Running his tongue along his front teeth, Shane shook his head, muttering, “You don’t know anything about sacrifice.”
Silence fell between them. He took that time to finish his meal and sip his wine. Then, seeing the defeated look on Callan’s face, he couldn’t help but feel sympathy for him. It was his fault the man’s face looked that way, after all. And if they were going to continue the game, he needed to watch his mouth.
It was getting later, and, having looked at the time, he realized that he was overdue for a dose of medication. He’d forgotten in all the excitement. “I should get going.”
“Oh,” Cal spoke in a hushed tone.
Shane couldn’t hide that he was satisfied by the man’s disappointment. He had to fix it though. As painful as it was, he was having fun too. “Maybe I can buy you dinner next time. Just not in a place like this.”
“Oh!” Callan said in a much more cheerful voice. “Well, how does Friday sound? I mean, if you don’t already have plans.”
“Eh, I can move some things around.” There was hardly ever a time when he was actually busy, but he wasn’t going to tell him that. “Me leaving is more out of necessity. Believe me, I’d much rather stay here with you.” That was too much. He hadn’t meant to give Callan any indication that he still liked him. “My apartment is really, really boring. You’re a slight improvement.” There, had he fixed it?
Before he gave the man too much hope, Shane casually – and completely intentionally – brushed against Callan on his way out.
That night in his small apartment felt just as lonely as it had on the night Callan had left him. It was all coming back as fresh as the tears forming in his eyes.
And those weren’t the only memories he was reliving lately.
This was a bad fucking idea. It was supposed to be fun, a segue to some sort of happy medium of what they had and whatever they might become.
He would have to adjust the rules as needed.
They hadn't even been around each other for two full days and he already wanted to throw himself at Callan, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Being so angry at someone, and wanting to jump their bones, and saying every mean thing he could think of, wasn't healthy.
No matter how much he wanted to, they couldn't pick up where they had left off. Shane wanted to pretend the past had never happened and simply move forward, but that wasn't realistic. Sooner or later, the past would come back to haunt him. And they would need to address it when it did.
If he couldn't count on Callan to be there for him when he'd been at what he considered to be his best, how could he trust Callan to be there when he was at his worst?
Winter 2009
It was after dark. He was supposed to be at his father’s house, but he’d broken the rules. It was worth the risk.
“Shane, can I ask you something?”
“I think you just did,” he teased.
There was a pause.
“Are you ashamed of me?”
Shane furrowed his brow. “What?”
“It’s just...” Jake’s voice trailed off as he lowered his gaze. “We’ve been going out for three months now and you won’t let me kiss you or even hold your hand in public.”
“It’s not because I’m ashamed.” How was this boy so unaware of how happy he made Shane? Maybe it was because he had nothing to compare it to. With everyone else, Shane was hiding, whether it was because of his father, his sexuality, or how completely inadequate he felt in all things – he could never truly be himself. Except with Jake. He’d done a poor job of expressing that.
“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he spoke with a soft smile. “I just don’t want anything to ruin that.”
While Jake’s features lit up considerably, he didn’t return the smile. “Does that mean I’m not going to meet your family?”
Shane chewed his bottom lip anxiously before shaking his head. “Believe me, you don’t want to.”
There was another pause. He had gotten pretty good at interpreting those. This one said that Jake didn’t necessarily believe him, but didn’t want to say so. “Are they really that bad?”
“You have no idea,” he whispered.
Jake placed his hands on his hips, his eyes narrowed. “I don’t want to be a secret. I want you to be proud to be with me.”
“I am! How can I prove it to you?” Shane’s gaze wandered over their surroundings in search of a solution to their problem. “Find a building we can climb – I’ll shout it from the rooftops.”
He rolled his eyes. “You’re afraid of heights.”
“Maybe so, but I’d still do it for you.”
When Jake’s cheeks flushed red, Shane’s immediately followed suit.
Had he fixed it? Wanting to make their relationship public and being able to do so were two very different things. He just knew that if he didn’t at least give Jake something to work with, this would end.
“Are you mad at me?” he asked in a small voice, taking Jake’s hand in his.
“No,” Jake responded, much to his relief. “I’m not mad.”
2
Shane walked into a stone and gem shop called Shiny Things and saw his boss behind the counter. That was rare, but since he was the only employee, he hadn’t left the owner much of a choice.
The middle-aged man clicked his tongue and shook his head. “You’re late, kid.”
He heaved a sigh and shooed the man from behind the counter so that he could take his place there. “When will you stop calling me that?”
“When you stop acting like one.”
With a roll of his eyes, he leaned against the counter. “I overslept, Peter. And I’m sorry, but I can’t promise that it won’t happen again.”
“Is everything okay?” Peter asked with a raise of his brow.
Shane shrugged, unwilling to give his boss a list of his problems. He never wanted to use his condition as an excuse. “I’m fine.”
“It’s okay if you’re not.” Peter walked over to one of the shelves and shifted a few of the stones. “You don’t have to be here every day if you’re not feeling up to it.”
“The day I can’t do my job, I’ll let you know. Will you lay off now?”
“Sure, as long as you don’t make a habit of being late.”
Since there was no one in the shop, he took the opportunity to sort out invoices that were sitting behind the counter. He thought the matter was settled but caught Peter staring at him.
“So...what’s your excuse?”
Shane clicked his tongue. “I don’t have one.”
“Was it a girl?”
“No.”
“Was it a boy?”
He pursed his lips before responding. “Yes and no.”
With a smile, he took a step closer. “Come on, spill.”
They had never spoken about their personal lives before, so this sudden interest made him suspicious. He had to remind himself that not everyone was out to get him. “When I was eighteen, I knew that I’d met the love of my life. He was everything I had hoped to find in a person. There was just one problem.”
He cocked his head curiously. “He was married?”
“No,” Shane mumbled with a scoff. “His family is...less than evolved. And he couldn’t be in a relationship that his family wouldn’t accept.” He ran his tongue over his front teeth, the thought leaving a bad taste in his mouth. “So he left me.”
“That’s a shame.” Peter dipped his chin and then raised his brow. “I assume there’s more to this story.”
“Why are you all up in my business today?” He shifted uncomfortably. “He’s back in town and we sort of went on a date.”
“And?”
“And I don’t know if I can forgive him for leaving.”
“That does pose a problem.” He nodded slowly. “Were you happy to see him again?”
“I guess so. But I was kinda pissed too.” Shane folded his arms. “If I hadn’t bumped into him, I don’t t
hink I ever would have known that he was back. He wouldn’t have reached out, he’s too chickenshit.”
“Hold the phone.” Peter held up his hands. “You randomly bumped into, arguably, the love of your life?”
“Yeah. So?”
“That shit only happens in the movies. Unless it’s fate.”
Shane made a face. “You believe in fate?”
“Sure, why not?”
“Oh, god.” He rolled his eyes. “Are you a hopeless romantic?”
“Romantic, not so much.” Peter smirked. “Hopeless, absolutely.”
He didn’t know what had gotten into his boss today, but it was amusing, to say the least. It did make him wonder if he was going to suffer through this awkward bonding every day now. “Can we stop talking about my love life if I promise not to be late again?”
“That sounds fair.” After shooting Shane a stern look, the older man disappeared behind a shelf. “The next time you’re late, I’ll be knocking down your door.”
New Year’s Eve 2009
People were lighting off fireworks. It seemed that everyone in the neighborhood was celebrating the holiday except for them. It was times like these when he wished that he didn’t have to spend any holidays with his father, but fair was fair in the eyes of the court, and parents had to split holidays. He’d be having a much better time at home with his mother and brother.
The only saving grace of the evening was the puppy seated beside him on the couch. The young German Shepard’s paws were draped over his lap as he flipped through TV channels.
He heard the shuffling of feet and looked over to the doorway of the kitchen where his father stood. The puppy lifted its head, both ears raised – one of them looking as though the tip had been cut off.
“Come here, Shane,” the man said gruffly. “You’re going to learn something today.”
He knew that tone. It meant that his father was in a bad mood. “Can I put Teddy in my room first?”
“No, he’s getting dragged into this because of you.”
Fearing for the safety of the dog, he wanted to stand up, and, fearing for his own, he didn’t want to move. “Into what?”
“I saw you in town...holding hands with that boy.”
He was unable to hide panic-stricken features. Even if it hadn’t been true, his father wouldn’t have believed him. “Dad, we were joking around. We’re just friends.”
“You’re a terrible liar. My own son, a fucking fairy.” The adult who towered over him on a normal day seemed exponentially large in this moment, every step forward making Shane’s heart race a bit faster. “That just breaks my heart, Shane. So now I’m going to break yours.”
“Can I please put Teddy away?” he asked, his voice cracking.
“No.”
Gently moving the puppy off his lap, Shane got to his feet, his hands shaking. As his gaze lowered, he noticed that his father was wearing his steel toe boots. The first thought that came to his mind was that he was going to kick Teddy to death. Shane had been on the receiving end of those boots. He was young, but he was stronger – Teddy was just a baby.
“This is where the lesson comes in.” The man crossed his arms and dipped his chin, staring down his son. “It’s you or the dog. Choose.”
This was new. Usually when he was given a choice, it was between fist or boot, belt or paddle, Russian roulette or five finger fillet. He was always the one being hurt. He’d never been faced with the possibility of someone else being hurt because of him.
“No,” he whispered desperately. “No, I’ll do anything...please.”
“You have five seconds to decide, Shane.” The floor shook from the motion of his boots. “Five, four, three, two-”
As soon as he was within reach, Shane’s father grabbed the puppy by its neck. Shane rushed into action, using all his strength to pry his father’s fingers from Teddy’s throat and then shoving him away.
“Stop it, leave him alone!” Swallowing hard, Shane glanced toward the dog to make sure he was alright. Teddy was whining with wide, alarmed eyes, and his ears pinned down. He must have been scared out of his mind. Shane knew the feeling. “Hurt me instead, I can take it.”
“You stupid piece of shit.” His father shook his head. “What kind of idiot chooses to save a dog’s life over his own?”
Idiot or not, Shane wasn’t going to stand by and watch the innocent pup murdered before his eyes. He couldn’t control much, but he could do something about this.
“Teddy, come!”
He secured the leash to his dog’s collar in record time and exited through the front door – using the back one would have meant getting past his father. And he wasn’t confident that he would be able to do that without Teddy getting caught in the crossfire.
Shane walked until his legs were sore, and then beyond that. Fireworks were being set off and the dog was becoming anxious. This was his plan, to leave Teddy alone and confused, so that he wouldn’t be able to find his way home. It was better than what awaited them there.
They hadn’t been together very long, but Teddy was smart. He was not only loyal to Shane but listened to him well. He was counting on that now. Veering off the sidewalk, he led the puppy to a wooded area and removed the leash and the collar. Hopefully, someone would assume he was a stray and take him in.
“Okay, Teddy. You have to stay here. You can’t follow me, okay?”
The dog stared at him with a blank expression. A lump formed in his throat, tears blurring his vision.
“Stay,” he repeated.
Turning his back on Teddy, he took a few steps forward and then quickly turned around to make sure that the dog was listening to his command, but he wasn’t. “You can’t come back with me! He’s going to kill you, don’t you understand?”
No, how could he? All the dog knew was that Shane was abandoning him. He would never know the reason behind it. As much as this pained him, he knew that he was saving Teddy’s life. This wasn’t the first time his father had threatened the pup and it wouldn’t be the last. Even if Shane made sure that Teddy was at his mother’s house full time, he was worried that his father would find a way to get to him.
Taking a deep breath, he threw his arms around Teddy. “I love you. I’m really sorry about all this.”
He stood straight once more and wiped his tears on the sleeve of his shirt.
“Stay,” he commanded for a third time.
Then he walked out of the wooded area and toward the sidewalk. He looked over his shoulder every few minutes to be certain that Teddy wasn’t following him. No sign of him, thank goodness.
It was dark by the time he returned to his father’s house. Fireworks were still lighting up the town of Westbourne. Even with all that noise, he was still startled by the hand on the back of his head when he walked in the door. The force knocked him to the floor and he pursed his lips, though he dared not move. Sometimes making eye contact worsened his father’s mood.
“If you ever put your hands on me again, I’ll kill you, Shane.”
Callan was worried that Shane was going to call it off. Everything was on his terms, and rightfully so, but it meant suspension in limbo. He was walking on eggshells, not knowing what Shane would do from one moment to the next.
They met at a modest restaurant this time because Shane was paying. This wasn't a place that Callan's family would have been caught dead in, and he couldn’t have been happier about it as his date approached the table.
“Fancy meeting you here,” he said with a grin.
“Haha, very funny.” Shane sat across from him.
Callan could sense the obvious tension and his smile fell, though he quickly tried to recover with another smile. “I feel like we've talked a lot about me and not nearly enough about you. What is it that you do, Shane?”
“I work at a stone and gem shop. Sounds boring, I know. But it's usually quiet and relaxing.”
“No, that sounds nice. I wish I could work in a place like that.”
“You co
uld do anything.” Shane folded his arms. “I think your fear of losing your money and status keeps you at a job you hate.”
Callan pursed his lips, the tension in the air finding its way to his jaw. “I have responsibilities. Obligations.”
“Everyone does.”
A waitress came by to take their orders, and while the break in eye contact might have calmed any other person and made them adjust their attitude, it didn't have that effect on Shane.
“I just don't think you should complain about how miserable you are if you're not willing to do something about it.”
Cal paused. “I'm trying.”
“Are you?”
He swallowed hard, wondering if they were still playing the game. Until Shane said that they weren't, he was going to keep at it. “How can you be so judgmental when you don't know anything about me?”
“I know enough.”
Cal heaved a sigh. “I suppose you've never made a mistake or felt like you had to please everyone. We don't all have the luxury of telling our parents to screw themselves.” The twitch in Shane's face almost made him regret his words, though he deserved it as far as Cal was concerned. “My job makes me miserable but maybe I don't know who I am without it. Maybe I don't know how to reduce my lifestyle. Does that make me a bad person?”
“No.” Shane took a sip of his water, letting the silence linger for a moment. “But making promises you can't keep doesn't make you a good one.”
Cal shook his head. “So if people don't live up to your almighty standards, that makes them terrible? People make mistakes, Shane.”
“And I'm one of yours, right?”
He furrowed his brow, staring into the stoic face of the younger man. It was so difficult to read him. Was he actually hurt or was he just trying to get under Callan's skin? Hurt, angry, whatever Shane was, it confused him.
Wanting to get this night back on track, he took a deep breath and softened his tone. “If it's alright with you, I'd like to enjoy our dinner without prejudice. Can we do that?”
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