The Loudest Silence (Part One)

by Olivia Janae

  “Ash, what are you doing here?” Kate asked, trying to take her still crying son. He shrieked and clung to Vivian even tighter. “What the hell is going on?”

  Ash opened her mouth, but Vivian held up a hand, a breath from her face. “I answered the door and she didn’t like what she saw.”

  Kate frowned. “How did you know—”

  Vivian’s free hand flew as she yelled in Sign Language, “This jackass was hitting the goddamned door so hard she woke Max, who came and got me.”

  Kate’s mind went blank in the face of such intense sign. She paused, putting the pieces together. Though it wasn’t a long pause, Kate saw a flash of annoyance on Vivian’s face.

  “What’s she saying?” Ash demanded. “I know she can talk! We all know she can talk, so make her talk!”

  “Make her talk?” Kate cried. “Are you kidding me?” Vivian gaped and signed something very rude that needed no translation. “Ash, you’re a nice person under all of your crap! Why do you say shit like that?”

  “Oh, I don’t know!” She waved her hand at Vivian, standing proudly in a T-shirt and underwear. “Could this be why?”

  “What’s wrong with Max?”

  “She was calling Viv’n names!” Max wailed into Vivian’s shirt. “Viv’n my best friend! She can’t do that!”

  Kate rounded on Ash. “You yelled at her until you made my four-year-old cry? Are you fucking serious, Ash?”

  Ash’s eyes flashed, unrepentant. She did her best to step around Vivian, stopping just short of bodily shoving past her. “Of all the things we have to talk about right now, I don’t think that even rates, Kate!”

  Two furious faces turned on her, and Ash took a visible step back.

  “Clearly, it matters to us! God, I hope you never date a woman with a kid again because, FYI, you suck at it!”

  Laughter exploded from Vivian.

  Ash, goaded by Vivian’s open laughter, began to swear, moving toward Vivian. That sobered Kate completely.

  “Hey!” Kate held a warning finger out at her.

  Vivian had turned, her hand on Max’s back protectively, her lips in a snarl again. She wasn’t going to let anyone get anywhere near Max. When it was clear Ash had stopped, she softly touched her arm, signed something and started back toward Max’s room.

  “God damn it! What is she saying?” Ash bellowed, earning her a warning shove.

  “I said hey! Control yourself or get the hell out of here!” She wasn’t going to tell Ash that she hadn’t understood either, not with the pace Vivian was signing.

  “Well, excuse me if I’m kind of fuckin’ upset! I just found the fuckin’ crocodile in my girlfriend’s apartment, in her underwear!”

  “Whoa!” Kate cried, alarmed. “I am not your—”

  “No!” Ash slammed her closed fist into the door. “Don’t even try and tell me that it’s not what I think, because I’m not stupid. That kid clung to her like she was his second mommy. Then, to top it off, she wouldn’t let me in the fuckin’ apartment.”

  “I’m not your girlfriend, Ash. You know that. I never was. Whatever we did have ended a while ago.” She spoke quietly but firmly, unwilling to back down, but honestly concerned about what Ash might do. She was sure that she had been completely clear with Ash.

  Ash scoffed, fixing the dreads piled on top of her head. “Oh, come on, I know you didn’t mean that. I acted badly, but—”

  Kate’s eyebrows rose, her head jerking back a little in surprise. “Why do you keep saying that? Yes, I did mean it, Ash. I don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry, but I don’t, okay?”

  “Right, because you’re fucking the crocodile!” Ash shouted.

  “Look, keep your voice down!”

  “Keep my voice down? It’s not like she can hear me,” she cried, looking at her like she was insane.

  Kate just stared, unimpressed, and waited for her to fix the insulting remark.

  Finally she shifted uncomfortably under her judgment.

  “Ash, why are you here?”

  “I came to see my—”

  Kate bowed her head, her hands out to stop Ash’s words. “I swear to god, Ash, if you say ‘your girlfriend,’ I’m going to lose my mind.”

  Ash’s jaw snapped shut, her teeth grinding. “Fine.” She shook her head, studying the ceiling as she scoffed. “The whole time? Was it the whole fuckin’ time?”

  “What? No! Just a few days ago.”

  “So, you’ll sleep with her, but you won’t sleep with me.”

  “Ash, my god!” It frustrated her to no end that even now she had to defend herself this way. “She is nice to me. She cares about Max. You were always so busy with your friends or thinking about the next party. I have different priorities than you. She and I are just different than you and I were! I think that maybe we would be lying if we said things had been going totally well for us.”

  “Sure,” Ash scoffed.

  “Okay, Ash.” She shook her head, not willing to fight over this. “Why does it matter so much? I’m sorry that you’re hurt, but I didn’t do anything wrong! We weren’t working. Vivian and I just kind of happened. It’s not that big of …”

  The grin that slowly came over Ash’s face hit a sour note in Kate’s chest. Cocky and arrogant in a way that was entirely devoid of kindness, she knew Ash was about to behave badly. “Oh, I’m not hurt, Flynn. No, no, not at all. I’m just annoyed that you chose such a defective person. I mean, Vivian? Really?”

  “What?” The word came out flat and monotone.

  “I’ve had her. She’s not that great. And I don’t mean to be rude, I really don’t, but, well, think about it. She came to me before. I was the one to do things to her. I’m sure it’s fun, but it’s not the same. And she can’t talk to you. She can’t even hear you, remember? You’re setting yourself up for disappointment. And …” Ash sighed. “That’s just sad, because I guess you don’t think you deserve better. I don’t know how to help you, yo, but that’s so, I dunno, sad.”

  “I can’t even… I… I don’t even know where to start with that!” Kate cried.

  “Prove me wrong, Katie. Call her. Come on, try and talk to her. You can’t. It’s fucking pointless. So you’re going to go for that because, what? Because Max likes her? You act like you’re not a fuckin’ person, like you’re only a mom. It’s so lame. Plus, Vivian can’t be there for Max either. So what’s the point? You can’t be with a deaf person, Kate! How would that even work? You might as well be dating this wall.”

  “Okay.” She threw her hands up in surrender. “You go ahead and keep telling yourself that’s a problem.”

  “Are you telling me that I’m wrong? Has she gained the ability to magically hear again?”

  “God, you really like that she’s deaf, don’t you, Ash? It’s validating for you, isn’t it? She’s your boss, the president of the board, beautiful, and she’s a kind person on top of all of that. Oh, and she fucking dumped your ass. But she can’t be better than you because she can’t hear. You’re pathetic.”

  “And you’re a slut!”

  She stared at Ash, slack-jawed. She could see she already regretted the comment, but Kate didn’t really care.

  “You want to break up, fine! I’ve had like ten bomb-ass girls since I met your fuckin’ prude ass, that’s not a problem, but—”

  “Great!” Kate laughed. She had never once thought that Ash wasn’t seeing other girls. “Then go be with them.”

  “God, I can’t believe I never realized you’re such a bitch!”

  It annoyed Kate that Ash’s words stung. “Yeeeeaaaah. And you’re leaving.”

  Ash’s face melted into remorse for just a second before she cleared her throat, swiping at her nose with her thumb and chuckling. “Right.” She stretched, her ego seeming to swell as she figured out what to say next. Her lips pursed in thought. “No, you know what, Flynn? That is not how this works.”

  “What?” She shouldn’t have asked, she knew that as soon as words left her mouth, b
ut the question had been a kneejerk reaction.

  “You don’t just dump me, Katie, that isn’t how this ends, sista. You don’t dump me for someone like her.” Ash’s face, which had been cloudy and dark since she arrived, suddenly grew light. “Just wait. I mean, come on. Five minutes with the crocodile and you’ll—”

  “Okay, Ash, enough.”

  “She’s broken, Flynn.”

  Ash was met with a door slamming in her face.

  Vivian, it turned out, had crawled into Kate’s bed with a book in hand, settled in to wait propped up against the pillows for a while. Her eyebrows rose when Kate entered only a few minutes later. “I thought you would be busy for at least an hour. She doesn’t take ‘no’ well. Has she left?”

  “I thought I would be, too.” She sat on the end of the bed, troubled. “But she started to say some stupid things, so I cut it short.” Kate shrugged, pulling off her shirt and cuddling into Vivian. She had planned on simply going to bed, but the sight of Vivian tucked into her bed made her remember Max’s words earlier, made her remember cooking breakfast with her that morning, and that made her want to be close to her.

  Vivian put the book down, her lips a thin line. “Kate. You’re not still seeing her, are you?”

  Kate sat up quickly. “What? No!”

  “Then why did she come?”

  “I don’t know. I think she thought I didn’t mean it.”

  Vivian’s face softened, her lips and brow releasing, and Kate leaned back into her.

  “What did she say?”

  Kate shook her head, slipping her hand under Vivian’s T-shirt and gently massaging. “She’s a piece of work! It’s not worth thinking about, Vivian. If she shows up again, do me a favor and don’t answer the door.”

  She took a deep breath, trying to relax. She didn’t understand why Ash had come. She didn’t really believe that Ash thought she was joking. Still, the threat of “That is not how this works” made her nervous. Charlie had told her about Ash’s bad behavior when Vivian called things off. The thought made her nervous.

  Vivian shuddered in response to Kate’s wandering fingers, her back arching instantly, hand wobbling slightly as she signed. “Tell me.”

  “No.”

  Vivian’s hand caught Kate’s. “Tell me.”

  Kate sighed and flopped back onto the bed, popping her neck and fingers. “Well, first off, she called me a slut.”

  Vivian gasped, her eyes sharp as daggers.

  “It’s fine.” Kate sighed, letting the last bit of stress go. “I was really surprised, but I’m kinda glad she did.”

  “Glad she called you names?” Vivian snarled.

  “Yeah. That made ending the conversation easier. Also, I don’t have to feel bad that she was hurt by us doing, um, this. And I can sure as hell rest easy knowing that I clearly made the right choice.” She pushed herself into Vivian’s lap and kissed her cheek.

  “You’re not upset?”

  Kate frowned and let her face fall to Vivian’s neck for a moment. She tried to figure out how to explain the dichotomy of feelings within herself.

  “Max told you that he loved you today.”

  Vivian’s warm brown eyes lit, crinkling at the corners as she smiled.

  “My son said he loved you. That means something to me. Plus, I think – I think I was just dating Ash to feel a little less lonely. We never really meshed. I never wanted to get any more serious with her, which really pissed her off. She didn’t understand my life or my choices. She never even tried.” Kate glanced down at Vivian with appreciation. “Plus, how can I be upset when this is waiting in bed for me?” She gave her a small kiss. “I’m happy right now, Viv. Is that weird?”

  Vivian smiled and kissed her, catching her lip and sucking lightly. Kate purred and began to rock in her lap.

  “What did she say to you before I got there?”

  “Nothing important.” Vivian brushed her hair out of her eyes. “Just called me a few names as well.”

  Kate stopped her motions. “What did she call you?” She wasn’t teasing or playing now. She was sick of this thing Ash had with Vivian.

  Vivian bit her lip and shook her head, rocking Kate’s hips for her. Kate fell into a rhythm, sliding herself against Vivian’s lower stomach, her hands balling in Vivian’s hair, pulling sharply and making Vivian moan.

  “Oh my god,” Kate laughed, her hand over Vivian’s mouth. “You’re really loud!”

  Vivian blushed, her eyebrows drawn tight. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. It’s not always clear when my voice is louder than normal. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m using it at all, when I’m not paying attention.”

  Kate smiled, kissing her roughly. “Don’t be sorry, I like it. Max is asleep in the next room, though.”

  Vivian’s lip twitched up in the corner, her hands moving across Kate’s bare skin, but her look was far away. “She said” – Vivian stilled, her voice a little too light – “that you could never get everything you needed from me because I’m deaf.”

  “What?” Kate took Vivian’s face in her hands, forcing her to look at her. “She said that to you?”

  “She did.”

  She didn’t like the way that Vivian’s eyes wouldn’t connect with her own. “You don’t think that, do you?”

  Vivian shrugged, her lips parting as her eyes darted around the room.

  “Vivian!”

  It took another moment for Vivian’s eyes to settle on hers. When they did, Kate frowned at the dismissive smirk she saw on her face. “Her ego should keep her warm,” Vivian said and easily distracted Kate with a swipe of her fingers in the right place.

  “Do you have to?”

  Vivian laughed as Kate hung back, her hand politely on Vivian’s arm, unsure if they were going to be public quite yet with their relationship.

  “Trust me, Kate, going in there with you would be entirely pointless.”

  Kate frowned. “I guess that’s true.”

  “Plus, this is your time. Go in there and dream. The house is going to close its doors in a few minutes.”

  It was the next morning, and Vivian had finally admitted that she had to get back to real life, unable to put off her obligations any longer. Kate hadn’t wanted her to go, but she had also had her own obligation. She had a matinee ticket for Lyric’s Tristan und Isolde, and she was excited to go.

  “I promise I will speak to you later tonight, okay?”

  Kate grinned. “Okay.”

  She didn’t leave herself a lot of time to get to the nosebleed seat she had bought, and she scooted in just as the house lights were fading.

  This was perfect. The last few days had been amazing, and now here she was.

  She squinted, annoyed that she could only see part of the pit. Seeing them down there, though, all dressed in black, the tiny lights over their music, gave her a thrill. It had been her dream ever since she was young.

  As one, the musicians began to play the overture, the house going even darker. Goose bumps rose sharp on Kate’s skin.

  It was like watching magic.

  The curtain gave a rustle, and in time with the music, the set was exposed.

  Kate stared, transfixed.

  It was just before dinner when Kate came home, feeling like her batteries were recharged. It had been amazing. It had been everything she wanted. The set was beautiful, the musicians like ocean waves, following carefully along with the singers.

  She was inspired.

  As soon as Teresa was gone, Kate put on a show for Max and sat behind her cello. She wanted to practice. She hadn’t exactly been the best with her practicing over the last few days, so she dived in as Supergirl soared over the rooftops of National City.

  Kate practiced with fervor, enjoying the sensation in her muscles. She wanted this job. If there was going to be a job. She didn’t know, but she wanted it.

  When Max’s movie was done, she put on Ninja Turtles and continued to practice. She practiced hard, her mind drifting toward Lyric, goin
g over and over the possibility until, with a gasp and a cry, her finger split along the string, drawing a substantial amount of blood. She yowled and swore under her breath, clutching her hand.

  It was probably good that it had happened; if she kept practicing like that, she would put herself at risk for tendonitis, the string player’s cancer.

  “Mama, you practicing too hard,” Max chided, a professional on the subject.

  “I know.” She sighed, standing and grabbing a Band-Aid to wrap her finger in. “But I swear I have a really good reason.”

  “Why?” he asked, only half listening to her over the shouts and calls of the show.

  “Because. There might be an audition coming up!”

  She had Max’s full attention now, his eyes wide and instantly tearful. “We’re leaving?” Without any hesitation her small son burst into sobbing wails.

  “Oh! No, no, no!” she cried, scooping him up and kicking herself for the poor choice of words. Of course Max would have assumed that; they had moved so often in his life, thanks to auditions.

  “But I don’t wanna to go!” he keened. “I like it here! I don’t wanna!”

  “No, no,” Kate said, habitually bouncing him a bit as he cried. “No, Max, I meant there is an audition here.”

  She wanted to explain to him that this audition could change everything for them, that it would mean they could make a real home with couches instead of futons. If she were to win the audition they could settle; he could have one school district for his entire life. They could be normal. They wouldn’t have to live out of boxes. This audition, if it happened, could be everything for them.

  She wanted to explain all of this to her wailing four-year-old, but she knew it wouldn’t be fair. The audition wasn’t even a guarantee, and he wasn’t capable of understanding. Besides, even if she took the audition, it was a million-to-one shot that Kate would win the spot. So she just held Max until he hiccupped into silence. “I’m sorry, Max, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Look, buddy.” She set him on his feet and bent to his level. “I can’t promise you that an audition won’t come up and we won’t have to move again, but I’m going to do my very best to be sure that if we move again it will be the last time.”