Retreat

by Jay Crownover

  I made him chuckle. “When is your contract with the wife’s company up? Can’t you break the news to her then?”

  I groaned and let out a frustrated harrumph. “The contract will be up in three more months. I could tell her then but I’m still afraid of it getting back to my boss and what that would mean for me long term.”

  “That’s a tough spot to be in.” There was such sympathy in his voice showing yet another way all his hardness was tempered by hidden bits of something more. I wanted to press my body into the parts of him that were firm and stiff, while burying my fingers into all the things that were pliable and velvety. He was a giant sensory overload and I wanted to let every single one of my senses gorge on him. I wanted to run my tongue across the rough and smooth parts of his skin, while inhaling the fresh and sharp scent that was all his. Man and wilderness, with a hint of wild and west thrown in to make it all the more masculine and authentic. I was dying to hear him say my name, low and deep. The sound rumbling across naked skin and echoing forever into the vast solitude surrounding us.

  “Well, this entire trip has been about forcing myself to take risks and do things I wouldn’t normally do. Maybe when I get back, some of this newfound bravery will hitch a ride back to the Bay Area with me.”

  I waited for him to respond with something snarky, or maybe something sweet since he was showing me that side of himself when I least expected it, but the mules chose that moment to come to a complete stop, which yanked Cy’s horse to a grinding halt. The swiftness of the stop sent Boss skirting nervously to the side, and had the domino effect of making the entire line behind us stutter and skip to an awkward pause.

  “What’s the holdup?” Lane’s voice carried up the line, and before Cy or I could answer him, the sound of something motorized and very out of place in the quiet came from up head at the bend in the trail.

  The mules brayed nervously as the unmistakable whir of an engine roared from somewhere up ahead. Cy’s horse jerked its head as he fought the big animal to purposely move him in front of me instead of off to the side of the trail into the trees, where he obviously wanted to retreat.

  “Sounds like a dirt bike,” Cy hollered the response back to Lane, sounding calm but I could see the way his spine went arrow straight and the way his broad shoulders stiffened and squared like he was preparing himself for a battle.

  “All the way out here?” The question came from one of the two suspicious men and I winced when I saw the look Cy shot over his shoulder at his brother. This wasn’t something they were expecting or typically encountered and he didn’t like it. Neither did the horses. They were all making noises and I could hear their hooves shifting and pawing at the ground.

  Boss pranced wildly to the side as the noise grew louder and louder. Cy ordered us all to move to the side of the trail in as much of a line as we could make with the anxious animals fighting us. He said that he figured whoever was on the motorcycles would see us and hopefully, ride right on by our nervous line or stop when they saw the commotion they were causing. He was hoping they would agree to turn the bikes off so the horses weren’t spooked any further. He mumbled so low that only I could hear that if the riders were from around these parts they would know trail code and abide so that the animals were safe.

  That obviously wasn’t the case. The camouflage painted machines roared and raced their way through the trees and down the narrow path like they owned the mountains. They careened way too close to the scared animals, like they were trying to purposely drive them into a panic. They succeeded because debris flew everywhere, and I knew if it was pinging against my skin and stinging, then it had to be hitting the unprotected horses. The men on the dirt bikes were garbed in camo and had their heads covered in menacing black helmets that didn’t show any part of their faces. The engines revved and the wheels bit into the ground as they thundered by, kicking up earth and chaos, as they raced past with little concern for the horses or for those of us trapped on top of the skittish animals. Their intrusion was going to end badly. We could see it coming from a mile away.

  I heard Cy swear and Lane yell something at the men as they sped by, but then everything was lost in a whoosh and a blur as Boss suddenly bolted. I could feel the big animal’s fear as his body leapt through the air, desperately seeking an escape from the motorized growl that had disrupted our quiet afternoon. I called the horse’s name and struggled with reins as I dug the heels of my boots into his sides. He was in such a panic and so terrified that he ripped through the woods, not caring that branches and tree limbs ripped at both of us. His sides were heaving and I could hear him breathing like he was running the Kentucky Derby, with me clinging helplessly to his back. I was wide awake yet caught in a nightmare from my past.

  I contemplated jumping out of the saddle, but there wasn’t a spot clear enough of timber and rocks to make a safe landing. I would end up with a broken neck if I risked it, so my only option was to hold on for dear life and pray that Boss tired out before I lost my grip.

  All I could think as we careened wild and out of control, was that I had royally failed at showing the horse and the man who put me on him who was boss and that I really didn’t want to die trying to experience life flavored with a little bit of risk and chance. I didn’t want getting back on the horse to be the choice that ended it all.

  No Bed of Roses

  I had no idea how long the horse plowed through the unforgiving forest, but it felt like an endless loop of time where I struggled with no success to get control back. Terror clawed up my throat and fear raked its sharp edges down my spine. I screamed so long and loud that my voice cracked and I was pretty sure at some point I closed my eyes and prayed. My stomach hurt from all the knots it was tied in. The only thing that kept me holding on was the fact that Boss didn’t seem interested in throwing me off of his back. He was, however, determined to get as far away from what had spooked him as quickly as possible. Just like Cy had told me when I first climbed on. Boss was dodging and weaving his way through trees and leaping over rocks and brush at a dazzling pace.

  He was hell bound for safety and he was taking me with him, whether I wanted to go or not. All I could do was hold on for dear life and ineffectively swat at the branches and pine needles that were ripping at my skin. At one point, a stick smacked me sharply across the cheek and I let out a little scream because the skin split under the assault and I could feel blood trickling down my face and dripping off of my chin. I was too scared to let go of the wild animal to swipe at the crimson proof of my predicament, so all I could do was swear in frustration.

  Suddenly, as if my unspoken pleas were heard and some divine force decided it wasn’t quite time for me to be done learning all kinds of lessons about life and love, Boss broke out of the tree line and stampeded his way into a clearing that seemed completely out of place in the lush and dense woods. The wide-open space looked like the kind of tilled field that was found on a farm. As alien as it was in this forested terrain, it was a Godsend because the soft soil under the horse’s hooves startled him enough that his furious bolt slowed enough and I could safely throw myself off of his back to the ground. I hit with a jarring thud, and of course found a rock to land on. The wind was sucked forcibly out of my lungs and the sky blurred into an abstract blue swirl as tears of pain flooded my eyes.

  I wheezed and groaned my way to my knees, head bent down as I tried to catch my breath, as my wrist screamed in pain as it let me know it had taken the brunt of the rock’s damage. I was sure with Boss now free of his burden he would continue on his rampage through the woods, but a velvety nose pushed against the top of my head making my hair move as he huffed out a breath. I think he was making sure I was all right as I struggled to get my feet back under me and my fright under control.

  I lifted the back of my hand to my cheek and ineffectively rubbed at the blood that was trickling there. I reached up and patted the muzzle that was persistently pushing me and tried to mutter reassuringly that I was okay to the horse. I wante
d him to know everything was fine. I wanted to tell him that I knew all about acting instinctively and foolishly when something scared you. I didn’t blame him for doing exactly what I did in the same situations. I even dragged people along for the ride with me as I raced away from whatever it was that spooked me, leaving them to suffer the damage.

  “It’s okay.” I said it over and over again as I worked my way to my feet. My shoulder wasn’t the only part of my body protesting the move as one side of my hip throbbed and my head started to pound in a rapid beat. I ran my hand down Boss’s neck and gave him a quick once over to make sure he hadn’t hurt himself ripping through the flora and fauna like a bat out of hell. I cooed over his scraped fetlock and worried over an ugly looking gash that was slashed across his cannon. Last time a horse had injured me I’d refused to so much as look at another one for years and years. This time, I was more worried about the damage the animal had done to himself than I was the bumps and bruises I knew I would bounce back from.

  “Poor baby. Those guys really worked you up, didn’t they?” Boss titled his head in my direction and I rubbed my uninjured cheek against his. “They were jerks and they sure as hell didn’t belong out here.”

  He huffed out of his nose and then nickered loudly and tossed his head in warning. I stiffened next to him as I heard the sound of branches breaking and the pounding of heavy hooves as another horse and rider broke into the unexpected clearing. I knew I shouldn’t be surprised that Cy came after me, but I was. I was also touched and slightly overwhelmed by the look of concern on his face. I knew he had to be worried about his horse and how my wild ride would affect his business, but I also knew, without a doubt, that some of his anxiety and fret was for me, as well.

  He swung out of his saddle before his horse came to a full stop. His arms were around me and pulling me to his chest before I could get out any words to tell him that both Boss and I were banged up, but fine. His hands were tangled in my hair before I could get my breath back from the force of being yanked around by hard hands and his voracious mouth was all over mine before I could register that his heart was racing and that there seemed to be a fine tremor working its way through his entire body. The hands in my hair were desperate and shaking. The lips against mine were demanding and brutal.

  He kissed me to reassure himself I was in one piece and unharmed.

  He kissed me because he was worried about me.

  He kissed me because that was the easiest way for a man like him to communicate his way through all the complicated emotions and feelings that surged and pulsed between the two of us.

  He kissed me because I let him and wouldn’t let him stop, even when he tried to pull away.

  I wrapped my good arm around his neck, lifted myself up on the tips of my now worn-in boots, and sealed my lips to his as I inhaled the affirmation that I was okay and had a whole lot left to experience before my time on this planet was done.

  I twisted my tongue with his and let my teeth graze across that damp curve of his lower lip. I could taste the tang of his fear there and it was sweet because it was fear for me. He breathed life and passion into me as I absorbed it all and tried to give back reassurance and comfort. I never wanted anyone to leave me but I’d never really let anyone show up for me when I needed them either. I was always pushing away but as his mouth punished and praised mine, there was no way I wasn’t pulling Cy closer. I sighed against his lowly muttered “thank fuck” as he pulled away and rested his forehead against mine.

  One of his hands escaped the disorderly mess my hair was in and slowly skimmed over my torn cheek and across my jaw. His touch was feather light and barely there, but I felt it like a ton of bricks. When all his hardness faded to soft, it was enough to make me explode. His gentleness was a spark that made the things that were hot and heavy smolder deep inside of me. His hand curled around the side of my neck and his thumb swept back and forth over my pulse, like he was counting the times my heart beat and making sure it was enough.

  “Scared the shit out of me when Boss broke free. That nervous bastard has you about five miles away from where you’re supposed to be. He looks like a badass but inside he’s a big ol’ baby. I thought I was going to find you wrapped around a tree or on the ground with your head split open. I should’ve known you could take care of yourself.” His words whispered across my lips and the vibration of them made me slip my tongue out so I could try and catch the sweetness of them before they faded away.

  “I didn’t do anything other than hold on.” My voice was as shaky as his hands were, but I sounded turned on, not afraid, and that fact had me feeling oddly proud of myself.

  Cy pulled back and the hand at my throat slid down the center of my chest. The buttons on my shirt popped and snapped out of his way as his palm settled over where my heart was racing and silently pleading for more of his touch. His hands weren’t soft or smooth. The fact that he worked with them for a living was evident against my skin, but the roughness made my breath catch and my knees quiver. The look in his eyes as he watched me while he tried to touch my heart through the delicate cage it was trapped in had my nipples pulling into hard peaks and desire tugging at that now damp and achy place between my legs. All the man had to do was look at me with those cloud colored eyes and I ended up wet with want and weak-kneed with neediness.

  “Sometimes that’s all you have to do to make the best out of a bad situation. You hold on when letting go is so much easier.” His words rumbled out of his chest and I felt them work their way through me.

  I wanted to hold on—to him and to this woman I was while I was out here with him—but now wasn’t the time or the place. In fact, I was still confused about where exactly we were in the seemingly endless woods.

  “Why is this clearing here? I saw it from the top of the rocks when we were climbing the other day and I thought it was weird, and now that I’m in the middle of it, I know it’s extra weird. It doesn’t belong here.”

  Cy moved away from me and bent down to look at the wound on Boss’s front and hind legs. He ran soothing hands along the animal’s sides, his gentle handling of the animal made my heart squeeze. I liked him when he was gruff and unapproachable. I more than liked him when he was kind and thoughtful.

  “If I was a betting man, I would put good money on this field and the guys on the motorcycles being connected.” He straightened back up and put his hands on his hips. “I would also bet that they were the ones behind the gunshot the other night. This part of the trail is pretty remote as we go up into the high country. Only our tour and hunters ever really come up this way. I think we’re standing in someone’s grow spot.” He sounded grim and the expression on his face matched his tone.

  “Grow spot?” We were in Wyoming, not Columbia or Mexico. “You mean a drug field?”

  He nodded and collected Boss’s reins in one hand and his horse’s in another. “Pot is big business a state over and a couple to the west of us. Marijuana growers have made their way into the mountains to grow product so they can ship it to the states where it’s been legalized. I haven’t seen it here, but some ranchers I do business with out of Montana had several acres of weed growing on their property without them knowing about it. They were clueless until the DEA came knocking on their door with warrants. It looks like it’s a problem that found its way here, and we are unfortunately right in the thick of the operation.”

  “Why would they grow the pot here if it’s legal to grow in other places?” I was still confused about what was going on and what it meant for us, since we were still out in the middle of nowhere with several days to go until we got back to civilization.

  “When the government gets involved that means fees and regulations. Typically, people who deal in narcotics don’t like to be told what to do and they don’t like to give Uncle Sam a cut of their profits. They grow the drugs in places that are hard to get to, heavily forested, and rarely visited by other people. They can sell the drugs for top dollar to the dispensaries and not worry about paying
taxes and being regulated. This isn’t good. We are way too close to comfort to this operation and they are letting us know it. We need to get back and get everyone on a different trail. I’m going to move us all down so that we’re following the river. It’s more populated, so whoever has this operation out here is more likely to avoid areas with more people. I also need to see if I can catch Sutton before he heads out this way. I need let him know to alert the authorities. I don’t want him riding up here on his own with all this stuff happening.” His gaze drifted over me and his mouth dipped into a frown. “Are you feeling up to riding out of here? I can’t put you back on Boss until we get some salve on those cuts and get him bandaged up, but we can both hop up on Edgar.”

  I lifted my arm and sucked in a pained gasp as my wrist protested, sending blinding pain shooting up to my elbow and beyond. Focusing on something else so I didn’t throw up from the pain, I wheezed, “You named your horse Edgar?”

  He grimaced. “He was a wedding present from my dad when I moved back home. He was supposed to go to Selah. She loved Edgar Allen Poe.”

  I walked over to him and put a hand on his arm. The muscle tensed under my fingers and his eyes shifted from stormy to graphite. “And you were supposed to love each other with a love that was more than love.” The line was from Annabel Lee, which was my favorite Poe poem. Somehow, even though it had only been days and minutes, time I spent with Cy felt more important than any that came before it.

  “Didn’t quite work out that way.” The words were gruff and so was the man who muttered them low and deep. I could feel his regret and his remorse. It made me understand the difference between losing someone you really loved and losing someone you merely thought you loved. My heart hurt but it was already starting to bounce back from Chris’s mishandling of it. When Cy spoke about his past and what he had left there, it was evident his ex-wife had taken a big chunk of his heart with her when she left.