Dan the Barbarian

by Hondo Jinx

  He couldn't believe his eyes, couldn’t believe the stuffed animals and cheery photo collages, the Penn State paraphernalia, and the posters. Especially the posters! Cutesy posters with little kids hugging, panoramic landscape shots with motivational captions about hope and following dreams, and one poster with a fuzzy little kitten dangling comically from a rope, captioned, Hang in there!

  “This is hilarious,” he said, beaming with amusement.

  “What?” Nadia said with a dangerous look on her face. She was dressed in her good-girl attire. Once again, she looked like a cheery, innocent RA, not an experienced thief with heavy connections in the underground.

  Dan twisted, spreading his arms. “Everything,” he said. “It's all so pink and girly, so normal!”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Nadia said, and slapped her ass. “Bite me.”

  “Don't tempt him,” Holly said. “Why do you think I'm wearing a turtleneck?”

  Nadia gave Dan a dismissive wave. “Barbarian boy couldn't handle me.”

  “Which version?” he asked.

  “Either version,” Nadia said. “Now look, about this guy we’re going to meet, I wanted to tell you a few things.”

  Holly smiled.

  She hadn't slept at all last night. Part of that was Dan's fault, but mostly she had just been too nervous. Dan had awakened a few times throughout the night to find her lying there, staring up at the ceiling.

  For as much as Dan hated the idea of working with a magic user, he hoped that this guy would turn out to be the real deal. Anything to help Holly reach her dream.

  And to help me win the prize money, he thought. Right now, he couldn’t even afford Riddles from the Past, the textbook that he was supposed to be studying.

  The library’s copy was marked as missing, and the university bookstore wanted one hundred and ten gold pieces for a used copy!

  He had stood there in the bookstore and flipped through the pages, thinking that he might do a little studying then and there, but the thirty chapters that he was supposed to read took up four hundred pages of tiny print. After thirty seconds of reading, his eyes had glazed over.

  Riddles from the Past was incredibly dry. And no surprise, considering the author… none other than Dr. G.K. Lynch herself!

  Privately, he worried that Dr. Lynch was right. Maybe he really was too stupid and too lazy to even read her book.

  I have to do it, he thought. I have to get the book and study it, or my college days are over.

  Unless they won Campus Quest, of course. Then he’d have enough money to carry on without the scholarship.

  “His name is Zeke,” Nadia said.

  “Well, that's promising,” Dan said sarcastically.

  Holly squeezed his hand, and he reined himself in.

  “He’s just down the hall,” Nadia said. “But before you meet him, keep in mind that it was very difficult to find a wizard on such short notice.”

  “Understood,” Holly said. “You’re a miracle worker. We love you for it.”

  Nadia smiled uncomfortably. “What I'm trying to say is that Zeke is… atypical.”

  “Atypical?” Holly asked.

  “Nontraditional,” Nadia said.

  “As in a nontraditional student?” Dan said. “So he's old and weird?”

  “Nontraditional does not mean old and weird,” Nadia said, actually sounding like an RA. “Zeke has just had a different path than a typical student.”

  Dan laughed. “Last year, when I lived in the freshman dorms, a nontraditional student lived down the hall. He was about thirty, ex-military, and listened to horrible 70s music. Left toenail clippings all over his dorm floor. You walked in there, it sounded like you were walking on crusty snow.”

  “Ew,” the girls chorused.

  Dan shrugged. “But the guy bought us booze, so he was okay. Sort of…”

  Holly squeezed his hand again. “It's almost eleven,” she said nervously. “Campus Quest starts in an hour. Let's go meet this guy.”

  They headed down the hall.

  Nadia stopped outside the last room on the left. Weird, trippy music was coming from inside.

  Then Dan recognized it. Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon. Which song, he couldn't say.

  “One more thing,” Nadia said. “Are either of you allergic to monkeys?”

  Holly shook her head.

  “What?” Dan said. “Monkeys?”

  Nadia knocked on the door.

  A strange voice called, “Enter at your own risk!”

  Stepping into the room, Dan felt a double wave of revulsion.

  The first wave was because he was entering a wizard’s home. Just the thought of magic made his skin crawl.

  The second wave of revulsion was in response to the room itself.

  The place was a wreck. Overflowing bags of trash sat on the floor, surrounded by dirty laundry and countless takeout boxes. Fly strips corkscrewed down from the ceiling. The stale air smelled of rotting food, dirty socks, and the unmistakable odor of old people.

  Or rather, the odor of one old person.

  And a monkey.

  They sat across from one another at a chess table. Zeke hunched over the pieces, a tangle of wild, bright white hair hanging down his back.

  Across from him, the monkey bounced excitedly up and down.

  “Make your move!” the old man demanded, sounding surly.

  The monkey took a pull off of a bottle of yellow liquid, wiped his mouth with a furry forearm, and stared at the chessboard with his dark eyes glistening like oil drops. His fur was the color of charcoal, save for a peppering of gray across the muzzle and a little white patch at the top of his skull.

  The only thing he’s missing is an organ to grind, Dan thought.

  The monkey’s lips peeled back in a fearsome grin, bearing a mouth packed to little white teeth and sharp looking canines. He leaned forward and moved a chess piece. Then he squealed triumphantly, stood up on the chair, and raised his skinny arms overhead, chittering wild monkey laughter and spilling yellow liquid all over the place.

  “You drunk son-of-a-bitch!” the old man said, and swung his arm, knocking pieces off the board. “Not again!”

  Dan shot Nadia a look. “This is Zeke? This is our wizard?”

  Nadia nodded, smiling awkwardly.

  Dan tugged Holly's hand. “Come on. Let's go.”

  “Wait,” Holly whispered. “Spellcasters can be eccentric. Let's at least talk to him.”

  “If you insist,” Dan grumbled.

  Zeke stood to face them. He was old. Really old. Like eighty or something. His beard was just as white as his hair and even longer and crazier looking. But his bulging blue eyes took the crazy prize.

  “Any of you kids a chess master?” Zeke asked. “I need somebody to knock this cocky bastard down a peg or two.”

  Behind Zeke, the monkey tilted the bottle and chugged long gulps of yellow liquid. The floor beneath him was littered with empty bottles and orange peels.

  Zeke stared bitterly at the monkey, shaking his head. “He stays up all night drinking banana beer and eating oranges, but do you think I can beat him? No!”

  Dan experienced a fresh wave of trepidation. Because all of a sudden, he recognized Zeke.

  Not as a person, but as a type.

  Zeke was exactly the sort of magic user that showed up again and again in Willis's adventures. If Dan’s suspicions were correct, Zeke would turn out to be one of two types of quirky wizard.

  Most likely, he would provide comic relief and a couple of magic missiles, the bare minimum to allow them to join the Campus Quest competition.

  Dan shuddered at the only other possibility. Zeke might actually be powerful. Really powerful–and completely insane.

  Introductions were made. Zeke referred to himself as Zeke of the Planes.

  “The Great Plains?” Holly asked.

  Zeke looked at her like she was crazy. “Not Plains, Planes,” he said, and waggled his arms overhead. “Alternate universes and realit
ies, the various planes of existence, high, low, and right here, smack dab in the middle. I’ve traveled them all, not to mention the Between!”

  Zeke burst out laughing as if he’d said something hilarious.

  The girls smiled, but Dan glowered at the guy.

  Zeke bounced his shaggy white eyebrows up and down at the girls. Then, noticing Dan’s sour expression, he narrowed his blue eyes and made a face like somebody had cut the cheese.

  The monkey was hitting the bottle and picking up the chess pieces.

  Holly went over and crouched down next to him. “And who's this little fella?”

  The monkey offered an enthusiastic grin.

  “That is my traveling companion, familiar, and roommate, Zugzwang,” Zeke said. “Or, as I call him, Zuggy.”

  The little monkey took another pull off the bottle and stuck his other paw out to Holly.

  Holly tittered and shook the little hand. “Very nice to meet you, Zuggy,” she said. “May I pet you?”

  “Oh, he would love that,” Zeke said. Then, glancing toward Dan, he added, “I wouldn't say the same to your male companion, though. Zuggy hates assholes.”

  “Hey,” Dan said, taking a step forward.

  “No offense, sonny,” Zeke said, raising his palms defensively. “I'm just an old man, and old men are allowed to say weird shit.”

  Holly leaned over and scratched Zuggy on his white spot.

  “Where did you get him?” Nadia asked.

  “I won Zuggy many years ago, throwing dice with the Ebon Corsair, the most feared pirate of the Ivory Coast. The Ebon Corsair had three trademarks. He used his sharpened teeth as weapons in battle, decorated his ship with the decapitated heads of rival captains, and stayed drunk day and night on a highly alcoholic banana mash.”

  “Yeah,” Dan interrupted, “this is all super interesting, buddy, but Campus Quest kicks off in half an hour. Are you really a wizard, or are we just wasting our time here?”

  Turning to Nadia, Zeke asked, “I can’t understand a word that this guy says. Does he always mumble so much?”

  Holly yelped with surprise. Zuggy had jumped into her lap. He threw his long arms around her and nuzzled into her bosom. Holly laughed. “What a little cutie!”

  Zeke licked his lips. “That monkey stays drunk all the time. Banana mash is his poison. I tried to dry him out, but he got the DTs so bad. Night terrors and everything. Poor little fella sounded so pitiful, whimpering in the night. Finally, I just gave in. As long as I keep him drunk, he's happy. And he really is one hell of a chess player.”

  Nadia glanced at her watch. “So, Zeke, you were telling me that you are experienced with magic.”

  “Oh yeah,” Zeke said distractedly, watching as Zuggy chattered at Holly and held the bottle to her lips.

  Holly laughed and pushed the bottle away. “None for me, thank you, Mr. Zuggy. It's not even noon yet.”

  “Either of you have questions for Zeke?” Nadia asked Dan and Holly.

  Yeah, Dan wanted to say, which variety of Willis's crazy old wizards are you, Zeke? The comic relief variety, or the holy-shit-why-did-he-just-summon-a-gorgon-while-we’re-trying-to-talk-our-way-through-the-city-gates variety?

  Holly stood. “I don’t have any questions.”

  The monkey still clung to her, one arm thrown around her neck. Zuggy leaned away, swinging his bottle back and forth, like a drunken pirate hanging from the mainmast.

  Holly beamed. “I have a really good feeling about this. Thank you so much for joining our team, Zeke.”

  “No problem,” Zeke said, and cackled madly. Then he glanced at Dan with seeming confusion. “What are we doing again?”

  Dan squeezed his fists and gritted his teeth. They were screwed!

  24

  Campus Quest

  “Wow,” Dan said as he and the girls navigated the chaotic celebration that was opening day of Campus Quest.

  The day was perfect, warm for October but not too warm, the sky overhead a brilliant, cloudless blue. Music blasted overtop excited cheering, laughter, and a thousand shouted conversations.

  The HUB Lawn was packed with event stations, vendor booths, waiting teams, and excited spectators, many of whom wore face paint and carried signs in support of one team or another. A lot of the signs belonged to sororities, fraternities, and campus organizations like ROTC, but Dan saw a lot of ragtag independent teams with names like the Lionesses of Lyons, the Pugh Street Pugilists, and the Beasts from East.

  When they reached registration, Dan looked around with a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Where is Zeke?”

  Nadia narrowed her eyes, scanning the crowd. “I don't see him.”

  “Relax, guys,” Holly said, beaming. “He said that he'll be here.”

  Holly had undergone an amazing transformation. Given the buildup to all of this, Dan would've expected her to be a bundle of nerves, but she was relaxed and happy, soaking in the moment.

  Meanwhile, his own guts were twisting with anxiety.

  He was sick of being broke. Sick of worrying about his scholarship. Sick of people like Dr. Lynch lording their power over him. He needed to win this money.

  “Well, Zeke had better hurry,” Nadia said. She was back in thief mode, looking super-sexy in high black boots, a skintight black bodysuit, and a little black mask. “Registration closes in fifteen minutes.”

  Dan paced as time bled away.

  “Ten minutes!” someone called from the registration tent. “We close in ten minutes!”

  The registration lines dwindled and died away. Every other team apparently had its shit together enough to at least register on time.

  “Five minutes!” the official called. Then, spotting Dan and the girls, the official asked if they'd registered yet.

  “No,” Dan bellowed. “Our son-of-a-”

  “Not yet!” Holly interjected cheerily. “We're waiting on our wizard.”

  Dan paced back and forth, mumbling curses and bloody oaths as the minutes drained away.

  “Last call!” the official shouted. “Folks?”

  Dan shook his fists at the sky. Why? Why did they have to put their faith in a wizard? Anyone with half a brain knew that you could never trust a sorcerer. Sure, Campus Quest had been a long shot, but at least they'd had a chance, no matter how small. Now…

  “He's here!” Holly chimed sweetly, stepping over to registration. “Our wizard is here.”

  Zeke stepped into view, scratching his beard and looking bored, confused, or both.

  “Where have you been?” Nadia asked. Dan didn't miss the edge to her voice. For one reason or another, this competition was obviously important to her, too.

  “And what the hell are you wearing?” Dan asked.

  Zeke took a second to examine his own clothing - a funny little cowboy hat and a bright poncho fringed with tassels. “Just my normal attire. Why?”

  “You're a wizard,” Dan said. “Shouldn't you be wearing, oh, I don't know, something wizard-y like a robe?”

  “This is my Clint Eastwood look,” Zeke said with a crooked smile.

  “Which movie?” Dan said. “The Weird, the Bad, and the Ugly?”

  Holly called them over to registration. “We have to choose a team name,” Holly said, as the official looked on impatiently.

  Nadia glanced doubtfully at her teammates and said, “How about the Noobs?”

  “I love it!” Holly said. “Dan? Zeke? Are you guys cool with that name?”

  Dan shrugged. “Sure.” He would've preferred a more ominous name, like the Life Stealers or the Death Dealers, but ultimately, he supposed that it didn't really matter.

  All that mattered was winning the money.

  They each got their assignments, an event station number, and a time. Holly first, then Nadia, and then Zeke. Dan would fight last. And for Dan, it would be a fight.

  Today's competition tested the class skills of each team member, so Dan would be fighting. He wished that he could just fight now and get it over with, but he
was the last of the team; and because they'd been the last team to register, he was probably the last competitor of the day, period.

  Great.

  No pressure, Dan.

  Moving away from the paths and behind the booths toward the center of the HUB Lawn, they found a grassy patch to stretch out and wait.

  On all sides, teams were warming up and spectators were blasting music, catching rays, and tossing frisbees. Nearby, a group of girls in bikinis and shirtless guys poured a bottle of grain alcohol into a gigantic watermelon. Partying hard at noon…

  Holly found a space to herself and started praying.

  She’s praying to the sun, Dan thought, but he couldn’t be sure.

  Nadia started stretching out, twisting at the waist, touching her toes, and drawing the attention of basically every male in the vicinity. Except Zeke, who was shifting around, adjusting his poncho, apparently having some sort of weird wardrobe malfunction.

  Turning to Zeke, Dan realized that the white-haired weirdo had actually shown a shred of professionalism. Deciding to give credit where credit was due, he said, “At least you left your drunken sidekick at home.”

  The monkey’s head had popped out of Zeke's poncho with a screech.

  “Whoa!” Dan said, staggering backward with surprise.

  “Don't go wettin' your pants, sonny,” Zeke cackled. “It's just Zuggy.”

  The monkey crawled free of the poncho, hauling a half-empty bottle of banana beer after it. His fur stuck out in all directions, and his bleary eyes squinted in the bright light of day. The monkey sat down hard in the grass, shook his head, and started drinking again.

  “He looks like forty miles of rough road,” Dan said.

  Zeke stretched out on the grass beside the monkey and pulled his ridiculous cowboy hat over his eyes, siesta style. “Poor little fella's hungover,” Zeke said. “That's why he never sleeps. Give him fifteen minutes of shuteye, and he's hungover.”

  Holly came over, beaming, and kissed Dan. “I'm so happy.”

  “Happiness looks good on you,” he said. “Are you ready?”

  “Absolutely,” she said, then watched as Nadia did a front walkover and slid smoothly into a full split. “You look hot, Nadia!”