Sad Girls

by Lang Leav

  “We do?”

  The doorbell rang.

  “Can you get the door, Audrey? I have to deal with this turkey.”

  “Sure.” I made my way to the front door and opened it, a ready smile painted on my face.

  “Hi, darling.” It was Zoe and Duck.

  My smile froze. “Zoe,” my voice strangled. “Duck.”

  “Hey, Audrey,” said Duck. “It’s good to see you.” He looked like he had lost a lot of weight, and there were dark circles under his eyes. I felt a stab of guilt when I thought of how quickly I had moved on with Rad.

  Zoe pulled me into a quick embrace. Duck stuck out his hand as I leaned in for a hug, my nose bumping awkwardly against his ear. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask what they were doing here, when the realization struck me. This was my mother’s doing. She had invited them here. A sick feeling gripped my stomach.

  “I didn’t know you were back from your trip.”

  “We just got back a few days ago. Didn’t your mother tell you?” Zoe gave me a curious look.

  I opened my mouth to respond when I heard Mum come up behind me. “Zoe, Duck!” she beamed, kissing Zoe on the cheek and cupping her hands affectionately around Duck’s face. “Look how tanned you are! You’re such a handsome boy.” She linked her arm through his. “Come inside; lunch is almost ready.”

  Dad was coming down the stairs, just as we got to the dining room. “Perfect timing! What would you like to drink? Beer? Champagne? I just opened a bottle.”

  “Champagne sounds wonderful,” said Zoe.

  Dad disappeared into the kitchen and came back a few moments later with champagne glasses and a bottle of Moët.

  “Mum, can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked.

  “Sure,” she replied.

  I headed to the kitchen, with Mum in tow.

  “What the hell, Mum?” I hissed, when I pulled the kitchen door shut behind us.

  She looked nonplussed. “What’s the problem, Audrey?”

  I wanted to scream. “What’s the problem?” I said incredulously. “Mum, why is Duck here at Christmas lunch? Have you gone insane?”

  “They just got back from their trip to Europe, so I thought it would be nice to catch up,” she said.

  “And you didn’t consider how I would feel about this?”

  “I didn’t think you’d mind. It’s just lunch, Audrey. You know Zoe and Duck are like family to us.”

  “This isn’t just lunch,” I tried to keep my voice level. “It’s a fucking ambush.”

  She blinked. “I would have told you they were coming, but I didn’t get a chance this morning.”

  “Don’t give me that bullshit, Mum. You did it on purpose. Why would you do this? Why?” I could feel hot tears pushing their way out from behind my eyes. “Why, why, why?”

  She sighed. “Audrey, I’m not trying to push you back into Duck’s arms; honestly, I’m not. You and Duck have so much history. He was here long before Rad came into the picture. There’s no reason why you can’t be friends. That’s all I’m saying.”

  “Mum—you can’t do this. I’m with Rad now. You can’t invite my ex to lunch without checking with me first. A normal person doesn’t do that; don’t you see? It’s a nasty thing to do. Not just to me but to Duck as well.”

  “I think you’re being overly dramatic.”

  I took a deep breath. I felt like I was ready to explode.

  “Listen to me, Mum.” She opened her mouth to interrupt me. “Listen to me!” I screamed, my fists banging at the sides of my head in frustration.

  “Audrey, calm down—they can hear you out there.”

  “Don’t you dare tell me to calm down!” I was breathing hard now. I knew Zoe and Duck could probably hear every word I was saying, but I was beyond caring.

  “I’m your mother, Audrey. I know what’s best for you even if you can’t see it yourself.”

  A cold rage filled my body. I grabbed the nearest plate from the kitchen counter and hurled it at the floor. It smashed into pieces.

  My mother looked stunned. “Audrey, what are you doing?”

  I picked up another plate and threw it at her feet. She jumped, startled. The door swung open, and Dad came in. “What’s going on?” He looked from me to my mother to the broken plates on the floor. My breath was ragged. I had the crook of my forefinger coiled around my rubber band.

  “Come on, Audrey.” Dad took my arm and walked me toward the back door. He turned and glared at my mother, shaking his head.

  When we got outside, he peered at me with an expression of concern on his face. “What happened?”

  “It’s Mum,” I said. My breathing was a little less patchy, but I was sobbing. I gulped, wiping the tears that were now streaming down my face. “I didn’t know she invited Duck and Zoe.”

  “You didn’t?” My dad looked genuinely surprised. “Your mother said it was your idea.”

  “Well, she’s a liar,” I spat. I couldn’t contain my bitterness.

  A look of realization dawned on his face. He sighed. “Audrey, I’ll speak to her tonight about this. I don’t agree with what she did, but I think she meant well.”

  “How can you say that? Seriously, Dad.”

  “I know she has a funny way of showing it, but your mother does love you, Audrey. You have to believe that.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. She drives me insane.”

  “I know things have always been rocky between the two of you, but it’s Christmas Day. Can you at least stay for lunch? Please?” He gave me a pleading look. “Later you’re free to do anything you want.”

  I looked at his tired, lined face and felt a pang of sadness—he had spent far too many years caught in the crossfire between Mum and me.

  I felt fresh new tears well up in my eyes. “Okay, Dad, I’ll stay for lunch.”

  Rad came by to pick me up later that afternoon. I breathed a sigh of relief when I slipped into the passenger seat of his car. “Everything okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah, it’s just my mum being a complete asshole as usual.”

  “What happened?”

  “Just the regular stuff. Let’s not talk about it, okay?”

  He started the engine. “Okay.”

  I didn’t want to tell him about the setup Mum had orchestrated. It seemed unnecessary and would only hurt his feelings. He already sensed that Mum was less than thrilled about our relationship.

  “So where to?” I asked as we pulled away from the curb. I was starting to feel a lot better.

  He smiled at me. “I have a surprise for you.”

  “I hate surprises.”

  “You always like mine, though.”

  Rad wouldn’t tell me where we were going, but I figured it out by the time we were a few streets away from his place. When we got to his apartment, he put one hand over my eyes. “Don’t peek,” he warned. I heard the key turn in the lock, and he guided me in with a hand on my waist. After a few steps, he said, “Okay, you can open your eyes now.”

  “Wow!” We were standing in his apartment with the shades pulled down. Strung up around the room were multicolored fairy lights and tinsel. There was a mini Christmas tree draped in candy canes on his writing desk in the far corner of the room. Above his bed hung a foil banner that read, “BY GOLLY, BE JOLLY.”

  “What do you think?” Rad asked.

  “Very festive!” I replied.

  My eyes adjusted to the dark, and I caught sight of a small gift-wrapped box under the Christmas tree. “I thought we weren’t doing gifts.”

  “We’re not. It’s for me too.”

  “You wrapped up a gift for yourself?” I teased.

  “Just open it, Audrey,” he said dryly, handing it to me. I took the box and tore through the wrapping. Inside were a box of chocolates
and two DVDs—Cat People and its sequel, The Curse of the Cat People.

  “I thought we could spend Christmas in bed watching them instead of the Christmas shit they have on TV.”

  “I thought the bed was off limits for us.”

  He took a step toward me and put his hands on either side of my waist. “Well, during World War I they had a truce on Christmas Day. The Germans climbed out of their trenches and came over to say hello to the Allies. They even played a friendly game of soccer.”

  “What on earth are you talking about, Rad?”

  “Clearly, if they can manage a truce on Christmas Day, then I think we can too.”

  He tilted my chin with the crook of his finger and kissed me. All of a sudden, I was struggling to catch my breath. My hands tugged at his shirt, and he reached down, pulling it up over his shoulders. I nuzzled his neck as he unzipped the back of my dress until it fell to the floor with a soft rustle. He got onto his knees and kissed my bare stomach. “Jesus, Audrey,” he said, letting out a deep breath. “You’re a goddess.”

  “Where did you get that banner?” I asked later. We were stretched out on the bed, my leg flung carelessly over his.

  “That old thing has been in the family for seven generations.”

  I laughed. “You’re such a moron.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “Do you want it?”

  “Yes, but I don’t know if you should be giving me family heirlooms just yet.”

  “You’re right. Great-grandma Clark would be rolling over in her grave right now.”

  We were quiet for a few moments.

  “I should get back on the pill,” I said absentmindedly.

  “Don’t. Get pregnant.”

  “Shut up.” I broke into laughter.

  “I’m serious,” he said playfully. “Have my baby.” He reached out and put his palm flat on my tummy.

  “Stop it.” I brushed his hand away.

  He reached over again and began tickling me.

  “Rad, seriously! No! Rad—” I shrieked between fits of laughter, trying to fight him off. “Stop it! Rad! Stop it right now! I will kill you—I swear.”

  Somehow, I managed to get on top of him, pinning his arms back. “Nipple cripple!” I declared, reaching for his chest.

  “Don’t you dare!” he cried, grabbing my wrist. We were laughing so hard at this point I could barely catch my breath. We wrestled around for a moment, and before I knew it, he had me in a vice-like grip.

  “Truce?” he said, breathing hard.

  “Okay, okay, truce.”

  He released me from his iron grip, and we lay there quiet, staring up at the ceiling. He reached over and took my hand. “Seriously, though, don’t you ever think about it?”

  “About what?”

  “You know, kids.”

  “Sure, but there’s so much I want to do first. I mean, my mother had me in her early twenties, and I think part of her feels as though she missed out on so much because of that. When she talks about her life before I was in the picture, she gets this look in her eyes, like she’s yearning to go back. I’ll bet if given the chance, she would do it in a flash.”

  “I think my mum was the same in that she wanted something more from her life. Something neither Dad nor I could give her—a kind of fulfillment, I suppose. Not that she didn’t do a great job with me, under the circumstances. But I think she must have felt like she walked into something she couldn’t get out of. I always sensed that she felt trapped in a life she never would have chosen had she known any different.”

  “That’s what I mean. It takes time to find out who you really are. I think it’s important to get that part right before anything else.”

  “Absolutely. I know it’s one of those things people roll their eyes at, but I do believe you have to figure out who you are before you take on that kind of responsibility. I always wonder what my mum’s life would have been like if she didn’t have me. Maybe she would have gone on that road trip, and somewhere along the way, she might have realized that she didn’t want the white picket fence or that she preferred women over men. Even though she got there in the end, she had to go through hell for it.”

  “That’s something I am going to do my best to avoid.”

  “Me too, though it’s not hard to imagine how it can happen, especially the way I feel about you. I like the idea of the two of us in a little house by the sea with a brood of our own—maybe a dachshund or two. But I know there’s no rush.”

  I laughed. “You know I’m a cat person.”

  “Okay, how about a Shiba Inu? They’re very catlike dogs, apparently.”

  “How about a cat?

  “You can have as many cats as you want.”

  “Can I have that in writing?”

  He laughed. “I’ll get my lawyer to draw up the papers.”

  I put my head down on his chest. “Why are you so good to me?”

  “Because you’re the only girl in this world who can make me happy. Other than Lexy Robbins, of course.”

  “Idiot.”

  Rad combed his fingers gently through my hair. “Do I make you happy?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good, that’s all I want to do.”

  I tipped my chin up to kiss him. I could never get tired of kissing him. “Well, you’re doing exceptionally well so far,” I yawned.

  “Tired?” Rad asked. I loved the weight of his body next to mine.

  “Uh-huh. I think I’m falling asleep.”

  “Audrey.” His voice was like a lullaby, and I could feel my eyelids growing heavy.

  “Mmmm,” I murmured.

  “Merry Christmas.”

  Twenty-three

  Autumn crept up slowly, as the tree-lined streets of Surry Hills made their slow transition from green to yellow. I got a text one morning from Eve to let me know Candela had just come out of rehab.

  Lucy and I went to her mother’s house later that day. Candela was in the garden hosing the lawn when we arrived. She wore a pair of jeans and a Velvet Underground T-shirt. “You look amazing,” I said and meant it. The last few months had been good to her. She had put some weight back on, and her skin had cleared up dramatically. She was looking like her old self again.

  “They had us eating lots of fruits and veggies. All the boring shit. We weren’t allowed to smoke, so I was climbing the walls. But it was worth it. I haven’t felt this great in ages.”

  We went into her bedroom, and she put a record in her old vinyl machine. The crackling melody of “At Seventeen” filled the room. “Your bedroom is exactly the same as when you left it,” said Lucy.

  “Yeah, it’s a fucking museum. Still, it’s kind of nice being back here again. But I’ll give it a week before Mum starts driving me crazy.”

  Lucy threw a glance at me. “Well, you know that spare room we have? It’s a little small, but there’s a bed under all that junk. It’s yours if you want it.”

  “Yeah!” I agreed. “Why don’t you move in with us?”

  Candela looked from me to Lucy, a smile slowly spreading across her face. “Really? You don’t mind?”

  “We’d love to have you,” said Lucy. “Truly.”

  “Mum has set me up with a job, so I’ll be able to chip in for groceries and stuff.” Her face was glowing.

  “Then it’s settled, roomie!” I said.

  A few weeks later, we had a small gathering at our house to welcome Candela.

  “Candela looks great,” said Rad, as we sat in the courtyard with Freddy and Lucy.

  “Doesn’t she?” said Lucy. “Audrey and Candela are genetically blessed. I kind of lucked out there, but at least I’ve got a great smile.”

  “Babe, you’re gorgeous.” Freddy kissed her on the cheek with a loud smack.

  “Aw, thanks, babe.”

  Candela w
alked over, cigarette in hand. “Look at your little garden.” She picked one of our gardenias and stuck it behind her ear. “Who knew you and Lucy were such homemakers?”

  “Wish they were just as good in the kitchen,” joked Freddy as Lucy slapped at his hand.

  Candela laughed. “Well, that’s probably where I’ll come in.”

  The next few weeks drifted by in a blissful haze. For once, everything was going right in my life, and I was the happiest I had ever been. Candela brought a new spark and energy to our house. She had a knack for cooking, a skill that Lucy and I lacked, and our neglected kitchen was now humming and singing with the sound of banging pot lids and the delicious aroma of freshly cooked meals.

  Sam promoted me to senior journalist, which involved interviewing famous authors and a bigger pay check. There was nothing I loved more than sharing a cup of coffee with a writer who had years of wisdom to impart. I got along with my coworkers, especially Trinh, who was always singing my praises to Sam. I had a feeling she played a part in my promotion.

  Things with Rad were better than I could have imagined. There was a magical sense of discovery between us, like an archaeological dig. I loved the unraveling and the undoing, as though we were peeling back through layers of skin and muscle and tissue to peer into the very heart of our most authentic selves. The bond we shared was so intrinsic, so deeply rooted, that I imagined it was always there waiting for us to make the connection.

  The only dark cloud to blot my perfect sky was the idea that at some point, I had to tell Rad about Ana and my lie that ultimately drove her to end her own life. Whenever this dawned on me, I sank into a state of despondency that sometimes took days to shake off. During one of my sessions with Ida, I almost revealed the lie. The truth, desperate to see the light, had made its way up from the pit of my stomach to sit at the tip of my tongue, only to be swallowed back down again.

  One night, Lucy and I were in the kitchen when Candela came out of her room with a flat, rectangular box in her hand. “Look what I found under my bed.”

  “What is it?” I asked.

  Candela slid the box open to reveal a wooden carved Ouija board. “Oh shit,” said Lucy, recoiling in horror. “I hate those things.”