Above the Fear

by Joan Fennell Carringer

  As he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror above the dresser, his train of thought switched to the telephone call with Josie. She’d never recognize him if she saw him like this. That scraggly beard and long hair had to go. He’d been meaning to get himself cleaned up outwardly ever since the Lord had changed him on the inside, but had kept putting it off. There wasn’t much he could do about his weight in the time it would take him to get home. He was skinny as a rail.

  Leaning closer, he ran his hands over his face. It was rough and hardened from working outside in the hot California sunshine, but his dark eyes still had a little of their sparkle left. He was learning to smile again, something that had been nearly nonexistent for far too long. He hadn’t had much of a reason to smile – until he’d met the Lord at a revival meeting he’d reluctantly attended a few months earlier.

  His smile widened. Everything was going to be different now. The one thing he’d learned was that he had someone to help him now, and he no longer had to go through it alone. One of these days, he truly believed, the Lord was going to give him back the one thing he wanted more than anything else in the world. His son.

  A soft knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and he opened it to greet Sam Bower, pastor of the church he’d been attending since his conversion. The elderly man, neatly dressed in his usual navy suit, smiled and his blue eyes twinkled as he shook John’s hand. “So, did you make the call? Are you really leaving, John?”

  “I did, and I am. I’m ready to go home, Sam. What better time is there to make a new beginning than Christmas? But I’ll never be further away than a phone call, if you hear anything. I’m going to give you my sister’s number and address, in the event you can’t reach me for something really important.” He sighed. “I feel like I’ve done everything I could to try to find Ricky. Not that I’ll ever stop looking, and I know you won’t either, but I know it’s all in God’s hands. I can’t do anything more living here than I can anyplace else. And I want to go home.”

  “Just remember where your strength comes from, whenever doubts and worries try to come back. Through Christ, you can do anything. He can make you forget all those bad years you’ve told me about. Everything is behind you now. All you have to do is look toward what’s ahead.”

  After they chatted for a little longer, they hugged each other and Pastor Sam said a prayer and left. But not before he stuck some money in John’s hand, forcing him to accept it even though he resisted.

  John watched until he was out of sight. It was almost like seeing his only earthly friend walking away from him. Would he ever find anyone else that cared as much as he did?

  ∞ THREE ∞

  THE WEDDING WAS BEAUTIFUL and so was the unexpected snow, not to mention Christmas Day itself. Now everything was over. Marna and Devon were on their honeymoon, and everything was back to the way it was before.

  Taryn missed her sister more than she had even imagined she would. One week without her seemed like an entire month. How many times had Taryn stopped at her sister’s bedroom door, having something she wanted to talk to her about, only to remember she wasn’t there and the room was empty? There was no one for her to confide in now. She couldn’t imagine telling Sharris any of the things she used to talk to Marna about.

  Thoughts of Suzi brought smiles, especially how the little girl had insisted they become best friends now that Marna was gone. She hadn’t seen her since the wedding, except to watch her playing outside several times. Often, her father was with her and they seemed to be having so much fun together. Even as it warmed her heart to see it, it also brought on a new melancholy when she recalled how she and her sisters had loved and enjoyed being with their parents.

  How quickly things could change. She and Sharris had gone to the movies that night three years ago, happy and excited, and while they were gone the furnace exploded, their home burned to the ground, their parents were dead, and beautiful Marna was scarred for life.

  What would happen in the New Year? She didn’t even want to think about it. Each day would take care of itself, without her worrying about it in advance. It said that very thing in the Bible, in more than one place.

  Suzi was at her door the afternoon of January first.

  When Taryn saw the tears pooled in her dark eyes, she knew her father had gone back to work.

  “I wish he never had to go to work,” Suzi told her as she sipped hot chocolate at the table. “I wish Mommy didn’t have to work either. You don’t go to work, Taryn. How come?”

  “I work right here in my house, remember? You’ve been in the big office here lots of times, where all the computers and printers are. Even though I don’t go to a job every day, I still work on one. Surely, Marna’s told you what we do. We design ads for big businesses, to help them bring in more business. We make money from them and they make money from us.”

  Suzi sighed. “But at least you don’t have to go away all the time.” She grinned then. “Oh, my goodness, I forgot to tell you something really important.”

  “And that would be?” Smiling, Taryn sipped her coffee.

  “My Uncle John is coming! He’s my mommy’s brother but I don’t remember him at all. I don’t even know what he looks like because he left when I was a baby. Nobody even knows where he lives, but Mommy thinks he’s still in California. Gee, that’s the other side of the world! But now he’s coming back.” She sighed again. “At least he said he was. You know, I’m beginning to wonder. It was Christmas Eve when he called and here it is New Year’s and he hasn’t gotten here yet.”

  “It’s a long ways from California to here, Suzi. Just like you said, it’s on the other side of the world.”

  “Mommy’s still worried. She kept saying she thought he’d be here before Daddy had to go back to work.”

  After a brief silence, Taryn asked Suzi if she was hungry.

  “No, but I’m restless.”

  Taryn chuckled. Were ten year old’s supposed to be restless? She always thought they had boundless energy that kept them too busy to become bored.

  “It’s really pretty outside. The sun’s shining and it’s warm. It’s almost like spring. It’s the perfect day to ride my bike.” Raising her eyes, they met Taryn’s.

  Taryn knew what she wanted. She knew it was coming, but she still didn’t know how to get out of agreeing to ride with her. “I know you’d like that.” She couldn’t tell her she was too busy to join her because she was caught up on everything and, in truth, had nothing else to do.

  “So?” Suzi’s eyes turned challenging.

  Taryn sighed. “Okay, but I warn you, I haven’t been on a bicycle since I was……oh, I don’t remember the last time I was on one.”

  Suzi bounced to her feet. “It’s warm, like I said, but you’ll still need a light jacket and you can use the helmet Marna always wore. Oh, this is going to be so much fun!”

  Fun was certainly not the word for it! By the time Taryn had gotten to the end of their long driveway, she was already out of breath. When she stopped for a moment, Suzi laughed and urged her on, then took off in front of her.

  Why on earth had she ever agreed to do this? She was twenty-seven years old and trying to keep up with a ten year old. In her mind’s eye, she recalled all the times Marna and Devon had gone riding with Suzi and how much fun they all seemed to be having. Bike riding was not just for kids. Neither was it for overweight, out of shape women!

  Ten minutes later, she was putting her bicycle back in the shed and wiping the sweat from her forehead.

  “We’ll ride longer the next time,” Suzi told her.

  Oh, yes….the next time…..

  “It’ll take you awhile to get used to it,” Suzi continued, “but once you do, you’ll love it. Oh!” She stopped suddenly, staring at an old model pickup truck that was slowing down by her driveway. “Wonder who that is. Look at that old truck. Taryn, it’s pulling into my driveway!”

  Both of them watched as the truck stopped, the door opened and a tall, very slim yo
ung man with dark hair stepped out. The minute his feet hit the ground, he yawned and stretched, as if he might have been driving for a long time.

  Suzi looked at Taryn, her eyes quizzical. “Who…..? Oh, my goodness! He has dark hair, just like Mommy and me! He must be………” She stopped in the middle of what she was saying and took off running, never stopping until she was standing in front of him. “Are you my Uncle John?”

  John Winston smiled at the child. “If you’re Suzi, then I’m your Uncle John.” Holding out his arms, he wrapped them around her in a warm embrace.

  “I thought you changed your mind,” she said, the smile wide on her lips. “How come it took you so long to get here?”

  “I had a very long drive. Is your mother here?”

  Taryn started toward her own house, not wanting to intrude on Suzi’s meeting with her uncle. She hadn’t taken more than a few steps before Suzi called her name.

  “Taryn! You gotta come and meet my Uncle John!”

  It was the last thing she wanted to do. She didn’t like meeting strangers and at this particular moment she looked her very worst. Her hair was pulled back in a scraggly ponytail, she was sweating from trying to ride the bike, and she was dressed in the oldest, ugliest sweat suit in her entire closet that made her look fatter than ever. But what difference did it make? It wasn’t as if the man standing there looking her way cared one way or the other. No man ever did, even when she looked her best.

  She started across the yard toward Josie and Suzi’s driveway. The closer she got to him, the more she could see how extremely thin he was and that both the jeans and light-weight jacket he was wearing were very well worn. One more glance at the pickup truck made her wonder how it had managed to make it so many miles without breaking down.

  She stopped her thoughts immediately. What right did she have to size anyone up? What must he be thinking of her? Certainly not that she was too thin!

  He smiled when she was close enough and introduced himself. He had beautiful, sparkling, dark eyes, just like Josie and Suzi. He was very nice looking. Of course, Josie was attractive, so why shouldn’t he be?

  “This is Taryn,” Suzi said then. “She’s my best friend, Uncle John, ever since Marna got married and moved away.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, John,” Taryn said.

  All other conversation came to a halt as Josie ran out of the house and practically flew to her brother. As she flung her arms around him and held him as if she would never let him go again, she never noticed as Taryn left and went back to her own house.

  ∞ FOUR ∞

  THE DAY PASSED LIKE ANY OTHER. The only excitement, other than sharing Suzi’s when her uncle came, was when Marna and Devon got back from their honeymoon and stopped in to visit.

  Taryn had never seen her sister so radiant and happy. Or so beautiful. She knew it wasn’t possible that her scars weren’t nearly as noticeable, nor that her one eye was actually opened a little wider, but they sure looked that way.

  When the newlyweds left, the house was unusually quiet.

  “I can’t stand this,” Sharris finally said, after scrolling through the TV channels and finding nothing she wanted to watch. “I’m going for a drive. Or shopping. Or to a movie. Anyplace but here.” She looked at Taryn. “Want to come with me?”

  She knew before she asked that Taryn would decline the invitation. Taryn wondered what she’d have done if she’d accepted. Would she have suddenly changed her mind about going at all?

  A few minutes later, Sharris was gone and Taryn was alone. Looking at her watch to see that it wasn’t even seven pm yet, she sighed.

  She could call Ottie and wish him a happy new year. No. Even though it was early, he might already be in bed. At his age, he needed to get all the rest he could.

  What if she walked over to Josie’s house for a little while? If she’d been Marna or Sharris, she would have done it without even thinking, but Taryn wasn’t one to go anywhere unless she was explicitly invited. Then, she dreaded it. It wasn’t hard to come up with an excuse to stay home. Josie and Suzi needed private time with John, especially on the very day he’d gotten there. They wouldn’t like it at all if she tried to intrude on it.

  It made her feel better when she remembered the new box of doughnuts she’d bought the other day. But after she’d eaten three of them, she was more despondent than ever.

  ▬ ▬ ▬

  IN THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR, Josie and Suzi sat cuddled up on the sofa, watching a DVD. It was a comedy that made them laugh so hard that Suzi finally fell to the floor and rolled around in her mirth.

  Josie sobered quickly, paused the movie and put her finger to her lips. “Oh, Suzi, we need to be a little quieter. We’ll wake up Uncle John and he was so tired.”

  Suzi jumped back onto the sofa. “He really was tired, wasn’t he? He hardly said a word. He sure was hungry, though, wasn’t he? Then he went to bed, and he’s still there.”

  Josie wouldn’t voice the concern in her heart. John hadn’t said much, just as Suzi pointed out, except that they’d have a good talk when he’d had a chance to rest. He’d eaten like he was starved to death and he was so terribly thin. Could he have some kind of health problem? Was that the reason he’d come back home all of a sudden? She’d wanted to call their parents to let them know he was there, but he’d been adamant about waiting for a few days. He’d get in touch with them himself, he promised, as soon as he had time to get rested. Once they knew where he was, they’d be driving over and he didn’t feel up to seeing them yet.

  Why was he so tired that he needed a few days to rest? Why wasn’t he anxious to see the parents who loved him so much and had continually worried about him the entire time he was gone? Those ten years must have seemed like such a long time to them, even more than to her. At least she had Suzi and Ted, as well as her job, to fill in the lonely hours. Mom and Dad had only each other.

  More worry filled Josie’s heart. If he didn’t feel better when he got up, should she suggest he see a doctor? She wondered if he had any insurance. His clothes were about as thin as his body and she’d never seen him in such worn out shoes. Ted would lend him some of his things, she was sure of it, but they would hang on him.

  What had happened to her brother? Did he have a job at all? He had only one suitcase with him. Did that one suitcase contain all his earthly possessions? Or had he brought only the bare essentials because he was planning to leave again soon?

  “Mommy?”

  Forced away from her thoughts, Josie looked at her daughter. “What, honey?”

  “Are you okay?”

  Josie smiled. “What makes you ask that? I’m fine.”

  Suzi grinned. “You just got so quiet all of a sudden. I guess you’re still afraid we’ll wake up Uncle John, huh? Say! I have an idea. Let’s take the movie over to Taryn’s house and watch it there. She can watch it with us.”

  “But we can’t just barge in on Taryn and……”

  “Yes, we can! She and I are best friends now. I told you we both agreed on that on Christmas Eve. Remember?”

  “I remember. Okay, we’ll run over and ask her if she wants to watch the movie with us. Maybe Sharris will, too.”

  “Sharris left a little while ago. That’s more reason than ever to visit Taryn. She’s all alone. She’s probably sad, too, because Marna and Devon came by and then left again. I saw Devon’s truck go in and out.”

  Josie ran her hand lovingly through her daughter’s short dark hair. “How very smart you are. Let’s go see Taryn.”

  Taryn was already in her pajamas when the doorbell rang. Who would be coming so late in the evening? As far as that went, who would be coming at all? Their only visitors seemed to be Sharris’ dates, coming to pick her up. With a sigh, she looked through the peephole and then opened the door.

  Suzi laughed. “I wish I’d thought to put on my jammies. Mommy, too. It would really be fun.”

  Josie smiled, explained how John was sleeping and asked Taryn if she’d like to
watch a movie with them.

  The rest of the evening passed in a blur of laughs and fun as they ate popcorn, drank cokes and watched TV.

  Josie and Suzi were just leaving when Sharris came home. After a quick greeting, the mother and daughter went home.

  “I sure am glad I went out,” Sharris told Taryn as she plopped down in the recliner in the corner of the living room. “I just happened to run into Donovan…….”

  Wasn’t Sharris always ‘just happening’ to run into someone or other?

  “……and it’s been so long since I’ve seen him. Except at Marna’s wedding, I mean, and that doesn’t count. I thought maybe he’d finally given up on me.”

  “Do you want him to?”

  “I don’t know. He’s a great guy, really cute and he’s fun to be with, but of course, I have no intention of settling down with just one. I’ll never find the right one if I don’t look around for a while.”

  Taryn yawned. “Sorry.”

  “Anyway,” Sharris went on if as there had been no interruption, “Donovan is taking me out Friday. He mentioned asking his cousin Landon – you remember him – if he might like to go with us and taking you as his date, but I told him I was pretty sure you had other plans for that night, but I’d check with you anyway.”

  Sharris knew very well that Taryn had no plans, that she never had any plans.

  “I knew you wouldn’t want to go, so I figured it was an easy out for you if I told him you were busy. It wasn’t really a lie. You’re always into something.”

  Like sitting around in her pajamas, or eating doughnuts, or munching on popcorn while watching a movie. Even as Taryn thought it, she was glad Sharris said what she did. Not that she didn’t like Landon Martin. She’d enjoyed being with him that one time they’d all gone to dinner with Marna and Devon, Devon’s mother Reeka and his grandfather Conrad. Since he’d never tried to contact her afterward, she was sure he wasn’t interested in getting to know her better or taking her out again.