Married at First Swipe

by Claire Frost

This evening Hannah was hoping they wouldn’t spend it just talking about their sex life, but actually having sex. Tonight was the night, she’d decided, despite Jess’s comments that she shouldn’t rush into it. So what if she didn’t exactly have the fancy-the-pants-off-him feelings yet? Sleeping together would cement things between them and hopefully make everything less awkward – the more they acted like husband and wife, the more they’d feel it, surely?

  She stared at herself in the mirror, before realising she’d forgotten to change her greying bra and seen-better-days knickers for the pretty (and thankfully push-up) bra and matching lacy but not scratchy knickers she’d pulled from the back of her drawer, but then finally she was ready. She barely had time to brush her hair, slather on some concealer and a layer of foundation and chuck her lipstick in her bag, before shoving her feet into ankle boots, shrugging on her coat and thundering downstairs. At the last minute, she ran back upstairs, grabbed her toothbrush and threw it into her bag, then power-walked to the bus stop, thankful her coat was longer than her skirt, which was currently skimming her butt cheeks.

  Luckily, the bus driver saw her approaching and stopped for her so she didn’t have to wait for twenty minutes in the cold as the breeze whipped around her thighs. She thanked him profusely.

  She wriggled her skirt back down as delicately as possible, before plonking herself into a seat. As she got her breath back and added some powder to her face and colour to her lips, she decided that she just needed to relax and enjoy the evening – if the bus gods were smiling down on her then maybe the marriage gods would be too.

  It was at that point she realised she’d forgotten to pick up the bottle of Waitrose wine she’d bought to impress Toby.

  When she got off the bus, the only shop still open that wasn’t an artisanal coffee/wine emporium (their description, not hers) was the Co-op, and so she forked out a tenner on what she hoped was a decent bottle of red, but was more likely an overpriced, vinegar-tasting keep-at-the-back-of-the-cupboard abomination, but at least she’d tried.

  Eventually, her phone told her that she had reached her destination, and she looked around at the street of smart terraced houses and large trees rustling in the breeze as the evening drew in, and was immediately glad Toby had suggested she come to his house rather than him turning up at her scruffy rented flat.

  She knocked on the red front door and before she’d had a chance to pat her hair down, Toby opened it and stood before her. He was dressed in well-fitting dark-blue jeans and a maroon jumper, which Hannah knew before she even touched it was cashmere. Great minds, clearly. They smiled at each other shyly for a beat, then Toby quickly ushered her in.

  ‘Hey, good to see you, Hannah.’

  ‘And you, Tobes, or should I say “husband”?’

  ‘God, it still feels weird doesn’t it,’ he laughed. ‘I’m not sure when it’ll properly sink in. Come in, let me take your coat. You look lovely tonight.’

  ‘Thanks!’ she replied, tugging her skirt down as he relieved her of the only thing protecting her modesty. ‘You’re not looking too bad yourself. That colour really suits you.’

  ‘So my sister told me when she forced me to go shopping with her a few months ago. Seriously, I’m not sure why she seemed to think just because I was single I had no idea how to dress myself.’

  ‘Well, she was right about the jumper, so I’m definitely not dissing her – and from what I’ve seen, she isn’t someone who should ever be dissed, to be honest!’

  ‘Ha! You’re so right. Melissa may have a heart of gold but she doesn’t take kindly to being argued with, believe me. Can I get you a drink before the grand tour? There’s prosecco? Or I have wine, beer…’

  ‘Prosecco would be great, thanks. Oh, and I have this for you. It’s probably rubbish as there wasn’t much to choose from, so apologies in advance.’

  ‘It looks good to me.’ He smiled politely.

  ‘You know a bit more about wine than me, I can tell.’

  ‘What makes you think that? I mean, I’m not complaining, I’ve always wanted to at least look like I know something about wine.’

  ‘I just think you seem like a person who’s thoughtful and erudite when it comes to vino. You studied the wine list in St Lucia pretty carefully before ordering us a bottle when we had some with dinner.’

  ‘That may have been because I was trying to impress you and not quite so obviously order the second or third cheapest on the menu – and it seems to have worked! Here you go, and before you ask, I have no idea of this prosecco’s provenance beyond the fact it’s Italian and costs eight quid from Lidl. Anyway, cheers.’

  ‘To us!’ Hannah added, clinking her glass against Toby’s and taking a delicious glug that fizzed and popped in her mouth. ‘Hurrah for Lidl is what I say.’ She smiled at him and was touched by how much effort he’d clearly gone to and how nervous he was about her being in his home. ‘Now, are you going to show me round this establishment?’

  ‘Sorry, yes of course. Right, so this is fairly obviously the kitchen. Small but perfectly formed is how the estate agent described it when I came to view it, and I can confirm it is definitely small and definitely formed.’

  Hannah laughed, earning a smile in return from Toby.

  ‘And then through here is the living room,’ he continued.

  ‘This is nice.’ Hannah nodded, taking in the bay window and period fireplace, as well as the large sofa, big telly and shelves groaning under the weight of books. ‘And not nearly as bachelor pad-ish as I thought it might be. You’ve even got fairy lights round the fireplace!’

  Toby coloured slightly and looked sheepish. ‘If I’m being honest, they are a new addition, and again I’ll blame Melissa. When I WhatsApped my mates to ask them how to make the place look a little cosier, every single one of them messaged back with “cushions”, so I went out and bought a couple, as you’ll see. But when I asked Melissa, she immediately replied “fairy lights”. I didn’t know if she was actually being serious, but I took her at her word, and it seems John Lewis even sell Christmas tree lights in September, so they are now adorning my fireplace.’

  ‘They’re cute!’ Hannah laughed. ‘And the cushions are nice too. But I feel bad you felt you had to add these things just for me.’

  ‘I have actually become weirdly attached to the fairy lights now,’ Toby chuckled back. ‘God, this prosecco has gone straight to my head. Obviously it’s nothing to do with me being a bit nervous about showing you my house.’

  ‘Christ, don’t be nervous, you should see my flat!’ Hannah said. ‘Although, on second thoughts, let’s not mention my flat for now. Shall I pour us some more prosecco and then you can show me upstairs? I mean, not in that way, obviously.’ It was her turn to blush, and they both burst out laughing.

  ‘Let’s be honest, this is a bit of a weird situation and we’re both likely to embarrass ourselves at every opportunity so we should just go with it,’ Toby said, leading the way to the bedroom.

  The upstairs was compact but practical, and Hannah smiled at the pile of cushions arranged on the bed both in Toby’s room and in the spare room next door.

  ‘There was a three-for-two offer, so obviously I got six!’ Toby explained. ‘And this is the bathroom, which thankfully doesn’t have cushions in it.’

  ‘It looks nice and clean,’ Hannah commented, at a slight loss what else to say about the perfectly nice white bath, basin and loo.

  ‘I cleaned it specially. Although that’s not to say I only clean it when people come round,’ he added awkwardly. ‘Anyway, I hope you’re hungry as I’ve got an app full of takeaway options. I didn’t think I’d inflict dinner à la Toby on you – or me – so early on in the relationship,’ he added, leading her back down the stairs. ‘We could have Indian or pizza, or there’s a great Thai place?’

  ‘Ooh, yes, I’m a sucker for gaeng keow wan kai.’

  ‘I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain what that is. My knowledge doesn’t go further than green curry!�
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  ‘Sorry, I was being a knob trying to sound impressive!’ Hannah grimaced at how ridiculous she sounded. ‘Gaeng keow wan kai is actually plain old green curry with chicken, but for wankers who’ve spent time in Thailand and want to show off about the fact. So, yes, I’m a sucker for green curry.’

  ‘Well, we seem to have established that I don’t know much about wine, you know a bit more about Thai food and we both have a tendency to get rather pretentious from time to time.’

  They both laughed and Hannah felt herself relax a bit more, although that might have been the prosecco they were both glugging pretty fast. Toby filled their glasses and Hannah examined the pictures on the wall of the living room.

  ‘Is this the Blue Mountains?’ she asked, pointing to a photo of a gaggle of twenty-somethings all with their arms round each other and grinning.

  ‘Good Oz knowledge,’ Toby nodded. ‘That was a boiling hot day and a big group of us decided to do a long walk along the paths, only it was further than we had anticipated and by the time we got back we were all sweaty, sunburned and ridiculously thirsty. But it was pretty cool anyway.’

  ‘You look like you’re having fun.’ Hannah smiled, then stared more closely at the picture and the dark-haired girl leaning into Toby’s chest. Could she be his fiancée who had tragically died? She pulled her gaze away. ‘And this is a nice photo of you and your family.’ She pointed at another shot.

  ‘Yeah, I like it, despite never really loving pictures of myself,’ Toby answered quickly. ‘Weirdly, we were at my great-aunt’s funeral a few years ago and although it was sad, it was really nice to catch up with extended family and listen to amazing stories about my aunt and all her siblings growing up. She was pretty eccentric and her funeral was definitely not all black and sombre, which is why Melissa is wearing that bright blue dress and Mum made Dad wear a pink tie, which he hated. Whenever they come round and he sees that photo, he’s off again about how wrong it is to wear fuchsia to a funeral. So never mention it to him or else you’ll set him off! Actually, and I should have asked you before as Melissa definitely told me to, but I’m going over to Warrington tomorrow to see Melissa and Michaela and they invited you to come, too.’ He stopped talking and looked at Hannah awkwardly. ‘Sorry, I should have given you more notice and you’ve probably got other plans, I just thought—’

  ‘No, it’s fine, I’m pretty free tomorrow, so yes, I’ll come. It will be lovely to see Melissa again, and Michaela. I feel like I hardly spoke to them at the wedding.’

  Toby beamed. ‘Oh, great. They’ll be pleased, let me text them now. Michaela’s an amazing cook, she was talking about making something from the Dishoom cookbook. They went to the one in town so much they felt they ought to just buy the book and save some money!’

  As they waited for their takeaway to arrive, they chatted about adjusting to the Manchester weather after a week of Caribbean bliss, and returning to work.

  ‘It’s going to be so weird being in the office again after everything that’s happened, including that TV interview,’ Toby said. ‘I know you went back immediately, which must have been tough.’

  ‘Yeah, but at least I’m working with Jess, so I haven’t had to keep things a secret like you – although that secret is well and truly out now anyway! Although the flip side of that is Jess wants to know everything and has been questioning me non-stop about St Lucia. I think she wished she was there herself, to be honest!’

  ‘You’re lucky to work with your best mate. My team at work are great, and we go out for a few drinks every so often, but most of them are more colleagues than proper friends, you know. Although at least that means they probably won’t ask me too many questions! I’m their boss, anyway, so they’re not likely to say anything too awful to my face.’

  ‘I didn’t know you were one of the top bods,’ Hannah said. ‘If your underlings are too annoying I’d just give them a really horrible piece of work to do as punishment!’

  Later when they were full of pad Thai and green curry, Toby changed his Spotify playlist from guitar bands to a more mellow soundtrack.

  ‘Good choice, I love Michael Kiwanuka.’ Hannah smiled. ‘I’ve just thought, I don’t even know your favourite band, which is a bit rubbish since you’re my husband.’

  ‘Is it a cop-out to say I don’t really have a favourite?’ Toby said.

  ‘Well, it’s marginally better than saying you like Ed Sheeran and Coldplay, I s’pose!’

  ‘I know it sounds crap but I like loads of different music. I grew up listening to The Beatles and quite folky stuff my parents liked, and then I got really into indie in my teens and have just always liked guitar bands. Then as I’ve got older I’ve listened to more of a variety of stuff, from jazz to classical to Billie Eilish.’

  ‘Eclectic,’ Hannah laughed. ‘I feel like I missed out on loads of music that was around when I was in my twenties because I was travelling so much, so I spend half my life listening to the atrocious early noughties dance music I liked at uni, and the other half trying to get my head round what all the kids are listening to these days so I don’t feel so out of touch. Although I realise that even by saying that sentence, I prove how out of touch and grandma-ish I sound! My stepsister Seraphina seems to play Katy Perry and Ariana Grande on repeat, and she’s always trying to get me to floss or do whatever ridiculous dance is the new craze. I tried to teach her Whigfield’s ‘Saturday Night’ dance a few weeks ago, but she was having none of it because, and I quote, she would “look like she was in the olden days”.’

  ‘I guess the nineties are the equivalent of the olden days to kids today,’ Toby said, earning himself a pretend glare from Hannah.

  ‘Ha! Well, you’re even older than me, so that makes you ancient in Seraphina’s eyes.’

  ‘I’m only, what, three years older than you? Which means if I’m ancient, you’re peri-ancient, so there!’

  ‘Rude!’ Hannah snorted. ‘That’s not how husbands should behave to their wives.’

  ‘How should husbands behave then?’ Toby said, and Hannah felt the air around them become heavier. He moved towards her and she tilted her head. The feel of his lips on hers was soft and still unfamiliar. They’d barely had any physical contact since St Lucia; the only time they’d seen each other since was at the TV interview. Now she let herself melt into his touch and felt his lips and tongue explore her own until he slowly pulled away and grinned at her.

  ‘Is that how husbands should behave?’

  ‘I’m not sure; maybe you should show me again,’ she teased. It was Toby who pulled away a second time.

  ‘I think I’m starting to get a hang of this husband thing. What do you think?’

  ‘I’d agree, though you can always have more practice.’ This time their kiss lost its soft, exploratory feel and instead became hotter and more urgent. Hannah pulled her jumper off and Toby’s eyes widened a little when he saw her strappy vest top and enhanced cleavage. Hannah gave thanks to the creator of the push-up bra, and they resumed their exploring, this time in a little more depth. Her heartbeat increased as his hands moved across her chest and found her bare skin. Soon she was pushing at his jumper and reaching for his belt, but suddenly she felt his hand pull hers away and the rest of his body freeze.

  Hannah stopped immediately. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked as her breathing began to slow.

  ‘Yes. No. I’m sorry,’ Toby whispered. ‘I just…’

  ‘What is it?’ she replied quickly, searching Toby’s eyes for an explanation.

  ‘I… I want you to know that I haven’t been with anyone since… since Emma died.’

  Hannah froze, unsure of what to say to that and very aware that, without her jumper, she had a lot on display.

  Toby took a deep breath and continued: ‘I guess I’ve just been waiting for the right person; for it to really mean something. So I wouldn’t feel like I was dishonouring her, you know? But I don’t want to stop, Han. I just wanted you to know the truth.’

  Hannah tried
to reply, but couldn’t find the words. ‘Toby, I…’ She shuffled along to the end of the sofa and reached for her jumper. She forced her mouth into a smile and tried not to notice his look of confusion at her sudden change in demeanour. ‘We don’t have to rush things. We have the rest of our lives together, after all,’ she added, in an attempt to convey a certainty she definitely wasn’t feeling. ‘Look, it’s late, I’ll order an Uber.’

  ‘You’re leaving? I didn’t mean for you to go, I just thought I should be honest. I really do want to carry on, I was just—’

  ‘Toby, it’s fine, really. You don’t have to explain yourself.’

  She fiddled with the app on her phone, and there was an awkward silence as she waited for her taxi to appear. Hannah got up off the sofa to check out of the window then found herself staring at the pictures on the living-room wall again.

  She was shaken out of her thoughts by Toby coming to stand next to her. ‘Will you still come to Melissa’s tomorrow?’ he asked, biting his lip.

  ‘Of course. Look, Toby, I know tonight has ended up being a bit weird, but I guess this whole thing is a bit weird, isn’t it? I think we just need to feel our way through things as best we can and see what happens.’

  ‘Okay,’ he replied, but his attempt at a reassuring smile didn’t reach his eyes.

  Chapter 18 Jess

  ‘So, yeah, when your husband adds a ton of pressure by saying he’s essentially been saving himself for the right person, which he thinks is you, it kind of kills the mood.’ Hannah grimaced as she finished explaining to Jess that, no, her date night with Toby hadn’t been the biggest success.

  ‘But of course he thinks you’re the right person,’ Jess protested. ‘You’re married! I don’t think he meant to put all this pressure on you; he probably just wanted you to know that sleeping together is a big step for him because of what happened to his fiancée, which is kind of understandable, right?’

  ‘Yes,’ Hannah sighed. ‘But also, I don’t want to be compared to her, you know? It’s strange knowing he’s wishing she could be there with him instead of me. Way to make someone feel rubbish.’