Ashes of Merciless

by Odette Michael

  “Vanessa,” Shane said quietly.

  I heard footsteps, and then there was only silence.

  Unable to hold on, Ash took control of me. My body jolted, and she filled my very soul. She rose from the couch. She turned to the sliding glass door and opened it, walking outside with heavy steps. She slammed the door, and the glass shuddered with the impact.

  A hoarse, piercing scream echoed throughout the forest.

  Ash fell to her knees, the scream dying in her throat. When she receded back into me, falling into dimness, we were left with nothing. Nothing but emptiness.

  ***

  Hours later, it was the Evaluator who came outside to check on me. The old man stared at me as I sat on my knees on the wooden patio.

  “Ashley, may I speak with you?”

  I looked up at him with dead eyes. His face contorted a little as he kneeled down to my level.

  “There is something I can do to help you with the problem you’ve been having for years now.”

  I tilted my head to the side. “You know about Ash,” I whispered numbly.

  “Is that who you call the voice you hear?”

  I nodded. “That’s who she told me she was.” Suddenly, I felt a flash of anger, but it melted into despair. “How long have you known? You said I have anxiety.”

  “You do have anxiety. How else would you explain drinking Stomach Steady like it was water?”

  “It’s your fault the Master knows about her,” I accused weakly.

  He sighed. “Ashley, I kept your files locked away in a place inside my office he only recently discovered. Your recordings gave away nothing, so I didn’t have to worry about them. I had a fake file for you he saw on a daily basis, although I worried he didn’t buy what it said.”

  “Why would you do that?” I asked, confused.

  “Because his interest in you troubled me. I was trying to keep you safe. But yes, I did guess your condition.”

  “Then why did you just give me anxiety pills? Why not just tell me you knew all along?”

  He picked a leaf up off the patio and crumbled it between his wrinkled fingers. “I went against Merciless laws when I let you go untreated, but I believed you needed to come to me. Your condition didn’t seem to impact your Assignments either. Maybe I made a mistake, but I wanted you to receive help when you were ready to. Would you have even trusted me enough to take the medication had I given it to you? And I knew what was in store for you. I knew that to you, never being able to leave Headquarters would be a fate worse than death. I just couldn’t bring myself to do that to you.”

  I pulled my knees up and rested my head against them, grateful for the distracting pain in my side and head. I traced my finger along the lines of the wooden planks, trying to keep my mind blank.

  “I can make Ash go away,” the Evaluator said very quietly.

  I looked up at him, my eyebrows raised. Suddenly, I burst out laughing. The Evaluator watched me with a concerned look on his face when I didn’t stop. I slapped the wood beside me with my palms, doubling over.

  Finally, I regained control of my hysteria. “Yeah, ok. Whatever,” I said, snickering slightly. “You can’t make her go away. Ash is a part of me. She’s as real as you and me. I mean, she’s the one who came out here in the first place. She had a little tantrum.”

  The Evaluator’s eyes were full of pity.

  His pity made me angry. “Ash is the one who has been doing most of the killing. She’s why I’m so good. She doesn’t just speak, you know. She can take over me.”

  He put his hand on my shoulder. “Ash is something your mind developed because of emotional trauma at a young age. She is another personality. You have dissociative identity disorder, Ashley. It’s also called multiple personality disorder. It’s very uncommon for someone with your condition to be aware of their other personality or personalities, but you have always been very aware of Ash, haven’t you?”

  I rose and stood over him, my teeth clenched together as I spoke. “She is real! I’m not imagining her!”

  He stood up as well. “I never said she wasn’t real. Ash is very real, but I can help you repress her.”

  Ash surfaced, and her anger was pure poison. “You can’t make me go away, old man. I’ll kill you right now where you stand.”

  The Evaluator didn’t seem fazed. “I know this is difficult, and I’m sorry. In our last session, I brought up dissociative identity disorder. I was hoping you were ready to confide in me. I wanted to give you some insight on what was wrong with you. I know it is confusing. Not too long ago, only therapy was available to treat your condition, but there is a new medication on the market now that has been very well received by patients. I made sure to bring the medicine along when I threw my things together. I have more than enough to last you until . . . Listen, this can help give you peace with the time you have left.”

  “I nearly killed Ashley’s mother just because she was a useless piece of trash. Do you honestly think I won’t kill you?” Ash hissed.

  “Repressed anger at your mother may have caused you to want to do something drastic, along with the fact that you have been trained for murder and violence. But you didn’t act on it, did you? You love your mother; I can see that.”

  Something broke inside the both of us, dissolving Ash. I stared at him, stunned. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before I slipped into oblivion.

  “Where is the medicine?” I asked.

  The Evaluator reached inside his pocket and pulled out a small blue bottle. He opened it and placed a capsule on my palm.

  “It will be a little while before you notice a difference. I’ll be the one to give it to you, ok?”

  “You don’t trust me with it?” I asked as I eyed the miracle in my hand.

  He didn’t reply.

  I closed a fist around it. “Fine. But maybe I shouldn’t take it. I still have to kill the Master and Scott. I might still need her.”

  “Whether you take it or not is up to you. I’m just here to let you know there’s another way.”

  I opened my hand and stared at the pill. Ash had been the one who'd ended lives because I hadn't been strong enough, and I remembered the way Ash had helped me in the bathroom.

  But I also remembered the cruel things she said and the way she made me feel like a prisoner inside my own body. She twisted my dreams and memories. She made me afraid to look into the mirror.

  I brought the capsule halfway to my mouth.

  “Don’t.”

  I hesitated. “I have to,” I whispered.

  “You need me.”

  “I know.”

  “Then don’t! We’ve gotten this far together. I’ll do better, I promise. I won’t hurt anybody here. . . .”

  “I’m sorry, Ash.”

  I swallowed the drug dry and looked at the Evaluator. He gave me a small smile and pulled me into a hug. I hugged him back, grateful to the man who’d been my friend for so long without my knowledge.

  “Let’s go see Gage’s parents. Gage is still asleep, but they want to talk you,” he said.

  Fear coursed inside of me, and he patted my shoulder.

  “It’s ok. Shane is going to make sure Vanessa keeps her distance. Gage’s parents won’t react the way Vanessa did. Gage loves you. I know Viola well enough to know that Gage’s love for you is all she needs to accept you.”

  Chapter 12 Endure

  After the Evaluator gave me a few minutes to gather my thoughts, we went into the living room.

  Gage’s parents were standing in front of the fireplace murmuring quietly to one another. Shane and Vanessa were sitting on the couch watching Sophia play cards with Lacey.

  As soon as I was visible, Vanessa gave me the coldest look anyone had ever given me. Everyone watched as she rose from her seat and left the room. A door slammed from somewhere in the house.

  I squeezed my hands together, not knowing where to look. Everyone was quiet, but it was Sophia who broke the ice. She smiled and ran to me, showing
me her cards.

  “Look at all my matches, Ashley! I’m gonna beat Lacey!”

  “You haven’t won yet, squirt,” Lacey said, giving me a wink.

  I tried to smile at the little girl, but I couldn’t. I was too nervous due to Gage’s parents.

  “I’ll root for you,” I told Sophia quietly.

  Sophia wrapped her arms around my thighs. “You’re so pretty, Ashley. You come play, too.”

  “Another time, Sophia,” Gage’s mother said as she came near me. Her eyes—Gage’s eyes—were unreadable. I found myself lost in them.

  “Hello, Ashley. We never really got the chance to get to know one another back at Headquarters,” Viola said, holding out her hand.

  Shakily, I took it. Viola seemed to be waiting for me to speak, but I found myself unable to do so. Gage’s father stepped closer to me, watching me warily.

  “My name is Colbert. It’s nice to finally meet you. Gage has told us so much about you.”

  This made me worry. Exactly what had Gage told them? Were they looking at me, or were they searching for Ash?

  Viola’s eyes softened. “It’s ok, Ashley.”

  Still speechless, I swallowed hard and nodded. I wanted to make a good impression on these people, but I didn’t know how. I’d never tried to impress anyone before.

  “Awkward,” I heard Lacey whisper to Shane.

  Shane rolled his eyes and concentrated on Sophia, who was humming contently as she stared at her cards.

  “We’re sorry about your parents,” Colbert murmured.

  Viola nodded in agreement. “I knew your father well. He was a good man.”

  I looked at my feet. “Thank you.”

  “You’re very brave, Ashley. We know you’ve been through a lot. It was Gage’s choice to come after you. He was the one who put our lives in danger, not you. And we support his decision. The Master must pay for the lives he has destroyed,” Viola said.

  I met her gaze. “He will pay,” I said.

  Colbert smiled at me. “Our son loves you. We’ve seen a change in him over the years, a good change. He is less angry and sad. Whenever we saw him, you were the only thing he talked about,” Colbert said.

  “I love him,” I said, surprising myself at how easily the words came. “I do. I love him so much, and I’m sorry for everything. I never wanted Gage to put his life in danger for me.”

  Viola put her hand on my arm. “You are not an intruder here, Ashley. I’m just glad I kept this place off the radar. And we’re happy to help. We hated staying at the resort anyway. All of this has given us a good excuse to stay away permanently.”

  I knew she was trying her best to make me feel at ease, and I was grateful. I was shocked at their acceptance of me; I had thought they would be like Vanessa. And since Viola knew me somewhat, I’d been afraid she’d already formed her opinion about me.

  What did she truly think of the girl who’d only communicated with her son, shunning the rest of the world? Had she seen someone cold and unkind? Or was she like Gage and had sensed something more?

  But despite their kindness, there was still a sliver of uncertainty in their eyes and a stiff posture to their bodies.

  “Ashley?”

  We turned to the voice in the living room doorway. Gage was watching us, his hair a rumpled mess. He closed the distance between us and took me into his arms, kissing me feverishly despite the audience.

  “You should have woken me up,” he said against my mouth, kissing me as he spoke.

  I put my hand to his cheek. “You needed rest.” I traced the circles under his eyes with a finger. “You still do.”

  “If you’re awake, then so am I,” he argued, kissing me again.

  “Ew, gross!” Sophia said from her place on the floor.

  Gage pulled away and smiled at her. “Sorry, Sophia.” He turned to his parents. “I suppose we start planning now, right? The more we delay, the more the Master gets the upper hand.”

  Suddenly, the room grew quiet. Shane looked out the window, his lips pursed. The Evaluator bowed his head. Lacey grew very still, her eyes on me. Gage’s parents must have known as well because they looked at each other sadly.

  Gage finally caught the atmosphere of the room. “What? What’s wrong?” he asked, looking down at me.

  Silence reigned. My knees shook, and Gage tightened his grip on me.

  Shane went to Sophia and picked her up. “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s go check on your mother.”

  “But we haven’t finished our game!” she complained as he took her out of the room. “Why’s everybody look so sad?” her voice echoed as a door closed quietly.

  “What’s going on?” Gage asked in a stern voice. He looked around the room and saw that all eyes were trained on me.

  I shook my head at them. I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him.

  Colbert put his hand on Gage’s shoulder. “Son, we need to talk.” Colbert glanced at me, a question in his eyes.

  “I can’t,” I whispered.

  “Can’t what? Ashley, what’s wrong? Are you ok?” His voice had taken on a strange pitch.

  Viola gently pulled Gage’s arms from me and took his hand. Her eyes were glazed over. “Let’s go outside, Gage.”

  He jerked away. “Someone tell me what is going on! Right here, right now.”

  Lacey came over and stood next to me. “Ashley doesn’t need to hear this again. Go outside with your parents.”

  Gage’s nostrils flared, and his familiar temper came alive.

  “She doesn’t leave my sight. Back off, Lacey.”

  “Go,” I whispered. I turned to him, pleading with my eyes. “Please. I’ll be right in here.”

  His eyes bore into me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes, treasuring every sensation of him.

  He followed his parents onto the patio. Colbert inclined his head at the Evaluator, who nodded and followed them outside. As soon as the door shut, I blindly stumbled to the couch, putting my head in my hands. Lacey sat next to me, her hand rubbing small circles on my back.

  Telling Gage would make my fate final. Somehow, him knowing about the fire in my blood made it more real. I knew I hadn’t fully accepted that I was dying. I didn’t know how to face it.

  But once Gage knew, I would have no choice but to accept it.

  There was only the sound of the clock ticking on the mantle. Then a huge, choking cry shuddered the glass. Immediately, tears streamed down my face at the sound of Gage’s pain. Lacey put her arms around me as I sobbed. There was a crash; Gage must have thrown something.

  The door opened, and Gage stormed inside with everyone close at his heels.

  “Gage!” his father called.

  “No! No!” Gage cried. He threw himself at my feet, his fingers digging into my shoulders. “Tell me it’s not true! Ashley, you look at me and tell me it’s not true!” he said through tears.

  My breathing hitched, and I turned and buried my face against Lacey’s shoulder.

  I’d never seen Gage cry before. I couldn’t handle the raw agony on his face.

  Gage shook me. “Ashley Adeline!”

  “Gage, stop! You’re making this worse!” Lacey yelled.

  My head ached. I felt dizzy and sick.

  “It’s true,” I whispered against Lacey’s blouse.

  Gage pulled me from Lacey’s grip to the floor with him.

  “No! You are NOT dying! You are not!”

  “Gage!” Viola said.

  “You can’t leave me!” he screamed at me, the green eyes I loved torn and broken. The desperation coming from him was tangible, a consuming entity that cut at my heart.

  I sagged against him, weak and hurting. “I’m sorry.”

  A strange sound came from Gage’s mouth as he held me against him, obviously forgetting about my soreness as he squeezed me to him. It was extremely difficult to breathe.

  I apologized over and over again. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know what else to do as he rocked
me back and forth.

  Gage finding out was so much worse than I’d imagined.

  We were now alone in the room. The only sound was Gage’s broken cries and his harsh breathing. He cried and kissed me, kissed me and cried.

  Eventually, his temper flared, and he let me go. He went to the wall, pulled his fist back, and punched the wood.

  I went to him as he made a mess of his hand, blood dripping onto the floor.

  “Gage, stop!” I pleaded. I cradled his hand in my own. “We’ll get through this.”

  His head fell against my shoulder. “There has to be a way. There has to be something we can do to save you!”

  “I don’t think . . . ,” I trailed off, unable to continue.

  “I fought for you! My future tormented me every single day because I knew I was going to have to marry a woman I’d never love because of the way I feel about you! And the thought of you with someone else was enough to make me sick! And now that we can be together, you’re . . . Ashley, I don’t know what to do!”

  I kissed him gently. “We kill the Master. We kill Scott and anyone else who is in league with them. And then we treasure the time we have left together,” I said, sounding much braver than I felt.

  “Ashley, I can’t lose you again. When I thought I was too late, it was too much pain. I’m still carrying that pain. ”

  I held his face to mine. There was nothing else I could say.

  A trickling pain . . . Lava dripping slowly. Then it built, and there was a rush of incredible heat. I gasped, my body locking tightly.

  “No,” I moaned.

  “Ashley?”

  “No!”

  I fell to the floor, seizing in pain. The fire flared and burned, and the scorching heat buried itself into every fiber of my being.

  “Evaluator!” Gage yelled.

  I clawed my nails against the floor. Gage’s hands were on me, and they felt like ice amidst the flames.

  “Why are you just standing there? Do something!”

  “I’m sorry. There’s nothing left I can give her.”

  My cries pierced the room. Wetness welled from my fingers as I carved lines into the wooden floor.

  “What do you mean there’s nothing left? Help her!”