All We Never Knew

by Elena Aitken

  To the moment she’d told them?

  The decision to take the test before going into her meeting?

  Or maybe it was months before then, to the moment they’d had sex?

  No…further. Maybe years earlier when she’d stupidly thought she was protected from an unwanted pregnancy by a tiny piece of copper that the doctor had assured her was 99% effective?

  Finally, just after five in the morning, Maren gave up on the idea of sleep and slipped out of bed. She spent the next hour cleaning up the dinner dishes from the night before, alternating between throwing out the spoiled food and running to the bathroom as she succumbed to the relentless effects of what she finally acknowledged was morning sickness.

  She’d never been sick like that with Rylee. Hers had been an easy pregnancy with only a few rare mornings of nausea. She’d had endless amounts of energy and everyone remarked on how Maren seemed to glow from the inside out with impending motherhood.

  She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the bathroom mirror after rinsing her mouth out for the second time and immediately wanted to look away. She was decidedly not glowing. It was the last thing she should have done on a morning that was already so full of angst and emotion, but for a reason she couldn’t understand, Maren stood in front of the mirror and examined her reflection. She pulled at the crow’s feet around her once sparkling blue eyes that were now dull with age and exhaustion. She poked and prodded at the puffiness in her face and the dark circles that had appeared, it seemed, overnight. She looked tired. Exhausted even.

  And it would only get worse. When the baby was born, she’d— When the baby was born. Maren repeated the words in her head over and over again as she stared into her own eyes. Slowly, she looked closer and closer until her nose was almost touching the mirror.

  “Maren?”

  Davis’s voice startled her and her face smacked into the mirror.

  “Are you okay?” He was behind her, his hand on her shoulder. “What are you doing?”

  “I was…” Maren rubbed her nose and turned around. His hair was still damp from his shower. The familiar scent of his cedar and citrus shampoo filled her senses, grounding her to the moment. “Nothing,” she said. “I wasn’t doing anything.”

  “Are you feeling okay this morning?” He took her hand and led her out of the hall bathroom and into the kitchen. “Can I make you some toast?” His thoughtfulness and concern washed over her and wrapped her up like a cocoon. Last night, he’d been so distant. But maybe a night of processing had done the trick. Because whatever it was, he was now back to his loving self. Everything would be okay. They’d get through this just the way they got through everything else. Together.

  “Thank you.” Maren managed a small smile. “That would be nice. And maybe some peppermint tea.”

  She sat at the table, suddenly exhausted now that Davis was there. She let him move around the kitchen, preparing a cup of tea for her and a coffee for him.

  He placed a piece of plain toast in front of her before sitting. “You never had morning sickness like this with Rylee.”

  She shook her head. She certainly hadn’t.

  “I think we should make an appointment with the doctor this morning.”

  Maren looked up sharply. “This morning? Today?”

  He nodded. “To confirm everything,” he said. “I mean, you’re on birth control, Maren.” He smiled and almost chuckled. “I mean, are you sure you’re even pregnant?”

  “Of course I’m sure.” She dropped the piece of toast and crumbs scattered across the table. “How could you even say that?” Was he completely losing his mind? Did he really think that she would tell him such a thing if she wasn’t completely sure of it herself?

  “It’s just that…well…I mean…is it even possible? I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but at your—”

  “Age?” she snapped. “Is that what you’re trying to say, Davis? That I’m old?” She slapped her hand on the table, conveniently forgetting that it was less than twenty-four hours ago when she herself had hoped menopause was her biggest problem. “Is that what you were going to say? You’re as bad as Rylee. I’m forty, Davis. I’m hardly an old hag.”

  “That’s not at all what I’m saying.” His hands came up in defense, as if she were going to throw something at him. Maybe she was. Nothing was certain.

  “Then what exactly are you saying? Lots of women have babies at forty, Davis. You don’t just dry up and shrivel when you turn forty, you know?”

  “I know, I know.” He eyed her warily, but didn’t drop his hands. “Maren, that is not what I’m saying.” He tentatively moved one hand across the table toward her. She couldn’t blame him for being cautious. Not after he said stupid shit like that. “You are absolutely not old. And I’m sure you have many child-bearing years left.” Maren narrowed her eyes as he dug himself an even deeper hole. “Oh shit!” He dropped his hands and pushed up from his seat. He paced the kitchen for a moment before coming to stand in front of her. His shoulders slumped in defeat. “This is coming out all wrong.”

  “Ya think?”

  He ignored her sarcasm. “I’m just saying that you’ve been on birth control for years. Why now? Why all of a sudden now does it not work? Maybe it’s something else. We should see the doctor. That’s all I’m saying.” His face changed as he spoke and the anger and annoyance she’d felt a moment ago melted. Despite the fact that he’d spent the night snoring next to her, she could see how tired he was. He was freaking out too.

  She wasn’t alone. She needed to remember that.

  Even if it felt that way.

  After a moment, Maren nodded slowly. “You’re right. Let’s see what the doctor has to say.”

  Four hours later, they sat in Doctor Harrison’s office during his lunch break. Davis had called and told his nurse it was an emergency and they absolutely had to see the doctor as soon as possible. As much as Maren was certain that her entire life was imploding, she wasn’t convinced it was an emergency worth requesting a lunchtime appointment, but it was important for Davis to get the answers he needed.

  And it was him who needed them.

  She already knew what the doctor was going to say.

  She was definitely pregnant.

  Her mind had rejected the idea completely until the moment she held the little stick in her hands, but the second the two little pink lines appeared, there was no more denying it. The proof was all her brain needed to acknowledge what her body had known long before. She definitely didn’t need the doctor to tell her what she already knew.

  She was going to have a baby.

  She was forty years old, with an almost grown child. About to start all over again.

  Diapers, midnight feedings, first words, preschool, class mom, homemade Halloween costumes, science projects, music lessons, learning how to drive…all of it. From the beginning. Right when they should have been preparing for an empty nest, it was about to fill up again.

  Maren already knew all that. But Davis hadn’t quite accepted it. Maybe he needed more time to process? It’s almost as if he needed a professional to tell him that his life was about to change completely, because she wasn’t qualified for the job.

  “Maren. Davis.” The doctor looked at them each in turn. “It’s always nice to see you, although I must say, I also quite enjoy eating the lunch Mrs. Harrison makes me every day.”

  Maren felt a flash of guilt for interrupting his lunch break, but a quick glance at Davis told her he felt no such compunction. Maybe he was right; it would be best to get answers. Officially.

  When neither of them said anything, or apologized for interrupting his day, the doctor continued, “My nurse tells me you came in for a little test.”

  Little? That was an understatement. But still Maren didn’t say anything. Instead, she kept her face a careful mask of neutrality.

  “And I have the results right here.” Doctor Harrison took his time sliding the folder across his desk until it was in front of him.


  Instinctively, Maren reached out for Davis’s hand, needing to feel his strength. She needed to know that no matter what, he’d be okay. That they would be okay. His fingers curled around hers and he gave her a little squeeze.

  They’d be fine. It would all be fine. A baby wasn’t the end—

  The doctor cleared his throat, pulling her attention back to him. He smiled and next to her, Maren felt Davis stiffen.

  “Well, it looks like congratulations are in order. You’re pregnant.”

  It shouldn’t have been a surprise to hear the doctor say the words out loud. But maybe Davis had been right. Hearing it from a medical professional made it seem…real. Maren took a breath and swallowed hard before looking over at Davis, who wasn’t looking at her. In fact, she couldn’t be sure he was looking at anything. He stared straight ahead, not blinking, not seeing. For a moment, Maren wasn’t even sure he was breathing. She squeezed his hand and gave it a little shake. “It’ll be okay. It will.”

  Resentment bubbled up inside her as she spoke. Wasn’t he supposed to be saying that to her? After all, it was her body. As much as it was happening to them, it was really happening to her.

  “Of course it will be okay.”

  Maren turned her head and looked at the man who had offered her support. “It will, won’t it? I mean, with Rylee it was…”

  Doctor Harrison nodded and offered her another kind smile. “First things first,” he continued. “We’ll have to see how far along you are.”

  “Well, I have to be just barely pregnant.” She stared at the doctor. “I mean, I just started feeling sick last week.”

  The doctor shook his head. “Not necessarily. While morning sickness is generally more common in the first trimester, it’s not unusual to experience it in any stage of pregnancy.”

  Maren shook her head. “But I would have known if I was pregnant. I mean…” Would she have known? Maybe not. “But I drank wine.” The horror of what she’d potentially done to her unborn baby without even knowing chilled her. “I didn’t know. I never would have…”

  “It’s okay, Maren. I’m sure everything will be just fine.” Doctor Harrison was calm. His smile steady. “I know it’s been awhile since you’ve done this,” he said. “But things haven’t changed all that much.” He chuckled but he was the only one in the room laughing. “There are a few different things to consider this time, however. After all, you will now be considered a high-risk pregnancy.”

  “High risk?” It was Davis who’d asked. For the first time, something registered on his face besides complete and total shock. “What do you mean, high risk? Is Maren in danger?”

  It was his turn to squeeze her hand, but she was no longer paying any attention to him. Instead, she was staring at Doctor Harrison, who’d just dropped a different kind of bomb on her.

  “Well,” the doctor started. “There is Maren’s advanced age.” He shook his head quickly as if realizing what he just said and tried again. “I didn’t mean to say… Well, what I mean is once a mother is over forty, they are automatically placed in the high-risk category. It’s just terminology we use to keep a little bit of a closer eye on things.”

  He turned his attention back to his file and Maren breathed a sigh of relief. If it was just her age, that wasn’t a big deal. She already knew about that. Sabrina told her that she, too, was considered high risk because of her age. Maren wasn’t worried about that. Sure, she could probably take better care of herself but she was healthy, with no major concerns. She couldn’t possibly be that high of a risk.

  She snickered a bit. “Well, that’s not a big deal. I mean—”

  “However, there is one other complication.” The doctor cut her off and Maren stared at his finger that pointed to something in her file. “There is the matter of your IUD.”

  “What about it?” Davis had dropped her hand and was wringing his together in his lap. “Besides the fact that it’s completely useless because it obviously didn’t do its job. I thought the whole point of an IUD was to prevent something like this from happening in the first place.”

  The last thing Maren needed or wanted was to get into a debate about the effectiveness of birth control. It wouldn’t make her any less pregnant. She ignored Davis and looked at the doctor. “How is the IUD a complication?”

  “It might not be,” he said. “We’ll have to do an ultrasound right away to see if it’s still in place.”

  “How could it possibly still be in place?” Davis’s voice got louder. “If the damn thing was still in place, we wouldn’t be sitting here right now.” Once again, Maren reached for his hand, but he was too worked up and she tucked her hand back under her leg.

  “Are you saying the IUD might not be there anymore?” She ignored Davis again. “Is that even a thing? Could it have gone somewhere?”

  Doctor Harrison nodded. “It does happen. The device may have been expelled, or even lost into the side of the uterus. Both of those things would make it less effective, obviously.”

  She heard Davis grunt next to her, but didn’t look at him.

  “So, it probably just got dislodged at some point?” She glanced quickly at her husband and back to the doctor. “I mean, that’s why this happened, right?”

  He nodded. “Yes. That is a possibility. As with any birth control, there is always a risk that something can go wrong.”

  “But how would that be a complication?” Maren was still fixated on the high risk label he’d assigned her. “I don’t understand.”

  “There is a chance that the IUD is still in place,” the doctor said. “It’s not common, but it does happen where pregnancy can occur with the IUD exactly in place. And if that is the case, your pregnancy will definitely be considered high risk.”

  Maren’s stomach flipped and then clenched. She vaguely remembered the pamphlet about the IUD she’d been handed all those years ago. She hadn’t really read it. With a small child demanding her attention while she waited in the doctor’s waiting room, her attention was definitely elsewhere. But she did remember something about the risk of pregnancy with an IUD. She didn’t want to ask. She didn’t want to know what it could mean, but at the same time she didn’t have a choice. “What kind of high risk is that?”

  “Carrying a baby to term with an IUD in place can pose a significant risk to both the baby and the mother,” he said without preamble. “Spontaneous miscarriage, bleeding, placental abruption, or premature delivery are all risk factors. However,” the doctor continued, his face now a mask of seriousness. “You can choose to remove the device. It’s a minor surgical procedure that of course is not without risk itself.” Maren held her breath as she listened. “There is a chance of a miscarriage with the procedure as well.”

  “So we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t?” Maren didn’t need to look to see that Davis was clenching his teeth. He was furious, as if it were Doctor Harrison’s fault that they’d ended up pregnant in the first place.

  “I’m just letting you know about all of the risks,” he said. “There’s also a very good chance that everything will go smoothly, with no problems at all. But I would be remiss if I didn’t let you know all of the potential situations.”

  Maren nodded numbly. She had no idea how he managed to stay so calm, but of course he probably dealt with this type of thing every day.

  “But one thing at a time.” He slapped the folder shut. “Let’s do a quick ultrasound to see what we’re dealing with here. It will also give us a chance to see how far along you are.”

  Rylee

  By the time Rylee got to school the next day, her anger toward her parents had diminished somewhat. Not that she was in any way ready to tell them that, though. In fact, that morning, when she’d finally waited as long as she possibly could before going downstairs to grab breakfast, she’d done her best to send them both the message that she was in fact not ready to talk to either of them. The worst part was neither of them seemed to care. They’d both said good morning to her but neither of them had
asked her about the night before, or even given her shit for her totally out-of-line behavior or anything. It was as if they were both so wrapped up in their unborn child already that they no longer had time for her.

  Careful what you wish for.

  She moved like a robot through first period math, only partly registering that she got an eighty percent on the quiz a few days earlier. Mr. Sheppard had drawn a small question mark next to her grade. She’d never received less than a ninety on any of her assignments or tests. Not that an eighty was a bad mark. Not at all, but no doubt Mr. Sheppard was freaking out. Rylee refused to meet his gaze for the entire class and instead focused on doodling in the margins of her notebook until the bell rang.

  It wasn’t until second period that she had a chance to talk to Sienna. They had English together and without fail, they always sat together in the front right corner. Close enough for Mrs. Jones to think they were super keen students and madly interested in whatever poem or play they were currently pulling apart for meaning and symbolism, but far enough away that they could have their phones tucked into their textbooks without her seeing them. Whenever it was a reading period, the girls could compare notes or more likely, whisper back and forth about whatever it was that had happened since they’d last seen each other that morning.

  But when Rylee got to class, Sienna wasn’t in their regular spot. Hurt hit her square in the chest as she spotted her best friend five rows back. The seat next to her was already taken.

  Rylee tried to catch her eye, but she stared straight ahead like a statue at Erika Penszie’s long blonde ponytail in front of her.

  Point taken. She was pissed.

  And maybe for good reason. But she had no idea that Rylee’s life was completely exploding. Without a doubt, Rylee knew that if she could only get a second to talk to her, she’d forget about whatever she was mad about. Especially when she heard about the baby.

  Which meant Rylee needed to get the seat next to her. As casually as she could, she walked down the row and stopped in front of Chris Combs, a kid she only vaguely knew from the history class they’d shared last semester. “Hey, Chris.” She tried her best to sound as sweet as she could. “I really need to sit here today. Would you mind switching seats with me?”