Married at First Swipe

by Claire Frost

  ‘Of course I do! But I’m just not sure that’s enough,’ he’d added miserably.

  ‘Then make it enough. Make her see how much you love her. Make her see how much you love her for being an amazing wife, a brilliant mum, a successful businesswoman, a ridiculously good friend. And for being as flawed a human being as you are. Neither of you are perfect, but as long as you are both determined to try to make things better, then maybe love is enough.’ Hannah had looked up at Tom’s face and saw that the tears pricking her own eyes were mirrored in those falling down his cheeks. She’d squeezed his hand and brushed the sleeve of her jumper across her face. There had been a beat of silence while they both pulled themselves together, then suddenly an idea had struck Hannah and she’d sniffed then grinned at Tom. ‘What if you planned a party to celebrate ten years of being married? You could renew your vows and everything! Jess and I were just talking about this a few weeks ago before my wedding.’

  ‘Would she really like that, do you think?’ Tom had asked. ‘I don’t want to get this wrong and make her more angry and frustrated.’

  ‘She’d love it!’ Hannah had grinned. ‘I’m not saying it’s going to solve all your problems, but it’s about showing you care. Although, instinctively, she’d want to organise every single detail herself – but you can’t let her. She’s such a control freak but we all know sometimes she goes too far – she just can’t help herself. What do you think?’

  ‘I think it’s a great idea,’ Tom had replied, the first smile Hannah had seen in a long time hitting his face. ‘But I’m worried she’ll end up wishing she had organised it all herself.’

  ‘Then you’ll just have to make it the best party ever.’

  * * *

  Hannah stepped off the bus outside G-ma’s sheltered housing block and made her way to her grandma’s flat. When she’d called G-ma the previous evening and asked if she fancied an early lunch, she’d been subjected to some robust questioning about why she wouldn’t be at work and what had happened that necessitated a daytime visit, but she’d managed to brush her off at least enough for G-ma to say, ‘Okay, well, if you’re sure, Hannah darling, you know I’ll never turn down a free lunch, and we can talk about what’s actually behind all this when I see you!’ Hannah had had to smile as she said goodbye and hung up the call; G-ma might be in her late eighties and physically not as strong as she once was, but she was still a wily customer, just as she’d always been.

  ‘It’s me, G-ma,’ Hannah said now into the intercom, and immediately the door clicked and she was granted entry. Her grandma was already dressed in her smart coat, complete with bejewelled brooch, and clutching the LK Bennett handbag Hannah had saved up to get her from duty-free for her eighty-fifth birthday a few years before, as she knew the old lady had coveted a posh bag her whole life. Her hair was freshly set by the lady who did the rounds of the sheltered-accommodation block twice a week, and she was sitting in the wheelchair she used when she needed to go further than the rooms in her flat or a car parked outside. She immediately fixed Hannah with a beady eye.

  ‘You’re looking lovely this morning, G-ma,’ Hannah said, as she bent to give her a kiss on her cheek, the familiar scents of Nivea cream and powder tickling her nose.

  ‘And you’re looking rather shifty, my darling. I knew something was going on. Out with it!’

  ‘Detective G-ma strikes again!’ Hannah laughed. ‘Let’s at least position ourselves in the restaurant with a glass of wine in our hands before you interrogate me any further. Are you ready to go?’

  Hannah pushed her grandma out of her flat and a few hundred metres down the road to the large garden centre with its pretty café that was a big hit with residents of the sheltered housing block and their relatives alike, as it not only served excellent scones with clotted cream, but also had a licence to sell alcohol.

  ‘I’ve been dreaming about a nice big glass of Chardonnay all morning!’ G-ma sighed as she sipped the large white wine Hannah had immediately ordered for them both. ‘Now, young lady, are you going to tell me what’s going on? Is it that handsome husband of yours?’

  ‘How did you guess?’

  ‘The way your smile hasn’t reached your eyes today, the set of your chin because you don’t agree with something he’s said or done, the way you keep checking your phone to see if he’s sent you a message.’

  ‘I’m waiting to hear from Jess, actually!’

  ‘Is she still thinking of selling the dating application? In fact, let’s come back to that and focus on you and Toby. What’s happened?’

  Hannah took a deep breath and let it out as slowly as possible before she began speaking. ‘It feels like he’s unable to talk to me about anything important. Any weirdness or awkwardness between us, he’ll just gloss over and pretend didn’t happen so we never actually talk about real things. Of course there’s going to be weird and awkward conversations – we’ve only known each other a few weeks and are still trying to work out who the other person is, but it’s like he has to pretend that everything’s perfect between us, especially when we’re with other people. And then when I do question him about something or disagree with what he’s done, he just totally shuts down and won’t speak to me.’

  G-ma looked at her keenly. ‘And what was it you disagreed with?’

  ‘His parents suggested we go to theirs for the whole of Christmas and he immediately said yes, without even asking me. I was planning to go to Australia to see Dee. He just didn’t get why I was so annoyed.’

  ‘I see. And what did you say when he didn’t understand why you were so put out?’

  Hannah took a long swig of her wine. ‘I may have said I was beginning to think the whole marriage thing hadn’t been the best idea.’

  ‘And what did he say to that?’

  ‘That’s the problem; he didn’t say anything. And I’ve heard nothing from him since. Again, he just won’t engage when it comes to anything important.’

  G-ma fixed her with a thoughtful gaze. ‘Did you ever ask Toby if he wanted to come to Australia with you?’

  ‘Well, no. He seemed very clear we were spending Christmas with his parents.’

  ‘So you didn’t actually suggest that both of you went to see Dee?’

  ‘No. It didn’t really cross my mind to.’

  G-ma gave her another long look and paused before she replied gently, ‘And do you not think it should have crossed your mind to invite your husband on your travels?’

  Hannah shifted uncomfortably in her seat as G-ma’s words hit home, and she was glad that the waiter chose that moment to come over with their lunch.

  Once they were left alone again, G-ma said conversationally, ‘Have I ever told you about the first argument me and your Gramps had?’

  ‘No. You two never really argued, did you? You’ve always said that Gramps would take himself off and smoke his pipe in the shed when he needed to let off a little steam – literally, ha! – and when he came back you’d both be ready to compromise.’

  ‘And that’s true, to a point, darling. But of course we argued! We were like any other couple – neither of us were saints. And, yes, we learned the art of compromise over the years, but my goodness we had a few humdingers to start with!’

  ‘You’ve never told me that,’ Hannah said, putting down her knife and fork.

  Her grandma sighed a little. ‘Hannah, darling, I fear I may have presented a somewhat idealised view of my marriage to you as you were growing up. And don’t look like that, Robbie and I were just as much in love as I’ve always said we were – I still am in love with him and always will be. But I never wanted you to think that we had some kind of miracle relationship where we never disagreed or I never thought he was being foolish or selfish. Of course there were times that I thought those things of him – and he thought them of me. But we got through those times. And the more we did that, the more we realised we didn’t need to have the argument in the first place – if we’d told each other how we were feeling from the beginning
, more often than not we could have saved ourselves the row further down the line.’

  Hannah stared at her grandma, her brain a whirl of half-questions and mixed-up thoughts. She took another sip of wine. ‘How did you know?’ she asked simply.

  ‘You mean how did I know that Robbie was The One?’ G-ma replied astutely. ‘I had a feeling deep in my chest. Ever since meeting him at the village fete on the Saturday and him coming round for tea with my mother after church on Sunday. It was like my heart was telling me not to let this man leave.’ She blinked watery eyes at her granddaughter and reached for her hand. ‘But, Hannah, just because you didn’t have that feeling doesn’t mean Toby isn’t The One. Everyone is different, even the time we live in now is different. The important thing is that you’re happy. You have to find your own path to that happiness, and that might be a different path from the one I travelled with your Gramps. Maybe Toby isn’t The One for you, but also maybe he is. Only the two of you can work that one out. But I’ll tell you this: I may have known Robbie was The One that very first day I met him and that never changed, but what did change was my love for him; it grew every single day we were together. And that’s because we both put everything we had into it.’ She squeezed Hannah’s hand. ‘Can you hand on heart say you’ve put everything you’ve got into your relationship with Toby?’

  Hannah looked down at her plate and was silent for a few moments, before replying, ‘No. But neither has Toby. I can change how I go about things, but if he refuses to talk to me, what more can I do?’

  ‘How hard have you tried to talk to him in the last few days?’ G-ma asked quietly.

  ‘Well, I… Fine, I haven’t tried to talk to him either,’ she sighed.

  ‘Hannah, darling, you are sometimes more like your mother than you imagine. The only person I’ve met who is more stubborn than her is you! Are you really going to give up and run away from something so important? Either you or Toby has to be the one to make the first move, and why shouldn’t it be you?’

  Silence stretched between them as Hannah wrestled with her thoughts. ‘Fine, okay, I’ll be the one to make the first move! But what if he still refuses to talk about the important things?’

  ‘Tell him how you feel,’ G-ma said simply. ‘And don’t use any of that iMessage or Skype rubbish. You need to speak to him face to face. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. You can’t let your worry about him rejecting you stand in the way of your happiness.’

  ‘I’m… I’m scared,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t know if I can do that, G-ma.’

  ‘You can and you must,’ G-ma said firmly. ‘Promise me, Hannah darling. Promise me you’ll at least try.’

  Hannah sighed and knew when she was beaten. ‘I promise,’ she said quietly. She felt her grandma’s hand relax in hers and suddenly G-ma looked every one of her eighty-eight years, which made Hannah feel terrible. She shook herself. ‘Let’s have coffee back at the flat,’ she added. ‘I’ll get the bill and then we can go. I might even watch that terrible quiz show with you, if you don’t mind me beating you, that is!’

  ‘You’ll be lucky!’ G-ma replied, but without the vigour she usually would have shown.

  As Hannah washed up their mugs an hour later, leaving G-ma snoozing in front of the TV, she felt both guilty at wearing her grandmother out, but also weirdly like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She gave her a gentle kiss and made sure her tablets were on the kitchen table for when her carer popped round later, then quietly shut the front door behind her.

  Hannah rested her head against the window as the musty bus creaked its way down the road. She’d never broken a promise to G-ma in her whole life, so she reluctantly pulled her phone from her pocket and began composing a text. Twenty minutes later, as the bus pulled up at her stop, she jabbed the ‘Send’ button, and quickly shoved her phone back into her pocket, determined not to check it for at least the five minutes it would take her to get home, open her door, kick off her shoes and fall into her sofa.

  When she finally dared to look at the screen, she immediately saw a notification: Toby had replied.

  Chapter 24 Jess

  Twenty-four hours earlier than she’d planned, Jess battled to find room for her case on the train and eventually sank gratefully into her seat. At the B&B, she’d finally fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning, and not even a long stint under the power shower and a cooked breakfast had done much to make her look or feel rested and revitalised. But Jess knew that, as well as attending her business meeting, her break in the Lake District had been necessary. It had given her the time and space to realise what was really important to her, from her family to her job to her own mental health. But as the train trundled towards Manchester, she knew too that the next hours and days weren’t going to be easy for either her or Tom, as they faced up to the realities of what needed to change.

  Jess hadn’t been in touch with Tom since the twins’ FaceTime call the previous afternoon, so he didn’t know she was coming home early. She considered treating herself to a taxi from Piccadilly Station, but the thought of arriving on her own doorstep so soon made her heart thump in her chest uncomfortably. So she lingered in the station, gazing pointlessly at bags and shoes she was never going to buy in shops she would never normally have given a second look. Finally, after doing a lap of the concourse, she got on the local train that would take her towards home. She only allowed her mind to turn to the conversation she knew she needed to have with Tom once she was walking over the railway bridge and making her way down the road. Acid rose in her throat as she slowly and deliberately found her keys and unlocked the door.

  ‘H-hello?’ she called in a voice that sounded strangely unlike her own. She heard a door opening and his unmistakable footsteps coming closer. ‘Tom?’

  ‘Jess! You’re home!’ Tom didn’t question why she was standing frozen in the hall, coat still on, suitcase beside her, on a completely different day and at a completely different time than she’d told him a few days before. He wrapped his arms around her and held his lips against her hair. After a beat, Jess felt her whole body instinctively soften at his touch and she lost herself in him. For a long moment, she breathed in his woody smell, his comforting warmth and the slight stubble on his soft skin. She was home. But then she made herself pull away from his embrace. Seeing the surprise on his face, she touched his arm gently.

  ‘Tom, we need to talk.’

  * * *

  Strangely desperate to have the conversation she had been putting off, Jess would have gladly spilled the contents of her heart right there and then in the draughty hallway, but perhaps sensing the seriousness of her impending speech, Tom had insisted they go into the kitchen and have a cup of coffee, and that she take off her coat and boots.

  ‘Otherwise it looks as if you’re not staying!’ he’d joked, before he’d realised how inappropriate his words were, given the last few days.

  An awkward silence reached out between them.

  Now, looking around the kitchen, Jess was surprised how tidy it was. Sure, there were a few mugs on the side that she would have cleared away, and a pile of post on the table she would have already sorted through, but she’d been expecting a bombsite on her return.

  ‘Here’s your tea,’ Tom said, his smile not reaching his eyes. Jess took the No.1 MUM mug from him and wondered whether he’d picked that specific one intentionally.

  ‘Thanks.’ She took a sip of the scalding liquid then set it down on the table. ‘I did a lot of thinking while I was away, Tom.’

  He looked at her with frightened eyes, but nodded encouragingly. ‘That’s good. Did it help you, do you think? The time to think, I mean.’ They both smiled as he fumbled over his words, their expressions acknowledging they both knew how hard it was – and would be – to say the words they needed to say.

  She nodded. ‘It did. Being away made me realise that things can’t go on the way they are.’ She saw the fear increase on Tom’s face and she reached for his hand. ‘Neither of us have bee
n very happy over the past few months, have we? I love you, Tom, but if I’m being honest, lately I’m not sure how much we’ve liked each other. I know we would both lay down our lives for the twins, no questions asked, but I don’t think either of us are being the best parent to them while we’re constantly arguing.’

  ‘Jess, I don’t think—’

  ‘No, Tom, please let me finish,’ she said urgently. ‘We can make this work, I know we can, but we both need to be prepared to change. We’re not the same people we were when we were fifteen, or even when the twins were little. I’m a mum, a wife, a friend, but also a business owner who wants to make a success of all the hours of toil and sacrifice I’ve put into it – but not at the expense of my family. And it’s the same for you – you’re a brilliant dad, a great husband, but you also have a fledgling business that needs your care and attention if it’s going to succeed. But I think we’re both struggling with all of these roles. I feel like I’m failing at being a mum, a wife, a friend and even though Save The Date is doing okay now, I feel like I’m failing at that too because I’m not giving it my full attention. And it’s making me unhappy. I don’t want to spend another week, month, year or whatever feeling like this; like I’m letting everyone down.’

  ‘You’re not letting anyone down, Jess!’ Tom burst out. ‘I’m the one letting us all down by not bringing in enough money or spending enough time with the kids. Or appreciating everything you do for us enough.’

  Jess swallowed the lump at the back of her throat as she saw the tears at the corner of Tom’s eyes, and squeezed his hand even harder. ‘I think we both agree neither of us are in line for an award any time soon, but all the more reason to change things, don’t you think?’

  Tom swiped his hand across his eyes. ‘Yes, definitely.’ Jess saw him take a shuddering breath in and he squeezed her hand back. ‘I feel like I haven’t been honest with you for the last few months, Jess.’