Retreat

by Jay Crownover

  I squeezed the arm I was holding onto and asked, “Does it ever?” I mean, my grandparents had that kind of love but that was the only example I could think of.

  We stared at each other for a long, silent moment, his eyes searching mine with unreadable intensity. Eventually, he reached out the hand with the leather reins wrapped around it and brushed the back of his knuckles across my cheek. They came away stained rusty red and I remembered I was still bleeding and banged up. Now wasn’t the time to allow myself to turn all mushy and sentimental about things that were never meant to be. It also made no sense to let myself fall for a man who wasn’t for me . . . but my heart was ignoring my head in a major way.

  He tilted his head toward the saddle and told me to hop up. “Sometimes we get more than we asked for because we’ve settled for less for so long. When you pay your dues, you’re bound to be rewarded, eventually.”

  With my wrist burning and my head back to pounding, I needed his help to get up onto his horse. His help involved a hand across my ass and a push, but it got the job done and it took my mind off the fact that I was back on a horse so soon after my terrifying ride through the woods. Balking and refusing to ride again didn’t even cross my mind, which was a revelation. It made me feel brave and proud of myself. My mission to locate that self-confidence and sense of who I was felt like it was well on its way to being complete.

  Cy maneuvered Boss closer so that he could heft himself up behind me in the saddle. No matter how far forward I scooted on the saddle, his bulk and his heat took up all the available space, so I didn’t argue when he wrapped a heavy arm around my waist and tugged me to rest against his chest. It felt like a hug that was more than a hug and I liked that even his comfort was a mix of all his hardness and his softness. The man was an intoxicating mix of both and I was getting hooked on him at an alarming speed.

  We rode quietly for a few minutes, the pace slow but steady to allow for Boss’s injured legs. I could see the broken branches and turned over earth where we had barreled our way through the forest. It was a clear as day trail that any shady character growing drugs in a remote location could follow right back to the rest of the group. I was nervous about stumbling onto something we obviously weren’t supposed to find, but I knew that Cy would do whatever it took to keep me and the rest of the riders safe. He wasn’t a cowboy, but he was a good man, a man who took responsibility for those in his care seriously. He was a man who would stand between any kind of threat and those who needed his protection.

  “How do you know your dues have been paid?” I asked the question so quietly that I wasn’t sure he heard me.

  His arm tightened around my middle as I laced my fingers through his where he held me, keeping my other wrist held tightly to my chest to protect it from the jarring steps the horse took.

  “You just know. Suddenly, there’s something or someone in front of you that you know you’ve earned.”

  “What if they’re only in front of you for a split second? Is it really a reward if you don’t have the time to fully appreciate it?” I rubbed my thumb over his wrist and felt his pulse kick under the caress.

  “Of course it is, because even if you only get the pleasure of enjoying what you’ve been given for a second, or a minute, or a day, you still get to experience it. That experience will stay with you forever and that’s the reward. No one can take those memories away from you. No one can strip you of the moments you’ve had. Even if the trophy is gone, you still won it and that victory lasts forever.”

  My head hurt and so did my heart. The ache in my chest was vastly different from the one that lived there after Chris’s machinations and manipulation. This pain was dull and deep. It was one that took up all the available space and let me know when I left this place and this man, there was a good chance I was going to be leaving a part of myself behind with him.

  “Honestly, I’ve never felt like much of a prize. I mentioned that my mother was also kind of a mess but that doesn’t even really touch it. She got knocked up by accident and my grandparents had to beg her to keep me. She dumped me on them the second I took a breath. She was always around when I was growing up, but she was never in my life, which made the fact she didn’t want anything to do with me even more obvious. My grandparents worked themselves to death making sure I had a wonderful, happy, and secure childhood. They loved me harder than most of the other kids’ actual parents did. For some reason none of it ever blocked out the fact I wasn’t wanted. My mother’s rejection made me defensive and distrustful. I never let anyone get very close. Honestly, the only person who refused to respect my boundaries and KEEP OUT signs was Em.” I laughed a little. “I think she pushed so hard because I was so desperate not to be her friend. She was sick of being used by other girls because she was, and is, so pretty and well liked. Everyone wanted to bask in her glow and I was all about hiding in the shadows.”

  He rubbed his chin on the top of my head which made some of my curly hair cling to his scruff.

  “Maybe she’s just smart. Everything that is precious and valuable is usually kept behind glass. It takes someone unafraid of the shards and the edges to break through that so that they can get to the treasure inside. Your friend doesn’t seem like she’s scared of much. She has wild in her eyes and adventure in her soul. Even with all the crazy stuff happening on this ride, she’s having the time of her life. She isn’t scared of a little bit of work and I can almost guarantee she knew that the cuts and scrapes of your friendship would be worth it, if she broke through your shield to get at you.” Mr. Personality had given way to Mr. Philosopher and his words were doing things to my insides that were never going to be undone.

  “For a guy who everyone says isn’t very good with people, you have a way of handling them and understanding them that is pretty remarkable.”

  I couldn’t keep the praise out of my tone but he made me want to hit him when he replied with a dry, “Just women, remember? I know women and horses.”

  I wished I could turn around and glare at him but didn’t want to risk setting us of balance so I settled for a snappy, “Do you pretend to be such a jerk most of the time so your brothers don’t bug you about being more hands-on with the guests?”

  He made a noise low in his throat that was halfway between a laugh and a grunt. “I don’t have the time or the patience for most of the people who want to come out here and play cowboy. I’m too busy looking after my family and my land to take the time to be invested in anyone who is only going to be in my life for a few days. I’m happy to take their money and show them a good time, but I don’t care about who they are or where they’re from. Occasionally, a pretty girl from the city finds her way into my bed before she makes her way back home and we both have a pleasant memory of her visit here. Who she is doesn’t matter to me, only what she’s willing to offer.” I stiffened at that particular admission but like everything else about him, his honesty was real and unfiltered. “Who you are matters to me, Leo. I want to know why you’re the one who is on my mind all the time.” His head moved and his lips were suddenly by my ears. “You pissed me off and turned me on the second you opened your mouth. I knew in that second, that for whatever reason, you were here for me. We only get this moment, Sunshine, just one, so it needs to matter to you as much as it matters to me.”

  I turned my head the fraction of an inch I needed to put my lips on his. It was just the press of lips lightly together but it was a kiss that spoke volumes. I wanted him and I wanted as many moments as we could cram into the short amount of time we had left together.

  “It matters and you matter, Cy.” And every moment that we had, regardless of what it was made of or what was inside of it, mattered. He made me mad, he made me happy. He turned me on and he put me out with his hot and cold attitude, but with him I felt more than I ever had before because I wasn’t running from those feelings. I couldn’t control them, or my reaction to him, and that terrified and excited me equally. Inside, my head was threatening my heart with all kinds o
f ugly, painful warnings. However, my tender and newly enlightened heart decided not to listen. Lane was right, there was no place for logic in love.

  Not So Fast

  When we got back to the trail, where everyone was anxiously waiting our return, it was anything but welcoming. Emrys immediately was buzzing all around me and wasted no time in attacking my torn face with the limited supplies the brothers had packed away in a tiny first aid kit. She was apologizing profusely for making me come on this knowing how nervous I was to get back on a horse after my past experience with them. I told her, no less than a hundred times, that I was fine on both the inside and the out, but she was caught in a guilt vortex. Nothing I said to her and no amount of reassurance that I threw at her seemed to be getting through. I let her fuss over me while Cy took care of Boss and spoke to Lane in low, serious tones.

  Marcus and Meghan were making pointed complaints about the trip not being the tranquil, relaxing commune with nature they had been expecting, and Evan was glaring at me like I was personally responsible for all the things that were going wrong in her life. I even overheard her murmuring to her brother that I had purposely let my horse run out of control, so I would have an excuse to spend alone time with Cy and that he would be forced to share his saddle with me. To his credit, Ethan rolled his eyes and told her to get a life but that didn’t stop the nasty looks the girl was tossing my way or the misplaced jealousy that was radiating off of her.

  Lane told everyone the plan to ride a few miles through the woods to take us back down by the river for everyone’s safety. Without mentioning what we had stumbled on deep in the woods, he told everyone that the gunshot from a couple nights before coupled with motorbikes today, made this trail too unpredictable and the group’s safety needed to be first priority. He promised the rest of the ride would be quickly back to nature and the unspoiled majesty of the Wyoming wilderness. He sold the kids on the idea of being down by the river by dangling a trip on inner tubes through the light rapids one of the days. The adults were a harder sell.

  Marcus was making noise about a refund because of the change in plans, but I was pretty sure he was just talking to hear himself speak. Meghan had long since grown tired of his peacocking and pretension. She may have started this trip trying to hold her frayed family together but something told me once they got back to the city she would be cutting loose the dead weight. She told her husband to be quiet and assured Lane that whatever they needed to do in order to safely enjoy the rest of the trip, they would gladly do. She also thanked him for having the best interest of her kids in mind while giving her husband a look that said maybe he should try that sometime.

  Webb and Grady also grumbled about changing trails. They both seemed to be overly interested in where the men on the dirt bikes had come from and where they had gone. They asked both Cy and Lane a ton of questions that the brothers either refused to answer or couldn’t answer. Grady even suggested that someone go after the men on the bikes to hold them accountable for spooking the horses and putting me in danger. He even looked at me for support when he spouted off the crazy idea.

  Cy laid down a ‘no’ that left zero room for argument. I could tell he was worried and impatient at having to deal with everyone else’s concerns. He missed Sutton when he called to the ranch on the satellite phone. Brynn told them that the middle Warner brother was already on his way to us without any kind of warning about the danger he could be facing. Both Cy and Lane were even more on edge after Brynn relayed that information and it was clear they wanted us to get packed up and relocated to a new spot as quickly as possible. The only good news was that Brynn agreed to call the local rangers and let them know what was going on. Cy gave her our rough coordinates and told her that she needed to warn whoever came to investigate that the people who had disrupted our trip were armed, assuming the guys on the bikes were the same ones shooting in the middle of the night, and they should be considered dangerous. Even over the crackling and static-filled line, the concern in Brynn’s voice was evident as she told Cy to take care of himself and Lane.

  When it was time to saddle up and make our way down to the river, Evan graciously offered her horse with fake, wide-eyed innocence. Boss was still moving much slower than he had been and favoring his back leg. I took her up on the offer even though I knew she was going to try and put herself on Cy’s horse when I displaced her. Luckily, before the teen could make a scene or put him in the position of having an awkward conversation with her about why that was totally inappropriate, her mother ordered the girl to share her brother’s mount. It was obvious neither sibling was thrilled with the prospect, but I wanted to give Meghan a high five for finally doing her job. I wasn’t the only one who found a piece of myself that was lost by coming out here and doing things I normally wouldn’t do.

  For some reason, I really wanted Meghan to take her life back. I wanted it for her and her kids. I really, really wanted the oblivious and ostentatious dad to get a dose of karmic retribution. I still couldn’t figure out a way to tell Chris’s wife what he was up to without it blowing back on me, but after watching this woman suffer all week at the careless hands of a man who was supposed to love her, I was feeling more and more compelled to come clean with her. Ignorance wasn’t bliss.

  I needed help onto the horse because my wrist had swollen and turned into a scary shade of purplish black. It burned so badly that I was hardly able to breathe through it and moving my arm was practically impossible. Lane made his way over to give me a boost; however, he was rudely shoved out of the way by his big brother when Cy noticed his sibling’s hands at my waist. I needed more than a hand on my ass to get me in the saddle this time around and there was no hiding the grimace and gasp of pain that whooshed out when I leaned forward to reach for the reins.

  Cy gave me a concerned look from under his brows. “You gonna make it?”

  It took a minute for me to get my breath back so I could form words. When I did, they were weak and shaky. “I’ll make it. I don’t really have much of a choice.”

  He nodded grimly. “When Sutton finds us I’ll have him and Lane finish out the ride and I’ll take you back to the ranch so you can get that wrist looked at. It might be broken. Emrys can catch up with you after the ride. It should only be a day’s difference if we push hard.”

  I didn’t love that idea and I knew Em would hate it. She was already hovering over me like a mother hen. If she knew I was in enough pain to need a doctor, there was no way she was going to let me take off alone with Cy. I figured that was a bridge I would cross when I had to, right now I needed to concentrate on staying in the saddle and not passing out every time I got jolted and jostled in the saddle.

  “I’ll be all right.” And I would be because I finally understood that when you got kicked around, hurt, even abandoned, it was possible to bounce back from it, you just had to be willing to try. Hell, Cy was living with half a heart and he was still more of a man and a better person than most people who were whole. I would heal and I would live to fight and fuck another day. It was empowering knowledge and it finally shut the door on all the doubt and uncertainty that had been pushing its way over all the confidence and conviction inside of me.

  “That’s my girl.” He patted my thigh and gave it a squeeze.

  The ride to the river was a tooth grinding, stomach clenching, white knuckled trip. I almost threw up twice and my vision kept blurring in and out to the point that Cy took the reins from me and guided the horse I was on because I couldn’t hold on anymore and barely managed to stay in the saddle. Emrys was asking me if I was okay every five minutes and I was still getting dirty looks and annoyed scowls from Evan. It was miserable and I was a mess. My brain was shouting at me to give up, to let the pain take over and surrender to the all-encompassing feelings of uselessness and hopelessness swirling under the surface.

  By the time we got to a place that was flat and far enough away from the riverbank that we wouldn’t get flooded out if it decided to rain, I was nothing more than a
live wire of agony and torment. The slightest movement had tears pricking my eyes and my breath whooshing out in sucking gasps and groans. I couldn’t get off the horse without help, which meant I literally fell into Cy’s waiting arms. He caught me without complaint but the harsh expression on his face as he looked at me let me know my suffering was pretty evident on my face.

  “You were white as a ghost when we started out and now you’re gray with a little green thrown in to keep things interesting.” I couldn’t stay upright any longer. I collapsed into him, my forehead hitting the center of his chest as his arms wrapped around me to keep me somewhat vertical.

  “That was rough.” The words were garbled together and didn’t make much sense. I felt like I needed a hundred naps and one million Tylenol.

  “It was, but you made it.” He twisted his head and told Lane, who was also watching me like I might keel over at any minute, “I’m gonna take her back. She’s barely holding it together and her wrist might be broken.”

  Lane’s frown cut even deeper into his good looking face. “You sure that’s safe? If something happens to you on the way back she’s gonna be all on her own with a busted wing.”

  The thought of getting back on a lumbering, trotting horse made me groan out loud and I held up my good hand in protest. “I’m not getting back in a saddle. It isn’t broken. I might have a hairline fracture, at most. It’s sprained and swollen but I’ll live. The bouncing around on the back of a horse isn’t helping things at all and that’s what feels like it might kill me.” And I didn’t want to think about what would happen to me if I ended up alone in the woods.

  “The only thing we can do is rig a sling together for her if she doesn’t want to ride back to the ranch. I’ll check it out more closely once I have her away from prying eyes.” He gave me a lopsided grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I know a secret spot I can take you to that will help with the sore muscles and take some of the stiffness out of that wrist. It’s not much of a fix but it’s the best I can do in a pinch.”