Above the Fear

by Joan Fennell Carringer

  She couldn’t help wondering why the church was so full. Not that she wasn’t happy about it. It was always a good thing, but it was also unusual. It wasn’t until she saw Lane and his family, along with Ottie, that she remembered. A huge smile crossed her lips as she looked at them.

  Ottie was giving his testimony this morning. He wanted to tell everyone of his near death experience. If only she’d remembered before she left the house! Sharris would’ve wanted to be there, no matter how she felt. She could’ve sat by herself in the very back if she really was afraid of passing an illness around. An idea came to her. She would record it on her phone and play it for her sister later. Sometimes modern technology could be wonderful!

  By the time the old man in the wheelchair finished talking, there wasn’t a dry eye in the church. God still had something for him to do, he told everyone, and he wanted everyone to be in prayer that he’d find out what it was so he could do it. Then he preached his own sermon, telling of the many blessings he’d received over the years, how good the Lord had been to him and describing in detail just a few of the times when he knew God had saved him from either great physical harm or even death. Before he finished, he challenged each person there to search his or her heart. It was up to every individual to be sure of his own salvation. God did the calling, but man made his own decision whether or not to answer that call.

  As Ottie sat in his wheelchair in the front of the church, the altar on each side of him began to fill up. The pianist began to play softly as people prayed and cried and sought the will of God.

  Taryn was one of those people at the altar. When she started to stand up again after a heartfelt time of prayer, she was surprised to find John kneeling on the other side of her. Taking her arm, he helped her to her feet, then pulled her into a warm embrace.

  Oh, God! She’d known for a long time she was ready to go to heaven when the time came, but she had no idea she’d get there so soon! She was only in John’s arms for a fraction of a moment, but in that moment, she knew she’d just found more than the love of God. She’d also found the love of her life!

  They walked outside together, neither saying anything until they were away from everyone else.

  “Do you feel better now?” he then asked her, his eyes shining, a smile on his lips.

  Did she ever! In more ways than one. “Oh, I do. Ottie was such an inspiration.”

  “I was greatly inspired. I received the answer I was waiting for, Taryn. I’m going into the ministry.”

  She smiled at him, even as her heart was racing with mixed emotions. She was glad he’d found his true calling, but would it give her a better chance of winning his love – or no chance at all? As the question entered her mind, she felt the old fears trying to seep in. All her insecurities about herself washed over her like a giant tidal wave - her weight, her timidness, her inability to communicate with strangers – none of which would make her a suitable candidate as a minister’s wife. Even as she tried to stop her thoughts, she couldn’t turn them off.

  She knew exactly what was happening. She’d been blessed by the Lord and now Satan was trying to strip her of that blessing. Was she going to let him get away with it? She vaguely heard John saying something else but had no idea what it was. The only clear thought on her mind was that she had to get away from him, that she needed to go pray some more. His last words caught her rapt attention.

  “…..and Bruno was going crazy,” John said. “But I looked all around and didn’t see anybody.”

  He was talking about the night before. She’d been so filled with her own thoughts that she hadn’t even been listening. “Oh, John, do you think it was a prowler?”

  “I do, because Bruno’s never done that before, but if it was, the dog must have scared him off.”

  She was immediately concerned. “My sisters and I have lived in our house for two years now and we’ve never had any trouble.”

  Until I came, John thought, but said nothing. “I’m going to look around some more this afternoon, but I don’t expect to find anything.”

  “Maybe I’ll come over and help you. If you don’t mind.”

  “It’s up to you. Here comes Josie and Suzi. Don’t say anything to them. I don’t want them getting upset. Believe it or not, they never heard the dog barking, but slept right through it.”

  Suzi ran up to Taryn and hugged her. “Will you come eat dinner with us today? Please?”

  “We’d love to have you,” Josie said. “Sharris, too, if she wants to come over. Is she okay? I missed her this morning.”

  “She had a little bit of a headache and decided to sleep some more. She didn’t think it was anything to worry about.”

  “I sure wish she’d been here this morning. What a testimony Ottie gave!”

  Taryn grinned. “I recorded it for her. She’ll still get to hear it.”

  “Aren’t you smart?” John commented.

  Suzi looked at him and grinned. “She’s not only smart, she’s beautiful. Don’t you think she’s beautiful, Uncle John?”

  Taryn was sure her face turned every color in the book, but John simply laughed. Then he took Suzi's hand and squeezed it. “Let’s go home, little one. I’m hungry.” Turning to his sister, he added, “She can ride with me. We’ll meet you at the house.”

  As he and Suzi started walking away, Taryn felt Josie’s eyes on her. Did she know how disappointed and hurt she was that John hadn’t answered Suzi’s question?

  Josie smiled. “Sometimes he wants to say something and can’t quite get it out.”

  Taryn said nothing. She knew the feeling all too well, but had never considered John having it.

  “He likes you, Taryn. Give him a little time.”

  Until Josie said that, she wasn’t aware that her friend knew the feelings she had for her brother.

  Josie sighed. “I just wish he’d let me in on whatever he’s holding inside him. I can’t get over the feeling that something happened to him while he was gone that he either can’t or won’t talk about. He hasn’t – said anything to you, has he?”

  “No.”

  “I shouldn’t have asked you that. There’s no way he’d confide in anybody else before his own family. But one thing is certain. The truth always comes out, whether we want it to or not. I need to run on. I have a few things to do to finish up dinner. You will come?”

  “I’ll come on over after I change my clothes and help you. Thanks for asking, Josie.”

  “Thanks for coming. I get so lonely with Ted gone so much. He’ll be home tomorrow, though, and he’ll be staying for a whole month.” Josie’s eyes lit up as she spoke. “Oh, I can hardly wait!”

  The love in her eyes shone crystal clear. It was the kind of love Taryn wanted someday. Would she ever have it?

  She was surprised to see Suzi running back to her mother before Josie had taken more than a few steps.

  “Uncle John’s on the phone. He told me it might be a long call and I should just ride home with you.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Must be something important.”

  ▬ ▬ ▬

  AS SOON AS SUZI WAS GONE, John listened to what his friend and former pastor in California, Sam Bower, was saying.

  “Norman Moore came to see me last night. He told me he had something on his mind that he couldn’t shake and thought I should know about it.”

  John smiled. “Norman’s a good fellow. I like him.” Norman was one of the few friends he’d left behind in California.

  “He likes you, too. That’s why he was so troubled.”

  John’s eyes narrowed quizzically as he waited for Sam to continue.

  “He said somebody came up to him one day early last week and started asking him questions about you, John. He told Norman he was an old friend of yours who had lost contact and he’d like to see you again. You know Norman. He never hesitates to give information first and think about it later. He told the man you were in North Carolina, even the town where you are, but that he didn’t have the full address. It wa
sn’t until the man left that Norman realized he hadn’t given his name, and Norman started worrying that the man wasn’t a friend at all, that maybe he was somebody from your past that you might not want in your life again.”

  John sighed. Sam and a few of his church friends, which included Norman, were the only ones who knew the sad shape he’d been in before he found the Lord.

  “Norman begged me to get in touch with you and tell you he was sorry if he gave information to the wrong person and he hoped it didn’t cause you any trouble. He was pretty shaken. He kept saying he was glad he didn’t have your phone number to give him.”

  “Did he say what the man looked like?”

  “He said he was a big man with dark hair and a mustache, pleasant looking and dressed neatly.”

  “And that could be anybody.” After a brief pause, John continued. “You haven’t heard anything else, have you?” He didn’t have to tell Sam what he was referring to. He already knew.

  “Not one word about Sheila or Ricky.”

  “Something unusual happened here a couple weeks ago. This old man named Ottie…….” John went on to tell Sam of Ottie’s revelation, concluding with his own thoughts that he believed Ottie really had received the message from God. “I wish he’d told me more,” he finally said. “I’m working for his son, Lane, and Lane had Ottie at his house one day last week. I got to talk to him for a little while, but he told me he had no idea why he’d said what he had, that God had put the words in his mouth, and he didn’t know any more about it than I did. I can’t stop thinking about what he said, that I would find Ricky, but I’d have a surprise when I did.”

  “Perhaps you and Sheila will get back together again.”

  “I thought about that, but the sad thing is, I don’t want it to be true. I mean, I want her to be happy but the only good thing that came from our relationship was Ricky. There was no love between us.” He paused a moment. “I’ve met someone here.”

  Sam listened as John told him about Taryn.

  “But I can’t let her know how I feel with so many unresolved issues in my life. She’s a wonderful person and she deserves better than that.”

  “Are you saying she deserves to know the truth?”

  “Maybe that I’m afraid for her to know it.”

  “Have you told her about Ricky?”

  John swallowed. “No.”

  “Have you told your family?”

  “Not yet – but I will. I just have to work up the nerve to do it. It’s – not an everyday situation, Sam. It’s shameful and disgraceful, and until I can tell it all, I can’t tell any of it. I never told anyone else but you the whole truth, and you know how hard it was for me to do that.”

  “I also know how much better you felt afterward. Everyone’s made mistakes, John, not just you. Anyone who truly cares for you will continue to care, no matter what they discover you’ve done in the past. The past is gone. You have to let it go. Read Isaiah 43, verses 18 and 19. He wants you to forget the past and look to the future. If He can make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert, don’t you think He can help you find your son?”

  ∞ FOURTEEN ∞

  TARYN SMILED when she put on her blue jeans and they were looser than before. Could she have lost a little weight? The thought was exciting, and when she stepped on the scale to see she was five pounds lighter, she nearly shrieked aloud. It was true, she’d been trying to be more careful about what she ate, mainly cutting down on the snacks and sweets, but being an emotional overeater made it difficult.

  Was God letting her know He could take care of those harmful emotions? Ever since that morning in church last Sunday, when she’d earnestly prayed following Ottie’s testimony, she’d felt enlightened in her soul. The happier she was within, the less she felt the need to stuff herself with food. Not to mention that being with John was more satisfying than the effects of an antidepressant! She laughed at the thought that popped into her mind. He did seem to like her. She could tell by the way he looked at her. Even though she still doubted whether or not he could love her as she loved him, she carried the hope in her heart that it might happen. Until it did – and even if it didn’t - she was so happy and contented when she was with him that she didn’t feel the constant need for food.

  God and John. The perfect combination.

  Walking over to her window, she looked outside. It was cloudy and wintry and really cold, having turned that way in the last week. But it wouldn’t be for long. In just a few weeks, it would be spring and……

  Her thoughts stopped abruptly when she noticed a strange black truck sitting on the road beneath Josie’s driveway. It was almost hidden by the trees on the bank above it and she hadn’t seen it at first. Since there was smoke coming from the exhaust, she knew it was running. She kept watching, wondering why it continued to sit there. It was too far away to see if anyone was in it. Could someone be in trouble? Should she go check? She shivered at the last thought. It wasn’t a good idea to face strangers alone.

  Her concentration was shaken when she heard John’s truck starting up next door. It was very loud and every day she knew exactly when he was leaving for work. She smiled and watched as he backed out of the driveway. Apparently, he didn’t see or wasn’t concerned about the truck still sitting there, because he drove right past it and quickly took off down the road.

  A few minutes later, the other truck left as well, turning to go in the same direction. Was someone following John?

  She told herself she was imagining things. Remembrance of the dog’s incessant barking the previous Saturday night came to mind. Could the same person have been prowling around? Was he not stalking John but perhaps had his eye on Josie’s home, maybe planning a robbery or something? She didn’t like the turn of her thoughts. Neither did she like the previous one, that someone was following John, possibly with harmful intent.

  Should she mention it to Josie? She was glad Ted was home. Hadn’t Josie said he’d be home for a month? She’d surely be safe with both Ted and John there. Maybe all this would be over before Ted had to leave again.

  How much longer would John be there? Just this past week, he’d found a permanent position with a local builder. Would he be wanting to move out soon? Maybe he preferred staying with his sister. Maybe he felt protective of her, since Ted was gone so much. Maybe he knew that any money he gave her for his room and board would help her out and he’d rather give it to her than pay rent someplace else. It was a pleasant thought and she hoped it was true.

  She couldn’t help wishing she could see him more often. He went to the Bible study meetings two evenings a week and on the other days, he usually didn’t get in until dark. Of course, darkness came early this time of the year.

  ▬ ▬ ▬

  JOHN HAD NOTICED the truck at the bottom of the driveway and that it followed him the entire way to the jobsite before it disappeared from sight. If Sam hadn’t told him that someone was asking questions about him, he wouldn’t have thought about it twice. It would have just seemed like a coincidence. Now, he couldn’t help wondering.

  It was a long ways from California to North Carolina. Even if he was being sought after there, a person would have to have a very good reason to take the search this far. He’d done things in his past he was ashamed of but nothing he could think of that would be serious enough for anything like that. Besides, he’d been living a good life for the last two years, even though he’d only been living for the Lord for six months. If someone was after him for something, he would have tried to find him a whole lot sooner.

  He sighed, put on his hard hat, and went to work. Every once in a while, he had the distinct feeling that he was being watched and found himself turning to see if someone was trying to get his attention. There was no one there but the other workers and they were all busy, paying no attention to him at all. It had to be his imagination. Ever since he’d talked to Sam and was sure he’d been followed to work, he’d been on edge.

  He was glad when lunchtime cam
e and all the guys got together to eat, laugh and joke around. The rest of the day passed without incident, and by quitting time, he was sure his nerves had been riled up for no reason.

  His phone started ringing before he got home and he answered without looking at the caller ID.

  “John, this is Josie. Can you run by the nursing home and see Ottie before you come home?”

  As much as he loved the old man, John was tired and wanted to do nothing more than to take a shower, eat supper and relax. “Is something wrong? He’s not sick again, is he?”

  “He seems fine, but he called me in to his room just before I left work and told me he needs to talk to you as soon as possible, and he hoped it could be today. I’m just relaying his message.”

  “I’ll run by. Thanks, sis.” Turning around quickly, he started in the direction of the nursing home. What could be so important that Ottie had to see him right away? He thought of what he’d told him just before everyone was sure he was going to die. Had he received another revelation? John couldn’t help smiling. He sure would like to know more, especially if Ottie had any idea when he could expect to find his son, and he was extremely interested in the surprise that was waiting when he did. But what if it wasn’t a good surprise, but something that would make him unhappy instead of happy?

  Ottie was sitting in the recreation room and had just finished his supper. When he saw John, he grinned and told him to wheel him to his room where they could talk in private.

  John was more curious than ever.

  “You look like you’ve had a busy day,” the old man stated as they started down the hallway together. “I worked construction one time. Hard work, but it kept me in good physical shape. Every man needs to do some hard work a few times in his life. It’s what makes the world go round, and if they don’t have to do it all the time, they need to be able to appreciate the ones that do.”