Out of Silence

by Ruby Monroe

  “It’s none of your damn business. I said I’m going out. That’s final. See, you always do this. You spoil everything. This is just like you. We had a great dinner, and now you’ve spoiled the mood.”

  “Why won’t you tell me? Are you seeing someone? Just tell me.” She knew questioning him was not a good idea, but right now, she didn’t care. She was more concerned about her own feelings. “I really do want to know. At the very least, I’m entitled to an explanation.” A feeling of abandonment swept over her entire body.

  Jason stood up abruptly, knocking over his chair. As it slammed to the floor, with determination he walked to the kitchen counter and chose one of the large carving knives. Knife in hand, he returned to the dining area and pointed the knife at Ruby. “I do not have to explain my comings and goings to you. You did a good job with the dinner, thanks. But you have just overstepped your bounds.”

  “What do you mean? What bounds? What are you talking about? More importantly, what are you going to do with that knife?” Ruby was very worried now. Quickly she got to her feet. She was conscious of putting a barrier, the table, between them.

  He glared at her with a look of distaste, like he was being forced to eat something he didn’t like. “I would really like to put you out of your misery, once and for all. You are just so stupid. Just ask me one more question, and it will be your last. I promise. Stupid bitch,” he screamed while waving around the knife.

  “Jason, put down that knife, please,” she pleaded. “I won’t ask any more questions. Just go and do whatever it is you need to do.”

  “It’s too late for that now. You just won’t shut up, will you? You go on and on pushing and pushing,” he yelled, his anger reaching a fever pitch. His face now turned crimson with his raised blood pressure. He jabbed the knife in the air, pretending to swipe at her.

  Is this how he kills me? I’m so afraid, more than ever before. I’m in fear for my life.

  He quickly moved to his left. Ruby darted to move quickly to her left. He shuffled again to his right. Ruby countered his move by putting more distance between them. It was like a dance of warriors, he with a clashing sabre. The problem was, Ruby didn’t have a sabre.

  She was unsure of how long she could successfully fend him off. This was her worst nightmare. He was really frightening her right now.

  Jason appeared to be ready for a fight. His anger had escalated in a split second, and he was out of control. Once and for all, he would show her that it was not her place to question his whereabouts. The blade of the knife flashed as it caught the light of the candles. Each time he waved or thrust it in her direction, he came closer and closer. Several times, he feigned jabbing her with the sharp blade. He appeared more dangerous than she had ever experienced in the past.

  Ruby sobbed. Tears were now streaming down her face. He had threatened her with a knife previously. That time, she only suffered minor cuts. I must calm him down. How? What will work this time?

  “Jason, can you please just stop this jostling? I promise to not question you again. Please put that knife down. I admit, I’m quite terrified. No one is going to feel good about this tomorrow morning, especially if one of us gets hurt.” I’m pretty sure that someone will be me. It is always me.

  He had plans, so he needed to stop this little battle. But she knew from past incidents that he would only stop if he was the victor. He wanted her to beg and plead. This gave him the power that he craved and was essential for him.

  “Please, Jason. Put the knife down. You go. Do what you need to do. I will clean up the table and the kitchen. Please, just go.”

  For a few seconds, Ruby let her guard down, and he reached across the table and jabbed at her with the kitchen knife. He finally made contact. They both watched as the point of the knife drew blood on her forearm.

  Ruby screamed, “Stop. Jason, stop. I’m bleeding.” The blood dropped onto the white tablecloth. “I need to get cleaned up. Please, just go.”

  Jason took this as a win. He put the knife down and said, “We’ll deal with this later. I have someplace to be.” With that, he walked to the door, picked up his coat and keys and slammed the door shut behind him, shaking the whole house.

  Relieved, Ruby sat down and cried. She carefully wrapped a soiled napkin around her arm, tying it off like a tourniquet. The bleeding stopped in a few minutes. She regained her composure and then washed and bandaged her arm correctly, hoping to stop the bleeding and that the slash would not leave a scar. She knew she wasn’t being realistic about that.

  Mumbling away to herself, she cleared the dishes from the table, set the upended chair erect and washed the last bits of food from the dirty pots, pans and dishes. After putting food into containers and into the refrigerator, Ruby loaded the dishes into the dishwasher.

  So much for the sexy “Happy anniversary, dear!” she mimicked on her way to the bedroom. She picked up the pink satin and lace negligée that had been carefully and strategically placed on the bed. With disgust, Ruby tossed the garment to the floor. She didn’t need or want a reminder of her failed plan for their sexy evening. Totally exhausted both physically and emotionally, Ruby quickly fell into a deep sleep.

  She woke up with a start at the sound of a noise coming from somewhere in the house. Looking over at his empty side, she realized he had not come to bed. Checking the alarm clock, she saw that it was now well after midnight. Where did he go? Why isn’t he home yet?

  Ruby was laying there reviewing the events of the evening in her head when she heard Jason stumble into the bedroom, bumping into the foot of the bed. She glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Where has he been until two in the morning?

  She thought, He didn’t demand sex. This is good. But why? She sniffed the air and closed her eyes. I don’t really need to ask that question. I hate the smell of that sickly pungent scent of sex from someone else. She got a whiff of stale perfume. Definitely not a fragrance I would use. Now I’m sure that he has been with another woman. Again!

  Chapter 14

  Married Fourteen Years Now

  One time, their fourteen-year-old son, Matt, watched and cried, “Dad, let Mommy go. Dad, please don’t hurt Mommy.”

  Jason spat, “Go to bed. Get out of here. Go to your room and close the door.” When he tired of abusing her, he left her bruised body on the floor like a pile of crumpled clothing.

  During this period, Ruby often cried until her tear ducts ran dry. She sank deeper and deeper into depression. She became an introvert with strong feelings of inferiority. At the same time, she wondered if she could get away with killing him. She was desperate, but not that desperate, yet … so she quickly kicked that thought out of her head. That was not a viable solution. No one would ever have described Ruby as a violent person. She made up her mind that she would not sink to his level.

  She was so unhappy, and Jason refused to talk to her or explain. Why did he act like such a horrible monster?

  Eventually, he’d calm down and say, “Sorry, Ruby. I won’t do that again, because I really do love you.” Then he’d add, “You make me do things to you that I regret. I never want to hurt you. It’s just that you make me so mad at you, ’cause you say such stupid mean things.”

  Jason would hold her and gently kiss her face, neck and breasts. He would apologize again, and then he’d ask her to try harder to please him. These makeup sessions normally ended in sexual intercourse. He called it making love. She didn’t agree, but she knew better than to openly disagree with him. She feared this would send him into another round of more severe abusive behaviour.

  She convinced herself that if she really worked at pleasing him and kept her opinions to herself, he would stop the abuse. She promised herself that she could do this. She knew she could. She had to try.

  Ruby had determined that special days and holidays seemed to set him off. Most long weekends were occasions for an episode of abuse. Why?


  The bruises on her body were never visible to their families or her coworkers. If they were aware of her changing character or her physical bruises and the psychological abuse she endured, they never mentioned it to her. Thank goodness, as she wouldn’t know how to explain it and keep her self-respect. Of course, she would never broach the subject, as it was far too embarrassing and humiliating—and, most important, she was ashamed that she’d let a man treat her like a punching bag. She would tell anyone who questioned her, “If you haven’t walked a mile in an abused person’s shoes, don’t judge.” How could anyone possibly understand an abused person’s pitiful life?

  Ruby had read an article recently that made her wonder if she might have something like Stockholm syndrome. There was no doubt in her mind that she was Jason’s prisoner and personal punching bag. At this time, it never occurred to her that it was his problem, not hers. The only way she could continue to be with family and friends and go to work was to compartmentalize her moods and demeanour. It became easier as time moved on.

  Ruby had once been a smart, happy, outgoing young woman, but her self-esteem had been systematically destroyed. She found it harder and harder to act like her old self. She scarcely ever laughed anymore. She couldn’t find humour in any situation.

  She knew something had to be done to change the direction in which her life was heading. But how can that happen when you’re not allowed to speak to anyone—family, doctor, or friends—about what goes on behind closed doors? How do you find help? When your life and your children’s lives are threatened, how do you get away from him?

  Ruby kept her head down at home. She had learned which behaviours of hers didn’t upset Jason. She performed the duties of her job, and with several upgrades and promotions, earned excellent money. This lifted her morale and demeanour. Now she wanted a better life.

  As human resources manager, she counselled a few women who were abused by their partner and wanted to get help or divorced. Ruby searched for resources for battered and abused women. She learned that these places were in short supply—plus the outcome for the women who used them were not always positive.

  During her research, Ruby learned that unfortunately, calling the police for the most part didn’t have the desired outcome. Most abused women were afraid to make formal complaints due to the bullying guarantees that their partner, husband, or boyfriend made if law enforcement was contacted. The male abuser was calm until the officers left, and then the abuse continued. In another scenario, the abuser might be removed from the home, but after a night in jail, he went home angrier than ever—angry enough to kill.

  Chapter 15

  1971: Married for Fifteen Years

  Ruby was driving to work after the particularly nasty smack-down drag-out fight with Jason that followed the party at Lloyd and Susan’s house. Jason drove the wrong direction toward oncoming traffic on the way home, nearly causing a serious accident, and he had followed that up with rape. The next morning, he had approached Ruby, grabbed her arm and repeated his angry comment from the night before: “You know, you really are a cold fish, Ruby. I do wonder why I waste my time on you.”

  She couldn’t get over the feeling of being discarded like a useless piece of clothing after he raped her again last night. She felt worthless and abused.

  Ruby yearned to be free of the monster she’d married. How could I have ever thought that I loved him? I hate him so much. If only he would just go away. Will I ever be free of his abuse? Why does he always make me the guilty one?

  She’d cried herself to sleep, wishing she was dead. She knew she never wanted to feel like that again. That morning, Ruby couldn’t get out of the house fast enough. She had to get to work and didn’t want another physical encounter with Jason.

  She was sure that she was going to have a mental breakdown soon. How much longer could she pretend all was well? That was what she was doing: pretending. Ruby was now convinced that it was time to consult a lawyer. She needed legal advice. She and her husband shared investments, property and children. She didn’t think for a minute that their two sons would ever entertain the thought of living with their father; in addition to abusing her, he had at times over-disciplined or abused them. In fact, their sons had already moved out. They couldn’t take it anymore. It was important now that she understand her rights.

  Ruby made two promises to herself. First, she would not spend the rest of her life with that animal she married. Second, she had worked hard to achieve her managerial position, and she would not let that be taken away from her. But how do you get free from someone who has threatened your life and your children’s lives several times? Jason had frequently threatened that if she ever attempted to leave him, he would kill them all.

  Yes, advice from a lawyer is definitely what I need, and soon.

  About ten minutes into her drive, she could no longer hold back the flood of tears. She cried so hard that her body convulsed with shuddering sobs. It wasn’t a long journey to the next town where she had worked as human resources manager for the past two years, but today the trip seemed to take an eternity.

  Normally she enjoyed the pleasant relaxing scenery of large farms and fields that produced vegetables and feed for the farm animals. She loved the old interesting farmhouses, some in better repair than others. Usually, she played a game with herself, trying to guess what the people who lived in these houses looked like and especially how they had or had not decorated their historical homes.

  Today she saw very little of the scenery through her tears. Stop! Get a hold of yourself, she scolded. The screaming and arguing that morning had taken up most of her energy and time. Eating breakfast and performing her regular morning chores had been difficult. She’d had no time to spare after what seemed like a never-ending fight with Jason followed by his abusive behaviour.

  She wondered why he picked the busiest time of her day to find fault and demand that she do things for him. Whenever he didn’t get his way or she didn’t respond quickly enough, he started shoving and pushing her around. This made her preparation for work rushed and very unpleasant. She found it difficult to mentally focus on work or home when she was in this state of mind. From articles she had read, she thought their little family might be a textbook definition of dysfunctional.

  She knew she couldn’t sport red-rimmed eyes from crying when she arrived at the office. She was a manager, and managers don’t cry. She finally got control of her feelings, and this stopped the tears. Ruby turned her focus back to her work.

  Through long practice, she knew how to compartmentalize her life. It was important to put times like this morning away. She must not think about the past three hours while at work. She mentally prepared herself for the duties and scheduled meetings today at the office.

  Ruby pulled into her designated parking space. She looked in the rear-view mirror to reassure herself before she exited her car. It was necessary to make sure that she had put on her business face and happy demeanour. While at the office she was an actress—and a good one at that—no matter what had happened to her since she left the office the day before. She buried all that or checked it at the company front door. With her business face and easygoing, caring personality, she was ready for another day at the office.

  Ruby had quit high school at 16, so she lacked the formal education usually required for a management position. She had studied and worked hard to acquire her professional credentials. She had earned this job. The climb up the corporate ladder had not been easy. For some reason, men preferred to hire men. She had read and observed that this was more about the jock talk in interviews with men than their qualifications, especially when men were interviewed by men.

  During her more junior years, she had overheard her own supervisor’s conversations during his male interviews. That was exactly how the interviews began—with last weekend’s football game or whichever sport they found common ground over. She observed that even though few men had d
eveloped the soft skills required to deal with personnel issues, some were very successful in this area. But there were far more successful females in the various human resources positions that involved direct contact with employees.

  Ruby knew she had to constantly remind herself that when she finally left Jason, she would need her managerial position and her respectable salary more than ever. She had to continue to enhance her skills with courses and conferences. She wanted to be competent in her chosen field. This is what kept her motivated.

  Chapter 16

  1972: Married Sixteen Years

  Work at her current employer—an envelope manufacturing company, Grange Envelopes—continued to go well for Ruby. Due to her hard work, she was rewarded with another move up the corporate ladder. She earned good money and was promoted to a new position with additional responsibilities. She kept on compartmentalizing her life.

  Every morning, during her drive or ride on public transportation, she mentally moved or changed her thinking about herself to suit the destination. This was how she survived. At work, no one knew about her home life, and she didn’t want to share it with anyone. That would be too humiliating. During business hours and at business functions, she was well adjusted, happy and very qualified to do her job. She earned the respect of managers and employees alike.

  The employees really liked her. How refreshing and gratifying that was for Ruby. She felt hope creeping into her mind.

  Ruby was flattered by the attention of Ron Battle. She became infatuated with him. He was kind to her and treated her like an equal. It didn’t hurt that he was a very intelligent, successful guy. She liked his casual manner and his slightly mischievous smile. It turned her on. His great looks really appealed to Ruby.

  I spend more time thinking about Ron than any man I have ever known, she thought. I think he is perfectly beautiful. His wife is so lucky. What I wouldn’t do to have someone with his strength and disposition loving me. Those clear blue eyes and curly blonde hair make me hold my breath when we meet in the halls. Like a schoolgirl with a crush, I stumble over my words. I’m sure he thinks I’m an idiot.