The Phoenix of Altria

by David M Zahn

  "The prosecution rests. It has no further witnesses to call," the prosecutor said to the Judge.

  "Defense, you may call your next witness," the Judge said turning back towards Eldertits.

  "The Defense calls Minuvae to the stand," Eldertits said loudly.

  At first, I didn't think anyone responded, but then a small elven woman seated at the back got up and made her way to the front.

  "Please state your name and occupation," Eldertits said to her.

  "I am Minuvae. I work as a maid for House Faedan," the elf replied timidly.

  "Would you please tell us where you worked three hundred and twenty-three years ago?" Eldertits asked.

  "I was a maid working in House Parhanuun," Minuvae replied.

  "And it was at this time that you met my mother, Bygonetits, correct?" Eldertits continued.

  "Yes, Bygonetits just started working as a maid in the employ of the house a couple months before," Minuvae answered.

  "Would you explain to the room what happened while Bygonetits was in the employ of Mr. Haldir?" Eldertits asked, smiling at prosecutor.

  "Mr. Haldir took an immediate liking to Bygonetits," Minuvae started. "I will say she was a beautiful elf, with exotic red hair and curves in all the right places, not unlike yourself. Mr. Haldir seemed set on seducing her from the beginning, but Bygonetits resisted him for a time. After a couple of months, she gave in and started an affair with Mr. Haldir. One can only resist the charms of a nobleman for so long, you see. About six months after the affair started, it became very obvious that Bygonetits was pregnant. When she confronted Haldir with this, he shunned her. Shocked that the man she loved would push her away, she fled the home and gave birth to a baby girl, you, in secret. I found out a couple years later that she passed away from health complications. This was before Kuolema, goddess of death, was banished, you see."

  Minuvae finished this story with a sob, wiping real tears from her eyes. She was an amazing actress, because even with my new Sense Motive bonus, I would have bought every word of this story had I not known that the whole thing was a lie.

  "I understand this is very hard for you," Eldertits said patting the woman on the arm. "It's hard for me to hear about the suffering my mother went through as well. No further questions, your honor."

  "Prosecution, your witness," the Judge said to the prosecutor.

  "The prosecution has no questions for this witness," the prosecutor responded without getting out of his seat.

  "Ms. Minuvae, you are dismissed," the Judge said. "Defense, your next witness."

  "The defense has no further witnesses, your honor," Eldertits said sitting down. "The defense rests."

  "Very well. Prosecution, we will continue with your closing statement," the Judge said.

  The prosecutor stood up and moved to the center in front of the Judge. "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see from the case we've presented, the defendant is guilty of all three crimes she's been accused of. All of our witnesses confirm Eldertits went over and sat in the lap of Haldir. Most of them believe that she then proceeded to grind her rear end into Haldir's genitalia, and we can infer that she did so for her own sexual pleasure. The defendant has compounded this by making up ridiculous claims that she is some long-lost daughter of House Parthanuun. This is nonsense. I trust that you will do the right thing and pronounce her guilty."

  As he finished, the prosecutor strode to his seat and sat down, clearly satisfied with the case he made. The Judge motioned to Eldertits, and she stood up and walked to the center of the room.

  "Ladies and gentlemen, this is nothing but a case of misunderstanding," Eldertits began. "In my joy at meeting my father for the first time, I sat down in his lap, and it was he who came on to me. I won't be able to sleep for weeks knowing that my own father was sexually aroused by me. This is not how I would have chosen the truth to come out about my mother and my birth, but as you can see clearly from the case I stated, Haldir is my father. What I did was nothing more than the love a daughter has for her daddy. I hope that one day Haldir will come to acknowledge me as his daughter for he knows deep in his heart that it is true."

  After she finished, Eldertits went back over and sat down.

  All eyes turned to the Judge who said, "With that, I must ask all of you to leave this courtroom, so the council and I can deliberate."

  Everyone in the room began slowly filing out of the doors in the back. The courtroom let out into a large antechamber where I gathered with Elaria, Rondo, Turin, and Viltria. Eldertits came over to us as the last of the people cleared the room.

  "I can't believe you're my sister," Turin said to her as she walked over.

  Both Rondo and I laughed while Elaria scowled at this statement.

  "Yes, it is so nice to have a little brother," Eldertits said, clearly trying to hold back her own laughter. "Is daddy always so pigheaded?"

  "He'll never acknowledge you," Turin said as if breaking terrible news to her. "He will never take the hit to his reputation. Actually, he'll be furious over this case already since folks will now know his dirty secret. I can't believe he cheated on mom and then gave me grief over my relationship with Viltria."

  "Well, from my experience, most folks like that are hypocrites," Rondo said finally having regained his composure.

  "I, for one, am glad to call you sister," Turin said as he went and hugged Eldertits. "No wonder you risked your life by going to Maleuhur for me."

  She winked at me over his shoulder, and I just shook my head. She'll keep this poor kid believing this story for the rest of his life if one of us doesn't say something. I have to admit, I admire the balls on her for making that story up and then telling it straight-faced to the court.

  "I'll be back. I think I should go check on mother and father," Turin said, letting go of Eldertits. "Vil, wait here please. I'll only be a moment."

  With that, he strode off to the other side of the room where a large group gathered around his parents. Judging by the look in Haldir's eyes, he was ready to kill Eldertits even if she survived this case.

  "You'd better watch your back with that one," I said motioning towards the noble. "He's straight up going to murder you."

  "That wouldn't be very daddy-like of him," Eldertits said with a shrug.

  "Oh, knock it off with that. We all know you made that whole story up," I said in a whisper. "How long are you going to let poor Turin think you're his sister anyway?"

  "I'll probably tell him once it's no longer amusing," Eldertits said with a laugh.

  "How'd you get that Minuvae to lie for you by the way?" Rondo asked.

  "Oh, that was easy. I just found a servant with a good bluff skill and some debt," Eldertits said smiling. "I gave her a couple hundred gold, and she said exactly what I told her to say. Honestly, if I gave her another hundred gold, I could have probably had her claim she was my mother and that she slept with Haldir."

  "You are despicable you know that," Elaria hissed at her.

  "Oh, you know you love me, Elaria," Eldertits said looking lovingly at the other elf.

  "If you hadn't pulled that stunt in the first place, you wouldn't have to spin these ridiculous stories to try to get out of it now," Elaria responded.

  "But isn't it way more fun this way?" Eldertits asked her in response.

  "No, it is not way more fun this way," Elaria snapped back. "I wouldn't even be here if I didn't owe you a couple life debts."

  "See, you do love me," Eldertits said.

  Elaria glared at the other woman and said, "You are, perhaps, the most useful companion I have ever fought next to in battle, but outside of battle, you're nothing but trouble. Perhaps if we could somehow keep you gagged."

  "Oh, I like the way you think," Eldertits said adopting her sultry voice. "What are you going to do to me after that?"

  Elaria sulked and turned away in response just as the doors to the courtroom opened, and a clerk came out and announced that a verdict had been reached. We followed the crowd back into the
courtroom, and I took my seat back on the bench while Eldertits went to the front and sat down at the defense table. Once everyone was seated, the Judge banged his gavel as he was wont to do.

  "Ladies and gentleman, I will now read the verdict in the case Ithielthiel vs. Eldertits. On the charge of crimes against the nobility, this court finds the defendant not guilty. On the charge of attempted adultery, this court finds the defendant not guilty. On the charge of sexual assault, this court finds the defendant not guilty."

  With this last pronouncement, outrage came from those around Haldir and Fainauriel, while Eldertits threw her head back and laughed, which probably didn't help matters. Tall and proud, Haldir marched right up to the front of the courtroom yelling the whole time.

  "This is outrageous," he yelled at the Judge and the council. "You can't tell me you actually believed that nonsense about being my daughter? I am one of the king's nobility and will not be treated in such a manner."

  The Judge slammed his gavel down rapidly and yelled, "Mr. Haldir, control yourself. This council takes all the decisions it makes seriously. All decisions made by this council are final, and you will sit down and show this court the respect it deserves."

  Eldertits' raucous laughter filtered in once the Judge finished shouting, and Haldir snapped his attention towards her. Yelling harshly, he said, "This is not over. The court may have let you off, but there are other ways of getting justice. Believe me."

  Eldertits barely managed to control her laughter long enough to say, "Oh daddy, do you want to take your little girl home and punish her?"

  Not picking up on what she was getting at, Haldir responded, "You'll never set foot in House Parthanuun again, but you will be punished severely."

  This, of course, caused Eldertits to break into a whole new fit of laughter which actually caused the barbarian to fall out of her chair onto the ground. She didn't seem to notice or care as water began leaking from her eyes.

  Haldir took this as her laughing in his face and muttered something inaudible before stomping away. He walked straight past the benches and out of the courtroom, his entourage falling in behind him.

  At this point, I figured I'd better go collect our troll off the floor before she did anything too stupid, like admit she made the whole thing up in front of the Judge and the council. I walked up to the front where she was sprawled out on the floor. The others followed close behind. She sat there laughing, looking more pleased with herself than I had ever seen her.

  "Tits, come on. It's time to go," I said, holding a hand out for her.

  She looked up at me and then burst into another fit of uncontrollable laughter. I'll admit the situation was funny, but I don't think it was that funny.

  "Tits, come on," Rondo said. "We'll celebrate your victory back at the Oakspring with a few drinks."

  "Alright, alright," she finally wheezed out, grabbing my hand. "That was my finest work yet, I think. I'm a master artist, and this whole world is my canvas."

  "Yes, you're amazing," I grunted sarcastically pulling the surprisingly heavy elf to her feet. "Let's get out of the courtroom. We've spent too long in here."

  Chapter Two: A Night at the Oakspring

  "Father is not a pleasant enemy to have," Turin said to the rest of us. "I once saw him lock a man up that refused to pay a debt for five months before he let him out and made him pay back the debt with interest."

  The six of us were sitting around a table in the common room of the Oakspring. Eldertits was celebrating by drinking heavily and boasting of her success while Turin, who still hadn't been told she wasn't, in fact, his sister, worried about what his father might do to her.

  "Turin, relax and have a drink with your big sis," Eldertits said, slurring her speech slightly. "I can take care of myself. There's nothing daddy will do to me that I won't let him."

  "You don't know him as I know him," Turin responded, clearly stressed. "He won't let this go."

  "Why don't you pull out one of those beautiful dark titties and suckle at a nipple for a while," Eldertits said a little too loudly.

  "Tits," I hissed. "Keep your voice down, remember Viltria is here in secret."

  "I think she's had too much to drink," Viltria said stiffly.

  "Oh, come on Vil," Eldertits said using Turin's pet name for the dark elf. "Don't be a spoilsport. What do you say you have a few more glasses of wine and then we go upstairs, and you get to take turns with the Parthanuun siblings?"

  Viltria glowered at her and said briskly, "I'm going to bed. Turin, come. We'll see you all in the morning when, hopefully, everyone is sober."

  With that, she stood up and left the table. After a brief hesitation, Turin followed.

  "Even she finds you disgusting," Elaria said after Viltria was out of earshot. "I still think what you did today was despicable."

  "Admit it, you thought it was brilliant," Eldertits said leaning over towards the other elf.

  "I did not think it was brilliant," Elaria said harshly. "I thought, and still think, it was despicable. You have no honor, and whatever faults Haldir has, he didn't deserve to have his reputation sullied like that. I'm only keeping my mouth shut because of the life debts I owe you."

  "You know what's awesome?" Eldertits said ignoring the other woman. The amount of Bluff experience you get when you bluff an entire crowd of people. I went up a few skill levels just from that case today. I should really do this every day."

  "Yes, you've told us," I said in response.

  It was, in fact, the third time she mentioned it this evening, and while I was impressed the first time, by now it was just annoying. Tits was normally over-the-top sober, but after seven glasses of wine, she was a bit too much, even for me.

  "Ryland," she said before chugging her eighth glass of red wine. "You know you're like my best friend. My best little puppy. Aww, we should all get a dog."

  Her speech really started to slur at this point, and it became harder to make out the exact words she was saying. She leaned over, wrapped her arms around me, and squeezed as hard as she could. It turns out this was pretty hard, because I felt pain shoot through my arms and chest, and a small amount of HP dropped from my health meter.

  "Tits," I gasped. "I like you too, but can you let go? You're doing some real damage."

  She let go and said, "Aww the wittle puppy is trying to run away." Then she turned and slammed her hands down on the table and yelled, "I'm serious. We're getting a pet. My vote is for a dog."

  "I don't think you're in any condition to be taking care of an animal right now," Elaria said.

  "No, I'm serious," Eldertits said loudly. "This band needs a pet."

  "I'd hardly call us a band," Elaria said, "I'm going back to the Rangers tomorrow now that the quest is over. I only stayed through your trial as support for my battle sister."

  "No, Elaria," Eldertits yelled. "You can't go. You're the only woman around here who understands me."

  "I don't understand you at all," Elaria said flatly. "What are you doing?"

  At that moment, Eldertits decided to climb over the top of the table and reached for the ranger.

  "Don't back away from me. You're part of the band, and I need to let you know how special you are," Eldertits said, succeeding in catching the retreating Elaria.

  The poor ranger didn't have a whole lot of room to move with Rondo sitting next to her. Eldertits wrapped her arms around the other elf and somehow ended up in Rondo's lap. He didn't seem to mind.

  "Please Tits, that's enough," Elaria said. "My place is with the Rangers, and while our time together has been...well, it's been."

  "Nope, I refuse to let you go until you say you'll stay with the group," Eldertits said, tightening her grip on the other woman.

  "Please," Elaria gasped, "you're hurting me now. I will be there for you if you are ever in need because of the bond shared between us, but our quest to save Turin is now over."

  "That's no fun," Eldertits said, pouting as she let go of Elaria and settled back against R
ondo.

  "Are you really leaving?" Rondo asked with concern in his voice.

  "Yes. Ryland is the one who swore to save Turin and Viltria, not me," Elaria said. "I have enjoyed our journey together, Rondo, but my duty is here."

  Looking truly sorry, Rondo said, "I'm sorry to see you go."

  After that, the evening took on a more somber tone. Even Eldertits didn't look to be in the mood to celebrate anymore. Because of this, we wrapped things up quickly and headed upstairs to the rooms we rented. I was sharing one with Rondo while Eldertits was shacking up with Elaria.

  "Tits, if you try anything tonight, I will cut your throat," Elaria said as we reached the third floor.

  "Wouldn't dream of it," Eldertits said groggily.

  She was close to passing out, and it took all three of us to help her up the two floors we needed to go. Now, Elaria and Rondo were supporting her down the hall and into the ladies' room.

  Inside there were two simple full-sized beds, and they threw Tits rather unceremoniously down onto one. She grunted but didn't complain.

  "Hey Rondo, why don't you sleep in here with me tonight? I don't think Elaria will mind," Tits said to Rondo while Elaria looked very much like she would mind.

  Rondo glanced over at Elaria and then said, "Uh no, I'd better not. I appreciate the offer, though. I'll see you in the morning."

  Rondo and I left the room, and Elaria shut the door behind while muttering something about not being a babysitter. Our room was just next door. I walked over and flopped onto one of the beds while Rondo did the same on the other.

  "Well," Rondo said, "I don't know how a hangover feels in this world, but if it's anything like it is back on Earth, she's going to have one terrible morning."

  "Something tells me that it will be similar," I said sleepily.

  "Can't believe Elaria is leaving us," Rondo muttered more to himself than to me.

  "Yeah, it's unfortunate," I said, trailing off and falling asleep.

  Thud. Boom. CRACK.

  I jolted awake just in time to see to see a figure clad in all black tumble straight into my bed, landing on top of me. I let out a squeal, and the weight of his body caused me to fall over backwards.