by Wood, Lauren
Suddenly, Caitlyn ran up and started climbing into her arms. Tara scooped her up, growling like a monster as she planted raspberries up and down her tummy. Christopher was quick to join in, and even Bailey couldn’t help but laugh as she watched from a few feet away.
“Can we show him now!?” the twins asked in unison.
“Maybe in a minute,” Tara replied, somewhat awkwardly. “Your daddy and I have to discuss something first.”
“But we’ve been waiting all week!” Bailey protested, turning to me with an eager expression. “We have a surprise for you. Can we show you now, Daddy!? Please!”
“All right,” I laughed. “I guess Tara and I can talk afterwards. What’s this surprise?”
The three of them shoved me along into the playroom and forced me down to the floor on a pillow. They each set about grabbing things from different corners of the room as Tara pushed a cardboard puppet theater into the center of the floor.
My heart warmed as the kids hid behind the box, giggling and shushing each other. After a few moments, little paper bag puppets with yarn hair and googly eyes popped up over the edge. They began to play out a story about three little bears who had very busy days, but then along came Goldilocks, only in this version of the story, Goldilocks had red hair instead of blonde, and rather than messing up their beds and eating all their porridge, she fed them and made sure they were taken care of.
My eyes shot up to Tara, who was watching with a proud smile. Her eyes cut over to me, but she blushed and looked away. I filled with dread, thinking it was either already too late to let her go because the kids were attached, or she had put them up to the whole thing to win them over.
By the end of the puppet show, a fourth character arrived—a grumpy old daddy bear who all the kids were excited to see nonetheless. I tried not to notice the way Goldilocks kissed the daddy bear as he returned home.
Soon they were finished and taking bows while I gave them a standing ovation. “That was wonderful!” I beamed. “How did you three come up with such a great story?”
“Tara taught us,” Bailey boasted. “She’s helping us learn to use our imaginations. She told us we could make it about anything we wanted!”
Damn, I thought. I guess that cancels out any possible notion that she had encouraged them to make the story about what a good job she did.
“I’m very impressed,” I told them, giving each one an extra hug and kiss.
Once again, Tara and I were left alone as they took off in circles around the room.
“You wanted to talk?” she reminded me, since I appeared to be left without words.
Her bright eyes burned into me, only now she seemed a little less angry, as if the kids had chased away any lingering resentment. I had to admit, I was tempted to feel the same way.
“Um, yes,” I coughed. “In my office.”
As we walked in heavy silence, I wondered if I was making the right decision. I was stuck behind Tara yet again, forced to take on the painfully enjoyable view of her butt as she strode through the halls. Only now, I was more certain than ever that it wasn’t just her good looks that made me hesitant to think she wasn’t the right fit for the job. There was no denying that she was great with the kids.
We walked into my office and took the same seating arrangement we had when she interviewed. I sat behind my desk while she sank into the chair across from me. Only now she wasn’t as nervous, alert, or eager to impress—even if she had no clue how to go about it. She had settled into the environment and seemed more confident and at ease. Somehow it only made her more attractive.
“Listen,” I started slowly, unsure of what I was about to say. My mind was less made up by the second. “About the other night…”
“I won’t bring it up again,” she cut me off. “I won’t apologize, because I do think there are things that need to be discussed, but I’m not going to push it. If you don’t want to talk about it, I can’t force you.”
She spoke with the same sternness I had when conducting a meeting, trying to rile up my men to work harder and make more money. She was decisive and direct—nothing like the aloof, scattered woman I had taken her for. She never stopped surprising me with the different sides of her personality.
I inhaled a deep breath, still prepared to just get it over with and let her go. But all that came out was air. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say the words, which opened me up for future scrutiny, and the torment of being so drawn to her even though nothing could happen.
But…it also allowed the kids to keep her around, which was good since they had obviously fallen for her. Now I just had to try not to do the same.
8
Tara
Jason sat across from me at his desk with something on the tip of his tongue, but nothing came out. I wasn’t sure if he intended to fire me or chew me out, but whatever it was—he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
I tried not to notice the way his eyes sparked with the hint of attraction. I have always been a bit boy crazy, which is what kept getting me into trouble. So, I knew the signs of a man wanting me through and through. The brief glances at my body, looking me in the eye for too long, clearing their throat and being all flustered…Jason had all the markers of wanting me.
“I’m sorry,” he offered suddenly, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “It’s been a long day, and I…I guess I don’t actually have anything to say for now.”
I laughed a little under my breath. He insisted on sitting me down in his office, only to tell me he had nothing to say. I was going to tease him for it, but suddenly he looked very tired. I decided to take it easy on him.
“The kids were really excited to see you home so early,” I smiled, hoping it might cheer him up.
He stared off blankly and grinned. “Yes, well…speaking of which, I’d like to spend some quality time with them this evening. You’re welcome to join us for dinner, but otherwise…you’re dismissed for the rest of the day.”
“Oh, you mean I’m welcome to cook your dinner?” I taunted, knowing I had never seen him do anything in his kitchen beyond brewing coffee.
“I’ll have you know, I have become quite the skilled chef over this past year,” he quipped. “I’ve developed a gourmet menu complete with some of the finest dishes like…grilled cheese sandwiches…peanut butter and jelly sandwiches…tuna sandwiches…”
“So really just sandwiches? That’s very gourmet indeed.”
“Of course, my talents are no match for yours…The kids tell me you’ve been serving this dish called…what was it…SpaghettiOs? Is that French?”
I caught myself giggling in a way I only ever did with a guy I liked. I couldn’t believe it. Were we…flirting? At the very least, we weren’t bickering, which was progress.
We chuckled for a moment, but soon his face faded into something distant and somber. “Anna was a great cook.”
With Jason being so busy with work and the kids usually being pretty cheerful throughout the day, it was sometimes easy to forget about the loss they had all suffered. But I could see it written all over his face right then. It was almost a relief to see him open up and just let himself feel it for a minute.
“I’m really sorry, Jason. I can’t imagine what losing her has been like for all of you.”
His face tightened as if he was dangerously close to tearing up, but he was quick to pull himself together. “We really won’t be needing you to cook tonight, though. I’m sure the kids will enjoy helping me whip something up.”
“Of course. In that case, perhaps I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll just go tell the kids goodnight and enjoy some alone time in my room.”
He still looked like he was teeming with more to say, but remembering Anna knocked the wind out of him. I excused myself and enjoyed a long hot bath, Chinese delivery food, and ten blissful hours of sleep.
A few days later, the kids and I were taking a stroll around the property. Beyond the lavish landscaping in the massive backyard, there were some woods with a c
emented path winding through them. You’d never know you weren’t in a really nice public park with the way it stretched on for miles, aside from the fact that you had it all to yourself.
I had learned that even with as busy as the kids stayed in all of their various lessons and summer tutoring, if we didn’t squeeze in some sort of leisurely outside time in the afternoons, they’d be bouncing off the walls by dinner time. These little walks had become one of our favorite things to do together.
“Where do butterflies come from?” Caitlyn asked suddenly.
“Caterpillars,” replied Christopher.
“But where do caterpillars come from?”
Christopher looked stumped.
“From other butterflies. Their moms, you dummy,” Bailey huffed by, putting herself several feet ahead at a fast pace.
With seconds, Caitlyn’s bottom lip was trembling, and I could see her on the verge of bursting into tears. In any other situation, I would have yelled at Bailey and demanded she apologize. But everyone processed grief differently, and these kids were no different.
Bailey had a tendency to take it out on everyone around her, sometimes being mean but usually just distant. Christopher tried to stay upbeat, usually only slowing down to think about how much he missed his mom when Caitlyn brought it up. And she was often asking questions like this to try to make sense of it all in her head.
I kneeled down to Caitlyn, gently placing my hands on her shoulders. “Don’t listen to her. She doesn’t mean it.”
She nodded with a big sniffle. “I never see caterpillars or butterflies with their mommies though. Do they all have a home they live in together?”
“I don’t believe so. The mommy butterfly lays her eggs and flies away, so that when the caterpillar is born it can learn how to eat up all the food it needs to survive on its own.”
“Does the mommy butterfly ever come back?”
My heart twisted with the question. I knew why she was asking. Either the butterflies never came back, and she could maybe think she understood how they felt being without a mom. Or they did come back, which meant her mom might too.
“I think they have a home,” Christopher announced confidently. “Once the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, he flies off to find his family. It’s a special house that we can’t see. Maybe it’s in the clouds.”
“That’s very nice, Christopher,” I sighed with relief. “I think you’re right.”
I shuffled the kids along to keep walking. We were beginning to have more and more moments like these, where they tugged at my heartstrings in a way I had never felt before. I knew I was getting attached, which was dangerous.
But really caring for the kids seemed to make me better at my job. It made me wonder how other nannies did it. How do you look after them day in and day out, knowing it’s just a job that could end at any time? It didn’t help that these three little ones were hurting and so desperate for a mother figure.
For the rest of our walk, I couldn’t stop thinking about what life would be like for me when this job was over, whenever that might be. I was feeling less certain of my ability to call it quits when Dominic and Vanna returned from Paris. Maybe just a little longer than that, I kept thinking.
There was a time when I thought Clinton was the one, but he turned out to be my worst nightmare. As much as I wanted to swear off men forever, the kids reminded me how much I wanted a family of my own one day.
Unable to get it out of my head, I thought it might be good to get out for an evening. I wanted to have a night out in the city and forget about Jason and the kids for a moment. No matter how badly I wanted a family, they weren’t it. A few hours away was just the thing I needed to put some distance between us.
Once the kids were in bed, I changed into my favorite glittery halter and my black skinny jeans that hugged my ass perfectly. With a quick style of my hair, some earrings, and a pair of heels to match, I was looking hotter than I had in a long time. As I studied myself in the mirror, it hit me. I hadn’t been out since before everything happened with Clinton.
I set off to find Kelsey or to see if Jason was home to let them know I’d be stepping out for a few hours. Jason’s study was empty, and Kelsey was nowhere in sight. But when I stepped into the kitchen, I was startled by the sight of Jason plopped down on one of the barstools, looking especially exhausted.
9
Jason
I slumped over the kitchen bar, loosened my tie, and poured myself another generous helping of scotch.
I had just gotten off the phone with Dominic. He claimed he wanted to check in on business, but I was convinced he just wanted to flaunt his romantic Parisian vacation in my face. I didn’t want to burst his bubble. I told him everything was fine, and truthfully it was. I was keeping things afloat.
But Eric was off somewhere in the Bahamas with some new model he met. It seemed he was now trying to take Dominic’s title as the ultimate womanizer of the family. Jesse was trying to help, but he was inexperienced compared to Dominic and me. Plus, he still hadn’t stopped sulking over the whole thing with Vanna.
I was drowning in endless conference calls and meetings and paperwork that had to be signed off on. It seemed like employees were trying to throw extra problems in my face just to see if they could get deals through with me that Dominic wouldn’t normally go for.
Beneath all of that, I couldn’t stop thinking about Dominic’s voice and how happy he sounded on the phone. I could hear Vanna giggling in the background. I imagined the pricey hotel they were staying in, drinking wine all hours of the day, catching shows and museums and shops, all while eating some of the best food the world has to offer. Through all of that, they were wrapped in each other’s arm, basking in new love and lust.
I could remember feeling that way about Anna so vividly. More than that, I remembered what came after when we got comfortable and really trusted each other. She was my rock, and I could come home at the end of a long, hard day and talk to her about anything. Or not talk, and just watch her play with the kids. It made me so happy, kind of like the scene I witnessed with Tara and the kids just days before.
Having been a bachelor taking advantage of my time to play the field in all the days leading up to Anna, and then being so busy with grief and raising the kids once she was gone, I hadn’t had time to really feel this way before in my life. But I had a feeling this was what people called…loneliness.
Well, it had to happen sooner or later, I thought to myself before taking a swig straight from the bottle. As soon as I heard footsteps, I quickly refilled my glass to drink more like a gentleman. That’s when Tara appeared around the corner. My jaw dropped. She didn’t look anything like the nanny who had been staying here the past week.
Her eyes were smokey with dark makeup, her hair was pulled up in a voluminous ponytail, and she wore skin-tight scantily clad clothes. The nanny had left the building. She was pure vixen now.
“I was just about to toast myself, but I guess…cheers to you,” I announced, tipping my glass and trying to act as smooth as possible. “Going somewhere?”
“Oh…yes, sorry. If that’s all right…I was trying to find you or Kelsey to say I’d be going into the city for a few hours…if it’s okay with you.” She brushed a loose strand of hair past her blushing cheek.
“Wow, you’re normally not so apologetic,” I blurted, wondering if I should slow down my drinking.
“I just…felt bad, I guess, to walk in and see you…to presume I could just leave and…” her brows wrinkled as she trailed off, studying me closer. “You doing okay? You seem like…you’ve had a bad day or something.”
“Eh, it’s fine,” I waved. “No worse than usual. Would you like a drink before you hit the road?”
“Sure,” she answered slowly. “But…I have to be honest. I’m not really a big scotch fan.”
“How about…apple martinis?”
“Can’t say that I’ve ever tried one,” she smiled, sliding onto the stool across from mine.
“You’re in for a treat.” I turned to the liquor cabinet and began pulling out all the ingredients, trying not to remember how much Anna loved apple martinis. “Listen, I really am sorry about the other night. I know you were just trying to help. I was just feeling…overwhelmed.”
She nodded sympathetically. “I understand. I guess it wasn’t exactly great timing for me to put extra things on your mind…with you having just started back to work and all.”
I returned and delivered a round of cocktails as I remembered how many questions the kids asked me about Anna when I was the one at home with them.
“How are they doing, in your opinion?” I asked finally, feeling a little afraid of the answer. “You were probably right in thinking I should talk to them more. Getting out of the house has been good for me. I think before I was just so caught up in my own grief, it was hard to be open with them.”
“They’re finding their own ways to cope with things. I really do get it, Jason. That’s why I’m here after all…Vanna had only been gone a few hours, and I knew I couldn’t stay locked up in that house with all of my thoughts.”
“Yeah, I guess almost going to prison for murder would throw a person for a loop.”
My drink spilled down my chin a little, and I noticed something dark glinting in her eyes. I needed to pull myself together and stop being so sloppy, especially with her looking like that. Was I really so out of practice with women?
“Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound…”
“No, it’s okay. I know how it all looks. But after how everything turned out, it’s not what I did to him that keeps me up at night.” She shook her head, staring off into the distance before taking a big gulp of her drink.
“I guess he must have been a pretty bad guy…for you to snap on him like that. After seeing you with the kids, I know you wouldn’t have done that over nothing.”
She kept staring blankly for a moment before flashing a big smile—a façade over what she was really feeling. “Things aren’t always what they seem to people on the outside, I guess.”