Dan the Barbarian

by Hondo Jinx

  Nadia stuck out her tongue, stood, and did a series of three fast backflips.

  “Crom,” Dan said. “She's really good.”

  Holly nodded. “I feel a little guilty, honestly. She's a pretty accomplished thief. She could've signed on with a way more experienced team.”

  “Speaking of thieves,” Dan said, and pointed to where Zeke lay in the grass, already snoring. Zuggy was rooting through the wizard’s pockets. The monkey withdrew a fistful of sparkling coins and staggered away into the crowd.

  Dan was just about to wish Zuggy good riddance when a voice spoke up behind him.

  “Well, well, well,” the voice said in an all-too-familiar, taunting whine. “If it isn't Danielle!”

  Growling, Dan turned.

  Grady and a gang of gnolls leered down at him in Alpha Alpha Alpha shirts.

  “They'll let anybody into this competition,” one of Grady's frat brothers chimed in. The others yipped their horrible hyena laughter.

  Then Grady spotted Holly. “Hey, girl, why don't you ditch Danielle and bring that fine body over here.”

  Dan ripped Wulfgar free of his sheath. The two-handed sword roared a stream of curses.

  Grady dropped back a step, and a sliver of curved steel snickered from its scabbard. “Go ahead and try it, Danielle,” he sneered. Around him, a dozen frat-boy gnolls drew steel.

  Dan set his shoulders.

  “Take out the one talking all the shit,” Wulfgar advised. “Then drive right through the middle. They’ll cut each other trying to get at you.”

  Dan nodded and stepped forward.

  Holly's hand stopped him. “Don’t, Dan,” she said. “There are too many of them.”

  Dan shook free. He didn't care how many there were. He was going to water the grass with their blood.

  At that moment, a man in chainmail appeared, wagging a finger at Dan and the gnolls. “Save it for the events,” the guard said. “Any unauthorized fighting will result in expulsion from Campus Quest.”

  Grady laughed nastily and sheathed his scimitar. His frat brothers followed suit.

  “You losers aren't worth our time,” Grady sneered. “Have fun getting eliminated today. If you want to look for us, we'll be the ones winning the whole competition.”

  Grady and his asshole friends strutted away, cackling mad hyena laughter.

  25

  Ready, Set, Go!

  After a while, the monkey came waddling back, straining mightily beneath the weight of a beer ball, complete with a tap on top. He plunked the mini keg down beside the snoring wizard, stretched out on his back, and poured an amber stream into his open mouth.

  Dan watched with amazement until Nadia tugged his arm. At last, it was time for Holly to compete.

  “Come on, Zeke,” Dan called.

  Zeke sputtered out of sleep and lifted the brim of his hat just enough to squint up at Dan.

  “Wake up,” Dan said. “Holly's about to compete.”

  Zeke waved him off, laid his head back down, and let the hat slide over his eyes again.

  “Let me sleep,” the old wizard said. “I was dreaming of other planes. At least, I think it was just a dream.”

  Worthless, Dan thought, and followed Nadia and Holly across the lawn to a small roped-off area.

  Three judges in green robes sat at a table. Before them, a nervous-looking druid with a sprig of mistletoe in each hand was stumbling through an incantation.

  Nothing happened.

  The judges frowned. One of them, a grim-looking halfling with gray hair, thanked the druid for participating and sent her away.

  A few more druids followed. The judges asked each a series of questions, then had him or her demonstrate a spell. Most did better than the first girl, but no one did anything really impressive.

  Holly smiled, hands on hips, springing up and down on her toes and twitching her butt back and forth like a sprinter before a big race.

  When it was finally Holly’s turn, Dan kissed her cheek and whispered, “You got this, babe.”

  “Woo-hoo!” Nadia cheered, and clapped wildly. “Let's go, Holly! Noob power!”

  Holly stepped forward and announced herself to the judges.

  All three judges looked up from their clipboards with surprised expressions.

  The gnome cleared his throat. “Holly Thorn of Rothrock? Are you the daughter of the Iron Druid?”

  Holly nodded, not looking particularly pleased to have been recognized.

  The judges stood and bowed to Holly.

  Holly smiled uncomfortably, thanked them, and returned the bow.

  The gnome asked a series of questions, mostly stuff about the forest and animals and different rituals. Holly answered everything smoothly. Then the gnome asked which spell she was going to demonstrate.

  “I will bring an animal under my thrall,” Holly said.

  “What animal?” the gnome asked.

  One of the other judges pointed to a faraway rooftop, where a small black speck sat, looking no larger than a flake of pepper on an elephant. “A small sparrow perches on the eaves of Atherton Hall. Of course, the bird is very far away…”

  Dan could tell that the judge was proposing an unusually ambitious challenge, probably testing the guts and power of the Iron Druid’s daughter.

  Holly nodded. She fluttered a leaf of mistletoe through the air while speaking in Elvish. Then she moved her lips again, emitting not words but birdsong.

  Dan couldn't believe it. Holly sounded just like a bird. Unfortunately, there was no way that the little bird would hear her at this distance, not over the pounding music and cheering.

  To his surprise, the bird hopped from its perch and took flight, soaring over the crowds, growing larger and more distinct as it came closer and closer, until it fluttered down and landed on Holly's staff.

  Holly cheeped and twittered.

  The bird hopped along the staff, climbed up Holly's arm, and perched atop her shoulder, singing happily.

  Holly responded with birdsong. The little bird tilted its head at her, then twittered a response.

  Holly laughed and turned to the judges with a smile. “This little fellow is quite confused,” she said. “With all the people milling around, he was sure that the grass was full of worms, but it hasn't rained for days.”

  The judges laughed.

  “Well done,” the judge who had challenged Holly said, nodding in approval. “Well done, indeed.”

  Nadia’s event turned out to be an obstacle course. Over a hundred thieves lined up, waiting their turn.

  Nadia cracked her knuckles, rolled her head in a wide circle, first one way, then the other, like a fighter getting ready to enter the ring. “Wish me luck,” she said.

  Holly popped onto her toes and gave Nadia a quick kiss. “Good luck! You're going to do great!”

  Nadia turned to Dan, her green eyes shining brightly from within the mask. She gave him a sarcastic smile. “Don't even think about trying to kiss me.”

  He laughed. “Dream on. Good luck. And hey, if the going gets rough, just pretend you’re that little kitten from your poster. Hang in there!”

  She flipped him the bird and got into line.

  The thieves had to run, jump, tumble, climb a two-story wall without a rope, and pick a lock. The whole thing was timed.

  The event moved with surprising efficiency. The course was wide enough for three competitors to run at the same time.

  Some were surprisingly unathletic. They ran slowly, couldn’t jump far, and tumbled like pieces of dropped luggage.

  A few, on the other hand, were fantastically athletic.

  Most were in the middle.

  At one point, Holly elbowed Dan. “Watch this guy,” she said, pointing to a wiry elf at the starting line. “You remember when I told you about the pros, how some of them enroll in college just so they can participate in Campus Quest? Well, you're looking at one.”

  Wondering how she knew, Dan took a closer look. The guy was older, the elven equival
ent of a human in his late twenties. His amber eyes were serious and confident.

  An official shouted, starting the race.

  The pro was fast. He sprinted out away from the others, leapt over the first obstacle, tumbled under the next barrier, popped up, and sprinted to the ravine, where he leapt into the air, latched onto the rope, swung over the void, and landed softly on the other side.

  He hit the wall running. Already way ahead of his competitors, the wiry elf flew up the wall faster than a spider, swung his legs over the top, and dropped two stories to the ground. He sprinted to the next barrier, a freestanding wall with three heavy doors, and set to work on the lock. A second later, the door swung wide open, and he was through in a flash. He crossed the finish line, shattering the standing record by a full minute. The crowd erupted with applause.

  Several more waves went. Then it was Nadia’s turn.

  “Come on, Nadia!” Dan shouted.

  Beside him, Holly whispered prayers.

  Nadia crouched at the starting line. Then the judge shouted for them to start.

  Nadia moved in a black blur. She was way faster than the other thieves, almost as fast as the pro. She rocketed through the initial obstacles, scaled the wall with superhuman speed, dropped to the other side, and sprinted to the locked door. This, too, she conquered with insane speed. She shot through the door and sprinted to the finish line.

  Dan and Holly cheered wildly.

  Nadia was in second place!

  Holly hugged Dan fiercely then stepped back, her purple eyes shining with excitement. “Can you believe this? We’re doing great! We have a real shot at making the next round!”

  Dan hugged her, feeling simultaneously excited and nervous. The nervousness was a surprise. But then again, his earlier fretting had surprised him, too, showing up uninvited like a long-lost relative that he’d never much liked.

  He had thought that he had picked up enough of Wulfgar's belligerent boldness to be done with all that painful half-stepping forever. But here he was, starting to churn again. And once again, it all came down to money.

  He really, really wanted to win this competition. Sure, it was a long shot. He had known that all along. But somehow, seeing how well the girls had done, realizing that winning was actually a possibility, made things worse. Suddenly, he realized that their failure or success depended on his performance.

  Nadia rejoined them, boiling over with happiness. She gave Holly a big hug and surprised Dan by hugging him, too.

  He felt the warmth of her cheek against his face and her firm breasts pressed into his chest.

  Something in him stirred.

  But then it was all laughter and congratulations, and the trio moved back downhill to wake Zeke, who was up next.

  Returning to their patch of grass, they looked around, stunned.

  No Zeke, no monkey, no beer keg.

  “Where the hell is Zeke?” Nadia asked.

  “Wizards,” Dan growled.

  But Holly kept smiling. “I'm sure he knows what he's doing. He probably woke up and went off to compete.”

  They pushed through the crowd and made their way to the wizard trials. Dan tensed as they moved through the area, which was split into dozens of roped-off rings. At the center of each ring, a wizard performed spells.

  Off to the left, a young wizard in shiny orange robes swept his arms frantically and bugled what sounded like an epic incantation. Unfortunately, his voice broke toward the end. There was a loud crack, a bright flash, and the orange-clad kid flew twenty feet into the air. Squealing with terror, he plummeted back to earth, hit hard, and lay in a pitiful heap.

  Onlookers gasped sympathetically. Then one section of spectators exploded in wild, crazy laughter.

  “What an asshole!” Grady shouted, pointing at the incapacitated wizard. His frat brothers yelped and squealed with cruel laughter.

  Assholes, Dan thought. One of these days…

  They reached the end of the wizard rings with no sign of Zeke.

  “Where is he?” Dan grumbled. “You guys kicked so much ass. If he messes this up…”

  “I'm really sorry,” Nadia said. “He was the best I could do on short notice.”

  “Lighten up, guys,” Holly said, still smiling. “There's no reason to think–a ha! There he is.”

  Zeke seemed to appear out of nowhere.

  Zuggy sat on his shoulder. Barely. The monkey was weaving back and forth and holding on to a patch of Zeke’s poncho with one paw. Seeing Holly, the monkey squealed with delight and started to bounce up and down. Then he seemed to think the better of it and hunkered back down again, weaving uneasily.

  Zeke held the half-empty beer ball in one hand.

  Zeke looked sour. “Zuggy’s shitfaced,” he said. He nodded downhill. “I'm taking him downtown for a cheesesteak before he starts a fight or something.”

  “What are you talking about?” Dan said. “You can't leave.”

  Zeke rolled his eyes. “Watch me,” he said, and started walking away.

  “But it's time for your event,” Nadia called after him.

  “Stop your fretting, little girl,” Zeke called back over his shoulder. “I already went.”

  “How did you do?” Dan, Holly, Nadia all yelled in unison.

  But the mage and his monkey had already disappeared into the crowd.

  “I'm sure he did fine,” Holly said. She was still smiling, though it looked a bit forced now.

  Holly grabbed Dan and Nadia by the arms and started pulling them through the crowd. “Come on. You’re up next, Dan!”

  26

  Fight!

  Five minutes later, they stood before a tall wall of black plywood.

  The walled area was massive, taking up a quarter of the HUB Lawn, maybe more. From crowd gossip, they had learned that the inside of the structure was like a maze, with narrow hallways connecting a bunch of slapped-together fighting pits. No one knew who was fighting whom or what the rules of engagement were.

  Dan had the world’s worst case of butterflies. Like, giant carnivorous butterflies that could only be hit by magical weapons… and only on Tuesdays.

  Seeing fighters limping away, nursing grievous injuries, Dan understood that he could lose a hand, a limb, or even his head here, but that wasn’t his concern.

  He didn’t fear combat, dismemberment, or even death.

  He feared failure.

  If he fought well, the Noobs might move on to compete another day, with a shot at gold and glory.

  If he fumbled, however, he wouldn’t just flush his future down the toilet. He’d crush the girls’ dreams, too.

  Holly squeezed him arm and gave him a warm smile. “Lighten up. Nobody can beat my big, strong barbarian!”

  Dan forced a smile.

  Then Nadia kicked him in the ass and laughed. “Don’t mess this up, buttercup!”

  An official appeared in the narrow doorway, pointed at Dan, and beckoned for him to follow.

  Holly gave Dan a kiss for luck, and he joined the official at the entrance.

  “Name and team?” the man asked.

  “Dan Marshall,” Dan said. Then, feeling stupid, he added, “The Noobs.”

  The official raised his brows, letting Dan know what he thought of the name, marked his clipboard, and led Dan into a narrow hallway.

  On either side, black plywood walls rose twenty feet in the air. Here and there, they passed a door. The walls were too high to see inside the fighting areas, but the thin plywood didn’t do much to block the clash and clamor of combat or the telltale smells of blood and piss and shit.

  The ground at his feet was spongy, almost swampy. He looked down and realized that it was sodden with blood that had soaked out from beneath the plywood barriers.

  To his left, something thudded loudly into a door. The whole wall shivered with impact. A mad scratching started at the door, and a whimpering voice pleaded, “Let me out of here! I don’t want to play anymo—”

  Another thud, another shiver, a
n inhuman roar, and the begging fighter’s words whipped away in a bloodcurdling scream. Then the scream, too, cut off with a wet crunching sound.

  “Ah, here we are,” the official said, when they’d reached the next door. “Number nineteen. I’ll lock the door behind you. When your opponent enters, it’s a fight to the death, anything goes. You will be timed and judged on technique. Understand?”

  Dan nodded. His heart was pounding, and his fingers tingled.

  “Good luck, Noob,” the official said, and opened the door.

  Dan stepped through. The door closed and locked behind him, and he was standing in a square, high-walled fighting pit, thirty feet to a side. The ground was covered in well-churned sawdust that had turned pink with blood. The only other feature of note was a door in the opposite wall.

  Watching the door, Dan drew his sword.

  “Ye-ha-ha!” Wulfgar hollered. “Let’s get barbaric!”

  Dan wasn’t feeling particularly barbaric. In fact, he was feeling a lot like old-world Dan… a bundle of nerves. “Who do you think we’ll fight?”

  Wulfgar snorted. “Doesn’t matter!”

  Dan nodded. But it did matter. Big time. “What if it’s a pro?”

  “Don’t be a pussy,” Wulfgar said. “Whoever comes through that door, you kill him. Got me?”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Dan said, staring at the door.

  Was it his imagination, or was that door bigger than his?

  He squinted, swinging Wulfgar back and forth.

  Yeah, the door was bigger, at least a foot or two taller than the one he’d come through. Why would it be so much bigger?

  A sound made him jump. An unseen man clearing his throat. Dan spun around but saw no one.

  Then the man cleared his throat again, and Dan followed the sound, looking up.

  A head was peering over one wall. Then Dan realized that someone was watching from the other side, too. Were those judges? They must have—

  BANG!

  The door flew open, smashing into the wall, and a huge man rushed out.

  Dan huffed with surprise and lowered Wulfgar like a lance.

  Easily six-and-a-half feet tall with a thickly muscled, green-skinned body armored in filthy rags and what looked like bloodstained splint mail, Dan’s opponent had the head of a pig, complete with an upturned snout, short tusks, and wide-set beady eyes that burned with rage.