I miss Leo so much, Wolfe.
I miss you, too.
Let me know what you think of the picture, okay? I can’t wait to hear from you.
Forever,
December
December,
Hey, girl. It was so good to get your letter and the picture of the two of you. You’re right, he’s adorable. He looks just like you. He has your eyes. And you look great, too. Did you cut your hair? I like it.
I think Leo would be proud of your son, December.
I did hear you crying at the hearing. I hated it. I’m sorry you were so upset. I’m so sorry this is all so hard. I wish I could make it all go away, too. In the moment, it just seemed like the right thing to do. It still does, to be honest. If I had to do it over again, I’d do the exact same thing.
Prison is a completely different world. I guess I’ll get used to it. Everyone in here is so hard, and that is probably the most difficult part of it all. I have a good cellmate, though, so that’s a good thing. His name is Spike, but I don’t really want to know why, so I haven’t asked yet. He’s been in here a long time already, so he’s showing me the ropes. He sleeps a lot, but there’s not much else to do, other than work out and go to our jobs. We both work in the kitchen. Mainly, I spend my nighttime hours reading. There’s nothing like a good book to help me escape my reality for a few hours. It’s the coming back down that gets me. The bars are a constant reminder of where I am and why, and so it's hard to forget for any real length of time. Spike says that’s why he sleeps so much. His dreams are his escape.
We have a tiny window and sometimes, I can see the moon hanging over the barbed wire in the distance. I stare at it and wonder if it looks the same where you are. It probably does. I’m not that far away.
Overall, it’s not as bad as I imagined. Of course, I had plenty of time to imagine the worst while I was in Juvie waiting for my sentencing, so I guess I’m beginning to breathe a little easier now that I see it’s not a constant violent riot, which is what I was imagining. I guess I got lucky, only getting fifteen years. My lawyers said it was because I hadn’t turned eighteen yet and I didn’t have any priors. It’s weird being in an adult prison now. But I guess I’m an adult now. We both are, huh?
December, I want you to move on with your life. Raise your boy, be a good mama to him, and be good to yourself. Don’t spend all your time thinking about me. I’m alright. I made this decision. I want to say you don’t owe me anything, but you do - you owe it to me to give the both of you a good life, okay? You’re the reason I’m here, but not in a bad way. Leo would have wanted it this way. He would have wanted your son to have both of his parents in his life.
Just do that, and all of this will be worth it.
I miss you, too, don’t ever think I don’t.
Someday this will all be over.
It’s only time, right?
Forever,
Wolfe
Wolfe,
It was so nice to hear from you. Sorry it took me a minute to write back. Being a mother is time consuming, and some days, I don’t even have time to take a shower. My life consists of breastfeeding and changing diapers and spending hours trying to get Leo to nap. I’m not complaining, though. I realize more every day just how blessed I am.
You probably don’t want me to spend a lot of time talking about ‘what happened’, so I won’t. But I just want to say thank you. I’ll be in gratitude to you for the rest of our lives. And I promise I’ll make sure that Leo knows who you are and what a wonderful man you are. And I promise that what you did won’t be in vain. I’ll make sure Leo has a great life, Wolfe, and I’ll be a good mama, just like you asked.
I got a letter from the prison that I’m approved to visit you now. I’m going to try to come down next month, if our car will make it. Shane’s been using it to deliver pizzas lately, so it’s getting a lot of use. I’ll bring Leo, I can’t wait for you to meet him. Who else is on your visitors list? Do you need me to bring anything or mail you anything? Shane doesn’t make much money, and I can’t get a job yet because hiring a babysitter is so expensive, so I’ve just been staying home and taking care of him. My parents help a little, but to be honest, their health is failing. Leo’s death was so hard on both of them. I’m afraid they won’t be around much longer. I’m taking care of them and Leo now, which doesn’t leave me any free time at all.
Oh my god, look at me complaining again.
I’m sorry, Wolfe.
Tell me more about what you are doing. I wonder what your schedule is like, how you spend your days. Your cellmate sounds…interesting. I’ve come up with all kinds of scenarios in my head about how he got his name. If you ever find out, let me know. It’d be nice to know if I’m right.
The baby just started crying. It’s the middle of the night, and I couldn’t sleep, if you can imagine that, so I wanted to take a few minutes to write you while I had some time alone. I have to go get him now before he wakes up Shane.
Write me back soon, okay?
Forever,
December
December,
Sounds like you have your hands full. I’m so sorry to hear about your parents not doing well. I guess Leo’s death impacted us all deeply. He was such a good man. I think about him all the time. I wish I could talk to him. Well, I do, actually. He just doesn’t talk back. At least not yet. Wouldn’t that be nice, though?
Do you believe in ghosts?
I don’t know that I do. I mean, if Leo could come back as a ghost, he probably would have done that by now, I think? I don’t know. Maybe there’s like a processing time before you can come back or something. Who knows? Well, I guess Leo knows now. He knows the secret about what happens after you die, you know? I’m kind of jealous about that.
December, I know you’re busy and don’t have a lot of time or money. Don’t worry about coming to visit. The drive is over two hours, one way. And that’s not easy with a baby, I know that. To be perfectly honest, I don’t want you to see me this way. I guess orange isn’t my color. And these jumpsuits do nothing for my curves! haha
I’m trying to keep my sense of humor in here. And I keep reminding myself that I got fifteen years, but there’s a possibility it could be reduced to ten if I keep my nose clean and stay out of trouble. So far, so good, on that front.
So, what I’m trying to say is that maybe it’s best if you don’t visit. As much as I’d love to see you, it’ll be too hard on you (and the car). I’m glad to hear Shane is working. I hope he’s being good to you. Is he a good dad?
Oh! Spike finally told me how he got his nickname. I guess when he was a kid, he had a multi-colored, pointy mohawk and his friends started calling him Spike. Kind of wholesome, compared to the things I was imagining. You’ll have to tell me if you imagined that one. He’s a good guy, though. I like him. He’s a little weird, but who isn’t in this place?
I’ve started taking a few college courses in here. Just some basic stuff, but I like it. It’s nice having something else to think about, something other than the past, or that night, or Leo.
I miss him every single day.
Miss you, too.
Forever,
Wolfe
Wolfe,
Hey there! Guess what? Leo’s getting his first tooth! I’m sending you another picture of him. He can smile and laugh now and he talks — well not words, but he makes all these sounds and he tries to talk so hard, but it’s just babbling.
We got a puppy. Well, Shane just brought her home one day out of the blue, actually. He found her outside of the bar he started working at. Remember Peter’s Pub? That’s where he’s working.
I was so mad at first, about the dog, because I was thinking it was just one more thing for me to take care of. But Leo loves her so much, it was hard to stay mad. She’s a little black lab, with eyes as dark as the night sky. She chews everything, which is annoying. And she pees everywhere, but I’m trying hard to train her to go outside. Now that it’s winter, it’s not so fun to have
to jump out of bed early every morning to take her out into the cold, but it’s better than stepping into a puddle of warm pee when you wake up! So gross! I’ve contemplated putting a diaper on her — hey, it works for Leo!
Thanks for sharing the origin of Spike’s name. No, that was not one of my guesses. I guessed more sinister reasons, just like you did. We always did think alike, didn’t we?
I understand you don’t want me to visit, but I promise I’ll get there someday. And besides, I like the color orange and I bet you look great in it!
Okay, gotta run.
Write back soon!
Forever,
December
December,
A puppy! How fun! What’s her name? I’d love to see a picture of her.
I can’t believe how big Leo is getting. He’s growing so fast. Teeth, already? That’s gotta be so cool to watch. I hope he’s not in a lot of pain.
I wish they would let us wear another color. You might like orange but I’ll never see that color again in the same way as long as I live. No matter where you look in here, it’s like a sea of orange. There are so many prisoners. Thousands.
Sometimes, I sit in the yard and stare out at all of them and it’s just painful, you know? So many lives wasted. Most just because of a single bad decision. I think about the potential lost, how much good they could have done in their communities. Maybe one of them would have gone on to create a cure for cancer or AIDS or invent something cool, you know? A lot of them are like me. So young. And even with their entire lives stretching out before them, their futures are so bleak. It can be really depressing.
I’ve learned the key to staying sane in here is to keep your mind busy. I’m really enjoying my classes. I’m taking a creative writing class and a basic math class. After these are done, I’m going to take a history course. Have you thought about going to college, December? You could probably get some loans or grants or something to help pay for classes and books. I mean, it sounds like you’re happy being a mom and I know you’re so busy right now, but maybe later you might want something for yourself, right? And it would be good to have something to fall back on, you know, just in case.
I forgot to answer your question before, but no, I don’t have anyone else on my visitors list. Well, my old man, but after I confessed to the cops to killing the clerk at the store, he basically disowned me. I don’t expect I’ll be seeing him anytime soon. So, it’s just you. I know I said I didn’t want you to go out of your way to come see me, but if you do ever find yourself near Salem for whatever reason, then it would be okay if you came by. I think you have to schedule it, so plan ahead, and you better let me know! Don’t just spring it on me. I’ll need to make sure I comb my hair or something first.
Time keeps flying by and I’m thankful for that.
Someday, we’ll be able to hang out and there won’t be a scrap of orange fabric anywhere in sight!
Forever,
Wolfe
Wolfe,
I can’t believe I haven’t written to you in so long. I am so sorry. How are you doing?
Can you believe it? Leo’s almost two already! We’re doing okay. Things can get rocky sometimes around here. Having a kid wears on you after a while, I guess. Shane and I aren’t really getting along so well these days. He’s not home much, and that’s what we fight about the most, I guess. And money. Always money.
Lately, he’s been hanging out with some cops that he met at the bar. I guess there’s some training program they’re trying to get him to sign up for. So, maybe he’ll be a cop someday, too. That seems weird, doesn’t it? But I guess it’ll bring in more money, so I suppose it’s a good thing, no matter how weird.
How are your classes going? What do you write about in your creative writing class? Are you still taking it? I have thought about taking some classes, too, especially after I heard from you last. I just don’t know when or how I’d make that happen.
My parents are getting worse. Mom was in the hospital last week, because she fell and broke her hip. I can’t believe they sent her home with my dad, like he’s supposed to take care of her now. He’s too frail to take care of himself.
Leo and Lucy — that’s our dog — and I have been staying over there a lot to help out until Mom is back on her feet. Mainly, I cook and clean for them and Leo crashes out on my chest while I sleep on the couch. It doesn’t really matter where we sleep, because most nights Shane doesn’t come home till morning anyway.
Leo’s crying again, I gotta go.
I hope you’re doing okay, Wolfe. Take care of yourself.
Forever,
December
December,
Hey, girl.
It was nice to hear from you.
I’m really sorry to hear about your parents, that all sounds so rough. I hope your mom heals up real fast.
I’ll be honest, the thought of Shane being a cop is not just weird, it’s kind of scary. But if it takes some of the burden off you, then I guess that’s a good thing. Trying real hard to wrap my head around that one. Like everything else, I suppose it’ll just take time.
Speaking of time, I have to keep this short. I got your letter this morning and I wanted to write you back real quick before I start my day.
When I used to think about what guys did in prison before I got here, I never imagined they would be so busy all the time. The only free time you have is late at night and then it’s lights out pretty early and it’s hard to get anything done then. I have to squeeze all my reading and studying in before nine every night and with all the work they force you to do in here, it’s not easy to do that.
So far, I’m balancing it, but it’s a struggle most days.
I’m just trying to keep my nose clean, so I don’t get any more time added onto my sentence. I’ve seen that happen to several of the guys in here and the thought of it is just devastating. Just for getting into a fight, usually.
Anyway, I can’t be late.
I hope you’re taking care of yourself while you’re taking care of everyone else, December.
Forever,
Wolfe
Wolfe,
I’m coming to visit you!
Shane has to go to the capitol in Salem for some training class for the program he’s in, and Leo and I are going to tag along so we can come visit you.
I’m so excited to see you.
We will be there next Friday morning. I already called the prison and arranged the visit, maybe by the time you get this letter, you’ll already know all of this.
But you told me to let you know, so I am.
Get that hair combed!
I can’t wait to see you.
Forever,
December
December,
Wow.
It was so good to see you.
I can’t believe three years went by so fast.
You look older, as I told you. Not in your face or anything, but your eyes. I guess the same could be said of me, huh? Still, you look amazing, just as I expected.
Leo is absolutely adorable. I’m so happy I got to meet him. Leo would have loved your son, December. He loved you so much, too. He would have been an amazing uncle.
I’ll be honest, seeing you was hard. It took me a few days to recover. I guess, being in here, it makes you look to the future, you know? At least for me. I promised myself I wouldn’t dwell on the past, my first night in here. What’s done was done and I just needed to get through my sentence so I could move on with my life.
But seeing you just reminded me of everything.
How everything used to be so easy. So fun. So damned carefree. The three of us were like family, well four, I guess, if you include Shane.
I miss that so much it hurts. We lost so much.
I miss you, December.
Thanks for coming to see me.
Forever,
Wolfe
Wolfe,
It was so good to see you, too.
It was hard for me, as well.
&n
bsp; My parents are getting along a little better lately, so I’ve been spending more time at home. Shane’s always gone, so it’s just me and Leo and Lucy. But that just gives me more time to think and sometimes, that’s not such a good thing, you know?
This is all so very hard and unfair.
There are so many times when I wish you hadn’t confessed. I wish everything was different. I understand why you did it — so Leo would have his father around — but sometimes I wish you didn’t.
Maybe that sucks for me to say, but it’s the truth.
Life is not very pleasant for me lately. At least I have Leo, though.
And you.
And wine. Sometimes, I wouldn’t make it through the night without my cabernet.
I’ll write again soon, promise.
Forever,
December
December,
Hey, girl, you doing okay?
Sorry it’s been a few months since I wrote. Just been in my own head, trying to get through each day alive.
I don’t know if you saw on the news or not, but there was a big riot in here a few weeks ago. A huge race war has broken out and everyone is fighting with everyone. It’s already tense as hell normally, but things have been worse lately.
So, yeah, just making it back to my cell at night without getting shanked is an accomplishment most days.
Anyway, in case you did see it, I just wanted to let you know I’m okay.
I hope you are, too.
Take it easy on that cabernet.
Forever,
Wolfe
Wolfe,
Hi.
God, it’s been a year since I wrote and I feel awful about it.
Leo takes up every second of my day. He is constantly asking ‘why’ about everything.
Why is the sky blue?
Why is the light red?
FOREVER DECEMBER: GODS OF CHAOS MC (BOOK 15) Page 2