Forgiveness and Permission

by C. L. Stone

  “You mean if you win,” I said.

  Nathan laughed. He hooked an arm around my neck, drawing me in to whisper in my ear. “That’s my Sang.”

  I started floating. I kind of liked the soccer table.

  North rolled his eyes, putting his hand inside the table to find the ball again.

  When the ball dropped onto the table again, a girl approached, watching the game. She was tall, with raven hair and big brown eyes and I thought she was very pretty. I wondered if she wanted to play, but I was too nervous to ask her to join us. Something inside me told me I didn’t want her to join us, anyway. I wasn’t sure why and I didn’t want to think of the reason.

  The guys were feuding it out on their side of the table. I had my hands ready, feeling ugly and awkward under the scrutiny of the pretty girl who was watching. North spun a handle on his side, and the plastic men kicked the ball from one side of the table, all the way to hit the goal before I had a chance to react.

  North pumped a fist. Nathan groaned, but grinned and clearly was not too disappointed. He leaned into me. “Don’t worry, Peanut. Next time try to distract him or something.”

  I listened to Nathan talking in my ear but my eyes were on North. The girl approached him, cupped her hand over North’s ear and whispered something to him. North stiffened, shook his head, and waved his hand dismissively at the girl. The girl removed her hand, said something else I couldn’t catch but North shook his head again. He nudged her out of the way to find the ball again, dropping it onto the table in the center. He locked his eyes on my face, the expression icy, focused.

  “Ready?” he asked from across the table. The way he did it seemed almost forced. He was tuning out the girl next to him.

  The raven haired girl frowned, turned around and headed back into the throng of the party.

  “Did she want to play?” I asked. I felt lighter now that he’d dismissed her but was sorry if she only wanted a turn and was just asking him for one.

  North tilted his head at me. “No,” he replied. He spun the handles on his side, knocking the ball into action.

  I held onto the opposite ends to stop his ability to spin the soccer men at the ball. He tried twisting handles to wrench my hold and we soon got into a match that distracted me from what had just happened. I didn’t suppose he would have told me anyway.

  Despite my best effort to cheat, North was faster and he often used my own soccer men against me to score.

  After ten more rounds, Nathan held up his hands. “Okay, we’re done. I can’t lose any more.”

  “Sorry,” I said, releasing a small pout. I’d had fun but felt like losing was my fault. I couldn’t beat North.

  Nathan smirked at me, shaking his head. “Remind me to teach you how to play better sometime.”

  “She should be asking me how to play,” North said, coming around the table and carrying his cup. “Did I forget to mention that my dad had one of these things? I grew up with one so I had plenty of practice.”

  “They have table soccer in Europe?” I asked. I knew he and his dad traveled around Europe before he came to live here and joined the Academy.

  “My friends in Spain were wild about it. The French not so much. The Greeks set the tables on fire if they lost.”

  My lips parted. “Greece? Did you ever run into Silas over there?”

  “Who do you think talked him into moving out here?” North said. “I told Mr. Blackbourne I wouldn't come over without him.”

  The new information sent my mind spinning. North and Silas were friends before the Academy, just like Luke and Nathan and the others were friends before they signed up. Is that how the Academy worked? They focused on groups of kids who were already friends and brought them in together? It made me wonder what kind of school kept tabs on students and who their friends are. And if what Derrick had told me earlier was true, they’d not only brought in the group of friends, but a group of friends they caught stealing. The Academy was very unusual.

  I also thought back to what Gabriel had told me. Silas joined them first here in the states, and North didn’t show up until a year later. How did it take so long for both of them to join? Luke said he didn’t know he had a brother before North appeared one night out of the blue. Did that mean Mr. Blackbourne knew before Luke did?

  I opened my mouth to ask another question but my arm was nudged.

  “Aggele,” Silas collided with me again. “Are you done playing? Come sit with me.”

  I nodded, sorry to think that the moment to ask North more about his past was lost. Still, I hoped that this was the time when the guys and I could collect in a corner somewhere, looking somewhat social to blend in but just talk to each other.

  Silas collected my hand, and I picked my cup up from the table. Before I could bring it to my mouth for a sip, North shot a hand between my mouth and the cup lip. My eyes widened and I turned to him, confused.

  “Give me that,” he said, taking my cup from me.

  “Was that yours?” I asked. “I thought it was mine. Sorry.”

  “No,” he said. “I’ll get you another one.”

  “Come on,” Silas urged.

  I followed behind Silas, looking back at North. Nathan collected his cup and followed North back toward the dining room.

  “Hey, Silas,” a familiar voice said. I peeked around his arm. Jay and Rocky sat together on the center couch. The raven-haired girl North had dismissed earlier was perched on the arm of the couch next to Rocky. His arm was wrapped around her waist. Rocky nodded in my direction. “Well, if it isn’t Sang. I thought for sure Silas was bullshitting.”

  My spine rippled. I slid a glance at Silas, finding it impossible to ask the many questions that I wanted to ask in that moment.

  His hand tightened around mine. “Nope. Told you she’d come along.” Someone got up from one of the nearby sofa chairs. Silas slid into it, pulling me along until I was sitting in his lap. He kept one hand on my back, smoothing across the outside of the hoodie and warming. His other hand cupped my knee.

  Because of my sideways position and the way he was sitting in the chair, I felt unbalanced, even with his hand at my back. I leaned into him, putting an arm around his shoulder. I planted a hand on his chest.

  He shifted slightly, sitting back in the chair, beaming. “Comfortable?”

  My heart started to flutter again. I nodded to him.

  “Doesn’t she ever talk?” Rocky asked. His aggressive eyes zeroed in on me. “Talk.”

  My eyes widened. I glanced at Silas but his look was encouraging me. I didn’t know what to say. “Talk about what?” I asked in a small voice, quiet enough that I wondered if he could hear me over the music.

  “Anything,” Rocky said. An eyebrow lifted and an intense sensation swept over me.

  The raven-haired girl bent over, saying something to Rocky. Rocky shook his head, waved her off but continued to fix his eyes on me. The girl glared in my direction. I felt myself shrinking into Silas, wanting to squirrel away somewhere else. Maybe I could tell Nathan I was tired and he’d drive me home. I didn’t fit in here. If raven-haired girl wanted the attention, I’d let her have it.

  I still couldn’t find anything to say. What did Rocky expect me to talk about? I was about to say I didn’t want to talk but was saved when North approached, holding another red cup out to me. I took it. “Thank you,” I told him.

  “You did a good job out on the field today, North,” Jay said. His bald head nodded toward North. “I had to admit, I didn’t think you could do it. At practice you’re always so slow.”

  “I do what I have to,” North said, his expression unreadable to me. He took a sip from his cup.

  “I missed the baseball game tonight,” Silas said. “Anyone know the score?”

  Silas redirected the conversation. Jay was quiet, like North, but popped in with a sarcastic comment on occasion. Rocky and a couple of the other guys fell into a conversation about the upcoming World Series games.

  Nathan and North
talked behind me. I yearned to stand up and talk to them instead, but Silas kept his arm around me. It was comfortable to be with him, but I didn’t like the way Rocky kept looking over at me, and the way the girl at his side glared in my direction.

  At some point North sat down on the arm of the chair. This made it easier to hear their conversation. It didn’t matter what they were talking about, their familiar voices were soothing.

  My hands reflexively curled around Silas’s hair at his neck as I relaxed. Silas traced a finger along the inside of my knee.

  North’s broad back warmed mine.

  At some point, Nathan reached out to tug at my hair to get my attention, I figured it was just to let me know he was still there.

  The girl’s eyes could have shot daggers with as cold a look as she gave me. It was uncomfortable enough that I didn’t want to sit with Silas any more.

  When felt I could do it without seeming rude to the people talking, I turned around in his lap so I could face the other guys. Silas hooked an arm around my waist, still holding on to me but leaning a little to one side so he could continue the conversation with Rocky.

  North inched over, and sat further back on the arm of the chair to give me room. Nathan drug over a folding chair someone had abandoned, planting it near the sofa seat and sitting in it backwards.

  This was better. We could have been at home talking and had an easier time of it, but if we had to be at a party, at least we looked busy talking like everyone else was doing together.

  “My house tonight?” Nathan asked me.

  North shot him a look. “Is that where we’re going after we get out of here?”

  Nathan blinked but shrugged. “Might as well. I mean her house is empty because Marie’s out tonight. My house has more stuff to do.”

  North nodded. “We might crash there tonight. Shorter distance to the diner from your house than mine.”

  A rush of excitement slipped through my skin. “Like another sleepover?”

  They both laughed. Silas rumbled underneath me with a chuckle, telling me he’d been listening in. His fingertips smoothed over my thigh.

  “We’ll give it another hour and then we’ll get out of here,” North said. “I’m about social life’d out.” North stood, stretching. “I’m going to find the restroom. Sang Baby, come along with me.”

  It wasn’t a question. I glanced at Nathan. Nathan nodded at me, silently telling me to do what I was told. This caused me to stiffen again. Something was going on that he didn’t like.

  Silas relinquished his hold on me so I could slip off of his lap. I trailed behind North, carrying my water cup with me.

  There was a hallway on the other side of the house. The area was quieter, but I sensed hushed voices from beyond the doors. North swung his head back and forth, scanning. He picked a door and tried the handle. Locked. He tried another one. This door opened and he pushed his head inside. He flicked on the light switch, revealing an empty bathroom. He jerked his head toward the opening. “Get in.”

  I rushed in, and he followed me inside. It was a guest bathroom, with just a toilet and a sink. The white and blue tile floor was cracked in spots and one of the light bulbs in the fixtures overhead was out.

  The door closed behind us and he turned on me. “Just wait here a minute,” he said.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Rocky hasn’t stopped watching your ass all night. I’m tired of it. I think when we go back out there, we should go back to that front room, or the kitchen.”

  I blinked after him. “But what about the girl he was with?”

  North lifted a dark brow. “Girl?”

  “The dark haired girl who said something to you earlier? The one hanging on his arm?”

  “Fuck her. I don’t know who she is. What about her?”

  I sighed, unable to explain it. If Rocky had his arm around her, it made me think they were together. Why would Rocky look at me if he had a girl with him? I was still grateful North wanted to stay in a different room for the rest of the time we were here. I didn’t like the way she looked at us, at any of us. I thought I would have nightmares tonight about a girl with dagger eyes.

  There was a commotion out in the hallway. Voices. They were slurred. Someone knocked at the door, and tried the handle, but when whoever it was found it was locked, moved on down the hallway.

  North twisted the handle on the door. “Wait here for a couple of minutes, okay? Lock the door behind me. I'll stand outside the door. After two minutes, step out.”

  “Why? What’s going on?”

  “I don’t want people thinking we were fucking around. We’ve got enough to worry about without having to deal with twisted rumors.”

  I supposed he knew better than I did about how to handle this, but his comment left me feeling nervous. What were people thinking of us now that we were here? Silas had practically claimed me as his date tonight. What would they think on Monday if Nathan and I were holding hands? Or Victor? Suddenly Kota’s suggestion that I agree to say I belonged to whoever I was with seemed inappropriate. People were bound to catch on that I wasn’t really dating anyone, unless they were willing to believe they were all my boyfriends. I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse.

  Victor had said it didn’t matter to him what other people thought. It had to matter to me, though. When next year came around, I would be alone. I would have to hear the rumors and deal with the aftermath. I knew about girls in my old school, the ones guys thought were easy. I didn’t want that sort of attention, and I was sure to get it once the guys transferred back to the Academy. Without the guys, I’d be without any barrier to keep guys like Rocky away.

  North opened the door, stepping out into the hallway. I was happy he was concerned about my reputation. I wanted to remember to thank North and spend more time with him later. He’d promised to take me to the beach on another date at one point. I thought about suggesting we do that the next time he got a day off from working at the diner. I wanted to make sure he knew I appreciated him looking out for me, even if he was occasionally over protective and grumpy.

  I counted off a couple of minutes, following up with a couple more minutes just in case. I was tempted to hide in the bathroom forever until they were ready to go. Being alone was more comfortable. I didn’t want to be there when another person needed to use the restroom, though.

  I unlocked the door, and paused, letting my eyes adjust to the dim hallway again. I stepped out, waiting to hear North direct me on where to go.

  The hallway was empty. North wasn’t there.

  My spine bristled. He wouldn’t have wandered off without me. He said he’d be right outside.

  I stepped further out into the hallway, wondering if I’d exited too soon. Maybe he was checking something out. I wasn’t sure what to do since he told me not to wander off alone.

  My fingers instinctively reached for my phone at my bra, fingering the pink case. I was tempted to use the white button for North or Nathan. I didn’t know what else to do.

  A figure emerged from further down the hallway. His head was bowed, his hands stuffed into his pockets. When he got close, he must have sensed that I was looking at him and his head lifted.

  It was the boy with the glasses I'd seen at the football game. He stopped in the hallway, and half turned like he wasn't sure if he should continue or go back to where he had come from. He stilled, his lips parted.

  "Hi," I said, feeling odd myself. I wondered if this was his house. "Um, I lost someone. Did you see a tall guy with dark hair down that way?"

  "I think he's down there," he said in a low almost whisper. He pointed down the hallway he'd come from.

  "Thank you," I said. I passed him in the hall, wanting to say something else. I had a strange feeling of wanting to invite him to talk to the guys at school. I guess because I felt the same as I thought he did, being shy and retreating into a book instead of talking to others.

  Part of me, I supposed, still felt like I belonged in his world.
Quiet. Invisible.

  The boy moved on down the hallway. He glanced back at me once. I hesitated saying anything else. I wasn’t sure why. Despite my instincts about him, he was still a stranger to me.

  North’s voice drifted to me from up the hallway. Other voices joined his, some laughing. Relieved, I followed his voice deeper into the hallway. At least I knew where he was now. I gripped the red plastic cup in my hand in front of me as if it was a shield.

  There was a doorway to the left that was wide open, revealing a bedroom with a large queen bed and a couple of wood dressers. It looked like someone’s parents’ bedroom.

  I darted into the room. A collection of mostly guys were standing outside of the open closet. North had his back against the frame, frowning.

  Next to him was the raven-haired girl. Her hand splayed out across his chest on top of his black shirt.

  “It’s your turn,” she said, nearly cooing. “Closet time.”

  “I’m not going,” North said.

  “It’s initiation,” one of the guys said. “If you’re going to be one of us, you’ve got to go into the closet. It’s just for a couple of minutes.”

  “Fuck that shit,” North said.

  “What’s wrong? Gay or something? Just go in for a second,” the guy said, pointing toward the closet.

  North grunted.

  Was that was what she was trying to get him to do in the first place? Was this necessary? I sighed. Mr. Blackbourne wanted them to get along with the football team. He had to do it if he wanted to fit in with them.

  And that sent a wave of ice through my heart. I didn‘t want to see North in that closet with the girl with the mean glare.

  “North?” I called out. I didn’t know what I was doing, feeling completely out of place. The feeling reminded me of how I felt right before I was about to jump into a fight for them. All I knew was that he was in trouble and I wanted to help. “I wondered where you went.”

  The cluster of people around the closet parted, eyes landing on me. One of the boys, the one who had talked before, grinned. “Well here, North. If you don’t want Jade, take that one.”