Reckless

by Gemma Rogers

  I looked at Stella, who shrugged and, with a flirtatious smile, pulled two out of the packet.

  Nicky nodded towards the smoking area on the balcony. We finished our cocktails, leaving the empty glasses on the table, and carried the new drinks with us. I was apprehensive, aware of the icy sliver descending my back but I couldn’t leave the two of them alone. What if Nicky told Stella what had gone on between us? Maybe it was nothing? It could be his way of making amends for behaving like an arse at school?

  On the balcony, there was a view of the street which was starting to come alive with people. Nicky pulled a lighter out of his back pocket and lit both of our cigarettes before his own.

  ‘How do you two know each other then?’ Stella asked, her voice slightly higher than usual.

  I cringed inwardly and knew immediately from her tone the game was up.

  Nicky made eye contact with me as I took a long drag of my cigarette and tried not to cough. He leaned in close to whisper in Stella’s ear.

  ‘I go to St. Wilfred’s, but don’t tell anyone,’ he said mischievously.

  Stella’s eyes shot to me, unable to contain her expression. ‘You teach him?’ Stella hissed.

  ‘Only the after-school class, he’s doing Physical Education and Biology A-Levels.’

  ‘Yep and creative writing of course.’ He nodded.

  ‘That’s an odd pairing?’ Stella said, her eyebrows climbing off her forehead.

  I swallowed hard; thinking she meant me and Nicky, until I realised she was talking about the subjects.

  ‘He’s brilliant, you should see the poems he writes,’ I said, my panic subsiding. As long as I played nicely, it seemed Nicky would too. It didn’t stop me feeling like I was treading on eggshells though.

  Nicky blushed, something I’d never seen before.

  ‘I have a good teacher,’ he said, a broad smile spreading across his face. His blue eyes twinkled mischievously, making my groin ache. I’d ended our affair, but I couldn’t deny the pull I felt to him physically. ‘Anyway, have a great evening you two. I might see you later. I’m off to Bar 10 to meet some friends.’ He smiled politely, shook Stella’s hand and we thanked him for the drinks.

  Standing alone on the balcony, listening to the thud of the base from the inside spill out, we finished our cigarettes.

  ‘Jesus fucking Christ, Izzy! He’s sex on a stick,’ Stella exclaimed, blowing out a long breath.

  I smiled at her weakly.

  ‘How long?’ she asked, her tone softer.

  I couldn’t hide it any longer. Stella knew me too well.

  ‘About five weeks, but it’s over now.’

  The knot in my stomach tightened as Stella picked up her bag from the floor. Was she going to leave? I held my breath, feeling my head begin to swim. Would she tell David? If she did, everything would come crashing down like a tower of cards. My job, my marriage, my family, everything.

  28

  Instead of swinging the bag over her shoulder and marching off, she pulled out a box of her own cigarettes.

  ‘I think I need another,’ she said, pulling out two, lighting both and handing one to me.

  My whole body felt as light as a feather, and I couldn’t control the rush of love I had for Stella at that moment. I threw my arms around her in a sort of bear hug.

  ‘I thought you’d be angry with me.’ My eyes welled up.

  ‘I’m not angry. It’s your life, Izzy, you do whatever you want. Don’t get me wrong, I love David to bits, but unless you’re leaving, don’t tell him.’

  ‘I’m not leaving.’ The words rushed out of my mouth without hesitation.

  ‘OK, so it was just a fling?’

  I nodded and we both breathed a small sigh of relief.

  We smoked in silence for a minute until Stella spoke again.

  ‘He’s young too.’

  ‘I know; it was a stupid thing to do. I should never have got involved.’

  ‘No, I mean Adam. He’s young too. Early twenties,’ Stella said, her voice barely audible. I had a feeling he was from his fresh-faced profile picture on Facebook.

  ‘As long as you’re happy, Stella, then I don’t care. I mean, I can hardly talk, can I?’ I bumped shoulders with Stella.

  She looked relieved to be spilling her secrets too. It was as though a weight had been lifted for both of us.

  ‘How old is he?’ Stella asked.

  ‘Eighteen. He drives me crazy, Stella. I can’t describe it, I haven’t felt this way in years. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been so bloody horny,’ I laughed.

  ‘It’s because it’s new, and it’s forbidden fruit of course. Not to mention the fact he is as fit as a butcher’s dog. Why did you end it? Because of David?’

  I stubbed out my cigarette and took a long slurp on my cocktail.

  ‘Yes and no. He was getting a bit too attached, a bit controlling. It was creepy to be honest. He turned up at the house and…’ My voice tailed off as I remembered the underwear Nicky still hadn’t returned.

  ‘Best rid then. Fun while it lasted though.’

  Stella finished her cigarette and we headed back inside. Our table had been cleared to make way for new diners as we’d been out for so long and we paid at the bar before we left. When the fresh air hit, both of us were a bit wobbly in our heels and linked arms to hold each other up.

  ‘Come on, let’s go and see what this Bar 10 is all about,’ Stella said, cackling. I felt a weight had been lifted. Stella knew my darkest secret and yet she was still here, still my best friend. With things smoothed out with Nicky there was no reason not to go on to the bar. We were grown-ups and it would all be fine. Plus, it was too early to go home and there was more alcohol to be consumed.

  The bar was in the next street, it’s neon sign flashing. Inside, I was pleasantly surprised to see a variety of ages, so I didn’t feel out of place. Pumping music blared from the speakers, tracks that I knew from the radio, and feeling giddy from the cocktails, I swayed in time to the music at the bar. Stella got served first and ordered mojitos before we sashayed over to a corner. Propping ourselves against a railing to survey our surroundings.

  ‘Not bad for totty in here,’ Stella shouted over the music.

  I rolled my eyes. ‘And there was me thinking you were in love.’

  I spotted Nicky standing with a mixed crowd over the other side of the bar, his arm slung around a blonde in over-the-knee boots. Who were the girls? I didn’t recognise them from school, but, to be honest, I couldn’t tell with the amount of make-up they were wearing.

  I adjusted my orange top and smoothed my hair, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Stella followed my gaze and we both watched a girl wrap her arms around Nicky and lean in close. I held my breath, ready to turn away before they locked lips, but he simply whispered in her ear and turned to talk to his friend. She clearly didn’t like what he’d said as she stomped away. It was ridiculous to be jealous when I was married, but I couldn’t help it.

  I slurped the rest of the liquid of my cocktail, leaving only the crushed ice in the glass. My legs felt like jelly. I had to stop drinking. ‘Come on, let’s dance.’

  Stella followed me as we pushed our way through the bodies on the dance floor. A Calvin Harris track was playing, it was one of Charlotte’s favourites. Within a minute, Stella had someone grinding behind her and was happy to play along.

  ‘Let’s go get a drink,’ Nicky’s voice came from behind and he slid his hand momentarily around my waist. Feeling him so close, combined with the alcohol, sent shockwaves through my body. I thought I was over it, the way Nicky could make me feel with a single touch, but I ached for him again.

  I motioned to Stella I was going to the bar and she nodded, still immersed in dancing foreplay with one of Nicky’s friends.

  We stood side by side at the bar, our hips touching. I didn’t need another drink; my vision was already cloudy.

  Nicky pulled his wallet out of his back pocket, but I put my hand on his arm.

&n
bsp; ‘No, I’ll get these, what are you having?’

  ‘Becks please.’ I could see his eyes were glazed, and we both swayed slightly. ‘Watching you dance made me hard,’ he whispered in my ear and I gasped, letting a childish giggle escape from my lips. ‘I want you.’ Nicky grabbed my backside, but I swivelled my hips away.

  ‘We can’t, Nicky.’ The alcohol was making my resolve waver as I scanned the crowd to see if there were any faces I recognised. Everything was a blur. My heart pounded, a mixture of fear and desire bubbled inside.

  Impatient, Nicky grabbed me by the elbow and steered me towards the toilets. I didn’t protest and let him carry me along, through the wave of people, my head swimming. The corridor by the toilets was empty and quiet. With a quick sideways glance, he pushed me through the door marked STAFF ONLY, a broom cupboard of sorts with mops, cloths and the like. Our mouths found each other at speed, hands everywhere and pulling at clothes. Fingers fumbling, he undid my jeans but stopped when we heard the main door swing open and two voices chatting in the corridor. We both froze and Nicky put a finger to his lips.

  ‘She’s got a lovely pair of tits, I reckon she’ll let me give her one,’ slurred one of the men.

  ‘Keep buying the drinks and she will.’

  The voices tailed off as they went into the toilets.

  It was then I came to my senses. It was over between me and Nicky, what on earth was I doing? No wonder he was getting frustrated with the mixed messages. But before I could say anything, Nicky launched back at me, forcing his lips upon mine and squeezing my breast so hard, I squealed, my teeth catching his lip as I pushed him away. A tiny droplet of blood dripped down his chin. He bared his teeth.

  ‘You bitch.’ His fist came towards me but connected with the plasterboard wall, leaving a dent.

  Immediately, I shrank down and pushed my way out of the tiny room and stumbled back to the safety of the dance floor.

  I made my way to Stella, who was having a rest at the railings.

  ‘I’m worn out. Too old for this,’ she said, knocking back her drink.

  ‘Let’s go,’ I said, my body trembling.

  I looked over my shoulder, but Nicky was nowhere to be seen. He hadn’t hit me, but I couldn’t deny he’d frightened me. I wasn’t sure what he was capable of.

  Half an hour later, we were home, kicking off our shoes and falling into the spare bed together. It was almost one in the morning and Stella offered to share as we could both hear David snoring from the hallway.

  ‘Christ, he sounds like a pneumatic drill,’ she said as we pulled the covers over us, still fully dressed.

  ‘Tell me about it.’ I laughed.

  ‘It’s been a great night. Thanks,’ she said, squeezing my hand.

  I squeezed hers back. ‘Anytime.’ I listened to Stella’s breathing become deeper as I stared at the ceiling, unable to push the image of Nicky’s arm, pulled back and ready to launch, out of my head. I was stupid to get caught up in that situation. It was weak, a bad judgement call and all I’d done was make things worse.

  29

  Eight hours later, we were woken by the banging of pans and the smell of bacon. We dragged ourselves downstairs for coffee and paracetamol.

  ‘Christ, it’s Eddie and Patsy,’ David said as he caught sight of us still in last night’s clothes and mascara smudged across our faces.

  ‘Ha ha,’ I replied, sitting at the table, images from last night running through my mind in glorious technicolour.

  Stella hung her head in her hands. David whistled away to himself as he cooked us all bacon sandwiches. Charlotte thought the state of us was hilarious. After having a good laugh at our expense, she announced I had the day off as she’d arranged to cook a roast with David’s help. She wanted all of us to go for a walk around the lake at Tilgate Park afterwards, but Stella’s train was at three and I doubted we’d make it.

  Once dressed, I went into Stella’s room so we could put our make-up on together, the both of us only bothering with a bit of concealer and mascara.

  ‘Be careful with him,’ Stella whispered, obviously talking about Nicky.

  ‘I will. I think I’ve really cocked up. I’m not sure he’s all there, you know,’ I replied, wringing my hands.

  ‘Maintain your distance. Be pleasant, and polite, but don’t engage.’ There was no judgement in Stella’s voice. ‘Are you going to ask David if he’s been playing away?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to know the gory details. Plus, I can hardly be self-righteous.’

  Stella smiled at me sympathetically and hugged me tightly. I was grateful to have such a good friend.

  Downstairs, we lounged in the conservatory reading the Sunday papers which had dropped through the door. David kept popping in and out, having snatched conversations with us as he assisted Charlotte with the roast chicken.

  Lunch was fantastic and Charlotte beamed with pride at the empty plates that littered the table. David made Eton mess for dessert and it was half past two when we finally got up from the table to take Stella to the station.

  ‘We’ll clear up later,’ David said, hurrying us all out of the door and into the car.

  At the station, Stella hugged us in turn, thanking us for a lovely weekend.

  ‘Don’t leave it so long next time,’ David called, wrapping his arm around me as we watched Stella disappear into the station.

  I had to blink away tears as I watched her go.

  ‘Do you want to go for a walk around the park?’ David said, squeezing me tight. I still felt so full, and even though it was cold, a walk was welcome.

  Charlotte strolled ahead of us, taking photos of the lake on her mobile phone. Apparently, she’d found a new filter, which was making her photos look professional.

  ‘Are you OK?’ David asked, when Charlotte was out of earshot.

  ‘Yes, why do you ask?’ I snapped. The chasm Stella had left behind already painfully obvious. I felt lost without her.

  David raised his eyebrows and smiled and me. ‘You seem very… far away at the moment.’

  I cringed inwardly, guilt swallowing me whole. ‘I’m fine, just been busy with work and the creative writing class.’

  David nodded.

  ‘Who is she, David?’ The words came out before I could stop them. I couldn’t carry on the charade.

  David’s hand dropped mine and he stopped dead in his tracks, his face ashen. He’d told me everything I needed to know without saying a word.

  I sighed and walked on.

  David caught up and fell in step with me. ‘I’m sorry. It was a stupid mistake.’

  I wiped my tears away; glad Charlotte was too far ahead to see them. I had no right to shed them. I’d opened up Pandora’s box and I couldn’t shut it. Should I tell him about Nicky?

  ‘Why, David?’

  ‘I don’t know, she showed interest, made an effort.’

  I snorted, biting my lip. ‘No, not like that. I mean she, you know, pursued me.’ He sounded embarrassed.

  ‘And you couldn’t say no?’ I snapped, the bitterness spilling out. I’d been contained for so long and now the anger was bubbling to the surface. Deep down I knew I had no right. His affair was no different to my own. I was projecting the anger at myself on to David because it was easy.

  ‘I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, Izzy. Please say you’ll forgive me.’

  Charlotte took that moment to turn around and wave, taking a photo of us standing awkwardly together. The worst moment of our marriage, captured for eternity.

  ‘Who is she?’ I asked.

  ‘Her name is Paula, she’s a temp accountant.’ The mysterious Paul in his contacts now made sense.

  I closed my eyes and shook my head, not wanting to hear any more, but David kept talking.

  ‘It happened three times, just three, and we met for lunch and dinner once, but that was it, I swear. She’s divorced, lonely. I guess I felt sorry for her. She started on the same day as me and we got put on a project
together, she—’

  ‘I don’t want to know any more,’ I hissed, interrupting him. My throat felt thick with my own deceit and I didn’t want to listen to David go into details about his.

  The wind was blustery, and I pulled the belt of my coat in tighter, turning the fabric over and over in my hands, counting silently in my head, until it was winched in against my stomach.

  David looked distraught; his chin quivered as he tried to hold back tears.

  ‘I love you,’ he spluttered.

  ‘Do you?’ I hissed, turning to look at him.

  ‘Of course I do. I broke it off with her because I couldn’t live with myself.’ He looked pathetic and, although I was angry, I couldn’t take the moral high ground.

  ‘It’s half-term this week,’ I said, changing the subject.

  We walked in silence for a minute before David spoke again.

  ‘Any teacher-training days?’

  ‘No, I’m off all week,’ I said, relieved I wouldn’t have to see Nicky for seven whole days.

  ‘I’ve got a conference in London on Tuesday. The company have arranged dinner and a hotel.’ His tone was apologetic. I nodded, not wanting to think about whether ‘Paula’ was going to be there. ‘She’s gone, left. I won’t see her again,’ he said, as though reading my mind.

  ‘Charlotte have you made any plans this week?’ I called and she walked back to us, throwing a stone into the lake.

  ‘Amy’s mum is going to take us to a trampoline centre somewhere and said we can have a sleepover. Shopping and cinema other than that.’

  I nodded, an idea formulating in my head.

  ‘What day?’ I asked

  ‘Tomorrow or Tuesday, I think,’ Charlotte replied.

  ‘Will you be OK in the house on your own for the night?’ David frowned.

  ‘Of course. I’ll be just fine,’ I replied.

  On Monday, it was wonderful being woken by the sun streaming through the window instead of the irritating buzz of my alarm clock. David had already left for work and I was going to be spending the day with Charlotte. A mother-and-daughter day at the beginning of half-term before I lost her to her friends for the rest of the week. I’d told Charlotte last night we could do anything she wanted, knowing that by the time we got up, she would have the day fully planned out for us.