the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

  The problem was Lani drove me crazy. The problem was that I had to watch what had been a warm, open, loving little girl now go through life totally detached from anything serious. I mean, sure she had a couple of close friends and her family loved her unreservedly. But, Lani loved from a distance, as though she was safe behind the castle walls and ready to shut the gates against the world at a moment’s notice.

  Maybe Brett and I should stop interfering with her love life then?

  Yeah, another problem; I wasn’t about to let her be with some arsehole. She was too damned trusting and hopeful.

  A contradiction? Yes.

  The problem with Lani was she wanted to love, she was just too damned scared or broken or some shit to really do it. She was a total mindfuck.

  More specifically, and slightly more pressing to current events, the problem was the fact that there was a dance studio in the basement and I wanted to go and blow off some steam, but Lani was just as likely to do that. Plus, dinner was only like half an hour away now anyway and, if I went down there, I’d get sucked into it and lose track of time.

  So, I had a shower.

  I had a shower and tried not to replay watching her flirt with that arsehole. Not that Lani had a very fiery brand of flirtation when it came to Luke Holt. But, the guy was an asshole. The fact he hadn’t cheated on Hannah – yet – was merely just a blip in his usual routine. But, if I told Lani what we all knew about Luke? Well, she’d believe it even less. Brett and I had thought if she saw we really didn’t like him for her, she’d get the hint. But, she just seemed more into him every damned day.

  I grunted in annoyance and got dressed. There was very little I could do about it, short of smashing the arsehole’s face in. And, somehow, I figured that would only garner more sympathy for him than understanding for me.

  I trudged downstairs and found everyone waiting for me around the dinner table; Mum, Dad, John, Georgie, Emma, and Lani.

  Hang on, one missing…

  “Where’s Brett?” I asked.

  Lani looked up quickly. “He’s not with you?”

  I looked around the table at the confused faces and shook my head. “No, I haven’t seen him since fifth lesson.”

  A dozen emotions flickered over Lani’s face as she looked at me, but no one else seemed to think anything of Brett’s absence.

  “He’s probably just gone out and forgotten to tell us. Sit down, Cas. Grab some wine, a beer?” John asked.

  “Uh, beer, thanks,” I answered, taking my place next to Lani.

  I picked up the bottle of wine near me and held it out to Lani with a question. She nodded while she talked to Emma and I poured them both a glass.

  “So, it’s not going well, then?” Emma laughed.

  Lani blinked like she’d forgotten what they were talking about. “Uh, no, not so much. But, you know me, I’ve never been any good at it.”

  Emma laughed. “You’re too hard on yourself. If you actually let someone touch you for more than three seconds, you could be amazing!”

  “Latin?” I asked as I ate, looking between her and my sister.

  Lani huffed. “Yes.”

  “You think Latin’s an issue? Try having your final piece due in a few months,” I scoffed.

  “Because it just always has to be about you,” Emma commented dryly, sharing a look with Lani.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, incredulously.

  “Only that we wouldn’t expect you to be any other way, Cas,” Lani remarked.

  She was acting nonchalant, but I saw she kept checking her phone under the table.

  “What’s up?” I asked her while Emma was pulled into conversation with the parents, leaning over to try to see her phone.

  “Who says anything’s up?” she replied, somewhat guiltily and pulling away.

  “Lei, there’s no point messaging him. If he wanted us to know where he was, he would have told us,” I said quietly.

  She glared at me as only Leilani Granger could. “You may have written him off, but I haven’t,” she hissed.

  “I haven’t written him off, I just know there’s no point worrying. He’ll be fine; he’s always fine.”

  We shared a look and I knew what she was thinking; no, Brett wasn’t always fine and he may well not be fine now. Still, he’d been better for months and there was zero point in worrying about it now, so all I could do was put her mind at ease.

  “Lei, he’s fine,” I said softly, giving her leg a supportive squeeze.

  She took a deep breath, even if her muscles tensed at the human contact. “Okay, he’s fine,” she repeated as though it would make it true.

  I knew she worried about him. But, she worried unnecessarily; thinking that every little thing was him falling off the bandwagon again. And, I mean, I didn’t see what was so great about the bandwagon, I’ll be honest. But, after Jonny, I knew she worried and I couldn’t blame her.

  Jonny’s death had broken something in all of us. But, it was visible, it was fixable, we were slowly healing. Whatever had broken in Lani was less visible, it was less fixable, and it wasn’t healing. Not in the least because fixing it would require letting someone in.

  “So, Casper,” John started, “tell us all about this final piece, then. What have you got so far?”

  I took a long sip of beer before I answered that one. “I have an idea for a partner and I think I’ve sorted the music…”

  Beside me, Lani only just managed to stifle a laugh and I nudged her. She nudged me back and I tried not to grin in the face of four displeased parents.

  “It’s due in months, Casper,” Mum said. “You need to get your butt into gear, young man. Maybe some help would be prudent?”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll think about it.” I picked up my beer again. “It’ll be fine Mum, don’t stress.” I gave her my most charming smile and conversation shifted.

  And, I managed to keep it off my piece for the rest of the evening.

  Lani disappeared almost as soon as we’d finished eating, then Emma trailed to her room to do some homework. Seeing no point in hanging out with the parents unnecessarily. Given it was a Tuesday and bugger all would be happening, I went for a wander to check on Lani.

  I found her down in the studio, lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling while Goo Goo Dolls ‘Iris’ washed around her.

  “Whatcha doing?” I asked.

  She raised her head enough to look at me, then lay it back down again. “You’re not the only one with pieces, you know.”

  “Miss Cami ask you to put something together for her?”

  She nodded. “Yeah.”

  “To this?”

  She shrugged and sat up. “I was feeling in the mood.”

  I held my hands out to her and she took them to let me help her up. “Lani, what’s going on? Is this about Holt?”

  She looked at me quickly as though I wasn’t supposed to know she liked him or something. Which was incredibly weird; how could she think I didn’t know? Or, was that not what that look had been about?

  “Look, I’m sorry I interfered…” I stopped as she looked at me sceptically. “Okay, no. I’m not sorry we don’t think he’s any good for you, and I’m not sorry I interfered. But, I am sorry I pissed you off.”

  She sighed and laid her head on my chest. “It’s fine, Cas. Well, no, it’s not fine, but… I know it’s only because you’re both testosterone driven jerks who have a misguided sense of protecting me.”

  “Oh, shucks, Lei. That’s the nicest thing you’ve said about me in years,” I said, wrapping my arms around her.

  She laughed and I felt a singular sense of pleasure knowing she was cheering up, even if she was less relaxed than I would have liked. But, she always was these days, especially if someone touched her. I held her at arm’s length and looked at her very seriously.

  “Now, if you don’t want me to make you dance again, you’re going to have to give me a cracker smile
,” I told her.

  She was fighting it, I could see. I loved the tug of war; she was constantly fighting my ability to make her smile, but I always won.

  “What is your obsession with dancing with me?”

  “Can’t go past an opportunity to cop a feel, Lei. You know me.” I winked.

  There it was, that smile. The one that reached those beautiful hazel eyes. Everything in me was driven to see that smile; I couldn’t bear it when she was unhappy. And, there was never a time I hadn’t returned it, even completely involuntarily.

  “Well, I don’t blame you. I do have a tremendous body,” she teased.

  I nodded. “Oh, you do, darling. But, you’re not going to distract me with it.”

  She grinned and spun away from me. “Is that so?” she asked, her hands above her head and swirling her hips in a very sexual way to ‘One More Night’.

  Jesus, if she was anyone else, I wouldn’t have still been on the other side of the room, I can tell you that. But, I was still in danger of needing a cold shower before I went to bed.

  I cleared my throat. “Yes. If you need to talk about something, Lei, I’m here.”

  She scoffed. “Yeah, because you’re a great talker.”

  “We talk all the time.”

  She dropped her hands, crossed her arms and raised a quizzical eyebrow. “What do we talk about?”

  I shrugged. “Everything.”

  “No, I chastise you about being a man-whore and you grumble that I’m frigid or judgmental. And, maybe I am. But, I want more out of life for you and Brett, Cas! I’m sorry, but I do! The fact the two of you seem totally content to just wander through life like absolute arseholes is a bane to my existence.”

  She went to leave, but I grabbed her arm. I knew she wasn’t actually pissed at me. Okay, she was pissed at me; she was pissed about my general existence, actually. But, this had more to do with her worry for Brett than it did her current annoyance with me. I pulled her into a hug, not caring she was trying to slip out of my arms.

  “Cas, I am not in the mood! Just let me fume, will you?”

  “Lei, I promise, he’s fine,” I said, kissing her hair before I reluctantly let her pull away, still remembering when a hug from me seemed to solve all her problems.

  “He’ll be fine when you two stop being epic wankers! It’s like the two of you are scared of love!”

  “Says you!” I shot back.

  “Yeah, because you two actually give me a chance at anything close. Seriously, the only guy deranged enough to not be scared off by you is Coop. But, even he’s not looking for a relationship.”

  “Well, what the hell is he looking for, Leilani?” I asked, hearing my voice drop dangerously low.

  “That, Casper Drake, is none of your damned business!”

  “It is my business if he’s trying to fuck you!”

  “What would it matter if he was? It’s not like you two give me any chance for it to happen,” she yelled.

  “Oh, I’m sorry we’re looking out for you!” I replied sarcastically.

  “It’s not looking out for me. It’s being bloody controlling. I was serious today, Casper. How would you like it if I ruined every chance you had with a decent guy?”

  I was tempted to quip I wouldn’t be hoping my chances were for a decent guy, but I skipped over that in favour of the anger building at her incessant belief that Luke was a decent guy.

  ”If we’re talking about Holt–”

  “Not just him. Any decent guy, from school or otherwise. You think I like being the girl who you go near and risk getting beaten up by a couple of hormonal thugs?”

  “Who are you calling hormonal thugs? We care, Lani, so sue us.”

  “Just keep out of my life, Drake. Okay?” she huffed and stormed out.

  I let out a deep breath, resting my hands on my head so I didn’t punch anything as I calmed the fuck down.

  It was always like that with her.

  See, she drove me fucking crazy.

  If we weren’t doing some weird flirtatious dance – and not even the literal kind here – we were at each other’s throats. We seriously couldn’t have one conversation anymore without some kind of fight. I wanted to say it was my fault, but she was just as stubborn as me.

  I let go a yell of frustration, turned on the music and tried to dance off some steam.

  e

  “Sorry, is he drunk?” Lani asked, looking at me incredulously.

  I should have been more concerned than I was. And, I probably would have been if I hadn’t helped Brett finish his flask. I shrugged and gave her a cheeky smile. “It takes a bit more than that to get us drunk, Lei.”

  She frowned fantastically and I was surprised thunder didn’t crash through the sky.

  “And, who was going to drive home?” she asked.

  Brett giggled. “You can do it.”

  Lani looked around the courtyard. Bec stood a way off, her arms folded and the expression on her face just as displeased as I knew Lani was. But, honestly, she could drive the car home, Brett didn’t have sports practice that night, I didn’t have dance; what was a few clandestine drinks at lunch…through the afternoon…and after school?

  Brett shoved my skateboard at me and swiped the flask back. I passed Jen to him, put my board down and made to step on it, but Lani stopped me.

  “If I’m driving, we’re going now,” she hissed, her face was in mine and I grinned at her.

  “Oh, come on Lei. Just give us a few!” I said, tracing the line of her jaw with my finger.

  As happened every time someone touched her these days, she visibly tensed and even my tipsy arse saw that something like panic in her eyes before she slapped my hand away.

  “We’re going now. Party’s over.”

  “Lani–”

  I jumped when she stuck her hand in my pocket and grabbed the keys. My smirk grew and I opened my mouth. But, she knew exactly where my mind had gone.

  “Don’t start with me, Drake,” she snapped, hitched her bag further up her shoulder and strode towards the parking lot.

  “Dude, ride’s leaving!” I yelled to Brett as I jumped on my board and trailed after Lani.

  I beat her to the car and waited for her with my most charming smile.

  “Did you stop to think…?” Lani whispered, then stopped. She shook her head and dropped into the car with a huff.

  I hopped into the front passenger seat. “Did I stop to think what?” I asked, feeling my buzz stammer to a halt.

  Lani hit the steering wheel with the heel of her hand and looked out the window to where Brett was taking his sweet arse time wandering to the car. Jen was keeping him fairly busy, true.

  “Nothing, Cas. Just, nothing.” She sighed and rubbed her forehead, then turned on the car and blasted the music.

  I watched her as she watched him, her fingers drumming impatiently. I could see the tension in her. She wasn’t even pretending she was drumming her fingers to the music. It was pure pent up energy to go right along with the thumb she tried not to chew. My gaze slipped to Brett and I wondered what she was thinking.

  I didn’t have to wonder long; I’d known her for her whole life and could practically read her mind. She was worried about Brett, she was worried he was heading down that dark path again. And, I can’t say I blamed her. The notion had flitted across my mind a couple of times that day since he’d first pulled the flask out of his bag; he hadn’t brought booze to school in a long time.

  “Lei, he’s–”

  “I’m fine, Cas,” she snapped too quickly.

  I reached a hand out to her leg and felt her tense again before she turned a sceptical eye on me, down at my hand, and back to my eyes.

  “I said, I’m fine…” she said pointedly.

  I sighed and removed my hand, sitting back moments before Brett finally swung his arse into the car. Lani barely waited for him to get his seatbelt on before she was pulling out of the parking lot.
/>
  I spent the trip home watching Lani sneak looks at Brett and her fingers drum on the steering wheel. Her left leg jiggled at traffic lights and her jaw clenched. I wanted so badly to hold her hand like I used to, to give her some kind of comfort. But, even when Bec hugged her now, she was awkward. This Lani was nothing like the one who’d fallen asleep against me on the couch watching a movie, or casually taken my hand, or touched my arm to get my attention.

  We were home in record time and my car was parked in our driveway with Lani halfway to her front door before my brain had registered it.

  Brett laughed. “Dude, what is with her?”

  I sighed. “Look, just not…” I got out of the car. “Lani!” I called after her, but she didn’t stop.

  “Ah, she’ll be all right, Cas,” Brett called wistfully. “Our Lani always is.”

  He wasn’t wrong, but still, “someone needs to check on her.”

  “She’ll just scream or throw something at you. You know she will. What happened to the two of you?” he seemed to ask himself.

  Wasn’t that the million dollar question, Eddie?

  “I don’t know, mate. But, I’m going to see if she’s okay. Try to sober up before you talk to your mum.”

  Brett laughed again. “She’ll be fine! Let her be in her grump, bloody high and mighty princess in her fucking tower, looking down on us because we want a bit of fun…”

  “Just go and have a fucking shower, mate, yeah?” I said more harshly than I’d intended and jogged after Lani.

  I knew where she’d be going. And, if I still knew Lani half as well as I thought I did, she wasn’t even going to bother to change.

  “There you are,” Georgie called as I walked in, accidentally throwing the front door open with a crash.

  “Lani all right, Cas?” Mum asked.

  I waved a hand at them as I passed and hurried to catch up to Lani.

  “Casper?” Mum called in her ‘come back here’ voice.

  I backed up and stuck my head in the doorway to look at them. As per usual on a Friday afternoon, our mums had a bottle of wine open and were pretending to play cards. I gave them what I hoped was a reassuring smile.