Guts & Glory: Ryder (In the Shadows Security Book 2)

by Jeanne St. James

  “This club don’t need another war, woman, so don’t be the reason to start one. Got me?”

  Blah. Blah. Blah. Just agree so you can get the fuck out of there. “Yeah, got you. That it?”

  He shook his dark head. “No. Gonna start seein’ Rissa on the regular. This one ain’t negotiable, either. She’s gonna determine how often an’ when. Better show up to every one of those fuckin’ appointments. Every fuckin’ one. Mercy’s gonna be reportin’ back to me, too, since she’ll be reportin’ to him. Gonna sic his ass on you if you skip out. He ain’t gonna be as accomodatin’ as Ryder here if he has to find your ass. Fuckin’ promise you that. He’s got a woman, he ain’t gonna be swayed with pussy.”

  Kelsea’s mouth dropped open, but she decided it was safer to keep her thoughts to herself on that particular point. She sensed Ryder moving restlessly behind her.

  D’s dark gaze lifted over her shoulder to him. “Got a fuckin’ problem with what I just said?”

  “No.” Finally another word managed to escape the man behind her.

  “Lucky you got a fuckin’ job after pullin’ that bullshit. It’s one thing to be straightenin’ that ass out, another to be tappin’ it. Crossed the line, brother. You know it, I know it.” Ryder must have started to say something because D raised his palm. “That discussion ends here. All that shit also ends here. Got me?” D pushed to his feet, planted his knuckles on his desk and leaned forward to roar, “Got me?”

  “That was the plan,” Ryder said behind her, his voice tight.

  It was? She glanced over her shoulder at Ryder, but he was making eye contact with D and his jaw looked as hard as concrete.

  Well, at least now she knew where she stood with him. They were simply a distraction to each other. Something to pass the time in a place where there wasn’t much to do. Except each other.

  If that’s all it was for him, then she was fine with that.

  Wasn’t she?

  She turned back to D. “You can’t dictate who I—”

  “Not one more fuckin’ word, woman. You’ve fuckin’ proven time an’ time again that you’ve made shitty motherfuckin’ choices. That ends here today.” He jammed his index finger a couple of times into his desk. “Today. Got me? You never had a father an’ Ace is too fuckin’ old to be dealin’ with your ass. Wants to be enjoyin’ his grandbabies, not teachin’ a lesson to a child who should be an adult. So that puts it on my shoulders an’ these fuckin’ shoulders have enough weight on ‘em. You ain’t gonna be one of those anymore. Today all that shit stops. Gonna follow my rules an’ do it with a fuckin’ smile. You ain’t just DAMC, but you’re blood. You’re a Dougherty, so act like it an’ treat our family name like it means somethin’ to you.”

  Kelsea waited for the “or else” but that didn’t come. She lifted her chin. “And if I don’t?”

  “Don’t wanna test me, woman,” was all he growled before landing heavily back in his chair. “Now get the fuck outta my office. Mercy stay. Ryder take her ass to her mother’s. No stoppin’ for a quick fuck on the way, either. Got me?”

  “Yeah, boss,” Ryder grumbled as he snagged her elbow and began to steer her around.

  They stopped short when Jewel opened the office door, carrying Indie and holding Violet’s hand as the little girl toddled next to her. She shot Kelsea a look of relief and shoved the baby at her. “Can you hold her for a sec? I need to run to the bathroom.”

  “You don’t look so great,” Kelsea said as Indie was shoved into her arms and Jewel picked up Vi, handing her quickly to Mercy.

  “You look green,” Mercy agreed, the tall man taking Violet without a complaint.

  Jewel’s whole body heaved as she covered her mouth with her hand.

  “Don’t think she’s gonna make it to the bathroom,” Ryder warned, dropping Kelsea’s elbow and grabbing a nearby trash can, just in time for Jewel to hurl into it.

  Kelsea wrinkled her nose and covered it with her hand, trying not to gag at both the smell and the sound. She swallowed down the saliva pooling in her mouth.

  “What the fuck, woman?” Diesel bellowed, coming around the desk and snagging Indie from Kelsea’s arms. His dark brown eyes swung from the trash can Jewel held in a death grip to her face, which was now pale with a slightly green tint.

  Mercy pinned his lips flat, but his gray eyes held amusement as he stared at Jewel. He shot Ryder a look, who shook his head and quickly wiped away his grin with his hand.

  Jewel waved a hand around, after wiping her mouth. “Honey...”

  “Better have the fuckin’ flu,” Diesel barked.

  “I...”

  “Jewelee,” D groaned. “For fuck’s sake...”

  “Fuck, there’s no more room in this office for another kid,” Ryder stated.

  “Don’t need more room, she just needs medicine or somethin’,” Diesel insisted, suddenly wearing an expression of panic, which the man probably only wore twice before in his life. Every time Jewel announced she was pregnant.

  “Or something,” Mercy said with a smirk.

  “What she needs is for you to stop sticking your dick in her,” Kelsea exclaimed. “Jesus. You got her pregnant again?”

  “Ain’t pregnant,” Diesel answered with a scowl. “Ain’t pregnant,” he repeated, pinning his gaze on his ol’ lady. “Better not be fuckin’ knocked up again, woman.” When Jewel didn’t answer, he blew out a loud breath and scrubbed a hand over his short hair. “Better tell me you ate somethin’ bad.”

  “Maybe she should be swallowing—” Kelsea started but Ryder grabbed her elbow tightly and dragged her from the office.

  “You’re not helpin’ things,” he muttered as he guided her down the hallway.

  “But if she’s pregnant again—”

  “Not your business.”

  She jerked at her arm but he didn’t let go. “But it’s okay that he’s in mine?”

  “He’s lookin’ out for you, darlin’. That’s what family does.”

  “How would you know since you don’t have any?”

  Ryder came to an abrupt halt and spun her to face him, his face tight. “Family ain’t always blood, Kelsea. I told you that you need to start appreciatin’ the people around you. I thought you got that. Apparently, I’m wrong.”

  The last part sounded like disappointment and that made her heart squeeze painfully. He was the last person she wanted to disappoint. Kelsea sucked in a lungful of air, then slowly released it. “You’re not wrong,” she murmured. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head to clear it. “I’m not ready to come back here.”

  “Yeah, you are. Just do what you gotta do and you’ll be fine.”

  She tilted her head and met his green eyes. “How do you know?”

  “Because I’ve lived it, darlin’.” He softened his grip on her elbow. “You got that fire in you, you just need to let it light the way.”

  “It’s that easy,” she whispered.

  “No, darlin’, it’s gonna be hard, but I know you can do it. D’s right. The first step is to separate yourself from the people who were pullin’ you down. Your roommates weren’t helpin’. Slash and every other dick you were ridin’ weren’t, either. You also need to fix things with your mother. You need a purpose to get up every morning, which will be your job with Brooke. And you need to talk to someone who’s gonna help you understand the turmoil that will bubble up from time to time. That’s gonna be Rissa. And I’m tellin’ you that shit will never completely go away but you’ll learn to deal with it.” He gently brushed a lock of hair out of her face. “You might think D’s rules suck. You might think he has no right to dictate your life. But, darlin’, he loves you and is only tryin’ to help.”

  “Just like you tried to help.”

  “Hope I was successful somewhat.”

  “And now your job is done,” she said flatly.

  “Yeah, darlin’, my job is done.”

  As she stared at him, his eyes slid to the side. He wouldn’t look at her directly. Why?r />
  “You’re done with me,” she said more firmly, hoping he’d meet her eyes again.

  “Yeah. My job is done,” he repeated.

  “You’re going to collect your paycheck and move on to the next job.”

  His eyes slid back. “You’re beatin’ a dead horse there, darlin’.”

  She nodded. “Then I guess there’s nothing left to say.” She tried to swallow the lump lodged in her throat.

  She was disappointed when he didn’t argue that fact. Instead, he pushed the door open to the back parking lot and waited for her to step out.

  She did and when the door slammed shut behind them, she realized how final that sounded.

  He’d said nothing on the four-plus hour trip back to Shadow Valley in regard to where they would go from here. And she hadn’t asked.

  Now, she figured that last little conversation back at the warehouse had said it all. She knew from the beginning she was his “job,” so she shouldn’t let it affect her.

  But it did. And as he pulled the Scout up to her mother’s cabin that was situated on her Uncle Ace’s farm, she felt the deep pull of dread in the pit of her stomach.

  She wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready to face the woman who she had loved and trusted, but turned out had lied to her her whole life.

  “I can’t do this,” she murmured under her breath as she stared out of the windshield at the small cabin she grew up in. It was nothing like Ryder’s cabin in the mountains. This one had been built as a rental unit along with other cabins that sat in a line behind the main farmhouse where her uncle and aunt lived. Most of them had tenants, but her mother lived in one and her Aunt Allie another. Their family had always been close. Until recently.

  “You can, darlin’,” he responded softly, shutting off the Scout but not moving to get out. “It’s time you two made peace.”

  “Peace was up on that mountain, on that rock watching the sunrise.”

  “Can’t stay up there forever.”

  She turned in her seat to study his profile. “Why not?”

  “Because unless you’re independently wealthy, you need a job for food, propane, electricity. Shit like that. You’re not wealthy and neither am I.”

  As she opened her mouth to ask him if they could afford it, would he stay up there on that mountain with her. Would he want that? To be with her if things were different?

  But before the first word could escape, he pushed open the driver’s door and got out, going around to the back of the truck to grab the few things she brought back with her from Kentucky.

  She continued to stare at the cabin and wondered if her mother was inside also dreading the conversation both of them needed to have.

  Ryder opened the passenger door, leaned his forearm against the top of the door frame and leaned in.

  Kelsea fought the urge to shove her face into his chest and inhale his now familiar scent for probably the last time.

  Life was so not fair.

  But she knew that, she had told herself she would do better, be better, so now she had to deal with the shit that had been splattered on her. She needed to wipe it off, lift her head and be strong.

  She had no choice unless she wanted to go back to floundering and being a huge let-down to everyone she knew.

  She suddenly missed the club sisterhood and hoped she could reconnect with them again. They were family. True family.

  And one thing she knew from growing up in the DAMC was that not all family was blood. Ryder was right, but she didn’t need him to tell her that. She knew that since she was born.

  Ryder waited patiently, his forehead pressed against his forearm, his green eyes intense as he studied her. Was this really it for them?

  His low voice, the one that had sang so many songs in the past ten days, swept through her, but instead of creating the warmth it normally did, it gave her a chill. “You gonna tell your mom?”

  “Tell her what?”

  She turned her head to see his lifted brow. Their faces were only inches apart. The mouth he’d used to skillfully kiss, suck and lick every inch of her body right there. Within reach.

  She turned away before she lowered herself to the point of begging and stared back out of the windshield to avoid his searching gaze. She cleared her throat, hoping to reduce the tightness there. “I don’t think so.”

  She expected him to disagree with that decision, but he didn’t. “Talk to Rissa ‘bout it first. See what she recommends. You tellin’ your mom might just make her feel guiltier and that might not help either of you. But I’m not the expert.”

  No, he wasn’t, but the man had some good instincts. “Rissa is a sex therapist.”

  “She’s still a licensed therapist, darlin’, and she’s family. She’s gonna care ‘bout you more than any stranger would.”

  How did he know that? She’d never even met the woman. “I don’t even know her.”

  From the corner of her eye, she could see his soft smile. “She was inducted into the club sisterhood without them even askin’ her. So you’re gonna get to know her one way or another.”

  “Not sure I’ll want to hang out with someone socially who will know all my secrets.”

  “She’s a good woman, Kelsea. She’s not gonna judge you. Hell, she’s with Mercy. With all the shit that man’s done in his life, she doesn’t judge him.”

  “She loves him?”

  “Assume so. Why else would she put up with his fuckin’ ass?”

  He chuckled but that died quickly when she turned to face him and asked, “Why’d you put up with mine?”

  A muscle in his jaw flexed, but he didn’t answer her.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  She caught his slight flinch.

  “I’m sorry for everything you had to do for me. I’m sorry that you were the one who had to step in time and time again. I’m sorry that you were so tired of saving my ass that you had to resort to something desperate by taking me up to your personal haven. I’m sorry I fought you in the beginning and I was unappreciative. I promise you will never have to do that again.”

  He closed his eyes for a long moment and when he opened them, they were darker than normal. “Just you apologizin’, darlin’, made it all worthwhile.”

  She doubted that.

  “But you’re right, I’ll never have to do it again. Because you’ll never be in those situations again.”

  He was so confident. If he could be, so could she.

  He stepped back, unblocking the passenger door. “Now, time for you to go settle things with your mother. Remember, she’s the only one you got. If shit gets outta hand between you two, go take a walk to cool off. Call Brooke. Call Rissa. Call somebody...”

  Just not you.

  “Then lift your head up and try again. Yeah?”

  She nodded.

  He picked her stuff up off the ground at his feet. “I’ll walk you to the door. Then it’s all on you.”

  She climbed out of the Scout and followed him to the front door of the cabin. He set the stuff down and turned to her. She held her breath when he reached out and swept his thumb down her cheek. “You’ve got this.”

  I just don’t have you.

  She lifted her face when he pressed a kiss to her forehead and then turned. Kelsea watched his broad back and his narrow hips as his long stride made quick work of returning to his truck.

  And every step he took farther away from her made her skin start to itch and her anxiety begin to rise.

  “Dwight!”

  He hesitated as he reached for his driver’s side door, and he looked back over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

  It hit her then why he was leaving, why this wouldn’t work between them. At least not now, maybe not ever.

  She had transferred her crutch of drugs, alcohol and random sex to the man who stood waiting patiently for her to respond.

  She hadn’t seen it. But he did.

  He had said she needed to do this on her own and by him sticking around, she’
d end up leaning on him too much.

  She needed to stand on her own two feet.

  Maybe once she accomplished that...

  She shook her head and swallowed. “Thank you.”

  He dropped his gaze to the ground at his feet for what seemed like forever. Then he lifted his head, nodded and got in his Scout.

  Before he was even out of sight, she inhaled a deep breath and opened the door to the cabin, stepping inside.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “How did dinner go with your mother the other night?” Rissa asked before taking a sip of her iced coffee.

  Kelsea sighed and leaned back on the couch. The office Mercy’s woman had rented for her new counseling services was pretty sparse at this point. She had explained that between going back and forth to Vegas and tying up loose ends with her house and patients there, she didn’t have time to finish decorating.

  But since Kelsea was now back working for Brooke, she had offered to help design it. Rissa jumped on that, so after their regular session today, they would sit down after analyzing Kelsea and analyze Rissa’s office space instead.

  Rissa also agreed for Kelsea to decorate their new house in the DAMC compound that Mercy and she were having built. She would do it in exchange for all the time Kelsea had spent bending her ear.

  She had grown really fond of the woman. Ryder was right, Rissa hadn’t judged once. But instead, had been teaching Kelsea techniques how to deal with things when they became overwhelming and was tempted to bolt to the nearest liquor store, club or bar. Or find someone to party with until her memories were once again wiped out.

  One thing she didn’t have a desire to do was go find Slash or some random fuck.

  But she did struggle not to hunt down Ryder. She swore she had stopped herself from calling him over a thousand times in the last few weeks. Even to simply give him an update on her progress.

  But that would only be an excuse to hear his deep voice because she missed that and his damn country music. But only when he was singing it.

  “The whole thing was tense,” Kelsea finally answered about her dinner with her mother.

  “Why?”