Secret Way to the Heart

by Camille Regholec

  “I do not consider it in that manner.” Jeremiah frowned down at her. “My daughter is going on eight years of age, and she will need a woman’s love and guidance now more than ever. Helping you and your family is also the Christian thing to do.”

  “So my family is getting your charity?”

  “Jayne! Do not be foolish!” Taking her by the shoulders, he turned her toward the window that looked out over the fields of the homestead. “Your mother would be devastated if she lost her home and her legacy. David Moses knows no other home, and he should eventually inherit this—his grandmother’s property. He will have nothing if it is auctioned off. My suggestion will help both of our families. I want to help because I care.”

  “You c-care?” Jayne’s heart seemed to stop at Jeremiah’s last words. How she prayed he meant them! Twisting to look up into his eyes, Jayne tried to read his expression, but he lowered his eyelids as he released her and turned to pace the room again.

  “Of course I care!” he replied. “Are we not friends? Have we not worked side by side helping others? It is not charity when one wishes to keep friends from suffering loss. I could not stop your father’s passing, but God willing, I will help you and yours not to lose anything else.”

  “When would this . . . this marriage occur if I agree?” The words came out before Jayne thought on their effect on the man before her.

  “Jayne, you will not regret this, I promise.” He stood still, and for a brief moment, an emotion flared in his eyes before he looked away. His voice was calm as he continued, and Jayne silently marveled at his businesslike attitude. “I think the ceremony should be immediately. That way there will be no question of the transfer of my funds to take this property off the foreclosure rolls. Besides, the pastor would be happy to do a wedding. There have been too many funerals in this area. A happy occasion will be a welcomed change.”

  “Jeremiah, what if God has another wife for you? What if that woman is just around the corner?” Jayne asked, dreading his answer.

  “Do not fear, Jayne.” He picked his hat off the side table and turned to walk out the door. “I will not be looking for any other. Marriage is until death do we part. I will not need another. I know what true love is and do not expect to find it again.”

  His words searing her heart, Jayne watched as he left. As she suspected, Jeremiah still grieved for his late wife, and anything he might feel for her would never compare. It was sufficient to him to have her friendship. Jayne trembled as she searched her heart. Finally, she knew her decision. Her avowal of “I do” would be true. Oh Lord, I will be satisfied with the crumbs of Jeremiah’s affection.

  The wedding ceremony took place the following day. Jeremiah had privately explained the situation to the pastor, and as he had done many times since the war began, he agreed to overlook the usual counseling session and reading of the banns. Jayne wore her favorite blue dress, and Jeremiah wore his parson clothes as there was no time to sew new outfits. her mother fretted over the rush for the ceremony. “Can you not wait six weeks? How will it look to the neighbors?”

  “Mother, the neighbors will begin counting, but in a few months all will know that the only reason we married was because we wanted to, rather than we had to.”

  “Oh, Jayne, then why not wait and save yourself from the agony of gossipers?”

  “Because Jeremiah has chosen to go to war, and he wishes to marry now for all the right motives.” Jayne hoped she was correct on his reasons. She then sighed a simple, “I love him.” Those words silenced her mother.

  Shortly after, Jayne trembled at what she was agreeing to. She could scarcely hear what the pastor was saying as she tried to listen to his words. Jeremiah held tightly to her hand, and she wasn’t sure but thought she felt a tremor from his hand as he slipped a simple gold band on her ring finger. She mumbled her vows and said “I do” while the children began to shout. Through a roaring in her ears, Jayne heard the children being hushed by her mother as the pastor said, “I now pronounce you man and wife.” Jayne took a deep breath and slowly exhaled as she lifted her eyes to look into Jeremiah’s face.

  His kiss was unexpected. He leaned down, and his lips briefly brushed hers as he gazed into her eyes. Then she watched as his pupils grew larger. He suddenly took her waist and drew her to him, kissing her again, deeply, almost hungrily, as if he was seeking something. Tears came to Jayne’s eyes as he released her. Clearly, he remembered another wedding where his heart had been given. Now, Jayne silently prayed her heart would one day have the opportunity to be accepted.

  There was no pretense of a honeymoon. Jeremiah had to finish moving the rest of his and Hope’s belongings to the homestead, and Jayne was not surprised that it took him almost the complete night. He came to her room just before dawn and, without a word, took a quilt and pillow from the cabinet and stretched out on the floor in front of the fireplace.

  “Jeremiah.” Jayne’s voice was raspy with nervousness. “Why don’t you take the bed? I can sleep on the fainting couch.”

  “I will be fine where I am. Do not tempt me, Jayne.”

  “T-Tempt you?” Jayne’s heart raced. “I . . .”

  “I must get used to sleeping in uncomfortable places. The bed is too . . . tempting.” Jeremiah turned onto his side, his back to her. “Go to sleep. Please.”

  Jayne lay awake for the few hours before the rest of the house arose, silent tears drenching her pillow.

  The homestead was bought by Jeremiah the day after with the proceeds from the sale of his father’s farm and was deeded to Jayne. Jeremiah left that very afternoon for parts unknown to serve his country. As she watched him hug each of the children, Jayne’s heart felt like it was breaking. He gently kissed her mother’s wet cheek and turned toward Jayne.

  “God be with you,” she whispered as she struggled to control her tears. “Please come back to-to us.”

  “God willing,” he answered, and he once again reached down to kiss her. The featherlight touch of his lips deepened once more, and Jayne could not hold back her response. When he lifted his head, he hesitated before releasing her. She knew it was for appearance’s sake that he was doing this, but not for a moment would Jayne deny him, even if it hurt so badly. Each precious contact, as brief as it was, would be sealed in her memory forever.

  As he rode away, Jayne silently pleaded with God for Jeremiah to return, and to give her a chance to turn her husband’s heart to her.

  Dear Family,

  I know you are praying as I have felt God’s presence and protection as I tend to the wounded. I must admit, I so want to get on my horse and head south to find my Clara. That her heart has changed is the miracle I have sought in my nightly prayers. I rejoice in God’s mercy, and I pray I will be able to build a new life with her.

  I have to admit, her lack of inquiry of our son’s well-being distressed me. I have read Clara’s note over and over and cannot find any references other than her apology for all the wrong she did. Is it possible, with all that occurred that night, she truly believes our son died? Only God knows Clara’s heart, and strange as it may sound to you, I pray my theory is correct. If, no, when I find her, I will go forward in the rebuilding of our marriage with that belief unless she tells me otherwise.

  Jayne, my dear sister, I pray you will accept what I say about David Moses. I wish you to adopt him as your own. He knows no other mother, and if Clara does remember him, she clearly does not have the emotional connection that you have with the child. I know this is selfish of me. You have already given much of your time, energy, and heart to the boy’s upbringing, and this request may be or become a hindrance for any relationship you may have with a suitor. I pray your love for my, no, your son will have you accepting this request with joy. If not, I hope Mother will take on the care until Clara and I are settled and are united strongly enough to take him back. I know you will do what is
best. God’s will be done.

  All my love, Jim

  Chapter 21

  “Oh, Mother!” Jayne cried. “God has answered my prayers! Yet I feel so . . . I don’t know! I’m so confused. I am so glad for me yet, at the same time, both sad for Jim and mad at Clara!”

  “How do you think you would feel if Jim had said he was coming for David Moses?” her mother asked softly. “Would these emotions be the same yet directed differently?”

  “You are right. The sadness I would feel would have been mine only. The gladness for David Moses and Jim. But I still would have been mad at Clara.”

  “So which emotion should you not be feeling? The question is . . . shouldn’t you be feeling a sadness or gladness for Clara? She has lost more than any other.”

  “By her own choice, Mother!” Jayne protested. “Have you forgotten that?”

  “I have not. But her losses will be for a lifetime. And that is sad.”

  “You are a better person than I.” Jayne shook her head. “But listening to you, I can understand your feelings. I pray God softens my heart toward Clara like he has done to yours.”

  “Put yourself in her shoes and picture your wrong choices and the consequences that would keep you from a life with your son. Only then will your heart soften.”

  “Yes, Mother, I will try,” Jayne agreed before jumping up and shouting, “But right now, I will thank the Almighty for giving me the desires of my heart! David Moses is now really my son!”

  “And Jeremiah?” her mother asked softly. “Will he be happy for this event as well?”

  “I believe so.” Jayne felt no hesitation in this matter. “He married me knowing David Moses may be with me forever. He was ready for that possibility when he asked for my hand in marriage. Now the possibility has become a reality. He has always been fond of the boy.”

  “Then you must make it a legal binding agreement, even without your husband’s signature.”

  “I will adopt David Moses now, and Jeremiah can do so when he returns.” Jayne smiled. “Possibly I will legally adopt Hope at that time as well.”

  “Isn’t she legally yours as you are married to Jeremiah?”

  “In one sense, yes, but if something occurred to Jeremiah, God forbid, and some long-lost relative of his first wife should appear, I want no one to take her from me.”

  Jim’s letter brought much joy as the days turned into weeks since Jeremiah’s departure.

  William, after failing to convince Jayne to not take on more responsibility, drew up the adoption papers and submitted them to the courts. Though David Moses did not understand any of the legalities, he instinctively stopped calling her auntie, and Jayne had the joy of hearing the children—her children—shout, “Mommy!” or “Ma!” as they rushed to greet her with their joys or squabbles.

  She was in a strange position in life. She was now formally addressed by the businessmen as Mrs. Bronson and had the responsibility of caring for her family as well as managing the finances Jeremiah had left in her care. Yet she felt inadequate for the role she had to fill. She thanked God for her mother’s renewed interest in life and her help with Jayne’s new duties as a wife alone with two children to care for.

  She was invited to join a group of waiting wives who prayed together daily for their husbands to return. At those moments, Jayne felt like an imposter as she knelt by the other women. The weight of the wedding band Jeremiah had slipped on her finger was a constant reminder that her marriage was not a real one. She had no right to pray for him or herself as she was living a lie, but the fear of anything happening to Jeremiah kept her on her knees. Please, Lord, have mercy. Please bring him back for his daughter’s sake, and mine.

  One day, during a rare quiet moment with her mother, Jayne voiced her fears.

  “My dear child,” She sighed as she reached over to hold Jayne’s trembling fingers. “None of us is worthy to ask God for anything without Jesus. And you know He loves you, don’t you?”

  “He never said he does,” Jayne mumbled back.

  “Why, Jayne, you have the whole Bible telling you so!”

  “Oh, Mother!” Jayne’s bottom lip trembled. ”I know Jesus loves me!”

  “Well then . . .?” Her mother went still, and her eyes filled with shock as Jayne’s words sunk in. “Jayne! Are you saying you believe Jeremiah does not love you?”

  “I . . . I do not know.” Jayne already regretted saying anything as she saw her mother’s growing distress. “Everything happened so quickly.”

  “Jayne.” Her mother’s smile was shaky as she spoke. “I believe the man does love you. I know his love for his child is deep, and he would not have chosen you for her upbringing if he felt nothing for you. Or given you the homestead as a wedding present. Men do not always verbally express their feelings.”

  “I’m sure you are correct, Mother.” Jayne felt it best not to tell her mother of their pre-marital agreement, but her next words were true. “I guess I’m talking foolishness because I miss him. I just wish he was here.”

  “Without a doubt he is missing you as well,” her mother quickly assured her. “I imagine any day now you will receive a packet of letters, and the burden of your responsibilities will seem to lessen.”

  “You’re right, Mother, I realize now that what I do is a blessing, not a responsibility. It is not a hardship but rather a privilege. Not everyone gets the honor to raise a child in the way they should go, as the Bible states.” Jayne smiled into her mother’s worried face. “God entrusted David Moses, and now Hope, into my care. Maybe it was never intended for me to bear children, but God blessed me with these two because that is His plan for me. And if that is His plan, I am content. Because it truly is a blessing.”

  “You are still young enough to bear your own children, God willing,” her mother replied. “Do not fret so about things in God’s control.”

  “Isn’t that everything?” Jayne laughed as she kissed her mother’s cheek and got up to check on the children. “I just pray for God’s strength as I do His will.”

  Chapter 22

  As the weeks went by and no correspondence from Jeremiah came, Jayne’s emotions swung like a pendulum. One moment, she was angry at his nonchalance and apparent lack of interest in even his own daughter, and the next moment, she was terrified he was unable to write because he was wounded, captured, or worse.

  William tried to get back in Jayne’s good graces and once again began to wait for her after Sunday services. Most Sundays, her mother and the children were with them, and the conversations were loud and frivolous. Jayne's mother, never knowing it had been William who delivered the foreclosure papers, continued to treat William as an old friend. The children laughed as he told them silly jokes and made funny faces at them. But Jayne also noticed Davis Moses never seemed to fully accept William’s presence, his little hand reaching up to grasp hers. He would hold on until they reached home and William continued on his way to his grandmother’s.

  The few times Jayne's mother had stayed at home, William’s conversations became a little more serious, but Jayne used the children’s presence to keep things simple and impersonal. It clearly did not please William, and he would storm up the path to Mrs. Cindy’s in an angry huff. Jayne did not want to talk about her brother. She especially did not want to talk to William about her husband.

  When one day Jayne's mother hinted that it did not look right for a single man to escort Jayne—a married woman—around, Jayne thanked God for a legitimate reason to stop the weekly walks. William did not take the news graciously. He began to ride his horse up to his grandmother’s and would gallop past them on the road. The little troupe just waved the dust away and continued on their way home.

  William began to disappear for weeks on end, and Cindy took those times to invite them over to share Sunday supper. That the invites only occurred w
hen William was away was not lost on Jayne. Clearly, Cindy did not want any bad talk to spread as well. Wherever it was that her grandson went, Cindy would just shrug and shake her head as she routinely answered their inquiries. “Always busy. Always working.”

  When the war suddenly ended, there were celebrations everywhere, and smiles were on most people’s faces. The Comeback twins returned for a week of celebrating before heading out West to join their parents. Jayne tried not to show too much excitement, but her grin was so wide sometimes her cheeks hurt. This meant Jeremiah would be coming home soon! The children began to make decorations for his coming home party, and Jayne wondered if he could have changed his mind about this marriage arrangement.

  But the weeks went by, and there was no sign of Jeremiah. No one had seen him. No one had heard from him. Jayne cried herself to sleep each night, begging God to be merciful and send him home.

  The weeks dragged on, and everyone in Jayne’s house kept looking for some sign of Jeremiah’s return. Hope took to leaving her lantern on in her room “so Daddy won’t miss the house if he comes home in the dark.”

  Sundays became difficult as Jayne saw the reunited families filling their pews, and to save the children from callous questions, Jayne agreed to leave them home with her mother one Sunday when the children complained of not feeling well. She was not too sure if the illnesses were real, but her mother convinced her either way they would be fine until her return.

  “What are you rushing for?” William laughed as he grabbed her arm to keep her from walking away after the service. “You are free from the children for once, so relax and enjoy the day!”

  “I am not ‘free from the children,’ as you put it.” Jayne stared down at the hand gripping her until William reluctantly released her arm and took a step away. Jayne pulled her wrap closer as she frowned up at William. “Mother is watching them so I could go to church and pray with the other women. I would have brought them as I usually do, but David Moses was coughing and Hope said her tummy hurt.”