Living the Afterlife, a Death and Chronos flash fiction collection

by River Fairchild

hourglass. “He’s back in his bar now. Happy Halloween, my friend.”

  Horn of Plenty

  “What do you think of this cornucopia?” Chronos held it out for inspection.

  Death stared at it dubiously. “It looks like Amalthea’s horn. Does Zeus know you broke it off? He went to a lot of trouble to fix it.”

  Chronos clutched the horn to his chest and looked at Death in horror.

  “It’s not the real horn, only a representation. I wanted to present it as a gift to Lucien for his Thanksgiving Day celebration. What do you think?”

  Death took it from Chronos and peered through the hole on the small end.

  “Anything you put in here would leak through the hole. It’s just the right size for dispensing peanuts though.”

  To prove his point, he stuck the horn into his eye socket like a funnel and poured a jar of peanuts into the large end. Chronos listened to the sound of nuts bouncing their way through Death’s skeletal cavities, making him sound like a pinball machine.

  “Very funny.” He took it back and laid it on the counter. “It’s symbolic. You fill it with food and remember to be thankful for the abundance of life.”

  “I get that. Do I have to be thankful that Jeeves will be there serving the food?”

  Chronos laughed at his friend. “You can be thankful that Lucien will go out of his way to serve you himself.”

  “He’d better.” Death snapped his mandible for emphasis. “It’s a wonderful idea he had, hosting a dinner for all of us. I wonder why he’s being so sentimental?”

  Chronos shrugged and tied his woven belt over his robe, worn only for special occasions.

  “I don’t know but if we don’t leave now, we’ll be late. You know how punctual Evil is.”

  Death picked up the cornucopia and tossed it to Chronos. “Maybe you should instruct Jeeves not to serve the mashed potatoes in this. They’d be hard to scrape out, don’t you think?”

  Chronos shook his head. “I can see you’re going to be the life of the party.”

  Death nodded and put his humerus around Chronos. “I try to be, my friend.”

  Death In A Red Suit

  Chronos heard a commotion outside and hurried to the door, opening it to find a tiny reindeer stamping on his welcome mat.

  “Are you lost, little one?” The miniature cutie only stood five hands high.

  “I ain’t lost, Pops,” the deer growled in a voice better suited to a carnie with a cigar chomped between his teeth.

  While Chronos stared at the small hellion, he heard the roar of Death’s Harley in the air behind him.

  “Get back in formation, Prancer.”

  The small deer grumbled and sprang into the air just as Death and seven other reindeer came in for a landing in the middle of Time’s carefully tended garden.

  “I got us a gig!” Death hopped off his bike and danced over, his Santa hat flopping down to cover one eye socket and looking like a jaunty pirate.

  “Doing what?” The second the question left his mouth Chronos decided he really didn’t want to know.

  Death presented a pointy green cap with a flourish.

  “Macy’s hired me as their Santa and you’re going to be my helper. How cool is that, my friend?”

  Chronos backed away to a chorus of snickers from the little deer, waving his hands in front of him to fend off Death.

  “No, no…you’re not turning me into an elf. I won’t do it.”

  “I have candy-striped stockings for you too,” Death continued as if Chronos hadn’t spoken. “When I arrived to collect their old Santa yesterday, the manager asked if I wanted the job. It seems the city has a shortage of jolly Saint Nicks.”

  Chronos shook his head in a desperate attempt to clear it, but the scene before him remained unchanged.

  “Where did you come up with the rude reindeer?”

  “Lucien loaned them to me,” Death enthused. “Aren’t they great?”

  “Your reindeer are demons?”

  “Well, sure. I couldn’t take Santa’s real ones, you know. How would he get around? Come on, it’ll be fun.”

  Chronos stuffed the elf cap on his head and stalked over to the bike, already regretting his decision.

  The mini reindeer caused quite a stir as they strutted into the large department store ahead of Santa and his peculiar-looking elf. The manager flagged Santa down and pulled him aside.

  “You can’t bring these animals in here.”

  Prancer left a present in the aisle as response.

  “Don’t worry,” Death said. “The children will love them.”

  The manager’s face turned a deep shade of purple. “Get them out of here!”

  A crowd had already formed around them by this time, children squealing with delight as they cavorted with the deer. The demons, for their part, took a perverted pleasure in knocking over display units and creating havoc while leading the kids astray.

  Chronos noted one woman gasping for breath as she caught sight of Death over by the perfume counter.

  “One of your imminent clients?” Chronos asked as he watched her portrayal of a fish out of water.

  Death followed his gaze. “No. She is only suffering the aftereffects of inhaling Poison.”

  As Death sat down in Santa’s chair and listened to the children telling him their fondest wishes, Chronos couldn’t help but be proud to call him friend. Even when they were fired a half hour later for giving away the merchandise, Chronos could call it a good day.

  “What about the demon reindeer?” he asked as they exited the building without the tiny menaces.

  Death shrugged a clavicle. “They’ll revert back to Lucien at midnight. In the meantime, let them have a little excitement.”

  “I have to admit, it was fun watching them tree that manager,” Chronos chuckled. “I didn’t think he’d climb that display so fast in dress shoes.”

  Roman Holiday

  The gondolier finished belting out his song to the boatload of tourists as they floated past the Doges Palace in Venice. Death and Chronos wheeled along the top of the canal, the Harley’s tires barely causing a ripple in the inky waters.

  The man’s eyes bulged as he spotted Death, his fleshy face contorting into a series of tics and grimaces. Chronos tilted his hourglass, stopping time in the middle of a toast offered by the customers and their champagne glasses.

  “We almost didn’t make it in time.” Chronos looked at the gondolier’s tilting body. “Another few seconds and the guests might have gone over the side with your client.”

  Death shrugged one scapula. “What is life without a few surprises along the way? It would be as dry as a peanut in the sun.”

  “You seem to be in a philosophical mood tonight,” Chronos remarked after resetting time once more. The people in the boat blinked a few times and studied their drinks at the sudden change in drivers. If they noticed the Harley floating silently alongside the boat, no one mentioned it.

  Death pulled on the oar and began to sing O Sole Mio in a pleasant tenor voice until he had the boat turned around and the tourists back on dry land. He looked at Chronos and smiled.

  “It’s the beauty of Italy which brings out the philosopher in me. The place is magical, no? Speaking of which, we must stop by the Trevi Fountain in Roma before we leave. Do you have any coins on you?”

  Chronos dug in his robe pocket and pulled a few out of its depth. “Yes, but why?”

  “We must throw the coins over our shoulder, my friend, to ensure another trip back to the beautiful city one day.”

  “I don’t understand.” Chronos laughed and climbed onto the back of the motorcycle for the trip down south. “You’re Thanatos; you’d be called back to Rome any number of times on business without resorting to throwing coins and wishing for a safe return.”

  “Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong.” Death wrapped his humerus around Chronos’ shoulder as they parked the bike alongside the fountain, walking over to the front of the sculpture honoring Ocean
us and filled with frolicking seahorses. “Have I ever told you about the time I forgot to stop in at the fountain in Pompeii?”

  Acronym Hell

  Death plunked down on the sofa and grabbed a handful of peanuts from the bowl on Chronos’ table, tossing them into the air all at once. Most of the salty morsels bounced against his eye socket, careening to points unknown and burrowing into the gold shag carpet. Chronos glanced over at his housekeeper with a sigh. As long as there was any noise in the house, Matilda would remain in her statuesque pose. Hopefully, she’d be able to track down the nuts later.

  “You seem distracted. Did something happen?”

  “Huh? Oh, sorry. Guess I was.” Death managed to catch the next volley, the sound of clanking peanuts reverberating inside his skull like a pinball game. “I just had the most interesting phone call from OSHA.”

  “OSHA? You mean the Occupational Safety and Health Administration? Why would they be calling you? They’re a human organization.”

  “They have an Underworld division too. Didn’t you know that?”

  “No, I didn’t.” Chronos absently refilled the peanut bowl while he digested the news.

  Death nodded his thanks and scooped up another handful. “Apparently, DUMPSTER filed a complaint with them about the working conditions of the demon reindeer we used at Macy’s last year.”

  “DUMPSTER?”

  “Yeah, the Demonic Union of Miscellaneous Performers for Safe Training and Environmental Renovations.”

  Chronos started to chuckle until he realized Death wasn’t yanking his hourglass. “That was six months ago. This is June. Aren’t they a little late to be griping about something?”

  “No. OSHA wasn’t calling about that. They wanted