Ashes of Merciless

by Odette Michael

  I flipped over onto my back, staring up at the blurred faces.

  “Make it stop!” I begged. “Please! Make it stop!”

  “I can’t watch this,” Lacey said.

  “Ashley!” Gage called desperately.

  I drifted in and out of darkness, but no matter what, the fire tormented me. Eventually, my voice broke, and my screams turned to only gasps of strained breath.

  There was no end. The fire raged on.

  ***

  It was the longest time of my life. I wasn't sure how much time had gone by, but it had to have been days, and the minutes of those days were separate eternities that never stopped.

  I begged the blurred faces for relief, but no relief came.

  I asked them to kill me, but they left me burning alive.

  Gage’s voice was a constant companion, but it faded after several eternities. Worry wormed its way into the fire; Gage leaving me made no sense.

  I made out the wrinkled face of an old friend, the curls of a woman as she held something wet to my skin, and dark green eyes that didn’t match the voice I wanted to hear.

  There were times when blackness weighed me down, the pain too much to bear, and I burned inside the red haze of my dreams.

  Centuries later, the fire began to die. Embers stung my skin, my organs. Finally, it was only ashes, and I sighed in relief.

  I hoped it was the end, the end of everything. I never wanted to burn again.

  Harmless darkness engulfed me. I heard Gage whispering into my ear. Convinced of his presence, I reached a hand toward his voice. As soon as he touched me, I allowed myself to drown inside the pain-free oblivion.

  ***

  I was afraid to wake up. I was frightened my alertness would bring the flames alive again.

  I slowly opened one eye. I was cradled against Gage’s side, and his breathing was slow and even.

  I was back in the blue bedroom with the IV in my hand.

  I sat up timidly, every nerve ending stretched and hurting. I could feel in my bones that this relapse had thoroughly weakened me, perhaps permanently. Every breath I took was too shallow, and my pulse was too slow.

  I wasn’t sure if I could survive an entire year of this. Maybe a quicker death, a closer death . . .

  If I asked them to kill me for my own sake, would they oblige? I imagined asking for this dark favor. Vanessa would be more than happy to agree. Maybe she could be the one to do it, and then her thirst for justice would be satisfied.

  I couldn’t be sure what Shane would think about it. I knew Gage’s parents wouldn’t want it because of how Gage felt about me. I knew the Evaluator cared for me, that Lacey was my friend.

  Gage. Could I cheat myself and him out of the short time we had left together? I pictured his eyes, his face, and his heart breaking. He’d loved me for years, and I still didn’t understand why. He was my best friend, had been my constant companion.

  Everyone had seen it. It was Gage the Evaluator had sought out at Headquarters. Both Lacey and Shane had remarked on our unusual closeness.

  No. I couldn’t leave him now no matter how painful it was. I still had a job to do; there were two people I needed to kill. They were the only two people I’d ever truly wanted to kill. I was going to have to find a way to stay strong and endure the fire in my blood.

  “Atta girl.”

  I jumped when Ash spoke, bumping Gage. His eyes flew open, and he sat up quickly, looking around the room as if searching for danger until he finally focused on me.

  “Ashley, are you ok?”

  He gently placed both hands on the sides of my face. His pupils were dilated, swimming with pain and worry. There was a certain weariness to his features that I’d only seen in older members.

  “Yes, I’m ok now,” I said.

  I put my fingers on the IV, ready to pull the needle out, but he gripped my wrist.

  “Don’t. It’s keeping you hydrated. Here, drink this.” He grabbed a water bottle off the nightstand and uncapped it for me.

  I drank, my throat parched. Gage eyed me carefully, clearly analyzing my every breath, my every movement. He reached for the nightstand again and picked up a pack of crackers.

  “Eat. It’s been almost three days,” he said, handing me a cracker.

  I moaned. “You’re kidding me.”

  His face sagged. He looked so much older than only nineteen now, as if my last relapse had aged him.

  “I’m not kidding,” he said. “I can’t watch you like this. I wish it was me. Ashley, I wish I could take your place.”

  I swallowed the cracker hard, bracing myself for the slight nausea. “No, you don’t. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.”

  Too late, I realized I’d said too much. His face fell, a mixture of sadness, pain, anger. Nothing could describe it, just like there were no words to describe the agony of the fire.

  “Gage, I’m sorry. It’s just it wouldn’t stop this time. It felt like years before it stopped.”

  He put his head down on his knee. “That’s because there was no morphine left to give you, and this was a longer relapse. I sat by your side for one hour before I knew I would do anything, even kill, just to end your agony. So I did.”

  My heart fluttered, making me gasp.

  “Gage, what have you done?” I whispered.

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “Don’t look at me like that!” he shouted suddenly.

  “Like what?” I asked warily.

  “Like I’m a murderer! I didn’t, ok? But I was prepared to if it came down to that.”

  I put my hand on his arm. “You know I don’t think of you that way, but I don’t want anyone dying for me. If we did things like that, how would we be any different from what Merciless has become? That’s not you, Gage. That’s not who you are.”

  He gave me a hard look, one of disagreement. I knew he wasn’t thinking clearly; my condition was obviously fueling his irrational thoughts.

  He reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out a bag full of syringes.

  “What’s that?” I inquired as he put the bag back.

  “Morphine. Shane and I robbed a hospital. Shane’s an Observer, so he has multiple identities. It was even easier than you might think. Shane literally walked in and flashed an ID. It took a while to get back because we had to go to a hospital that wasn’t nearby. Merciless has a way of finding out everything, and we wanted to give them no reason to suspect where we were, so we took a trip to Tennessee.”

  “Shane helped me?” I asked, bewildered.

  Gage’s face took on a haunted look. “If you could hear yourself when you relapse . . . Even Vanessa started to take pity on you. She saw the scratches from your nails on the floor. She told Shane to go. Yes, she hates you, but your screams were making Sophia cry.” He stared off into the distance. “We left as soon as you started begging us to kill you.”

  Immediately, I felt guilty for my previous thoughts. Gage looked like he was on the verge of madness. I worried that if I relapsed too soon, he would fall into that dark abyss.

  I kissed his cheek softly. “Thank you. Again.”

  I was rewarded with the smallest of smiles, but it melted away after a few seconds.

  “I’m not going to let you die, Ashley. I’ll find a way to save you. I promise.”

  I stared into his eyes, unable to voice my argument. I knew deep in my heart that I was truly dying and nothing could be done about it. Burning for so long had proved that.

  I felt it everywhere. As if agreeing with me, my heart skipped a beat.

  I couldn’t say the truth we both knew. Instead, I leaned against him and kissed him fiercely. It was different from the previous kisses we’d shared, deep with a passion that had been subdued for too long. He responded with just as much enthusiasm, but the hands holding me were careful. I had to pull away frequently to draw in air.

  Growing dizzy, I fell against him. His eyes darkened as he watched my shallow breaths. Slowly, he lay me down on the bed and pressed his l
ips to mine, pushing his own air into my lungs. I accepted the life he poured into me, amazed at this person who cared for me so much.

  I knew I wanted more. I wanted to share my soul with him.

  With shaking fingers, I slid down the shorts I wore.

  Gage pulled away quickly. “Ashley, what are you doing?”

  Some of my buried spunk bubbled to the surface. “You’re a guy, right? You should know,” I snapped.

  He rolled his eyes, clearly not amused. “I don’t think this is the right time for that. Look at yourself! You can hardly breathe, and you’re shaking all over.”

  I put my hand to his cheek, my voice quickly losing its sharpness. “Normally, I wouldn’t rush this. I would have waited longer. But . . . I love you. And as for it not being the right time, I don’t have much time left. Who knows what’s going to happen? I want to be as close to you as I possibly can.”

  He hesitated. “Ashley . . . I love you more than I thought I would ever love anyone. I never imagined I would even love like this. And don’t think for a second that I don’t want to.” He gently kissed my forehead. “I just don’t want to hurt you. You need to rest. You need food and—ˮ

  “I need you!” I protested almost violently.

  He surprised me by laughing quietly. “I remember a time when you said you needed no one, and never would.”

  Blood flooded my cheeks. “I am ashamed of who I used to be. That girl is gone. I know now that she was nothing.”

  Gage shook his head in disagreement. “That girl is who I fell in love with. A girl so fiercely independent, thinking herself shielded even when she didn’t realize that every emotion she felt was very clear in those hypnotic eyes. You tried so hard to make everyone stay away.”

  “You didn’t stay away,” I said, smiling.

  He traced my lips with his finger, filling me with unpainful warmth. “You were a mystery, something I had to unravel. And I knew you felt the same way about Merciless. I felt bonded to you in a way I cannot describe.”

  “I didn’t have a choice but to open up to you. You wouldn’t leave me alone.”

  Now when he smiled, it stayed. “Did that bother you?”

  “Maybe,” I confessed.

  “Good. I always loved getting under your skin.”

  He moved on top of me, pressing me against the bed as he kissed me. He shifted his body so that I felt all of him, but not his weight. Everything, including my faltering heart, disappeared from my mind as his mouth moved against mine.

  When I started to tug at his shirt, his eyes opened, but he didn’t break the kiss.

  “Please,” I whispered against his lips.

  “Ashley, you said yourself that normally you wouldn’t rush this. I don’t want you to want this just because you feel like there is no time.”

  “But—”

  “I’m not telling you no. I’m just saying not yet.”

  I sighed angrily and tried to shove him away, but he didn’t move.

  “You’re in denial, you know,” I said. “I am dying. You’ll have to face it sooner or later.”

  He kissed me, clearly wanting to shut me up. And while he was kissing me, my heart broke a little.

  Chapter 13 Memorial

  In the morning, everyone except for Vanessa and Sophia joined Gage and me in the living room to discuss our next steps.

  I knew they had most of the details, but Gage recited everything I’d told him to make sure everyone was on the same page. I was grateful that he skipped over the most painful parts, like what had happened to my mother.

  Also, Ash was not mentioned. Only Gage and the Evaluator knew of her existence, and I wanted to keep it that way.

  I sat by Gage’s side, both of his arms cradling me. I stayed silent as I observed the faces around me. Everyone’s eyes were dark, and their skin was slightly pale. The changes were most noticeable in Viola, the Evaluator, and especially Lacey.

  The Evaluator seemed to have more wrinkles than before, and the gray in Viola’s red hair was somehow more prominent. Lacey looked nothing like her normal self. Her mouth was set in a grim line, and her eyes were haunted. She wouldn’t hold my gaze for very long; a flash of pain grazed her features whenever she looked my way.

  I shuddered against Gage, and he tightened his grasp around me. I knew they had suffered because of me, and there was a sinking feeling in my gut because of it. I didn’t want them to hurt on my part.

  I picked at the blueberry muffin on my lap. As I nibbled on it, I saw Shane watching the shaking hand that held it. I put the muffin down and nodded my thanks to him for the morphine. He inclined his head, his eyes softening somewhat.

  “I’m not sure how we can go about this,” Colbert said after Gage was finished.

  “That’s because we can’t. It’s freaking impossible!” Lacey shot angrily.

  Everyone looked at her in surprise. She mumbled an apology and crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes glassed over. I reached over and put my hand on her arm. She refused to look at me.

  “Maybe we should just call the police and tell them the location of Headquarters. Let them handle it,” Colbert said almost grudgingly.

  Immediately, every pair of eyes went to him, and the pulse in his throat jumped as I focused my gaze on him.

  The Evaluator sipped his coffee and looked at Colbert strangely over the rim of his cup. “That wouldn’t work. Many years ago before my time, someone in Merciless did just that. The police and some of the military swarmed Headquarters, and every single member of the law was brutally killed. Then Merciless detonated a bomb, destroying all evidence of the hideout. After that, Merciless relocated to the farm in Georgia. The traitor was discovered and killed, and of course their family was killed along with her. If we did this, we would be condemning innocents to the same fate. Whoever they would send might not survive. The farm also has a bomb for self-destruction, and the Master is unstable enough to set it off. If the Master did destroy the farm, Merciless would relocate once again, and then it would be impossible to find them.”

  Viola rubbed her temples. “There’s no way we can get inside Headquarters. We’d be shot on sight by the Master’s followers, and I’m sure all of Merciless knows about Ashley not completing her Assignment, although they may not know all of the details. There has to be some members who have not figured out that Merciless is no longer what it used to be, and those people probably think of you all as traitors.”

  “The Master only leaves to go home, and that’s not very often,” the Evaluator said slowly. “I know where every member lives, but not him. He has always been a very private man when it came to things such as that. And how do we know for certain who knows about the innocent murders?”

  “Well, why did you all suspect something was wrong with Merciless to begin with?” Viola asked.

  “The Observers,” Shane said. “I know a few in particular who were starting to get suspicious, like Bobby and Janet. It wasn’t uncommon to exchange information about the Assignments for table talk, but some of them refused to speak a word about anything, and when they did, a lot of the information didn’t add up. So it has to be mainly Observers because they’re the ones with the information. The Sealers and Assassins just follow orders.”

  “Does anyone in particular come to mind that we know we can’t trust?” Colbert asked.

  Shane closed his eyes in thought. “Definitely Carol. She would get upset if you asked about anything. Also Kristy and Cain.”

  “What about Scott?” Gage asked.

  Shane shrugged. “Scott is probably in on it. He’s most likely the Assassin who did most of the dirty jobs.”

  “But he wanted Ashley for this last one. Why is that?” Viola mused.

  “Maybe he wanted her to find out. Maybe he knew she would do exactly as she did, and it was an excuse to hurt her!” Lacey fired off. “Ashley said herself that the Master wanted revenge on her because of Richard. And he wanted to know about this boy that Ashley saved.”

  “I’ve b
een thinking,” I said softly.

  Immediately, everyone turned their attention to me. I’d been mostly silent for the past half hour, and I tried to clear some of the hoarseness from my throat; I’d screamed so much that I didn’t have much of a voice left.

  “This mystery boy could be the key to everything. Maybe he could help us,” I rasped.

  “What do you mean?” Gage asked.

  “I think this boy is the Master’s son, and the Master tried to have him killed. Not by anyone in our group, though. I remember that they looked like thugs, but they could have been professionals dressing the part.”

  Lacey’s eyes brightened with some of their old spark. “Ashley, you’re a genius!”

  I shrugged. “It makes the most sense. Apparently, his kid hardly ever came to Headquarters, and I never saw him at Headquarters myself. And the person I saved was maybe sixteen or seventeen. I think the Master tried to get his son to follow in his footsteps, to go against Merciless’s code after he retired, but his son refused. The Master then tried to have his son killed for his defiance. It's possible the Master’s house is near where mine was; the boy was walking around the post office in that county. Still, it’s foolish to try to find the Master’s home on our own, but his son could help us.”

  Gage kissed my cheek as I took deep breaths. I suddenly felt drained, and I leaned against him more.

  “I think you might be right,” Shane said, and he looked at me with slight admiration.

  “Shane and I can find him,” Lacey said eagerly. “I’m not an Observer, but we’re taught some of their skills, as you’ve already seen.”

  Shane nodded. “Lacey and I should get started.”

  “I’m coming with you,” I murmured.

  “No,” Gage said flatly.

  “This boy will recognize me when we find him. He’ll run from anyone else. He might even run from me, but he’s our only hope of finding out where the Master lives,” I argued.

  “I don’t think you’re well enough to go anywhere.”

  “Gage, I’m dying. I’m dying here, and I’ll be dying wherever I am. We’ll bring the morphine along,” I said, my voice rising slightly.

  “And how much help do you think you’ll be during a relapse?” Gage shouted in retaliation.