Married at First Swipe

by Claire Frost

  Now it was her turn to widen her eyes in fear of what was coming next.

  ‘No, nothing like that,’ he reassured her. ‘Christ, I don’t have the energy to so much as glance at anyone else – not that I ever would,’ he added hurriedly. ‘What I meant is that I haven’t been honest with you about how I’m feeling either. Seeing Save The Date develop over the last few months has been amazing because I know how much work you’ve put into it, but as the business has grown, so has your need to have everything perfect around the house. It’s felt like you’ve not allowed yourself to switch off at any point, and in truth, I’ve been really worried about you. I didn’t know how to help because you didn’t let me in. You tried to cope with everything on your own and shut me out. And that made me feel like utter shit.’

  Although he spoke softly and without any menace whatsoever, Jess felt each of his words hit home like little arrows. She stared in shock at her husband. ‘I… I had no idea that’s how you were feeling. Or rather how I was making you feel,’ she stuttered.

  ‘I know. And that’s my fault for not being honest. Or forcing you to let me help, rather than taking a step back and letting you become more and more stressed. I’m sorry, Jess.’

  In truth, Jess didn’t really know what to say. She’d always been one for making sure things were ‘just so’ and she knew that lately she’d felt like she was having to be the one to make sure both the household and the business were running smoothly, but she’d thought that was because Tom had stopped doing even small things round the house and obviously Save The Date had taken off with the wedding and all the publicity around it. To hear from her husband that she had largely been the architect of her own stress by not letting anyone help had shaken her more than she could articulate.

  Seeing her floundering, Tom reached for her other hand, too. ‘Look at me, Jess. I love you and I will always love you. But I’ve stood by and watched for too long as you’ve become a shadow of your former self. You shouldn’t have had to resort to taking a week away from the family for me to realise what more I should be doing. But I was scared – for me and you. All I really care about is your happiness. It doesn’t matter if we don’t have piles of money, it doesn’t matter if the kids don’t get top marks for some poxy geography project all the other parents have spent the night making, and it certainly doesn’t matter if the washing-up from the night before is left on the side. I know we don’t want to live in a pigsty, but we have two amazing, boisterous children who make a mess just eating an orange from the fruit bowl, so we’re never going to live in a pristine home. And, to me, that’s okay; it’s enough that we’re doing our best as busy, working parents. I’m just worried that you think it – or rather you – are never enough.’

  Tom stopped speaking and swallowed hard, this time not filling the silence left between them. Jess knew it was her turn to be honest.

  ‘You’re right: I do feel like I’m not enough. I dropped out of uni unlike you and Hannah and everyone else we seem to know. You have a degree that proves you’re qualified to make a living from what you love – I don’t. When I started Save The Date, I had no idea what I was doing, but I spent so long pretending I did, I’d almost convinced myself it was true. And then my small but steady little business began to get into trouble and the bank started making threats, and at the same time our relationship became more strained and I found it harder to keep all the plates spinning. I started to question how I could expect to successfully help people to find their happy-ever-afters when my own marriage was in trouble, but instead of facing the problem head-on and talking to you like an adult, I threw all my energies into making a success of Hannah’s blind-date wedding to prove I wasn’t a failure. But even then I couldn’t enjoy what was happening because I knew Hannah’s happiness was so tied up with Save The Date’s success, and Save The Date’s success was so tied up with Hannah’s happiness that if one plate stopped spinning, it would all come tumbling down, and not only would I be failing as a wife and mother, I’d also be failing as a friend, employer and breadwinner. I feel like I haven’t been fulfilling any of my roles properly.’ She pulled her hand away from Tom’s to reach for another tissue before continuing. ‘Being away this week has made me realise I don’t know who I am anymore. If I’m a rubbish mother, crap wife and self-serving friend, then what kind of person does that make me?’

  Tom barely let her finish her sentence before he said angrily, ‘You’re not rubbish or crap or self-serving. You can be stubborn and too determined to do things on your own and afraid to ask for help. Jess, you need to put yourself first sometimes. Your happiness matters. I’m just as guilty of burying my head in the sand; I could see what was happening and failed to do anything about it. Please believe that it’s not because I didn’t want to, it’s because I was scared of doing the wrong thing and making you even more unhappy. I was scared of… of losing you.’

  They were both crying now and reached for a tissue at the same time, before sob-laughing at how ridiculous the situation was.

  ‘Look, Jess, I am as much to blame for all of this as you. We seem to have fallen into roles that don’t reflect who we are and we’ve taken each other for granted. Your control-freak tendencies might have gone into overdrive, but I hold my hands up that I’ve not been pulling my weight. I’ve felt worn down and exhausted, although I know you must have been feeling that even more so. All week I’ve been replaying what I said to you on the way home from ParkRun, and every time I think about it, it gets worse. You are the best mum to our children and we are all so lucky to have you. And I am so happy they are growing up with you as a role model, both as a mother and a businesswoman.’

  Jess blew loudly into her tissue and they both laughed. ‘And as a nose honker!’ she said. ‘I wish we’d had this conversation six months ago,’ she added, as Tom nodded. ‘But maybe it took something to tip me over the edge before I could face up to it all.’

  ‘And that’s what we need to change,’ agreed Tom. ‘I can’t bear the thought of you being unhappy and not talking to me about it, whether it’s to do with the kids, or us, or the business. We’re in this together, Jess, I promise.’

  ‘I know,’ she said sadly. ‘Or at least I realise that now anyway. I love you, Tom, and I love Sam and Lily with every fibre of my being, but I’m not just a wife and mother. If I’m honest, I think I still need to prove to myself that I’m capable of excelling in my career too. Hopefully selling Save The Date will not only give us some much-needed money, but will buy me a little time. Time to spend with my family, as well as time to spend working out exactly what it is I want to do. Being in the Lakes made me realise that time is the most important commodity in all of this. I rushed into starting the company after I was made redundant and I knew I had to make it work no matter what. Hopefully, if I can now sell it I’ll be able to take the time I need to find something I’m truly passionate about.’

  ‘And I will support you with everything I’ve got. But maybe being all of those things – a mum, a wife, a successful woman at work – doesn’t have to mean being “perfect”, Jess,’ Tom said gently. ‘Everyone’s idea of perfect is different. Surely being happy is the most important thing? And knowing that you’re not the only person responsible for everyone’s happiness. We’re a team, the twins are also on our team, as is Hannah and so are our parents. You don’t have to be superwoman on your own, even if you are a super woman to me.’

  * * *

  Jess walked towards the school, hand in hand with Tom. She’d trowelled on a ton of foundation and concealer to hide the worst of the ‘I’ve spent twenty-four hours crying’ evidence, and had accessorised with her brightest scarf and the fluoro yellow trainers she’d bought on a whim because they were in the sale at John Lewis and Lily had told her she would be embarrassed to be seen with her wearing them. As they reached the growing huddles of parents at the gates, Jess wondered why she and Tom didn’t both come to pick the kids up more often. They’d chosen to walk rather than drive and she already knew t
here’d be grumbling when the twins realised they’d have to wait longer to get their hands on the all-important snacks at home, but it was grumbling she couldn’t wait to hear.

  She and Tom kept their hands entwined until they saw two excited children rushing towards them and they stretched out their arms.

  ‘Mum! You’re back! Did you bring us a present?’

  Chapter 25 Hannah

  A grey and windy Saturday afternoon in late October wasn’t the best time for an emotionally charged walk around a city centre marina, Hannah belatedly thought as she pulled her scarf higher up her neck and battled her way through the Northern Quarter. Especially as she was already ten minutes late and she couldn’t remember if there was anywhere to shelter from the Manchester elements. But at least it wasn’t raining. She hurried towards the water and almost walked smack-bang into a man with his coat zipped up as far as it would go and his head down against a particularly fierce gust of wind.

  ‘Sorry!’ she gasped. And then, ‘Toby?’

  They stood, just inches apart, winded by the sight of each other.

  ‘Hannah!’

  Her mouth opened and closed as she grappled with what to say. Toby seemed equally dumbstruck, until a sharp gust whipped round them, and he grabbed her arm to steady her.

  ‘There’s a nice bakery down the road, shall we go there?’

  Hannah nodded, still unable to speak as rain suddenly began spilling from the sky as if a hose had been turned on and sprayed directly in their faces. She followed Toby at a sprint and they both arrived at the café dripping. Hannah peeled off her coat and faffed around placing it on the back of her chair as she tried to force her breathing to return to normal. Thankfully, Toby went to the counter to order them coffee and by the time he came back bearing a muffin and a huge pastry covered with strawberries, Hannah was mostly recovered.

  ‘I couldn’t decide which you’d prefer,’ he confessed.

  ‘Thanks, they both look yummy,’ Hannah said, smiling at him shyly. They picked at the cakes as they waited for their coffees to be brewed and frothed, but finally they had flat whites in front of them and had exhausted all conversation about their pastries.

  ‘Sorry I was a bit late,’ Hannah began. ‘I hope you didn’t think I wasn’t going to come.’

  ‘No, you said you were coming, so I knew you’d come,’ he said. ‘Though I got there a bit early and wished I’d thought to suggest we meet somewhere a little warmer,’ he added ruefully.

  ‘Bloody Manc weather.’ Hannah grimaced. There was a silence and they both reached for their drinks. ‘Thanks for agreeing to meet me,’ she started again. ‘Look, Toby, I owe you an apology. No, hear me out,’ she added, holding up her hand as he tried to show he disagreed. ‘However frustrated and upset I was, I should never have said what I did. I can’t imagine what you went through when Emma died – it must have been truly awful, and I know it’s something you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life.’ She swallowed hard before continuing. ‘And I definitely don’t regret getting married. But honestly, I don’t think I’d properly considered what would happen after the wedding, or after the honeymoon, when we both returned to our normal lives that suddenly another person was a significant part of. I wasn’t prepared to feel so awkward, so unsure of my own feelings, let alone yours, so unequipped to be a wife. But now I can see that it’s hardly surprising I felt like that – and still do feel like that, if I’m being honest. I mean, it’s not every day you marry a man you’ve never even seen, is it! But maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s okay that we both feel a bit weird about everything and don’t know how to react to certain situations; maybe it’s okay that we get things wrong sometimes simply because we’ve not been in this position before; and maybe it’s okay if one of us has a freak-out every so often. But we have to talk to each other. You’re the only other person on the planet who can truly understand how I’m feeling – because you’re going through this too. So maybe if we tell each other what we’re thinking and are honest with each other, we can see where this crazy, mad situation takes us?’

  Hannah stopped speaking and looked at Toby, aware that now she had laid her cards on the table, he could still send everything crashing to the floor. She gripped the handle of her coffee cup.

  ‘You’re right,’ he said instead. ‘This is a crazy, mad situation and we were kidding ourselves if we thought we were prepared for it. And I’m as guilty of getting swept up in the wedding and immediate aftermath as you are. It’s always easier to focus on those fun, exciting details than it is to face the scary big picture.’ Hannah nodded in agreement, but gripped her mug even tighter, aware there was more to be said.

  ‘But we do need to look at the bigger picture and be more honest with each other, as you said. So we need to talk about Emma. Or rather, I need to talk about Emma.’ Toby took a gulp of his drink, but then carried on speaking. ‘Two and a half years ago I thought I had everything, but then Emma lost control of her car and skidded into a tree on the way home after a night out. She hadn’t been drinking, but it was late and foggy and she was killed pretty much instantly. As much I had loved her, I was angry with her for a long time after she died because that night she took away not only her future, but mine.’ He picked up his cup but didn’t raise it to his mouth. Hannah didn’t speak as she wanted to give him space, and just as she was starting to feel uncomfortable about the silence between them, Toby placed his cup back down and looked up at her.

  ‘It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact it was an accident and to forgive both her and myself. Maybe if I’d been in the car with her I’d have been able to stop the crash from happening. I’ll never know. But what I do know is my life changed completely in that moment. For eighteen months I thought it had changed only for the worse. But gradually, I began to find my way back to living again and tried to rediscover the fun, loving, interesting man I used to be. Then when Melissa strong-armed me into applying to be part of Save The Date’s project and I got deeper into the process, I realised that maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel. Meeting you changed everything again. Suddenly I saw that I could have another long-term relationship, another future. But I realise that I’ve been trying to race towards that future in my head in the hope that, that way, nothing bad will happen to take it all away from me again. I’m not exactly the same person I was before Emma died, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. And just because I find another woman attractive and funny and smart and funny – oh, I’ve already said that!’

  Hannah laughed and blushed, but allowed him to continue.

  ‘It doesn’t mean I’m disrespecting Emma. I think I’ve finally realised that. Does that make sense?’

  ‘Yes,’ Hannah said gently. ‘It makes perfect sense. And while we’re being honest about everything, I think I’ve built up this feeling in my head that I’ll never live up to this amazing woman you were engaged to and thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. And instead you ended up with me. That night at your house I felt this huge pressure to live up to the woman you wanted me to be. I’d started to believe that I’d always be second best to Emma; that I wasn’t worth all that waiting you’ve done.’

  She raised her gaze nervously to meet his and was relieved to see he was smiling, but there was also sadness in his expression.

  ‘I’m so sorry that I put that extra pressure on you; I should have thought before I spoke, especially at that moment when we were…’ He tailed off, and they shared an embarrassed smile. ‘You and Emma are two very different people, Han,’ he said quietly. ‘But I never want you to feel like you’re in competition with her, and I know she would want me to be happy. In fact, I think you’d have really got on with each other, if that’s not too weird to say. She’d have loved how funny you are and how you care so deeply about your friends and family. She’s still a part of my life and always will be, but this is about you. And from everything I already know about you, I am so glad you are here.’

  They smil
ed at each other again. ‘I’m glad I’m here, too,’ Hannah said. She glanced over to the table next to them and was met with eavesdropping gawps from the two women sitting there, though when they saw her looking, they immediately busied themselves pouring another cup of tea from their pot. ‘It looks like the rain has stopped.’

  Toby nodded. ‘And the wind doesn’t seem quite so intense.’

  ‘Maybe we should brave a bit of fresh air?’ Hannah suggested.

  ‘Good plan,’ Toby replied, smiling at her.

  Hannah dug her hands into her pockets as they wandered round the edge of the marina, her mind retracing the steps of the conversation she and Toby had just had. It seemed to have gone well and they were both obviously making an effort, but there were still things they hadn’t talked about that she knew needed to be addressed.

  ‘I’ve been thinking a lot about why travelling has been such a big part of my life,’ she said as they walked past a couple of swans serenely paddling in and out of the colourful boats moored up along the brick walls. ‘And I think maybe it started out as an escape from real life and the need to get away and spread my wings, but now it’s become part of who I am, part of my DNA. And it’s not because I want to run away from my job or my family or my friends – although I admit it definitely was at one point when I was younger – it’s because I want to add to all of those things; to enhance them with my experiences of visiting new places and trying new things. I guess what I’m saying is that there’s no need to feel threatened by it all, and if we do it together, it can be something that helps bind us as a couple. But I also get that trekking around Chile for three months and living out of a backpack might not be your thing. Hell, I’m not even sure it’s my thing anymore, if I’m honest – I’ve done enough camping to last me a lifetime! But we need to talk about our dreams, our bucket lists, our future, otherwise every time one of us makes a decision or expresses a preference, it could come as a huge shock to the other person and rock everything we’ve been trying to build between us, don’t you think?’