Guts & Glory: Ryder (In the Shadows Security Book 2)

by Jeanne St. James

  “Because sometimes I want to tell her what Pierce did to me, and other times I don’t want her to ever know. Depends on how pissed I get at her.”

  “Why pissed?” Rissa had a pad and pen on the small wooden folding table next to her, but not once had she picked it up in all the sessions they’d had together. Maybe the woman had a mind like a trap and made notes afterward.

  “Because she sat across from me eating chicken fucking marsala clueless to what I’ve been through. What situation she put me in. What her lies cost me.”

  Rissa lifted a shoulder. “So tell her. Be open about it with her.”

  “I can’t,” Kelsea whispered, her heartburn suddenly flaring up. She rubbed at her chest.

  “Do you want her to apologize for what she did?”

  “She did.”

  “Yes, she apologized for never telling you who your father was. But what about the rest?”

  Yes.

  No.

  “I don’t know. It won’t change anything.”

  “It won’t change the past, but maybe it’ll settle some things between you two to get it all out in the open. And you’ll have let go of the blame that you’re holding bottled up inside you.”

  “Maybe.”

  Rissa stared at her for a few seconds. When she did that Kelsea swore the woman could see right into her soul. She had a spooky knack.

  “Only when you’re ready, Kelsea. Don’t force it. Tell her when the time is right for you, but be prepared for her reactions.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of.” Kelsea met Rissa’s gentle gaze. “I’m afraid her reaction will spur,” she squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, “things inside me and I’ll end up on a bender.”

  “You can call me anytime.”

  “I know.” The woman was more than generous with her time and patience.

  “I was hoping that moving into your own apartment and then spending only short amounts of time with her would help ease the rift. Doesn’t seem to be.”

  “I thought it might, too. Even so, I’m glad I’m out on my own. I’m starting to feel like a responsible adult again. Though some might argue and say I never was. But having my own place, a good job and a relationship with my sister...”

  “You’ve reconnected with the DAMC ladies, too.”

  Kelsea smirked at the term “ladies.” “Yes.”

  “That has to feel good.”

  “It does.” And that was true. She didn’t realize how much she missed them until she started joining in on their “meetings of the sisterhood” again.

  “Have you told any of them yet?”

  “No.”

  “You don’t have to. No one needs to know.”

  She thought about talking to Diamond, but she was currently happy with her ol’ man and their young son. Di had her own family now and a successful business. Kelsea didn’t want to dredge up any of that shit with her, causing that happiness to dampen.

  Diamond’s secret had come out into the open unexpectedly when Pierce boasted about taking her virginity. After that night, no one ever saw him again.

  They all knew the man had been dealt with, they just didn’t know the details.

  “Last time you were here, you said Coop asked you out. Did you accept yet?”

  “I can’t. He’s a prospect.”

  Rissa sighed and shook her head. “What does that matter?”

  She didn’t know much about the club life besides what Kelsea told her. Mercy wasn’t a part of the MC, so the woman didn’t live the life like the rest of the club sisterhood.

  “It would threaten his chances on becoming patched. Once he’s patched over in the next couple months, it would be different.”

  “Will you say yes then?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You said he’s sweet.”

  Kelsea smothered her snort. “He’s a biker. You don’t ever call a biker sweet.”

  Rissa laughed. “So, he isn’t?”

  “He is. But you just don’t point it out.”

  “Then there’s potential there,” she insinuated.

  No, there wasn’t. As hot as Coop was, as “sweet” as the club prospect had been with Kelsea, she had no interest in him. She didn’t blow him off when she ran into him, but she also didn’t encourage him.

  She had another man still too fresh on her mind.

  “Have you heard from him?”

  Her attention went back to Rissa. “Who? Coop?”

  “Ryder.”

  It took her a few moments to answer because she had to fight back the sharp sting in her eyes the pain of hearing his name caused. “No.”

  “They’re stubborn,” was all she said. There was no doubt that Rissa was talking about her own man, too. “I get it. Sometimes it’s like beating your head against a wall.”

  “But you deal with it.”

  One corner of Rissa’s lip curved up. “I do. But every day is certainly a challenge. These men aren’t easy.”

  “I’m not, either,” Kelsea admitted.

  “No, and though I don’t know Ryder’s background, I can assume he’s dealt with some of the same issues as Ryan and probably the rest of the Shadows have.”

  “Who?”

  Rissa shook her head and her half smile turned into a full smile. “Mercy.” Then a second later her smile dropped. “You and Ryder may not be the best choice for each other. I don’t know if he has his own demons to fight and if he does, what they entail. These guys can have triggers, especially if they’re struggling with PTSD. I know you may think differently, but being with you might not be the best thing for him since—and we’ve talked about this already—you’re dealing with it, too.”

  “For different reasons,” Kelsea reminded her.

  “That doesn’t matter. He probably knows what’s best for his mental health.”

  “And I’m a threat to that.”

  “Could be.”

  Though that wasn’t what she wanted to hear, she had no choice but to accept it. She didn’t want to hurt Ryder in any way, even unintentionally.

  It was time for her to move on. She couldn’t be stuck waiting for a man who may never show up.

  One thing Rissa had taught her was that for years, Kelsea allowed her life and her actions to be affected by a man. It was time for her not to allow anyone that power any more. Whether that man was Pierce or even Ryder. It was time for her to be happy and the only person who could ensure that happiness was herself.

  That power was now in her own two hands.

  If she failed, it was no one’s fault but her own.

  And she wasn’t about to fail.

  Ryder slapped his cards face down and let his gaze circle the table. He hadn’t missed poker night since he no longer chased Kelsea’s ass down in the seediest of places.

  He grabbed his lit cigar out of the ashtray near his elbow and puffed on it, letting the smoke encircle him. If he had to allow himself a vice, he guessed chomping on a stogie while playing poker wasn’t a bad one.

  And safer than the other one he’d considered. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed vixen who could be a tempting, but dangerous addiction.

  The house they were sitting in was just a shell. The framing of the walls exposed because the plumbers and electricians had recently finished installing the pipes and wiring.

  “When you movin’ in?” he asked Mercy, who sat on a green plastic chair that bowed under his weight at the end of a cheap plastic table.

  “When the fucking house is finished,” Mercy said around his cigar, a swirl of smoke rising above his head.

  “Ain’t she gonna be pissed we’re smoking cigars in here?” Brick asked at the other end of the table. He lifted a glass to his lips and downed the remainder of his whiskey in one swallow.

  Ryder could imagine how smooth that whiskey tasted going down. His gaze landed on the bottle sitting like a beacon in the middle of the table.

  “Who’s gonna tell her?” Mercy asked Brick with his scarred brow cocked.


  “The stink’s gonna tell her,” Steel answered, clipping the tip off his own stogie and lighting it.

  “Look at you getting all domestic and shit,” Hunter ribbed Mercy. “Got a woman who can deal with your black heart, building a house and now living together. Part-time now, full-time soon. Next, you’ll be sliding a ring on that finger.”

  All eyes turned to Mercy and he pulled the cigar from his lips. “Fucking jealous you don’t have a piece like mine.”

  Hunter’s jaw got tight. “Right, instead of getting laid by some classy piece of ass, I’m chasing down a biker’s brother who may not even fucking exist.” He picked up his bottle of Iron City beer and guzzled half of it.

  “Haven’t come up with any leads yet?” Ryder asked him, surprised since Hunter was one of D’s best trackers.

  Hunter shook his head. “Not fucking one. And if he truly exists, then I would’ve come across something by now. I think this has all been a wild goose chase and a waste of my fucking time and skills.”

  “You’re getting paid for it, so stop your fucking bitching,” Walker told him, sorting his cards with one eye open and one squeezed shut like it helped him see better or some such shit.

  “Shut up, asshole, and ante up,” Hunter said, jamming his cigar back between his lips.

  “Why does Slade even care about finding a long-lost sibling?” Brick asked.

  “’Cause maybe he never had a real family and wants one?” Ryder suggested, finding himself a little more annoyed with that question than he normally would be.

  “He’s got Diamond and Hudson now. He’s got a family,” Brick stated, telling them something they already knew.

  Mercy slammed his hand on the plastic table and everything on it jumped an inch off the thin plastic surface. The Jack bottle toppled over, drawing Ryder’s eyes back to it. He gritted his teeth at the sudden urge to feel that smooth whiskey sliding down his throat to dull some of his unwanted urges he’d been fighting.

  Mercy barked, “’Cause it’s what the man wants. Who fucking gives a shit? He’s paying the bill. Are we here to play poker or chit-chat like a bunch of pussies?”

  “What’s up your ass?” Steel asked him.

  “He’s feelin’ that noose tightenin’ up around his fuckin’ neck, that’s what,” Ryder said, just like he was feeling that call of booze tightening around his own throat, too. Normally it didn’t bother him to be around his teammates when they drank. Tonight, for some reason, it was getting to him.

  He needed to dig deep for his willpower and ignore that siren’s call.

  Mercy slammed his cards down on the table making it wobble again. “The whole point of poker night is to let off steam in a safe place, not to talk fucking shop. But you assholes wanna talk shop, then let’s talk shop.” He jabbed a long finger toward Hunter. “D’you even go talk to Rocky at Greene? He’s the fucker who started this whole goddamn thing.”

  Hunter snorted. “Yeah. But he wouldn’t talk to me since he didn’t know me and I’m not DAMC. Said to bring Jewel and his grandbabies back next time and maybe he’d tell me what he knows.”

  “Fucking bikers are stubborn as fuck,” Steel grumbled.

  “Well, there you go,” Mercy said to Hunter. “Get Diesel to bring Jewel and the girls.”

  “She doesn’t want her girls at a max security prison to go visit their grandfather who’s a fucking murderer. Would you?”

  No one could argue that fact.

  “What did D say about Rocky’s demand?” Ryder asked Hunter.

  “He grunted and scowled.”

  “Well, that could mean just about anything with him,” Brick said, squinting as he puffed on his cigar and sorted his hand of cards.

  “No shit. But I need to hear everything Buzz said before Rocky and Doc gutted the man. I need something to go on. Besides some random rambling of a man doing life without parole.”

  “Buzz is Slade’s pop, right?” Steel asked.

  “Was,” Hunter corrected him.

  “How fucked up is that shit? Diamond marrying and having a baby with the son of the man her own father butchered,” Brick said with a shake of his head.

  “And his father murdered Crow’s parents,” Ryder reminded them.

  “Never ending pile of twisted shit,” Mercy mumbled, grabbing the Jack Daniels from the center of the table and refilling his glass.

  Ryder’s eyes were glued to Mercy as he lifted that glass to his lips and swallowed the Jack down.

  Fuck, his urge was strong tonight and his willpower weak.

  This was not good.

  He turned his head and saw Steel watching him intently. Steel lifted his chin slightly toward the sliders that lead to the back deck. The man’s plastic chair squealed when he pushed it away from the table. “Gotta take a piss.”

  As he opened the sliders, Ryder also stood, saying, “Me, too.”

  “You two gonna hold each other’s dicks or something?” Brick yelled. “I mean, only females go to the bathroom together. Unless you two need to tell us something.”

  “Fuck you, asshole,” Ryder grumbled, flipping him the bird. “You only wish you could hold my massive cock.”

  Ryder slid the glass door closed and carefully made his way over to the edge of the partially finished deck where Steel really was taking a piss.

  After Steel shook it off and tucked it away, he turned to face Ryder. Even in the dark, he could see the other man’s concerned but angry expression. “I gotta beat your fucking ass again? Are you needing a reminder of how that shit was fucking up your life?”

  “Got it under control.”

  “When you’re staring at a bottle of whiskey like it’s the best pussy you ever had, I don’t think you do.” Steel shook his head. “Brother, you haven’t been the same since you got back from Kentucky. You let that DC get under your skin?”

  Ryder sucked in a sharp breath, his fingers curling into fists by his side.

  Steel spread his feet and rolled his neck. “I see you gearing up, brother. I see it even in the dark. So you let her worm her way in, didn’t you?”

  “I didn’t let her do shit.”

  “The fuck you didn’t. You never responded like that to her nickname before.”

  “Never said I liked it.”

  “Never said it bothered you, either.” Steel tilted his head, his eyes narrowed. “Can I stand down?”

  “Yeah,” Ryder answered, forcing his fingers flat against his thighs.

  “Telling you, you swing at me, it’s on. And you’ll end up like you did last time.”

  He’d be a fool to take on Steel, someone who trained constantly in a mix of martial arts and boxing. He spent more time at Shadow Valley Fitness, the business that Slade and Di ran, than he did at his own place or even at the warehouse. The man was a machine and he could break a man’s neck with a single twist. “She ain’t just a job, is she?”

  “She was a job.”

  “Was,” Steel repeated.

  “Job’s over.”

  “Not sure that’s what you meant.”

  “You heard what I said,” Ryder grumbled.

  Steel shook his head, planted his hands on his hips and turned to stare out into the dark woods behind the house. “You got it bad.”

  “No.”

  “Then you’re fooling yourself. Is it because you want her or because you’re denying that you want her that’s tempting you to pick up the bottle again?”

  “I haven’t drank.”

  “Yet.” Steel turned back toward Ryder. “Dude, I get it. Shit gets lonely sometimes. Those cravings get strong, start tugging at you. Especially at night in the dark in your bed by yourself. But that one, she ain’t good for you. She’s a fucking mess. Go find some other pussy to relieve the tension. Eventually you’ll find one who will grab your attention long enough to forget her.”

  Problem was, he didn’t want any other pussy. Right now, he had one woman on his brain. Even though he knew she wasn’t good for him, he couldn’t wipe her from
his mind.

  But the last thing he wanted was to find himself back in the bottom of a hole trying to claw his way back out.

  They heard the back door slide open, pulling their attention. It wasn’t hard to recognize who it was because Mercy was taller than all of them.

  “You two done whacking each other off?” Mercy jerked his chin at Steel and, without a word, Steel went back inside, closing the door behind him.

  Mercy rounded on Ryder. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. Just had to piss.”

  “Bullshit.”

  Both of them said nothing for a few seconds. The only sound in the night was an owl hooting and what could be some frogs chirping in the distance.

  “She’s still seeing Rissa twice a week, right?” Ryder asked.

  “Who?”

  Now Mercy was just being a dick on purpose. “You know who.”

  “Why do you care?”

  “Because I worry about her.” He worried about her every fucking minute of every fucking day.

  “She’s fine.”

  That didn’t make him feel much better. “Rissa tell you that?”

  “She can’t give me specifics, but I do know she moved out of her mother’s a few days after you brought her home.”

  Ryder pretended not to know that, though he already did. It didn’t even take three days before she moved into the vacant apartment above her uncle’s pawn shop.

  A few times, from a distance, he’d watched her come home to make sure she got into her apartment at night safely. And he’d stick around just long enough to see she hadn’t headed back out after she did so.

  A few times he’d hopped on his Harley and followed her up to her sister’s interior design shop right outside of Pittsburgh. From what he’d seen, she’d been doing what she said she would and also what Diesel told her she needed to do.

  Staying sober, staying away from certain people, continuing to see Rissa and taking her job with Brooke seriously. He was relieved that Kelsea was getting her life under control.

  Helping her had taken a bit of a toll on him. But it was nothing he couldn’t deal with. Steel was right, he just needed to find a distraction until he forgot all about her.

  “She’s doing good,” Mercy said.

  “Good.”

  “But you know that already. Just like you also fucking know where she’s living.”