Living the Afterlife, a Death and Chronos flash fiction collection

by River Fairchild

particularly amusing way to torture him?”

  “Hell no. He’s the best bouncer I’ve ever had and he broke Lilith’s habit of sticking gum under the tables, too.”

  Chronos stared at him. “Jeeves? I thought he buttled.”

  “Buttled?” Lucien gave him a blank look.

  Death nudged Time in the ribs with his olecranon. “I don’t think that’s a real word, my friend.”

  Jeeves came out of the back carrying trays of food. He set it all down on the table and held up a glass dish.

  “Peanut, sir?”

  Death looked at the four peanuts lying there and raised his metacarpus.

  “No! Wait.” Lucien ran to the bar and hurdled it, racing back with a bowl full of peanuts. He wiped the sweat from his brow with one hand as he offered the snack to Death with the other.

  “Jeeves, go greet our other guests,” Lucien said and heaved a sigh of relief as Death took the bowl from him.

  Chronos chuckled as he watched Jeeves take a clothes brush to Michael’s wings and light Clotho’s cigar for her.

  “You have him well-trained, Lucien, but he’s living on borrowed time around Death.”

  “I see that,” Evil muttered. Death’s eye sockets still glowed red and he hadn’t tossed a single peanut into them yet.

  When War stomped in, Jeeves tried to fuss with his cloak and got a smack in the jaw for his efforts. Death settled back and tossed a peanut into his eye socket, his jaw dropped in a grin. He picked up the deck of cards and shuffled them.

  “Five card stud, anyone? Opening wager is Jeeves’s soul.”

  The Color of Life

  “Admit it. You let Lucien win Jeeves back in the poker game.”

  Chronos smiled as Death pretended not to hear him, the tunes of Death Cab for Cutie vibrating through his skull from the iPod he wore.

  “Okay, I’ll quit asking. We should leave anyway so Matilda can clean the house.”

  Death removed the ear buds and dropped his jaw in a smile.

  “I have a client to meet soon. You want to go with me?”

  “Sure. I’ve got time.”

  They rode Death’s Harley down to Earth and into the parking lot of a pre-school. Chronos blinked back moisture as they entered the building and Death sat down next to a little girl coloring at a table. These were the hardest ones to accept, but Death showed the kindness that made him a true friend.

  “Good morning, Katie.” Death picked up a blue crayon with his phalanges. “Do you mind if I color in the sky while you’re working on the trees? We don’t have much time to visit.”

  “Sure, Than-an-t…I can’t say your name.”

  “Just call me Death, honey.” The innocent always recognized him for who he really was.

  Chronos wiped the tears from his eyes. Maybe he shouldn’t have come after all.

  Death finished coloring the sky for her and then stood.

  “I have to go now.” He patted the warm flesh of her hand with his cold bones.

  Chronos sniffed and Death handed him a tissue.

  “Will I see you again?” Katie asked.

  “Yes, but not for a long time. Thank you for letting me color with you.”

  Death turned and headed for the door, Chronos following in confusion.

  “She wasn’t your client?”

  “No, my client just had a heart attack out on the sidewalk.”

  “Then what were we doing in here?”

  Death swung his radius and ulna around Time’s shoulders.

  “I wanted to color. It’s the special moments in life that give meaning to death.”

  “Oh. Sorry for blubbering.” Chronos rubbed his nose, embarrassed by his emotional outburst.

  “No, my friend,” Death said gently. “It’s your compassion that I value most in our friendship. I would do anything for you.”

  “Does this mean you’ll let me drive the Harley back home?”

  Death laughed, the sound rattling his rib cage. “No. I would like to keep valuing our friendship and another dunk in the lake might seriously strain it.”

  One Helluva Party

  Death roared into the driveway on his chopper, arriving at the strange address that Lucien had given them for his annual luau.

  “Did he tell you why he picked Canada this year?” Chronos asked as he held his robes away from the hot tailpipe and removed his helmet.

  “No. He didn’t say why, but I suspect he has an ulterior motive. He always does. In the meantime, let us enjoy ourselves, my friend. I can smell the roasted pig from here.”

  Death hung his helmet on the handlebar and they walked around to the back, where the festivities were.

  They found Evil talking to the DJ, one of the special demons he brought up for the event. Lucien spotted them and hurried over.

  “I’m glad you both could make it.”

  “What are all of these humans doing here?” Chronos looked about in surprise. “Is that a wedding party over there, with a bride and groom?”

  “Well, yes. I agreed to cater their wedding reception.”

  “You what?” Chronos and Death both said in unison.

  “I don’t see what the big deal is,” Lucien muttered.

  “And if one of the guests just happens to fall into your fire pits…?” Death glared at him, his eye sockets starting to glow.

  Lucien held his hands up. “I wouldn’t take the bride or groom, of course.”

  Chronos turned his hourglass, freezing the scene. “Explain.”

  Evil chomped down hard on his cigar, curls of smoke rising from his head.

  “Look, I was desperate. The bride wouldn’t give Jeeves back unless I catered her reception. She’s one mean dealer.”

  Chronos noted the admiring glance Lucien shot in her direction. He seemed rather taken with her.

  Death grabbed a bowl of peanuts off a table and tossed one of his favorite snacks in the air.

  “You can’t have any souls here.”

  “None?”

  “No. And how did you explain the succubi?”

  Lucien shrugged. “They’re dressed like hula girls. Can you please restart time now?”

  Chronos looked at Death and shrugged, resetting the hourglass. Time started once again.

  “I hope the bride knows what she bargained for.”

  Lucien rubbed his hands together. “It’s going to be one helluva party.”

  A Mortal Halloween

  “Come on, it’ll be fun. Haven’t you ever wondered what it’d be like?” Death looked at the frown on his best friend’s face and tried again. “Do this as a favor to me. I’ve always wanted to experience Halloween the way mortals do and go trick or treating.”

  “I don’t know—it seems awfully risky to me. What’s the point?” Chronos fiddled with his hourglass as if it might disappear at Death’s suggestion.

  “No point, other than the novelty. We’ve been working too hard lately. This is our chance to play. It’ll be fun.”

  Chronos snorted at that but relented, twisting the hourglass a full turn. “Okay, but when we get into trouble, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  They rode Death’s chopper down the city streets until they came upon a party spilling out into the night. Death pulled over and parked, anxious to join the costumed revelers as they marched down the block.

  “Whoa, dude. Nice costume. You look like Death,” one inebriated mortal dressed like Darth Vader said as he passed by.

  “Isn’t this great?” Death said and practiced catching peanuts in his eye socket while walking with the crowd. “I wonder when we get to knock on people’s doors.”

  Chronos merely nodded, his attention snagged by a scantily dressed slave girl who winked at him.

  Glass broke behind them and the noise of the crowd became a shriek of chanting. A rock whizzed by Chronos on its way to an unknown target.

  “I don’t think we’re going to see any trick or treating with this group.”

  Sirens rose to a high pitch as the night flashed
red and blue. People scattered in different directions, leaving Death and Chronos wondering which way to go. A voice through a bullhorn commanded their attention while police handcuffed their arms behind their backs.

  “Are we having fun yet?” Chronos asked Death.

  “Oh, yes. What an experience.”

  Chronos shook his head at the enthusiastic answer. “I was being facetious.”

  Death dropped his jaw in a laugh. “Once we get to the police station, we can call the bar and have Lucien bail us out. It’s perfect.”

  After Lucien ranted into the phone and hung up on him, Chronos studied the other inmates sharing their cell. They all scrunched into one corner, as far away from Death as possible.

  “Do they recognize you?” Chronos leaned over and whispered to his friend.

  “Oh, yes. Didn’t I tell you? On Halloween many will perceive who we really are, although the constables don’t seem to.”

  A commotion started down the hallway, drawing their attention. Death and Chronos watched in fascination as two officers prodded a furious Lucien into a cell across from them. Smoke boiled out of his ears and his face appeared as red as the horns on his head.

  “Are you here to bail us out?” Death called over to him.

  “Does it look that way to you? What did you do to my powers, you infernal timepiece. Give them back so I can get out of here!”

  Chronos fingered the hourglass on his belt. “Have you had enough fun yet?”

  Death shrugged, his metacarpus still wrapped around the bars.

  “We can go home now, I guess.” He leaned in close. “What about Lucien?”

  Chronos smiled. “He’s such a hothead. Maybe it’d be better to leave him here overnight.”

  “I’ll get you for this, you rusty clock,” Lucien yelled as they flicked out of sight.

  He looked really angry,” Death said as they climbed on the motorcycle.

  “Just playing a little trick on him.” Chronos tapped his