Revival

by Kirkpatrick, S.

  She’s the only one worth showing.

  “You gonna tell me what’s got you hiding out in the one place you know I won’t go?” I ask her, her brunette waves muffling my voice.

  “I can’t go tonight, Dex. I’m sorry.” She whispers into my chest.

  “I’m gonna need more than that, Breezie. You gave me your word.”

  “That was before.”

  “Before what? Talk to me girl, this isn’t like you.”

  She disengages from my hold, taking two steps back, and my body instantly feels cold. I crave her in a way I know I shouldn’t. In a way that in North Carolina, is illegal considering the age difference. But I can’t stop myself from loving her, the same way as the sky can’t stop itself from being blue.

  I can see her waging a personal war, deciding if she’s going to let me in or not. I’d be lying if I didn’t say it hurt a part deep down inside of me that she’s questioning whether or not she should open up to me about whatever is on her mind.

  “Since when do we have secrets?” I ask her.

  “Never.” She tells me.

  “Then let’s hear it, Breezie. I’m all ears.” I respond, taking three steps back until I’m at her bed.

  I take a seat, leaning back, making myself comfortable. She needs to see that I’m not going anywhere until we sort this shit out. This… thing… that’s happening right now, whatever it is, it’s not bigger or stronger than the bond we have. The sooner she accepts that, the better it will be for both of us.

  We heal each other.

  That’s the way it’s always been.

  “You have somewhere to be, ya know.” She quips.

  “I’m right where I need to be.”

  As soon as the words leave my mouth, her eyes snap to mine. It’s the first time I’ve seen those piercing blue eyes in four days and as pathetic as it may be, it’s felt like a lifetime. I don’t remember the last time I went this long without seeing her, and I have to admit, I don’t like it one bit.

  “Go to your graduation party, Dex. People are waiting for you.”

  “Yeah, well I’m waiting for you.”

  Her fingers tangle in the hair behind her ear, twisting it around. It’s something she’s done since she was barely out of diapers. It’s her nervous tick. A dead giveaway that she’s hiding something that’s eating her up on the inside. The older we get, the more intense those things become, but her reaction to them is all the same.

  “If I tell you this, you’ll see me differently.” She tells me, assurance in her voice.

  “Since when did you start thinking so little of me?” I ask, trying to keep how offended I am out of my tone.

  “Things are different now, Dex. We’re getting older and… well, things just change. That’s all.”

  I don’t even bother responding to that bullshit statement. We both know she doesn’t believe a word she’s saying.

  To make my point, I lean down to untie the laces of boots, my subtle way of telling her that I plan on making myself comfortable. I meant it, I’m not leaving here without her. And if that means I don’t leave at all, well then that’s fine with me too. If she’s not at the party, then I don’t want to be there anyway. I can hang out with the guys any time. But I’ve been missing this girl like crazy.

  “What are you doing?” She asks.

  “What’s it look like?”

  “It looks like you’re bailing on your own graduation party.”

  “And whose fault is that?” I ask.

  “Well, it’s certainly not mine, you stubborn ass. I told you to go.”

  “Watch your mouth.” I scold her. She’s an Infuriating little thing tonight.

  “It’s my room, my rules. That’s what Abel said.”

  “Yeah, and he’d beat my ass if he knew I was letting you talk like that. So are you gonna cut the shit or are you gonna tell me why you’re avoiding me?”

  “So you can cuss but I can’t?”

  I quirk an eyebrow at her, letting her know that I’m not planning on indulging in this little battle of wills with her. She knows why I’m here. She’s either gonna open up so we can go to the party, or I’ll sleep on her floor like I’ve done a hundred times before when Abel was at work or she was sick. The choice is hers.

  “You really won’t stop until I break will you?” She asks.

  “You and I both know the answer to that question, Breezie.”

  She throws her hands in the air and lets out an exaggerated sigh, drama oozing from every inch of her. She glides across the room and falls into her desk chair, folding her arms as she does so. Her gaze meets mine as she finally gives in and tells me what the fuck is going on.

  “I started my period, okay? It’s disgusting. The nurse at school gave me some pads but they’re uncomfortable, they look and feel like I’m wearing a diaper, and I don’t like wearing them. Plus, I ran out of them two days ago. I feel gross, I just want to cry, and I don’t know what to do, okay? So no, Dex, I don’t want to go to your party and be covered in my own blood. I don’t want to go watch everyone have a good time while I’m in a lot of pain. And I don’t want to pretend that everything’s okay when I feel like I’m falling apart because I have no one to talk to about this stuff. Mom’s gone and I have no real girlfriends and I just… I don’t know what to do.”

  She turns around to her desk and buries her head in arms, crying with all her might. Her body shakes with the force of each sob that escapes her tiny form.

  For the first time since I got in my truck to come over here, I don’t have a fucking clue what to do. I don’t have any sisters, and the girls I know don’t talk about this shit around us guys. I may have paid attention in health class to know what happens to the female body, but they didn’t give us details on what to do when it happens.

  I’m racking my brain, trying to figure out what the hell to do to help her. But fuck… How the hell do I do that?

  I’m replaying the words she said to me, memorizing them, cataloging them, trying like hell to decipher them like I’ll find the answer hidden in her pain. I slowly make my way over to the desk chair and kneel in front of her. I twist her body towards me, and pull her arms off the desk, taking both of her small hands into one of mine. I use my free hand to wipe her tears, trying like hell to quickly think of a solution.

  This is what I wanted

  Her honesty.

  Her trust.

  Her pain.

  And I’ll be damned if I let her down.

  “I don’t know where to go from here, Dex. If my Mom was still around I would ask her, but it’s just you boys. You guys have no idea what I’m going through.”

  I’ve hated their Mom since the first time I found out she left them for days at a time. The older they get, the longer she’s gone. Hell, this time I don’t think anyone has seen her for a year. How someone could abandon the two of them, I’ll never know. Hell, Abel is as mature as they come, and Bree’s a straight-A student taking honors classes. They never get into any trouble, and always push themselves further than anyone else their age. They deserve more than the shitty parents they were born to.

  “I know, Breezie. I know. But you don’t ever have to hide this stuff from me okay? You know I will always be here for you no matter what. I promised you I would always take care of you if you couldn’t go to Abel with something right?”

  “Yeah but this is different, I…”

  I put a finger to her lips, silencing her plea.

  “No, it’s not. I will take care of this. You stay here and I’ll be back with everything you need okay?”

  “But… How?” She asks, drawing her brows in together. She’s never looked more vulnerable than she does right now. I feel like such an asshole over the fact that I take great pride in being the person that can be here for her during this time.

  “Have I ever let you down?” I ask her.

  “Not yet.” She quips.

  I snort out a laugh, caug
ht off guard by her snarky response. I should have expected it, but when you’re around Bree long enough, you quickly learn you’ll never know what kind of crazy shit she’ll say next.

  “Not ever, Breezie. Not ever. I’ll go start you a pot of tea and then I’ll go get everything you need okay?”

  She stares at me with a questioning look, assessing whether or not I’m up for the task. I don’t know what she sees that finally convinces her. I don’t know if she’s just so tired of arguing that she’s giving in, but she eventually nods her head and agrees to let me take care of her.

  I kiss the top of her head and make my way upright, not bothering to tighten my laces back into place. I run down the stairs as quickly as I ran up, and slide into the kitchen to make that beautiful girl a cup of her favorite tea.

  As the kettle starts to sizzle, I pull out my cell phone and call the only person I can think of that can will give me the advice I need, and not judge me for it. She picks up in three rings.

  “Hey, Ma, what the hell do I get for a girl who started her period?”

  Thirty minutes later, I pull up to Bree’s house with an arsenal that my Mom assured me she would need. I’m pretty sure I bought all of aisle 12 and half of aisle 13, but it’s worth it to put a smile back on her face and wipe away the distress clouding her beautiful features.

  I make my way upstairs with all my bags, and plop everything down on Bree’s desk.

  “Alright, I’ve for the essentials. Tampons, panty liners, chocolate, ice cream, heating pad, Midol, Dr. Pepper, a weird triangle-shaped pillow thing, another box of tea because you’re almost out, and PS I Love You. I’ve never seen it but the girl at the pharmacy said either this or The Notebook and I know you already have that one so…”

  I turn to Bree, holding out the movie and her jaw is hanging wide open. This may be the first time in her entire life that she’s ever been speechless. For a moment, I’m suspended in time, not knowing I did good, or really, really bad. My Mom and the lady at the pharmacy assured me this was the ideal first aid kit for Bree’s current situation, but I’m not so sure now.

  “What’s wrong, did I forget something?”

  Bree flies off the bed and jumps into my arms, all the bags scattering to the floor beside us.

  “You’re the best, Dex. Thank you.”

  I let out a breath and cling to her with all my might. Nothing in this world feels as natural as holding this girl in my arms. Putting a smile on her face and being the person to put all her pieces back together again are the two things I’ve sworn to always do.

  I may have walked into this house expecting one outcome, but I can’t complain about the unexpected turn of events.

  We watch PS I Love You on repeat until Breezie falls asleep with the heating pad pressed to her abdomen. I’ve got the instructions to three different kinds of tampons and panty liners sprawled out in front of me, examining each one until I decide which one I think is best for her in the future.

  I don’t know what time I finally fall asleep on the floor beside her bed, feminine products scattered all around me, but I know in my heart I would much rather be here with her in her time of need, than at my graduation party with anyone else.

  This is what you do for the people you love.

  Even if you can’t tell them how you feel.

  Sometime throughout the night, I wake up to Bree snuggling up with me on the floor, triangle pillow and all. She hasn’t slept beside me since she was eight years old, afraid of the boogeyman. It was just as innocent then as it is now, but I’ll be damned if I’m not completely convinced that if given the chance, this would be the future I would choose for myself.

  I smile to myself as I replay the memory. I know that if I go in her bathroom right now, she still uses the same tampons and panty liners to this day. I don’t know if she uses them because they’re actually the best, or if it’s because those are the ones I had clutched in my hands when I woke up the next day. Either way, it warms my heart knowing I was there for her that night, and so many other nights when she felt so alone.

  The thing about truly loving somebody is that their pain becomes your own. You can’t eat, sleep, or function properly until you know they’re okay. You can’t fathom leaving them in their time of need and nothing else will ever feel or seem as important as seeing them through that trying time. Yeah, she may have only been 15 and going through something that all girls go through, but that doesn’t diminish her fear or her discomfort that she had back then.

  I couldn’t have imagined leaving her in a time like that. And there hasn’t been a single day that has passed where I wished I would have been at my graduation party instead. I knew then, just like I know now, that I was exactly where I was meant to be.

  Bree has been a part of my heart and soul since the first time I laid eyes on her. I know that sounds silly considering I’ve known her since she was a baby, but even back then, I felt protective of her. I was worried any time she fell down, and I would rather hang back with her in the sandbox then go play with the other kids on the field. There’s always been some sort of cosmic link from me to her. Growing up I didn’t understand it, but when I hit 15, I started to slowly see what it was.

  I tried to fight it for a long time. I tried to attach myself to other people in the only way that I knew how. But in the end, it was always Breezie. I’ve always belonged to her. I may never have let myself imagine that I would have her the way I do now, but I’ll damn sure never take it for granted.

  The front door opens and closes with a small little click, pulling me out of the memory. Moments later, a very tired Bree rounds the corner. A yawn takes over her beautiful face, and that citrus scent I love so much, follows her just like it always has. It’s a smell that I’ve come to associate with peace and happiness.

  My Breezie all the way.

  Today has been the most activity she’s experienced since she woke up and I know that no matter how badly she may try to hide it from everyone else, she’s mentally and physically exhausted. She’s never been able to hide the truth from me. At least not for long.

  “You want me to run you a bath, beautiful?” I ask as she climbs into my lap.

  “No, I just want to lay down.” She whispers, allowing herself to sink into my embrace.

  Without a word, I carry her upstairs and gently lay her down on her triangle bed in the room I had designed for her. She’s fast asleep before I even I pull off each of her shoes.

  I pull the covers up and over her, making sure she’s fully cocooned, just the way she likes it. She gets to sleep in a real bed for the first time in what I can imagine feels like an eternity to her. Hell, it feels that way to me too.

  I want nothing more than to climb in that girly bed with her and hold her as close to me as possible, but her therapist told me I need to let her call all the shots every step of the way. She needs all the control she can get. And I will respect that no matter what. We’ve only ever slept in the same bed in a romantic way one time, and it was too long ago for my liking. But my Breezie is worth the wait. That much I’m sure of.

  I go out to the hall closet and grab some extra blankets and make a pallet on the floor beside her bed, just like old times. My body is screaming at me, begging me to sleep in a real bed, like it knows mine is right across the street. Hell, it’s probably remembering the best sleep I ever got was in my bed with Bree in my arms.

  Fuck, I don’t even remember what my bed feels like anymore.

  But you couldn’t pay me enough money in the world to pull me away from my girl’s side right now. The floor will just have to do. I take off my boots, and my pants, getting as comfortable as I can on the hardwood floor in just my t-shirt and boxer briefs. I let the sound of her light breathing coax me into sleep, a smile on my lips as I drift off.

  My girl is finally home.

  At some point in the night, a cold breeze blows over my skin as the blankets are pulled off me. A tiny little body, warm as can be, cu
rls up on my side. I wipe away the sleep from my eyes to see Bree curled up on the pallet I made on the floor with me, hand on my chest and leg draped over me.

  I wrap my arms around her, pulling her in even more. I almost forgot what it felt like to hold her like this, and I’ll be damned if she doesn’t melt into my side like she was born to be there.

  Her brunette hair cascades over my arms, her citrus scent filling my nose, lighting me up from the inside out. An overwhelming sense of right-ness washes over me.

  She’s finally mine.

  This is better than I could have ever imagined.

  Nothing in this world has ever felt so right.

  Nobody in this world has ever felt so right.

  And I know without a shadow of a doubt that this girl is more than just my everything.

  She’s my forever.

  Chapter Seventeen

  BREE

  There’s a reason they have PTSD victims go to therapy. Because no matter how much your brain logically knows that you’re no longer in any danger, the fear is still there because the memories run on a loop every time you close your damn eyes.

  For the last two weeks that I’ve been home, I have woken up in the middle of the night sweating, joining Dex on the floor at the foot of my bed. I’ve fought each night with asking him just to sleep up there with me, hold me, love me. But he doesn’t know about the nightmares yet and I don’t want him to find out.

  When I woke up the next morning and saw the room he had designed for me, I gasped so loudly that I woke him up. It was like waking up to a perfectly designed Utopia, stealing the breath right out of my chest. It was beautiful.

  I crawled out of bed, my fingertips dancing across the music notes painted on the wall, still covered in night sweats. Dex came up from behind, wrapping his arms around me, and placed a light kiss on my shoulder blade.