the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

  I frowned and nodded. “Yeah, fine.” I pulled myself out of my chair. “He’ll probably be back by the time we get home anyway. He usually is.”

  I watched Dad nod absent-mindedly. “I’m sure you’re right.” He pulled himself together and I wondered again how much more the adults knew than us; I hoped it was a lot. “‘Course you are. He’ll be home before you get back.

  Ten points to the house of your choice if you guessed Brett wasn’t home by the time we were back from dance. Lani and I had spent a fraught ninety minutes in which we didn’t even insult each other. Needless to say, I saw the concern on Cami’s face but shrugged it off.

  No one had got hold of him, no one we knew had seen him almost all day. The last place we knew for certain he’d been was getting out of the car at school before first lesson. Fat lot of good that did us.

  I lay on my bed with my music on, refusing to put a name to anything that was swirling around in my head. Every time I tried, I came back to Lani. I didn’t know why and I didn’t want to know why. So, I avoided it and just got more and more frustrated, in more ways than one.

  Finally, I decided I’d had enough. So, I pulled myself off the bed and thought a nice cold shower and a relaxing wank would do me some good, maybe take my mind off things.

  But, I hated cold showers, so I couldn’t not set the water to hot.

  And, every time I stroked it, I pictured Lani.

  “You are messed up, dude,” I muttered to myself as I just decided to let myself think about Lani; I’d learnt not to fight the fantasies, it usually went so much better.

  What wasn’t usual was someone opening the shower door and my fantasies becoming closer to reality.

  “Need a hand with that?” she asked and I blinked, so surprised I didn’t even let go; she was pulling off her dressing gown and dropping it on the floor, leaving her nightie clinging to her body.

  “Uh… Lei, what are you…?”

  I stopped as I saw the look in her eyes.

  Something in them struck something in me, reached a part of me I didn’t even know existed. Some part of me answered without me even realising I was doing it. Every single bit of tension rolled away as I looked at her; my heart slowed and I didn’t even realise it had been beating so fast; my breathing relaxed; my mind lost all its noisy static; I felt a warmth no shower was ever going to give me.

  “Hey,” I said slowly.

  “Hey.” She smiled and the smile I gave her in return was entirely unbidden.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  Her eyes scanned down for a moment. “You, by the looks of it.”

  “I was in the middle of sorting that. Anything I can do for you, Angel?”

  “I believe I asked you first.”

  “Is this the part where you beg me to kiss you and I stoically refrain?” I teased and her eyes lit up with laughter.

  “I doubt I’ll be the one begging.”

  I grinned and looked her over. “You’re very sure of yourself.”

  “If I’m wasting my time here, Cas, you just have to say…”

  I turned off the water and stepped out. She didn’t step back, rather met me chest to chest. I kept my eyes on hers as I grabbed a towel off the rack to my right. I flicked my hair and she grimaced with a smile as it splattered her.

  “We said that was the last time…” I said slowly, not actually sure if I was reminding her so we stuck to it or giving her a chance to back away before I kissed her again.

  She nodded slowly. “If that’s what you want, I’ll go.”

  That panic and fear were ready in the wings and I was shaking my head before I knew what I wanted; and what I wanted was for her to stay. I wanted to lose myself in her and, if possible, never come up for air. I’d used sex as a Band-Aid for my problems for years, but nothing compared to Lani. She wasn’t just a Band-Aid; she was glue, she was thread.

  Piece by fragile piece, she could put me back together, could make me whole again, if I let her.

  But, that wouldn’t be fair.

  Neither of us did this love thing.

  And, we couldn’t pretend we could.

  Let alone together.

  Because I had a feeling I’d forget, and I’d be left far more broken at the end.

  But, sex I could do. We could Band-Aid this shit together. As long as we both knew where we stood. As long as we both knew it was nothing more than a Band-Aid.

  I cupped her cheek and looked into eyes that held the barest hint of green. “I don’t want you to go. But, only if you want to stay…”

  She reached up and pushed my hair out of where it was dripping in my eye. “I’m not offering or asking for more…” she said carefully, as though she could read my mind.

  I nodded. “Me either.”

  “No emotions, Cas…”

  I held up my hands in defence. “What are emotions?”

  Her lip twitched, but she held back a smile. “I’m serious. None. There’s nothing more here.”

  “Angel, am I capable of more?”

  “I don’t think either of us are.”

  Knowing she believed that of herself was a punch to the gut, but didn’t make it any less true.

  “Then, we won’t have any problems will we?”

  Now, she nodded. “Okay, good. You shouldn’t be the only one allowed to have meaningless sex to ignore your problems.”

  I huffed a laugh. “Love, if it’s with me, you can have all the meaningless sex you like to ignore your problems.”

  A sinfully hot smile spread across her lips. “Then, what are you waiting for?”

  I grabbed her around the waist and nuzzled her neck, and she giggled. “What am I waiting for?”

  She giggled again and damn it felt good. “Uh huh. I’ve been standing here for like five minutes,” she said, wrapping her arms around my neck.

  I picked her up and coaxed her legs around my waist.

  “Cas! You’re still wet!”

  “Give me time, love, and I won’t be the only one,” I replied, carrying her out to my bedroom.

  Her eyes fucking shone, more green than brown dancing in those beautiful depths. “Who says you are right now?” God, she practically purred in my arms.

  “Who the hell are you?” I asked her, enjoying this side to Leilani Granger far more than I should.

  “Oh, Cas, I’m the girl who’s going to make you forget all your problems.”

  “Yeah, not if I make you forget yours first,” I muttered as I kissed her neck.

  There was that giggle again and her eyes were almost entirely green. I felt amazing, on top of the fucking world, like everything wasn’t going to be all shit and disaster. And all I wanted was to make sure she felt the same way.

  I lay her on the bed and kissed her hard. In hindsight, there was too much in it. But, I hadn’t been able to stop myself. I had no other way of showing her what she meant, what her support meant. If I’d tried to voice it, I’d probably have inadvertently called her a whore again or something equally as complimentary.

  So, I let myself get lost in the feel of her. I let myself forget Brett was missing and I’d decided to deal with that by sleeping with his little sister. I let myself forget that she had a cloud surrounding her and chose to focus on the way she laughed when I tickled her or pretended to bite her neck. I let myself forget that we were probably making a terrible mistake in favour of feeling the happiest I had in longer than I remembered. I let myself forget the rest of the world and let myself believe – for just a moment – that it was just Lani and me against the world. And, everything was perfect.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lani

  “So…” Bec started slowly and I looked to her in question. “How’s Casper?”

  “A bane to my existence as usual,” I answered shortly as we watched Ash, Trent and Nick attempt to amuse themselves while Brett and Casper were absent.

  “He’s actually bored,” Emma chimed in.
>
  “I was more referring to the hot sex, but good to know,” Bec said.

  “Hot sex?” Emma actually put her book down for a second.

  “Uh huh.” Bec was looking pointedly at me. “Please tell me you abandoned your morals and have had sex with him again!”

  Emma rolled her eyes and disappeared behind her book again while I glared at Bec, successfully hiding the fact that I’d had sex with him again only that morning before he’d let me get out of bed to go to school. Okay, saying ‘let me’ sounds awful… It’s not like I fought terribly hard…or, at all…

  Bec humphed. “Great. So, you lost Coop thanks to Brett. Luke is out for being a dickhead. Casper’s out because you have morals. Who does that leave?”

  “I thought you hated Cas as much as I did?”

  The slightest shade of guilt or surprise flickered across Bec’s face before she rolled her eyes. “Hate sex is better than no sex!”

  “Do I need to be having sex?” I asked.

  Bec scoffed. “Everyone needs to be having sex, Lani–”

  “Do they?” Emma asked from behind her pages.

  “Yes. If you’d done it, you’d know.”

  Emma gave me a disbelieving eye-brow raise over her book then went back to reading. I had to agree with Emma, personally; I’d done it and wasn’t convinced it was necessary. Unless you needed to repopulate Earth or something…

  “What about you and Marc then?” I asked, hoping to avert her attention from Casper.

  Bec shrugged. “I decided you were right. He was a twat and I cut him loose.”

  “I’m sorry, babes.”

  “Eh. He lost a bit of his appeal honestly. I wouldn’t recommend him.”

  “Right. So, who am I supposed to be sleeping with, then?” I asked.

  Bec sighed like it was a hardship. “I guess that leaves Trent.”

  I smiled. “Uh huh. I guess it does.”

  “You could sound a little more enthusiastic!”

  I leant back on my hands. “I wasn’t aware there was a more enthusiastic. He might not even like me, babes.”

  Emma scoffed, once again amazing me with her ability to read and focus on a conversation between Bec and me; I had enough trouble with focussing on a conversation with Bec. “He likes you.”

  “How would you know?” popped out of my mouth before my brain had caught up with me. “I mean, I love you, Em. But, you’re not exactly poster-child for gossip.”

  Emma’s eyes lifted to meet ours over her book and she looked unimpressed – no, not annoyed, more like she was surprised we were so dense or something. “Which makes me the perfect person to catch all the gossip. No one cares if I’m standing in the back of a room, they talk anyway–”

  “Way to sound super creepy, babes!” Bec shook her head with a rueful smile.

  “Regardless, word among the swimming girls is that Trent’s interested in Lani.”

  “Why do the swimming girls know?” I asked.

  Emma shrugged. “Jenny Travaskis is hooking up with Ash and overheard him on the phone to Trent telling him not to worry about Brett and Cas. Word is, his actual words were, ‘we’ve dealt with it in the past, you’ll be fine. If you like her, tell her’.” Emma looked at me closely. “What was Ash referring to, Lani…? Was it Nick?”

  I knew she was goading me, but I rolled my eyes. “Your brother knows.”

  Emma dropped her book in her lap and didn’t seem to care that she might have lost her place for once. “Sorry. Run that by me again?”

  I sighed. “Casper knows about Nick.”

  Bec sat forwards. “And Nick still has all his teeth? All his appendages?”

  I shrugged. “He promised he wouldn’t touch him.”

  “Then Trent will be fine! Cas approves of Trent way more than Nick anyway!” Bec seemed exceptionally pleased.

  “Yeah, one step at a time, Bex.”

  “Put your trust in me, my darling Lani, and you shall be ravaged by week’s end!” she said, dramatically and ominously.

  I sniggered and shook my head, catching Trent’s eye. He gave me a smile and I figured it didn’t hurt to return it.

  I mean, there was nothing else to it; Casper and I were just having sex.

  True, it was a little more than a once or twice in a lifetime lapse in judgement now. But, it was just sex between two people who otherwise hated each other but apparently couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

  Totally healthy.

  By Friday night, the only sign we had from Brett was a text to Dad that he wasn’t dead, so I met Casper out on the balcony instead of worrying about my brother. Casper finally got to try out sex in his weird swing chair and I got a bruised arse for my troubles when I fell out of it. But, we didn’t argue; we laughed and looked at the stars and it was nice and comfortable.

  Saturday was slightly more awkward as the family were around. Seems we all unconsciously decided to band together so Emma, Paddy and Betty came around as well. The parents were falsely upbeat and cracked the wine open at lunch. Emma was her usual self. And, Casper and I were trying not to sneak looks at each other because it only served to make one or both of us laugh.

  “I feel like switching to a red,” Paddy announced at one point. “What do you think?”

  I stood up quickly. “I’ll go look for one,” I offered before anyone could say anything else.

  “I’ll help,” Casper said.

  “Uh, okay. Thanks guys,” Paddy said slowly, like he was confused by our enthusiasm.

  And, I didn’t entirely blame him. But, oh well.

  I raced Casper down to the cellar. But, him and his stupidly long legs caught me. He’d pushed me against the end of the wine rack and was kissing me passionately before I had a hope of getting my breath back.

  His fingers trailed to the bottom of my skirt as his lips skimmed down my neck.

  “Cas, we can’t have sex in the basement…” I hissed, more out of breath than was necessary.

  “Why not?” he chuckled, sending a pleasant knot into my stomach.

  “Because someone might come down and see what’s taking us so long to get one bottle of wine…”

  He dropped his forehead to my shoulder dramatically. “Fine,” he sighed. “But, let the record state that I was willing.”

  “Your willingness has been noted and will be dealt with at an appropriate time,” I answered with a grin.

  He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck, making me giggle. “Good, thank you. I do like prompt service.”

  I slipped out of his grasp and went looking for a bottle. “I’ll give you prompt service, Mr Drake.”

  His hands dropped to my waist as he stood behind me while I looked at the wines. “I’m glad to hear it, Miss Granger.”

  He insisted on another kiss before we went back upstairs… Okay, fine, I insisted on one more kiss. But, I’d intended it to be quick, not the long drawn out, fiery, breathtaking thing he turned it into.

  We eventually went to our separate bedrooms, but it wasn’t long before he was in my room and we were falling into my bed. I fell asleep far too easily for the fact it was the third night my brother had been essentially missing. But, Casper had that effect on me; he was calming, he made me able to pretend for a little while that everything was okay and everyone I loved was safe.

  But, it didn’t last.

  At some point, we’d both woken up with obviously the same thing on our minds. While he was kissing me, his phone started buzzing on my nightstand. I looked over to it, but he brought my face back to him.

  “Leave it. It won’t be important,” he said.

  I grinned. “You mean it’ll be a booty call.”

  He tried to hide his smile, unsuccessfully. “No.” We both knew he was lying.

  “Who do you think it is?” I laughed.

  He closed his eyes for a moment. “Can we not play this game while I’m with you?”

  “That’s a
n almost sweet way of suggesting you don’t want to think about other girls while you’re balls deep inside me, Casper.”

  He opened his eyes and gave me the face that told me I was annoying. “What if I don’t?” He thrust once, his lips falling to my neck. “What if I all I want to think about is you – is us – right now? Can we not–” He sighed as his phone started ringing again.

  I bit my lip against a smile as we looked at each other. I reached over and grabbed it.

  “Bets?”

  He rolled his eyes. “No,” he said sullenly.

  “I think it’s…” My laughter died on my lips as I looked at the name. I looked up at Casper in surprise.

  “What?” he asked, obviously waiting for a lecture about whoever he thought it was.

  I flipped the phone. “It’s Brett…”

  Casper grabbed his phone from me and answered it, “Brett?” as he pulled out of me and rolled to sitting.

  “Well, that could have been far more awkward…” I muttered sarcastically, sitting up and leaning my chin on Casper’s shoulder.

  “Yeah, no. I’m here, mate,” he was saying. He was tense and his voice was strained, as much as he tried to hide it. Suddenly he stood up and I caught myself before I nose-planted off the bed. “No, rare night at home tonight… ‘Course, I’ll be there… Yeah, soon as, man…” Now, he just sounded like he was trying to hide how annoyed he was at my older brother. He chuckled, but I could see how stony his profile was. “Nah, Granger, our secret. I swear.” He laughed again as he picked up his jeans. “Phoebe was busy, mate… Yeah, and Imogen… Megan, too… Yep, all of them.” He scoffed. “Nah, I’m culling my list.” He threw me a weirdly pointed look at that and I cocked my head. His eyes told me he did – but also didn’t – want to talk about it. “Keeping them on too long, dude. It’s getting messy. Look, you want me there? The earlier I leave, the sooner I’ll get there… You, too, you wanker. See you soon.” He hung up and pulled on his jeans.

  “He’s safe?”

  Casper grimaced. “Safe isn’t the word…” He sighed heavily. “He could be safer, but he could be worse off. He wants me to go meet him–”