Retreat

by Jay Crownover

  “Boston is beautiful.” It was one of my favorite big cities on the East Coast but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t picture him wandering the narrow streets and blending into the urban sprawl, not even a younger, more naïve version of him.

  “It is beautiful, and so was Selah. I stopped in my tracks when I first saw her. I met her freshman year and wasted no time claiming her heart and her time as mine. She was a sweet girl from the middle of nowhere Colorado, so we connected instantly. Neither one of us ever thought we were going back to small town living and spent many nights together planning a grand, adventurous life together. We were engaged by junior year and I marched her down the aisle not even a month after graduation. We were young and stupid in love . . . stupid being the key word.”

  He glanced at me over his shoulder and I saw his mouth was pulled in a line so tight it looked like his entire face might shatter from the tension in it. “My dad brought the boys to the wedding and I noticed he didn’t look so great. I didn’t come home much during school, partly on purpose because I think I knew if I left the city, the chances of me making it back were slim to none. I liked the city, but it was never home and there was no greener grass to be found. My favorite part of Boston was Selah. I was arrogant enough to believe that we would be happy wherever we were, as long as we were together.”

  My heart tripped over itself at his words. “That doesn’t sound arrogant. It sounds romantic and sweet.” I knew I could desire him and turn into a quivering mass of greedy want and need for him. I was amazed that I could actually like him and admire him as well. His tough outer shell hid a lot of really delicious and decadent things on the inside. It made me wonder if we had more in common than I originally thought.

  Cy made a noise low in his throat which had Boss jerking his head at the sound. I reached down to run my fingers through my steed’s midnight mane and to settle us both.

  “I was idiotic and short-sighted. I should have known what was waiting for me, considering I watched my mother flit in and out of my life whenever she decided life in Wyoming was too stale and too hard. Dad was sick, had been sick for a couple of years, and didn’t want me to know. I wanted to experience life away from the ranch and he knew the instant I found out how sick he was, how dire the situation back home was, I would head back no questions asked. That’s exactly what I did. Only I came back with a wife who had no desire to be there.” He put a hand to the back of his neck and rubbed like it would release the chains of tension that were linked there.

  “Selah did her best. At first, she tried to help out and find her place, but she was never happy, and the sicker dad got, the deeper I dug in so she knew there was going to be no persuading me to leave. My brothers were getting older but they still needed someone to take care of them. By that time, Brynn lived with us as well and needed someone to look out for her. There were too many people relying on me, but the one who mattered the most, I was helpless to do anything for.”

  I wanted to give him a hug because it sounded like an impossible situation to be caught in. Love was often about sacrifice; I knew this because my grandparents had given up a lot when they took me in, but they never complained about it and always made sure I had had every opportunity to succeed.

  “She was here for a year, and each day I could see a little bit more of her happiness die. Her spirit was suffocating and the sweet girl I loved was turning into someone I didn’t recognize.” He shook his head and his voice dropped lower. “I thought it would all turn around when she found out she was pregnant.”

  I gasped a little because he hadn’t mentioned having kids. My breath caught at the image of him holding a dark haired little girl with gray eyes, atop a horse that had the same black and silver coloring as her dad. I had no idea where the picture came from but it made my heart race and my palms sweaty.

  Cy’s shoulders turned to stone in front of me and his horse obviously sensed the change in his rider’s mood because it pulled to the side and jerked its head hard in the bridle. “Dad was down to his final hours but business was doing better with me at the helm. I thought starting a family would settle her in and make her see this was as good a place as any to raise our kids. We were surrounded by family and our baby would have a legacy that they grew up preserving, just like I did. Being away made me appreciate everything I’d worked for, and the fact that I had helped build it with my own hands gave me a sense of pride that I didn’t have in the city. She finally seemed hopeful and reluctantly okay with us building our lives here.”

  He went quiet for a minute and when he finally did speak again, his voice sounded like it was being dragged from someplace inside of him that was filled with all those sharp and pointy things I’d been running from when I found him. “It was the middle of winter when something went wrong. She started having cramps and before any of us knew what was happening, she was bleeding and in more pain than I knew any human could feel. The closest town to the ranch is an hour away. In winter, that’s easily two hours or more. By the time I got her to the hospital, she lost the baby and almost lost her life.” He cleared his throat and shook his head as if he was trying to dislodge the painful memory. “She never came back to the ranch. She refused. She blamed this place for taking both her husband and her baby away from her. She begged me to go with her when she was finally well enough to travel, but I couldn’t do it. I had my dad and my brothers. I had the ranch and things that were always going to be my responsibility. She broke my heart but in all honesty, I broke hers even more. She left and I stayed and that’s how it ended. It was a mirror of how things ended between my mom and dad.”

  It took me a second to find my voice, and when I did it was strained and thin with compassion. “That’s sad. I’m so incredibly sorry for both of you.” It also explained why he might not be a cowboy on the outside but was one hundred percent cowboy in the inside. His life was what sad country songs were written about. It sounded tragic and heartbreaking. Most people split up because they fell out of love or simply couldn’t remember what they loved about the person in the first place. It seemed entirely unfair that Cy and his ex loved and cared enough but that still wasn’t enough to get to happily ever after.

  “Don’t be. Selah is remarried to a chiropractor and lives outside of Boston in Salem. She has three kids and sends me a Christmas card every year. She offered to fly back when my dad finally passed, but I couldn’t handle seeing her on top of putting him to rest and the drama my mom tried to create once he was gone. Selah was always a good woman, she just wasn’t the woman for me.”

  “You weren’t for her.” I tossed his words from the other day back at him and was rewarded with a half grin. Gah, it made me feel warm all over and had those tingles in private places pulsing happily to a tune that only he seemed to know how to sing. I lifted my eyebrows, not because he was still on friendly terms with a woman who mattered so much to him, but because of what he said about his mom. “Your mom caused a scene when your dad passed away? That sounds like something my mother would do.”

  He shot me a look over his shoulder and our eyes locked. “Dad divorced her when he found out he was sick, not because he stopped loving her, but because he didn’t want her to try and sell the ranch out from underneath us once he was gone. She stopped coming around, but by that time he had remarried so there was no way for her to really manipulate him and play games with him anymore. She took the opportunity to make her feelings known at his funeral about being cut out and left without so much as a dime from him, until I dragged her ass out of the church and told her I never wanted her to step foot back in Wyoming. I must have made my point because she has a five-year-old granddaughter she’s never attempted to meet.”

  “Do you still see your stepmom?” I liked the idea that his dad had managed to experience a few moments of happiness before passing away. He sounded like a good man, a strong man. He sounded a lot like my own grandfather and there was no doubt he had imparted all those qualities on the man before me who he had raised in his own im
age.

  He gave a chuckle that had no traces of humor or amusement in it. “I see her almost every day. You’ve met her.” His dark eyebrows shot up and a muscle twitched in his jaw. “Brynn grew up in a trailer park not too far away from our ranch. She and Lane are the same age and were in the same class at school. Her home life wasn’t the best, partly because of her being a quarter Native, but mostly because her dad likes to drink. My brother has always had a soft heart. He brought her home with him time and time again, and each time she was in worse shape than the last. Dad offered to take her in on a permanent basis but her old man wouldn’t hear of it. Every time she was here he would show up drunk, pissed off, and drag her back home. Local police couldn’t do much about it because the trailer park was between state land and Native land so they were always trying to pass the buck.”

  My mind was spinning and couldn’t seem to land on a place where serene and pretty Brynn was married to man more than twice her age and terminally ill.

  “After years of trying to protect her and keep her safe, dad had had enough. The only way to get her away from her family and the abuse permanently was to tie her to a different family. I was in Boston, Sutton was all tangled up with Daye’s mom, and Lane was too young to get married. Since he’s so fond of telling you all about me I don’t have any problem telling you he would have put a ring on her finger in a heartbeat. Brynn was barely eighteen and dad married her to set her free, but a lot of folks didn’t see it that way. They accused him of taking advantage of her and her of just wanting to get her hooks in a fairly well off, but not long for this life man. It wasn’t easy for either of them, especially since Lane has always had a thing for her but it was the best, most effective option. She’s always been family and she did a good job taking care of everything until I could get back home where I belonged.”

  I blew out a long breath and shifted on the saddle. “That’s one hell of a story.”

  He grunted in front of me. “It’s not my favorite one to tell. What about you? You ever make it down the aisle?”

  I choked on a laugh and shook my head even though he wasn’t looking at me. His attention was focused back on the trail ahead.

  “No. Not even close. I’ve only had one serious relationship in my entire adult life and it turned out not to be as serious as I thought.” That got me a curious look but the mules started to act up and he had to shift his attention away from me just as quickly as I got it. “In fact, it was all a joke.” That was on me.

  “You’re skittish and unsure, but there is no doubt that you have good lines and will make for one hell of a ride. What the hell is wrong with the men where you come from?” He tossed out the very Wyoming compliment without looking at me.

  I gaped at his back and couldn’t hold back an actual laugh of disbelief. “Did you just compare me to a horse?”

  He shot me a smirk as he shifted the reins in his hand to the saddle horn in front of him so he could work on the ropes attached to the mules. The other animals obviously wanted to stop and it was taking everything Cy had to keep them going.

  “You wanted a cowboy, cowboys know about two things: good women and good horses. Just so happens that both have similar traits.”

  I huffed, torn between being flattered and insulted. “Well, thanks . . . I think. And there’s nothing wrong with the men where I’m from. Most of them want someone who is willing to put them first and is open to sharing their life with them. I’m not that girl. I’m too focused on my own life and my own issues to take on anyone else’s, and honestly, I’m not very nice most of the time.”

  He let out a low whistle. “Control freak.”

  I snorted at him and muttered, “Takes one to know one.”

  “So, what’s the deal with the guy who turned out not to be so serious?” He had been so open and transparent with me when talking about his marriage, I figured I owed him the same.

  “He tricked me by being so agreeable and unassuming. He was attractive, but not head turning. Warm rather than hot. He was smart and witty, but not obnoxious about it. I thought he was perfect, and for once there was someone in my life I enjoyed spending time with for more than a few hours besides Em. He never cared that I didn’t want him to stay over. Never got upset when I canceled plans because of work. He never made any kind of demands on me. He never questioned me. He never bothered me. He never challenged me or tested me. He fit himself seamlessly into my life and because of that, I was sure we were meant to be. I thought he got me.” No one knew that I was perpetually on the defense against everyone because I had an uncontrollable fear of being left, thanks to my crappy mother. I never let anyone get close because I didn’t trust them to stay if they had the choice to be with me or to leave.

  “I ignored the fact that it shouldn’t be that easy. I totally blew off Em when she pointed out it was weird that Chris always came to my house and never invited me over to his. He met her but never offered to introduce me to his friends, and he never cared that we always stayed in, never really going out anywhere in public together. I figured he was going out of his way to make it work the way I wanted it to because he was so into me. Turned out, I was custom made to be the perfect side piece. He had a wife and kids at home in the burbs.”

  Cy’s dark head whipped around and I was taken aback by the angry snarl on his face. He was livid, not at me, but for me. It made me shiver and like him even more than I was already starting to. “How did you find out he was married?”

  I made a strangled noise that was almost a laugh. At some point during this trip, I’d managed to find more than heartbreak and disappointment in the situation. It was all so outlandish and ridiculous I couldn’t help but find the humor in parts of the pain. “His wife hired the firm I work at for a consultation to do some market research on a new vegan makeup line her company is getting ready to launch. When I went to her office for the first meeting, there were pictures of her and Chris and their kids all over her desk. It was a major contract that stood to make my company a lot of money. I couldn’t say anything to her because I was afraid she would drop the contract and fire my firm. I would have lost my job and there’s no way I would be able to find another one without solid references. It was a nightmare, but I got through the meeting and called Chris on his bullshit the second I got the chance.”

  I snorted at the memory of his blasé reaction. “He was surprised I cared that he was married. He told me that he figured I knew after the first few months because I was always so eager and agreeable when he had to go. He figured I knew he had a wife at home and that I was making his life easier by not being clingy or needy. I thought he was being considerate of my feelings, but what he was actually doing was taking advantage of all the things that are inherently wrong with me.”

  I pointed at myself and made a face. “I was so excited to have someone who seemed to really understand me. I was blinded by his acceptance of what I wanted out of a relationship. I never checked his Facebook or Googled him. I never checked into his work or his background. When I did, it was obvious he was married, and when we started the work for his wife, it was clear I was far from his first affair. She still has no idea, but Chris has fucked his way through half the women on her staff.” I sighed. “I like my job. I’m good at it and I don’t want to start over somewhere else.” Not only that, but the idea of getting fired for a lapse of judgment in my personal life made me want to throw up.

  “Sounds to me like the guy gets off on manipulating strong women. His wife owns a company that can afford you, you’ve got your own shit going on and aren’t interested in anyone messing that up, so this guy finds women who are doing just fine without him and makes it his mission to fuck with them. That’s what he gets off on, that’s what gets him hard. I bet he has a small dick.” Cy’s voice had a furious shake making it sound like an earthquake ready to take everything down around him. I was seriously getting turned on by the fact that he was so annoyed on my behalf.

  Finally, a real laugh, light and free, made its way out
of where it had been trapped inside me. Cy made it sound like I really had been a target rather than a desperate and foolish woman. And I had to admit, I liked the reasons he laid out for Chris going after me in the first place. I really hoped he saw me as a woman who had her act together, rather than the one who was scrambling to find her footing.

  I leered at him and lifted my eyebrows up as I looked pointedly at his belt buckle. “It wasn’t anything to write home about. I’ve seen bigger and better.” His deserved more than a letter home, it deserved a whole novel of descriptive words and flowery admiration. I would even go so far as to say it deserved a medal and an award of honor.

  He lifted his eyebrows in return and a cocky grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. I felt a flush work into my cheeks as we both were clearly recalling exactly how much bigger and better he was.

  Pulling myself back to reality, I sheepishly admitted, “The worst part was how awful I was to everyone after it all happened. I blew Emrys off. I let my grandmother, who raised me, move across the country without a proper goodbye. I let my coworkers handle the brunt of the work for the cosmetic contract, even though I was the one in charge of the research. I had a hard time looking Chris’s wife in the eye knowing what he was doing behind her back. I wanted to tell her, but I wanted to keep my job more and that makes me a shitty person and a horrible woman. We’re supposed to look out for one another because the man never will.”