Sad Girls

by Lang Leav

  “Hi, Zoe,” I said.

  “Audrey, Lucy, can I come in?”

  I nodded and closed the door as we headed to the kitchen.

  “Want a coffee?” asked Lucy.

  “No, thanks, it looks like you girls have been up all night. Why don’t you have a seat? I’ll make you both coffee.” She busied herself in the kitchen, and Lucy and I sat back down. Zoe set our coffee on the kitchen table, then sat down across from me. She reached out and took my hand. “I’m sorry about last night, Audrey,” she said with a frown. Tears began welling up in my eyes again. She gave my hand a squeeze. “Now, I don’t want you blaming yourself in any way, you hear. Duck knows full well he was in the wrong.”

  “Zoe’s right, Audrey.” Lucy handed me a box of tissues. “It’s not your fault.”

  I nodded, tears streaming down my cheeks.

  “I should have been paying more attention,” said Zoe. “I thought he was fine, but I guess I was way off the mark.”

  “He knows how much I still care about him, doesn’t he?”

  “Of course he does, Audrey. The two of you go way back. That’s something that never goes away.”

  My lips trembled, and fresh tears spilled down. “No,” I whispered. “Never.”

  She smiled at me. “I’m sure you’ll be the best of friends again—in time.”

  “I hope so,” I said as Lucy put her arm around my shoulder.

  “Now, I had a trip planned to see Duck’s grandma in Europe,” said Zoe. “I’m going to take Duck with me too. The change in scenery will do him good.”

  “When are you leaving?”

  “Next week and we’ll be away for a while, so it will give you both some breathing space.”

  “Okay,” I said softly. “Please take care of him.”

  “You know I will.” She reached over and squeezed my arm. “Now—I have a million things to do before the trip, so I’d better get going.” She got up, slinging her handbag over her shoulder. “You girls take care.”

  Twenty

  Although a good amount of time had passed since Duck and I broke up, Rad and I had agreed to take things one day at a time. So this was my first visit to Rad’s apartment, and I was browsing through the books on his shelf. His place was tiny but cozy. It looked exactly how I had pictured it—messy in a way that was inviting—and I could see myself padding around in my pajamas with a cereal bowl in hand. Best of all, it was three floors above a French-style café, and the delicious smell of freshly baked croissants occasionally wafted in from the open window.

  “Hey, I remember these,” I said, spying a Choose Your Own Adventure book among a sea of science fiction titles and tattered paperbacks. I picked it up, running my fingers across the cover. “Inside UFO 54-40. Is this one any good?”

  “Well, it’s a strange book,” said Rad. “Like, the goal is to get to Ultima—it’s meant to be some kind of paradise, a nirvana or whatever. When I read it as a kid, I couldn’t get to Ultima no matter what choices I made throughout the book. But it was right there, in front of me.” He took the book from me and flipped through until he found the page he was looking for. “That’s Ultima.” There was an illustration of a futuristic cityscape surrounded by mountain greenery and piercing rays of sunlight.

  “Why couldn’t you get there?” I asked.

  “That’s what I was trying to work out as a kid. I got so obsessed that my mother had to take the book away from me at one point. Years later, I came across a thread about it on a forum. As it turns out, I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t get to Ultima. I followed a link someone posted to a wiki and learned there is actually no legitimate way to get to there. The author was a sadist.”

  “What a cruel thing to do to children.”

  “Tell me about it.” Rad closed the book and passed it to me. “You can give it a try if you want.”

  “No, thanks, I’m not really into sadomasochism.”

  “You’re not? Well, that’s definitely a deal-breaker for me.”

  I laughed, tracing the spine of his books with my fingers. They felt vibrant and alive, like they carried parts of his DNA. My hand hit something cold on the middle shelf, and I craned my neck to get a closer look. A thin metal box was wedged between a copy of Slaughterhouse-Five and The Dogs of Winter. Curious, I took it out. “Office-Home, Deed Box” was printed in the top left corner in faded, dull gold. In the center was a silver lock. “What’s this?” I asked.

  “It’s nothing important,” said Rad, taking it from my hands. “Just my old Garbage Pail Kids collection. I lost the key years ago.” He put the box down on the shelf and ran a hand through my hair. “I can’t believe you’re actually standing here, in my apartment. You have no idea how many times when we were out somewhere and you’d be laughing or biting your lip and I’d wish I could take you home.” He kissed me, softly at first, then his kisses grew more urgent. His hand traveled up along my thigh, past the hem of my skirt, brushing the elastic of my underwear and sending a shot of adrenaline through my body.

  His eyes met mine and I silently willed him to go further. But he stopped and gently drew his hand away. “We’re meant to be taking it slow . . . remember?”

  “It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be,” I sighed.

  “You’re telling me,” he laughed.

  We broke away from each other reluctantly.

  “Come on,” I said. “Let’s go out.”

  We met Lucy and Freddy at Luna Park in Lavender Bay. It was a beautiful, clear night. Summer was edging its way closer, and I felt a sense of magic permeate the warm cotton candy air. Rad and I walked hand in hand, absorbing the carnival atmosphere and the pretty lights that dotted the promenade.

  “We were here for your tenth birthday party, Audrey. Remember?” asked Lucy.

  “Yeah. Candela was throwing popcorn from the Ferris wheel.”

  “Didn’t she get into trouble?” Rad asked.

  “We all did, which was totally unfair. We were the ones trying to stop her!” said Lucy.

  “She got us kicked out,” I added.

  “Your mum was furious,” said Lucy. “She took us straight home after that.”

  “I was livid,” I laughed. “I kicked her in the shins for ruining my birthday.”

  “When was the last time the three of you got together?” asked Freddy.

  “I don’t even remember,” I said, sadly.

  “She doesn’t answer her phone anymore,” Lucy said.

  Shrieks of terror came from the roller coaster that wound its way above us. A small boy swung a giant hammer at the high striker, giggling with delight when the lights shot halfway up the tower.

  “Hey, let’s go on the ghost train,” said Lucy, and the four of us went to join the line.

  “Spoooooky!” said Freddy as we stepped into our carriages. The train jolted into life and began to move through a dark tunnel, decorated with hanging spiderwebs and silhouettes of ominous figures. I wasn’t a stranger to ghost trains, but for some reason, this one made me feel edgy. I felt for my rubber band in the dark but realized with a jolt of panic that I’d left it at home. I moved in closer to Rad, and he squeezed my hand reassuringly. He almost had a sixth sense when it came to how I was feeling.

  “You okay?” he whispered in my ear.

  “Fine,” I smiled brightly at him as a waxen Bride of Frankenstein suddenly dropped from the cavernous ceiling to confront us. There were several loud cries and shrieks, then I felt a tap on my shoulder and my head swung around sharply. My heart leaped into my throat. It was Ana. I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

  “Audrey! Audrey!” Rad shook my shoulders gently as I sat frozen with fear. One of the operators came over looking concerned.

  “I saw a girl in there,” I told him, dazed.

  “Wearing a white dress?” asked the operator.

 
I nodded.

  “She must be one of our plants,” he explained. “We have a few in there.”

  “Plants?” I was confused.

  “Actors. Sorry if she gave you a fright.”

  “I had some dude with a gorilla head tap me on the shoulder,” said Freddy. “Scared the living daylights out of me.”

  My heart rate began to steady. “Jesus, I had no idea they did that.”

  “Adds to the drama,” said Freddy, raising his hands in the air like claws and rippling his fingers.

  “Audrey!” Lucy’s face was etched with worry. “You’re as white as a sheet.”

  “You sure you’re okay?” asked Rad as he led me off the platform.

  “Yeah, I just thought I saw a ghost.”

  Twenty-one

  Before long, city streets and department stores were glittering with Christmas displays. Rad and I were coming out of a movie theater one afternoon when I got a call from Lucy. There was an urgency in her voice. “Audrey, it’s Candela.”

  We met Lucy at the Royal North Shore Hospital about twenty minutes later. “How is she?” I asked.

  “Not great.” Lucy led us through the corridors. She stopped outside a ward, and we could see Candela through the doorway, lying eyes shut in a hospital bed. Her mother and sister, Eve, were sitting on either side of her. They both turned to us when we walked into the room.

  “Audrey,” said Candela’s mother. Then she looked over at Rad and shot me a strange look. “Rad? Aren’t you the boy who was with Ana?”

  An icy cold feeling enveloped my body.

  “Yeah.” Rad looked a little uncomfortable. Eve’s eyes widened as though her mind had just joined the dots. At sixteen, she was the spitting image of Candela on the night I told that terrible lie.

  “Any change?” asked Lucy.

  Candela’s mother shook her head. “No, but we’re all praying.”

  Candela was admitted to the hospital earlier that day. The details were sketchy, but Eve told us the ambulance was called to her house in Alexandria in the early morning. Though her housemates were tight-lipped, blood tests had revealed a deadly cocktail of drugs coursing through her body. Shortly after her arrival at the hospital, she slipped into a coma and had been in that state ever since. Eve relayed this to the three of us as we stood in the hallway, drinking coffee from Styrofoam cups. “When will she wake up?” I asked.

  “They don’t know.” Eve’s voice was strained with worry. “The doctors said it was hard to tell with coma patients. We just have to wait and see.”

  The next few days were a blur as Lucy and I took turns keeping vigil at Candela’s bedside. I brought a copy of Rad’s book and read it out loud to her. Sometimes Rad came along, and other times Freddy would be there. Not once did Dirk or Ramona bother to show up.

  Late one morning, I was having lunch with Eve in the hospital cafeteria. “I haven’t seen Candela for months,” she admitted, picking miserably at her salad. We were quiet for a little while. “If only I had kept my mouth shut that night,” she continued, in a quiet, cautious tone.

  I shook my head. “I was the one who should have kept my mouth shut.”

  “It’s a strange twist of fate, isn’t it? How you’re with Rad now.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Does he know you were the one who saw Ana with her dad?”

  “No,” I said quickly. Every time the thought popped up in my mind, I pushed it back down again, like a jack-in-the-box.

  “My mother blames herself,” said Eve, putting her fork down. “When Candela found out Mum had told her friend about Ana, they had a huge fight. Then when we heard Ana had killed herself . . .” Eve trailed off.

  “I know.” I was anxious to get off the subject. I knew exactly what Eve was alluding to. If none of this had happened, then Candela might never have moved out. If things had been different, she might not be lying in a hospital bed now, fighting for her life.

  Later that night, Rad came over, and we decided to go for a drive. We were cruising up a long stretch of dirt road when he pulled over. I could tell something was on his mind. After a long silence, he said, “You’re the first person I’ve been able to open up to, since Ana.” As always, the mention of her name sent a chill through my body.

  “You never talk about her.”

  “I know,” he replied. “Being around the hospital these past few days has brought back some old memories. Ana wasn’t a stranger to hospitals—you’ve heard about that time she rigged up the garage while her parents were away?”

  I nodded, a lump forming in my throat. Everyone knew about the day Ana’s parents had come back early from a trip to find her half-conscious in their garage, surrounded by a thick cloud of toxic fumes.

  “It was lucky they came back when they did.” He shuddered, as if trying to shake off the memory. “That wasn’t her first attempt, you know. As horrible as it sounds, I think everyone assumed it would only be a matter of time with her.”

  “Yeah.” It was common knowledge that Ana was reckless with her life, the kind of girl who would play Russian roulette with a loaded gun. It made her seem almost immortal, the casual way she flirted with death.

  Rad took my hand and held it in his, tracing my knuckles with his thumb.

  “After what happened with Ana, I vowed never to let myself care about anything again. It was just too damn hard.” He reached out and gently pulled my chin around to face him. “But then I met you. I didn’t want to care about you, but I couldn’t help myself.” He smiled, his hand cupping the side of my face. I reached up and put my hand over his. “Sometimes it scares me, though, when I look at you. I see that same expression on your face that I used to see on Ana’s.” He ran his thumb softly across my lips. “I don’t want to fall in love with another sad girl.”

  Candela woke up the following Sunday. Lucy and I went straight to the hospital when we heard.

  She was sitting up in bed, pushing morosely at a tub of red Jell-O. “Hey,” I said, sitting down on the side of the bed. She looked up at me.

  “It’s been awhile,” she said and broke into a grin. A flood of tears blurred my eyes as I threw my arms around her.

  “I remember bits and pieces,” said Candela, when we asked her if she was aware of anything during her coma. Her mother and Eve had just left, and Lucy and I were now keeping her company. “Audrey, you were reading some book to me, I think. And Lucy was talking about Freddy—something to do with The War of the Worlds.”

  Lucy’s cheeks turned pink. “You heard that?”

  “Yeah, what’s that about?”

  “Freddy plays the Jeff Wayne album whenever he’s annoyed with her,” I explained.

  Candela snorted. “Seriously?”

  Lucy nodded. “He puts it on full blast.”

  Candela’s expression suddenly turned serious as she locked Lucy’s gaze in hers. “Ullaaaa,” she uttered in a low dramatic voice.

  “Ullaaaa,” I echoed.

  Lucy glared at us for a moment, but she must have seen the funny side because we all broke into laughter. It felt like old times again.

  “God, I would sell my soul for a cigarette,” Candela said with a sigh.

  “So what happens next?” asked Lucy.

  Candela suddenly turned serious. “I think this was a wake-up call. I mean, you can’t get more of a slap in the face than a near-death experience.” She gave us a meaningful look. “I’ve talked to Mum, and we’ve decided on rehab. I’m checking in tomorrow.”

  “I’m so proud of you,” I said kissing her on the forehead. “We’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you both too,” she admitted. “I wanted to call, but, you know, I was so messed up. I didn’t want you to see me the way I was.”

  “You can always call us,” said Lucy. “We’re your family.”

  Candela turned her head away, and I could see she was
trying to blink back tears. “I’ve done things, you know,” her voice wavered. “Things I’m not proud of.”

  “Candela,” I said, putting my hand on her arm, “who hasn’t?”

  She wiped her eyes with the corner of her bedsheet, then turned to face us, smiling brightly. “Lucy, most probably.”

  Twenty-two

  I spent Christmas Eve at my parent’s place and woke up the next day to the sound of carols drifting through my window from our neighbors’ house. They played the same Michael Bublé soundtrack every single year. I glanced at my phone and realized with a shock that it was almost noon.

  I slipped into my favorite sundress, brushed my teeth, and ran a comb through my hair. When I got downstairs, I could see my parents were already setting up Christmas lunch. It was a tradition we had for as long as I could remember. “Why didn’t you wake me?” I asked.

  Dad was clutching a stack of placemats, and he looked up from the table and beamed at me. “Good morning, beautiful. Merry Christmas!”

  “Merry Christmas, Dad.” He drew me into a bear hug and kissed me lightly on the forehead.

  I wandered into the kitchen where Mum was checking on the turkey. “Merry Christmas, Mum,” I gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “Do you need me to help out with anything?”

  “I think I have it under control,” she said with a smile. She turned and looked at me, her gaze traveling down the length of my dress. “Do you want to put something else on?”

  “What do you mean? What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

  She sighed. “It’s a little plain for Christmas lunch, don’t you think? How about that nice dress I got you, the dark green one with the buttons down the front?”

  “I’m happy with the dress I’m wearing,” I said, a little tightly. I had sworn to myself that I wouldn’t let my mother get to me today. Besides, it was only lunch, and then I was free to meet up with Rad later in the day. I was looking forward to spending our first Christmas together.

  “We have guests coming,” she said, pulling on her oven mitts.