Above the Fear

by Joan Fennell Carringer

  Sharris flipped on the TV. “So what did you and Josie and Susie do? Whose old run down truck is that parked in their driveway? I noticed it when I left and it was still there when I got back.”

  “Josie’s brother John is visiting them. It’s his truck.”

  “It has California tags on it. I can’t see it making a trip that far.”

  She’d never noticed the out of state tags. There was no longer any doubt as to where he’d been.

  “So what’s he like - John?”

  “I don’t know. I met him when he got here because I just happened to be outside at the time and Suzi introduced us. He no sooner had a chance to say hi before Josie came running out to greet him and I came home.”

  “I’m not much into kids. You know that, but I like Suzi.” Sharris turned the TV off again and stood up. “I think I’ll go on to bed. I also saw Brynn Monroe, Ottie’s daughter-in-law, this evening. She was talking about needing to get some new school clothes for her daughter Jada and we wound up planning a shopping trip into Cleveland, Tennessee in the morning. I haven’t been there in a while and I need to do a little shopping myself. You might want to come with us.”

  Why did Sharris insist on inviting her to do things, just to hear her say she didn’t want to?

  Sharris went on before Taryn could say a word. “I figured you wouldn’t want to, but if you do, I’m leaving at eight to pick her up. Good-night.”

  Taryn watched her sister walk down the hallway toward her room. She’d be gone all day tomorrow and if she didn’t go with her, she’d be alone all day. Taryn had no desire to go shopping and Sharris knew it. She certainly didn’t want to buy clothes. Every time she bought something new, it had to be in a bigger size. Sharris never had to worry about that.

  With a sigh, she started to her own room. She had no idea what she would do the next day, but she’d think about it when it got there.

  ∞ FIVE ∞

  THE DAY, AS WELL AS THE REST OF THE WEEK, passed much quicker than Taryn anticipated. A couple new orders came in and once she became involved with them, the time flew by. By Friday evening, she was tired and decided to sleep in the next day, since she was finally caught up.

  The doorbell awakened her long before she was ready to get up Saturday morning. Groaning as she rolled over in bed, she looked at the clock. Eight o’clock. Any other time, she would have already been up. Maybe Sharris would get the door. It was probably somebody wanting to see her anyway. Yawning, Taryn closed her eyes again, only to be surprised a few minutes later by a gentle shaking.

  “Boy, you’re sure a sleepy-head,” Suzi grinned at her. “Sharris let me in and told me to come and wake you up, that you’d been sleeping long enough.”

  Taryn sat up, ran her hands through her tousled hair and grinned. “If I’d known it was you at the door, I’d have answered it myself. What brings you here so early?”

  Suzi didn’t answer at first, but seemed to be looking around the room for something or other. Then she walked over to the dresser and picked up a hairbrush, sat down on the bed and started brushing Taryn’s hair. “Now, you just sit still and I’ll have this all done in a minute. Boy, your hair is long! If mine would be this pretty, I’d let it grow.”

  Taryn closed her eyes, enjoying the unexpected pleasure. “Oh, that feels so good.”

  “So I have a question,” Suzi said then.

  Taryn looked at her.

  “You go to church all the time, don’t you?”

  “I do.”

  “Well, Mommy’s been talking about wanting to go when she has a Sunday off, and it so happens she’s off tomorrow, and Uncle John’s been talking a lot about wanting to go to church and we thought we might go with you.”

  “I would like that. My church isn’t real large but it’s a good one. The people are friendly and the preacher tells the truth.”

  Suzi’s eyes became quizzical. “Why wouldn’t he tell the truth?”

  “Some preachers don’t actually lie, but they like to try to say only what they know the people want to hear. So they sort of water down the truth.”

  “What is the truth?”

  “What the Bible says. There’s lots of things in that book that people don’t like and don’t want to hear about, but our preacher preaches about all of it.”

  Suzi kept brushing. “Okay.”

  “Do you understand what I said?”

  “No, but I’m curious enough that I want to go to church with you and find out. I think Uncle John should be a preacher. He sure does like to talk about God and Jesus a lot.”

  “Are you enjoying having him with you?”

  “Oh, I sure am! He’s funny sometimes, but lots of times he seems sad. When he gets that sad look in his eyes, he gets real quiet and doesn’t have much to say. He sure does love to eat! I hope he puts on some weight.”

  Weight. Her least favorite subject. Too bad she couldn’t give some of her excess to John. “I haven’t seen much of you since he got here.”

  Suzi grinned. “Silly! It isn’t just because of Uncle John. You know I’m back in school since the holidays are over.” She laid the hairbrush down on the bed. “Now, you better get up and put on your robe and come to the kitchen. Uncle John’s in there with Sharris right now.”

  Taryn’s eyes widened. “He’s in the kitchen?”

  “He wanted to come over with me and meet you both, since you’re such good friends with me and Mommy. He says he just barely had a chance to say hi when he first got here and he’s been out every day looking for a job and…..”

  All the time Suzi was talking, Taryn’s mind was running a mile a minute. She had to get dressed. She couldn’t join John and Sharris – wearing her robe! Sharris would be looking beautiful, like she always did. She probably already had her make up on and was wearing one of her prettiest outfits. It didn’t matter if she had plans for the day or not, Sharris always fixed herself up to perfection. “Suzi,” she finally said, having to stop the little girl in the middle of a sentence, “why don’t you go to the kitchen and let me get dressed and I’ll be there in a minute, okay?”

  “Okay, but don’t take too long. I don’t want Uncle John to get tired of waiting and leave before you get there.”

  Was her uncle impatient? Had Suzi seen signs of it in just the one week he’d been there? “I’ll hurry. I promise.”

  Fifteen minutes later, when she nervously walked into the kitchen, she found Sharris and John in a deep conversation. She hated to interrupt them, knowing anything she had to talk about wouldn’t be nearly as interesting as whatever they were discussing. She never seemed to have any of the right words at the right time.

  Suzi jumped to her feet the minute she saw her. “Taryn, finally you’re here. Uncle John, you remember Taryn, don’t you?”

  Clear dark brown smiling eyes met hers when their gazes met. He was much more attractive than she remembered and her self-consciousness abruptly returned. He was dressed neatly in a pair of new levis and a dark blue pullover shirt. His skin was deeply tanned, a definite plus to his good looks. In just an instant, she compared herself to him and came up lacking. She’d put on the first pair of blue jeans she’d found in her closet, along with a faded red, button-down oxford shirt that she hadn’t even tucked in. It was a little hard to tuck in a blouse when the pants were so tight.

  His smile made her more uneasy than ever. “Hi, Taryn. Sharris was telling me about the business you run together. It’s been interesting, and I have to say I’m impressed.”

  “Uh….thank you.” There she went, getting speechless and sounding stupid! She went to the coffee pot and poured a cup, hoping it would boost her confidence.

  Sharris stood up. “Since you’re here now, I have to leave for a while.” Turning to John, she flashed what had to be her prettiest and sweetest smile. “I’ve really enjoyed talking to you, John. We’ll have to pick up where we left off real soon.”

  Taryn couldn’t miss how his eyes followed her sister as she left the room - nor of the
silence that suddenly filled the air as soon as she was gone.

  Suzi laughed, breaking the quiet.

  Bless her heart!

  “So, Taryn, I was thinking maybe you could fix me and Uncle John something to eat since we haven’t had any breakfast,” the little girl said then.

  “Suzi,” John gasped. “We didn’t come here to eat.”

  “But Mommy’s gone to work and I don’t know how to cook and I don’t like your cooking. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, Uncle John, but that spaghetti you made last night was really awful.”

  “What was wrong with it?”

  “It was real soft and mushy, like mashed potatoes.”

  He shrugged his shoulders and laughed. “I never said I knew how to cook. I just volunteered to do it because your mom was tired and I wanted to help her out.” Looking at Taryn, he grinned. “Now, I’ll bet you’re an excellent cook.”

  Her cheeks flushed. Why wouldn’t he think that? Anybody that looked at her would assume she was not only a good cook but that she really enjoyed the fruits of her labor. She had to say something to ease her discomfort, but what? If she told the truth, that she was a very good cook, he would know he’d assumed correctly. If she lied and said she couldn’t cook at all, he’d figure Sharris had to be the one who could because it was obvious somebody in the house was putting some good food on Taryn’s plate, and it would just make Sharris more beautiful than ever in his eyes. She turned away, went to the sink and poured herself a glass of water. What did it matter what he thought of either her or Sharris?

  She never heard him get up and had no idea he was behind her until he spoke. “Really, Taryn, we didn’t come here to eat. I have another appointment to meet a man about a job and I just came by to say hello.”

  She turned, directly meeting his eyes. “What kind of job are you looking for?” Finally, something that made a little sense came out of her mouth.

  “Right now, anything I can get. I did construction in California, so I’m sort of looking into that. I can run any kind of heavy equipment, if you know of anybody interested.”

  “I’ll let you know if I hear of anything, and good luck. I hope you find something.”

  A moment later he was gone, leaving her and Suzi alone.

  “So what do you think of him?” Suzi wanted to know.

  What did she think of him? “He seems very nice.”

  “He’s handsome, too, even if he is too skinny. Maybe if he eats enough of my mom’s cooking, he’ll get a little meat on his bones.”

  Too bad she couldn’t give him some of her meat.

  Suzi grinned. “Then, he’ll look like a movie star!”

  She wasn’t exaggerating. John was really nice looking.

  “I don’t think he had enough to eat when he was in California,” Suzi went on, oblivious to Taryn’s thoughts. “Or else he worked all the time and didn’t take time to eat enough.”

  Taryn’s mind returned to the matter at hand. “Are you hungry? I can fix some bacon and eggs."

  Suzi’s eyes lit up. “That sounds really good. I’ll take a plate to the house and if he’s already gone, he can eat it when he gets back. Then, we’ll ride the bikes. It’s another pretty day.”

  Taryn said nothing.

  “You know, it is still winter and we won’t have a lot of these pretty warm days when we can ride.”

  She knew, and she couldn’t help wishing that today wasn’t one of them.

  ∞ SIX ∞

  LANE MONROE AND HIS FAMILY were at church, but not Ottie, who was Lane’s elderly father. Since Lane almost always picked Ottie up from the nursing home and brought him, Taryn and her sisters were immediately concerned. When Taryn asked about him and was told Ottie wasn’t feeling well, she became more worried than ever. Josie was with Ottie every day and she hadn’t mentioned that anything was wrong.

  When they talked about going to visit him, it surprised everyone when Conrad, who was a very good friend of Ottie’s, said he didn’t want to go. If Ottie was sick, he didn’t want to see him that way, he insisted, and if he happened to pass away, he wanted to remember him the way he was before and not as he might be while waiting to draw his last breath. It wound up that Devon took his father home, and Taryn and her two sisters went to the nursing home.

  He was sitting in his wheelchair looking out the window when they entered his room. Taryn, Sharris and Marna exchanged quizzical glances. They’d expected him to be in bed, either asleep or moaning and groaning in pain. As it turned out, to everyone’s relief, he had perked up quickly from his sick spell, as he called it, and he apologized for making everybody worry.

  They talked and laughed, the way they always did when they were together. Marna and Sharris were the first to leave, but Taryn wanted to stay a little longer.

  No sooner were her sisters out of sight than Ottie looked at her seriously. “So, what’s wrong, sweetheart? Don’t tell me you’re still worried about me because you can see I’m just fine.”

  She smiled but her eyes were wistful. “I could lie and say I’m just fine but you’d see right through it, wouldn’t you? The truth is I’m having a hard time getting used to Marna being gone.”

  “You can’t allow your own happiness to be dependent on somebody else, you know. No matter how close you are to any other human being, there’s going to come a time when you won’t have them anymore. Someday they will always leave you, or you will leave them, whether willingly - because you want to - or unwillingly, because of death or other circumstances. The only one who will always be there for you, no matter what, is the Lord.”

  “I know that, but the human part of me still misses my sister so much I can hardly stand it.”

  “But you can see each other often. You were just now together and we were all having a good time. I’ve never seen Marna so happy or so beautiful. Would you deny her that to have her back in the house with you?”

  Her eyes widened. “Oh, no! I’d never do that. I’m really happy for her.”

  “But you’re also jealous.”

  She lowered her eyes.

  “Uh huh, just what I thought. You want what she has, and you’re terrified that you’ll never get it.”

  “I can’t get out and meet people, Ottie. I have a hard time talking and carrying on a conversation. How do I expect a man to get interested in me when I’m so – uninteresting?”

  He laughed. “You? Uninteresting? You’ve fascinated me many times with some of the things you’ve said. And if you can’t carry on a conversation, what are you doing right now, with me?”

  When she spoke again, her voice was very low. “You’re easy to talk to.”

  “Because I’m old?”

  “Maybe because I don’t think you’re looking at me and thinking I’m too fat. Men don’t want fat women.”

  Again, he laughed. “Says who? My Miranda was always on the heavy side, but boy was she fun to cuddle! I wouldn’t have given away a single pound of her. But, back to you, who told you you’re fat?”

  “All I have to do is look in the mirror or put on something I haven’t worn for a while and find out it’s too tight. Nobody else has to say a word.”

  “So stay away from the mirror and don’t put on those old clothes.” Reaching out, he took her hand in his. “How was the church service this morning? What did Pastor Tom preach about?”

  His switch from one subject to another was unexpected but welcome. For several moments, she thought back on the service. “It was very enlightening and inspiring,” she finally said. “Pastor Tom preached a touching sermon on love, stressing the importance of not only loving our family and friends but of showing that love to strangers as well. We never knew, he said, who might be hurting inside where it couldn’t be seen. A kind word, a smile or an unexpected deed could be the very thing that would raise their spirits. Several times, for some unknown reason, when I glanced at John, his eyes were glued to Pastor Tom’s face, as if he were absorbing every word he was saying. Once, I saw a tear slide down his che
ek.”

  “John?”

  “Josie’s brother.”

  “Oh, yes. I’ve yet to meet him. Go on, honey.”

  “I became curious, wondering what John was thinking about. Was it the words of the preacher or something that had happened in his own life? Was he remembering a personal heartache that made him emotional? Was John one of those strangers in need of a friend that the preacher was talking about? The question of my mind surprised me, because John wasn’t a stranger. He was Josie’s brother, Suzi’s uncle. Still, he was a stranger to me.” She paused.

  Ottie waited, saying nothing, but watching her intently. She seemed very interested in John’s thoughts and feelings.

  She went on. “The pastor mentioned the scripture about some strangers actually being angels and no one knowing it. I had to smile, thinking how nice it would be to meet a real angel.” She grinned then. “I’m pretty sure that doesn’t happen, despite the stories we read and the movies we see on TV.”

  “Does it matter?” Ottie asked softly. “Everyone is an angel in the sight of God. You’re very fond of John, aren’t you?”

  “Oh, but I hardly know him! In fact, I don’t know him at all.” Even as she said the words, she knew she did like John, what little she knew of him. How many times since she’d first seen him had her mind gone back to him?

  Ottie laughed, then yawned. At once, he put his hand over his mouth and apologized.

  She stood up. “You’re tired and need to rest. I’m going to go on home now, but I’ll be back soon.” Leaning down, she kissed his withered forehead. “I love you, Ottie. Why can’t you be a few years younger and single?” She grinned.

  So did he.

  As she drove home, she remembered nearly every word of their conversation and it made her happy. But when she walked into her big, empty house, suddenly all she could see was the rest of the day looming long and lonely ahead of her. What was she going to do with it? For that matter, what was she going to do with the rest of her life?