprint from his house. But it wasn’t his voice that made my legs wobble, it was the adoration in his eyes.
I cast my gaze to his feet, navy blue sneakers, and those bare legs again. ‘Think you can keep up?’
He scoffed and rolled his eyes before taking off ahead of me.
‘Hey,’ I called. It didn’t take long to catch up to him, and I quickly matched his pace. Tyler glanced over his shoulder, causing a tug of unbridled happiness to my lips. I never went running with anyone…ever. It was strange, but also unexpectedly exhilarating.
With only room for one body on the track ahead, I took the lead as the path narrowed. Wet soil, from the overnight rain, squished under our feet, and ripples of anticipation flowed through me at yet another sign that winter was fast approaching. We ran through the trees until we reached the clearing on the other side where my cow friends munched on thick grass in the paddocks.
‘Wow, we’re in the middle of nowhere out here,’ Tyler said.
‘That’s why I come here. Beautiful, isn’t it.’
‘Sure is.’
A cow mooed in the distance, and the wind whispered through the grass, tempting us closer.
I climbed through the fence, and Tyler followed.
‘Check this out.’ I grabbed his hand and led him up the small hill closer to the cows. His eyes flickered to our entwined hands, then to the view of the town below, that moments ago had been hidden behind the bush.
‘How often do you come up here?’
‘Every couple of days, if I can.’
He rubbed the backs of his thighs. ‘That’s a lot of running.’
‘Not really, it’s only a couple of Ks each way. I don’t do it as much in the winter, not if I can be up there instead.’ I nodded to the mountains.
We sat in the damp grass, my nervousness heightened to a heart-pounding level at being around Tyler again. I twisted the bracelet around my wrist, instantly back on the tiled floor beside Beverly.
‘Tell me about it.’
I squinted at him. ‘Huh?’
‘The bracelet.’ He pointed to my wrist, the focus of my distraction. ‘Whenever you fiddle with it, you go somewhere else.’
‘Oh, it’s my mourning bracelet.’ I surveyed my hand and twirled the beads between my fingers. ‘Mourning as in grieving. I bought it after Richie died. I was so afraid I’d forget him I bought it as a bit of a memorial type thing. They’re not smooth, but the jet beads reminded me of little balls – Richie played basketball with Jake.’
‘What’s jet, a gemstone?’
‘Sort of, it’s a kind of coal or something. Queen Victoria wore it after her husband died. She wore mourning clothes for the rest of her life and all her jewellery was made of it ’cause it was black.’
‘So, she mourned him till the end of her life? Now that’s love.’
‘Or madness. Most people thought madness, but it started a trend and brought jet into fashion. Well, back then anyway, pretty sure it’s well into unfashionable now, but I like it.’
‘Richie meant a lot to you all, didn’t he?’
I nodded.
‘You still wear it for him?’
‘Yes and no. It’ll always be for Richie, but now I wear it to mourn others too.’
‘People from your dreams?’
‘Mmm.’
‘Did you have one last night?’ Tyler crossed his legs, as if getting ready for story time. It’d been awhile since that had happened.
I nodded. ‘After you didn’t answer your phone I called my Granny Tess, and she told me about her friend who was killed in a house fire. That’s why I dreamed it.’
Tyler closed his eyes before looking into mine, concern etched in the small creases. ‘You died too?’
My shoulders sagged. ‘Yeah, burning is a horrible way to go.’
‘Shit.’
‘Right? Sometimes I wonder if that’s what I’m for?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Comfort. Course, she couldn’t hear me when I spoke, or feel my hand in hers, but I like to think perhaps she could and it gave her some comfort.’
‘The touch of an angel.’
‘Ha, that’s a nice way of thinking about it. More like a kiss of death. I’m your real-life Brad Pitt from Meet Joe Black.’ Tyler’s blank stare made me laugh. ‘You haven’t seen that movie?’
‘Um, nope.’
‘We’ll have to change that.’
‘Will we?’ His eyes lit up playfully before he glanced back to my hand. ‘So this is your way of mourning the lady from your dream?’ He twisted the jet beads between his fingers, and the whisper of his skin against mine sent tingles up my arm.
‘Stupid. isn’t it.’
‘Not at all. I think it shows how much you care.’
Above the tall gum trees heading down to town, a thick covering of grey clouds slowly extinguished the pale blue sky. The trees bucked and swayed from the increasing winds.
‘I just feel, like, by wearing this it’s acknowledging that I was there, that I was with them. Part of me would love nothing more than to forget the dreams as soon as I wake up, but that’ll never happen, so this is my way of reminding myself, and perhaps them if they’re out there, that someone mourns their loss. I might not be the person they loved, but I still matte
r, right?’
‘Of course you do. You matter a lot.’ He brushed his thumb over the palm of my hand. I felt his words through the gesture and comfort at being able to tell him the intimate details of something so extremely personal to me.
His dark eyes were like a stormy sea. I stared into their depths, the door to his soul, and became acutely aware that I was at risk of falling far into the rabbit hole. But unlike Alice, I never wanted to leave. The thought terrified me as much as the movie.
‘Blue.’ I let the word fall from my lips.
‘What?’
‘Your eyes. They’re blue. I thought they were brown before I met you,’ I said shyly.
‘You thought about my eyes before you met me?’ He sat straighter, his mouth turning up, pride evident in his eyes.
‘Yes, I did.’ I smiled, before turning away and staring out at the mountains. Dark clouds swirled above the tips. ‘I wish I knew what she was going back for.’
‘Who?’
‘The lady in my dream.’ A gust of wind blew wisps of my fraying hair around my face, and I tucked the threads behind my ears.
Tyler frowned. ‘Why’s that important? She’s dead.’ He whacked his forehead. ‘Sorry.’
‘No, I get it. It’s useless, but this is how I deal with it. I save their lives.’ I rolled my eyes and nodded. ‘I know, they’re already dead, but I can’t help it.’
Tyler offered a flat smile. Recognition beamed behind his eyes, like he understood. Maybe that’s why he continued to dream of his dad, his mind’s way of trying to bring him back. ‘So how would you have saved her life?’
‘I don’t know. That’s why I wish I knew what she ran back into the smoke for.’
‘How do you know there was something?’ Tyler rubbed the side of his face.
‘Because she dropped it. I heard it fall out of her hand – it wasn’t big, whatever it was. Almost sounded like a coin or something.’
‘Maybe a key?’ Tyler suggested.
‘That’d make sense.’ I pressed my fist into the damp ground. ‘Damn it, it’s so frustrating sometimes. To think if it was a key, that that was all that stood between her and life. Or it could’ve been something else. Think I’ll look it up at home, see if there’s anything I’m missing.’
Tyler laid his hand over my fist. ‘You can’t save her.’
I blinked, wishing away the hot tears building behind my lids. ‘I know.’
‘Wouldn’t it be better to focus on what’s here instead, on people you can actually help?’ Tyler plucked up a blade of grass. ‘I mean…maybe that’d help take your mind off what you can’t control.’
‘Maybe.’ I bunched my knees and clasped my hands around my shins. The wind picked up, the chill increasing.
Tyler’s hair shot up with a burst of wind, but it didn’t deter him from taking in the splendour of my hill and mountains. He placed his hands behind him and leaned back with a sigh.
We stared out at the sweeping one-hundred-and-eighty degree view of hills and mountains. The peace and magnitude of it stretched from the soaring heights to the swaying wet grass we sat amongst. Behind us, a chirping in the trees broke through the intrusive winds, and as if in response a cow stammered her own low tune.
‘Such a shame.’ Tyler exhaled a long breath.
‘What is?’
‘Oh, nothin’.’
I didn’t push him, but he continued anyway.
‘Just thinking of Dad and how much he would’ve loved that we finally made it here.’
‘Was it the country he liked or the snow?’
‘Both, I think. He grew up on a farm, not a working farm, but lotsa land. That’s where he learned to fly – his dad had a glider.’
‘Wow.’
‘I know. They had money. I never knew my grandad, though. He died from a stroke when I was a few years old. Gran sold the property, said it was too much for her to maintain, and she gave the glider to my dad, but he had nowhere to keep it, so he had to sell it.’
‘What a shame. Was he gonna buy another one when you moved here?’
Pain flashed across his eyes. ‘That was the plan. I think he really wanted to give me some of what he had growing up. But he also desperately loved the snow. We came on a family holiday here once, but it wasn’t enough. He always dreamed of coming back so we could live the life he wanted every day, not just during the holidays. “Life is about living for today, not tomorrow”, he always said.’
‘I like that.’
‘Speaking of which.’ He sat up, leaned toward me, and placing his hands on my cheeks, pressed his lips to mine. They were warm and tasted of sweet chocolate. There’d been no taste or smell to accompany our first kiss in our dream, it was like a 2D drawing come to life. My pulse hadn’t slowed since we’d climbed through the fence, and now it grew dangerously close to explosion. He slid his fingers behind my neck, gathering me closer as I lifted my hand to his face, tracing my fingertips over the cool skin on his cheeks.
I dragged my lips away to catch my breath, and it came out in ragged, desperate drags, his scent leaving me wanting more. Tyler trailed his hand from my neck, down my shoulder and the length of my arm, until our fingers connected, sending another shattering jolt through my skin.
‘Wow,’ he said, and we laughed, our mouths only inches apart. ‘That was so much better than the dream.’
I nodded. ‘The dream has nothing on that.’
His eyes burnt into mine. ‘No. But maybe we should make sure.’
My laugh detonated the air, but before he had a chance to put his test into practice, the sky darkened, and a crack of thunder rumbled around us. The clouds that’d been over the mountains minutes ago were right overhead.
‘We don’t have long.’ Tyler jumped up, hauling me to my feet.
We climbed back through the fence and bolted through the trees, the rain pelting down once we reached the road. We held hands as we raced down the hill, our laughter filling the air as much as the thunder claps. Tyler’s hair stuck to his forehead, the rain pouring down his face, into his eyes and the corners of his mouth. By the time we stood across the road from his place we were drenched. My shirt and shorts clung to my skin, Tyler’s chest visible under his white top.
‘Come for dinner Friday?’ he asked with urgency but almost too soft to hear above the wailing wind. He squeezed my hand.
I nodded, and he covered my smile with a kiss before rushing across the road and waving from his doorstep.
Damn it, I forgot to tell him about @Star_Crossed. A bolt of lightning flashed overhead, illuminating the sky. I’d have to tell him another day. Soaked through to my skin, I spun around and started for home.
— 18 —
My search for more details on the house fire turned up nothing. Beverly had two children. A daughter who lived in Perth and a son in Canberra who visited most days. If I felt the way I did, I could only imagine his distress and eagerness to find the cause of the fire that’d killed his mother.
Smoke choked my lungs and burnt my eyes, and all I could do was squeeze her weak hand when my mind gifted me with another onslaught of fiery pain that night. Nothing changed; I hadn’t come up with an alternative yet. The weight of her loss, and the magnitude of my failure, seared me along with the fire. But I didn’t give up hope for Beverly; accidents could often be turned around. I just needed time.
The following day, with Tyler’s voice still echoing in my mind about helping others, I showered and dressed in faded jeans and a black hoodie, my least ‘I have money’ clothes, and strode the soaked footpaths into town. It wouldn’t take my mind off Beverly, but without school to do the job, working at the shelter would do well to keep me somewhat distracted.
Pleased to have extra hands for the day, Patty got me sorting through one of the supply cupboards with her, and then after lunch I played a few games of draughts with Henry.
I enjoyed the interlude. Being productive instead of useless helped, and when I arrived home, I held my breath and searched the news
again. The air rushed out at once, relief, so much relief. Detectives had traced the source of the fire back to the dishwasher.
I called Tyler and filled him in while I paced my room. Window to door, robe to table.
‘So if she just didn’t start the dishwasher…’
‘Yeah, but most people do at the end of the day, don’t they?’ Tyler said. ‘Not sure there would’ve been a way out of this for her.’
‘Maybe, but you know how sometimes they advertise recalls on the news, maybe she saw that, or her son saw it and told her about it.’ I paused by my window and ran my hand back and forth on the ledge, bringing to mind all the photo frames in her home, the faces of her children and grandchildren. They had to be an indication she had loved ones who cared.
I stood silently with the warm phone to my ear, contemplating her alternative. Tyler’s steady breathing flowed down the line.
I sat on the edge of my bed. ‘So how’s your day been?’
‘Mmm, not the best, not the worst.’ He spoke heavily, and my heart cracked a little for the pain behind his words.
‘That’s sucky, I’m sorry. Do you wanna get out tomorrow, do something together?’
‘I’d love to, not sure Mum’d be keen.’
‘She doesn’t like you seeing me?’
‘No, it’s not that. I dunno, I feel bad going out and leaving her when she’s in a bad way.’
‘You sure it’s still okay to come round tomorrow night then?’
‘Yeah, she’s picked a movie for us all to watch. I think she’s secretly looking forward to it, doing something normal.’ She wasn’t the only one, and the longing to see Tyler bubbled within me. But until then I had to erase Beverly’s death from my mind, and the only way to do that was to save her. Or at least pretend to.
When I woke the following morning and had my coffee and pencil in hand, I recalled the strangeness of my dream as the conversation I’d dreamed came to mind.
‘Mum, just go and check it for me, will you?’ Beverly’s son sounded impatient.
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