the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “I’ll come, too!”

  He pulled on his shirt, bending down quickly to kiss my head. “If it’s not that safe for me or Brett, what do you think it’ll be like for you? No, love. You stay here. I’ll get him home ASAP, okay?”

  I nodded, knowing he was right, really. But, all my worry, all my panic about my brother was returning. But, when it came to Brett, I had to trust Casper. And, Brett had at least called.

  “Stop worrying, I can feel it from here,” he whispered as he bent down and kissed me quickly. “Try to get some sleep.”

  “Sleep? You want me to–”

  “I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise.”

  I frowned at him. “What if I wake up five minutes after I fall asleep?”

  He grinned, but I could see he was trying to supress it. “I will be here when you wake up. I promise.”

  “You promise?”

  “Do you trust me, Angel?”

  I looked at him and everything in me screamed yes. Everything but that tiny, infectious piece of my heart that told me trusting anyone was the stupidest plan in the whole world. But, I had to trust someone to do what I couldn’t right now.

  I nodded. “Yes, Cas.”

  We stared into each other’s eyes for a second, a thousand things passing unsaid; most of which I ignored or that tiny, angry piece of my heart was going to get louder. He gave me one last quick kiss, then hurried out.

  e

  To his credit, Casper had been there right beside me when I’d woken up again. It had taken me a while to fall asleep, but he’d been there when I’d rolled over at about half past six in the morning and looked for the clock. He’d been staring at the ceiling and wouldn’t talk to me, but he’d pulled me close and that had taken a little bit of the edge off whatever awful thing I guessed was going on.

  Not that anyone was going to talk about it.

  Because, as per usual, both families were back to tiptoeing around each other and pretending that nothing had happened. We were just supposed to pretend that Brett hadn’t disappeared for three days and that everyone was getting along famously.

  No one at school asked questions. Of course they didn’t. Brett missing school was nothing new. I never knew how much Emma did or didn’t know, but she kept everything close to her chest these days, anyway.

  I distracted myself with being rude to Casper and smiling a little more flirtatiously with Trent.

  Casper and I had gone back to our old banter. Actually, even that wasn’t true. It was even lighter than before; there was more laughter and less barbs between us. That’s not to say we didn’t still fight. But, we plenty made up for it most nights after he made sure Brett was asleep in his own bed and wasn’t going anywhere for the night.

  The last week of Term Three was spent in semi-blissful denial.

  I kept up my practice with the newly single Luke and we got the highest mark in the class on our Latin assignment. I refrained from any flirtations he may have been trying on me; I couldn’t tell if it was bluster after the previous week’s debacle or whether he was genuinely trying something on even despite the previous week’s debacle. But, regardless, I felt nothing more about it than I wondered what I’d seen in him.

  My efforts were now on keeping Trent in mind. I didn’t dislike him by any stretch of the imagination. But, after the reveal, I had no idea if he was expecting a date or just a hook up. I didn’t know if I was capable of a date, or if I liked him enough for one… Still, what was a little light flirting? It wasn’t like we hadn’t flirted before.

  Casper, as usual, had girls hanging off him at school; Autumn, Imogen, Jen, Hannah again now she and Luke were over, and even this new Megan girl. He wore that mask while he was with them, but I saw something in his eyes as we passed in the corridor that suggested he was uncomfortable about something. I couldn’t for the life of me work out what it was, and I was too busy keeping an eye on Brett.

  The week seemed to fly by.

  Brett thankfully went to school, but he barely spoke to anyone and wore this snide smile like he found us all unworthy of his time. He drank a lot and even Casper had trouble keeping the flask off him during school hours. Needless to say, by Friday I was tense, I was the automatic designated driver, and the only thing that got me through was Casper at the end of every day, whether we had sex or not.

  “Lovely, Lani,” Trent said as he sidled up to my locker at Friday Recess. “How are we today?”

  I gave him a smile, but it felt tired. “Fine, Trent. How are you?”

  He looked me up and down, and I was sure he didn’t believe me. But, he didn’t call me out. “Good, good. Got much planned for the holidays?”

  I sighed as I thought about it. “Not really. Cas and I have to go through the piece with Nat so it’s ready for the showcase. I was planning on having a quiet one.”

  He grinned adorably. “Sweet.”

  “I imagine you’ve got something like seven months of dodged homework to catch up on before SWOTVAC?” I teased.

  “Oh, Lei,” he chuckled. “You know me so well.”

  I shrugged as I closed my locker with a wry smile. “Well, I’ve only known you most of my life, Trent. It’d be a worry if I went around thinking you had a clear pass through exams. I’d be happier and less stressed, but an idiot.”

  He scoffed. “Oh, damn! Don’t tell me I stress you?”

  I gave him my best flirty smirk. “Of course you do. The idea I might have to put up with the lot of you next year is terrifying.”

  He threw his head back and gave me a hearty laugh that made my insides warm; I hadn’t heard that much pure happiness from someone I liked in a long time. “Ah, Lei. Look, I’ll do my best not to fail then. I couldn’t possibly cramp your style by repeating.”

  “I appreciate that, Trent.”

  He put his arm around me companionably as we walked down the corridor.

  “I can’t believe you don’t want to hang out with me next year,” he said suddenly and I laughed.

  “Why on earth would I want to hang out with you?” I asked.

  He sniffed like he was highly offended, but the humour in his eyes belied it. “I don’t know. But, I was kind of hoping you might. There anything I can do to persuade you?”

  Was this the moment? The one where he asked me out? Or, did we do a hook up thing first and see where it led? Did I want any of that?

  “I don’t know, Mr Wilshaw,” I responded slowly. “Depends what sort of influence you were planning on being.”

  “Oh, a good one, obviously. Young and impressionable lass that you are.” He did a good job of sounding serious, but I giggled.

  “Yeah, you’re a paragon of good influences.”

  “I could be.”

  “You could. Maybe. But, you won’t.”

  “That’s a no on the hanging out with me if I have to repeat then?” he asked, his eyes shining.

  I gave him a slow smile. “Trent, you can hang out with me anytime.”

  Something passed over his face and I wondered what he was thinking. I got the impression maybe he was interested, but my stronger impression was that he wasn’t going to do anything about it and he knew we both knew it. I didn’t know why, but it didn’t stop us being horrifically flirty for the rest of the day. It was almost like, with no expectations hovering over us, we felt safe being ridiculous.

  I threw flirtatious, insulting comments at him as we passed in the corridors.

  At lunch when I picked up their soccer ball, he dropped to his knees in front of me and begged for it back totally dramatically. So, what did I do? I stuck my tongue out at him and threw it to Nick.

  Trent gave me a wicked grin and I had a feeling I knew what was coming as he stood up slowly.

  “Oh, you’re in for it now, Lei…” he said slowly.

  I squealed – embarrassing, I know – and made a run for it. I didn’t get far before he’d picked me up around the waist and made to swing me around. B
ut, we both over-balanced and went down in a tangle or laughter and limbs.

  “Oh, you right?” he asked with a wheezy laugh; he’d taken most of the hit, cushioning me against the ground.

  “I’m fine.” I’d tried to sound chipper and flippant, but I was a little more winded than I’d expected.

  We fell to laughing again as Bec came over to haul me off him. She looked at me with an expectant gaze, but I surreptitiously shook my head at her.

  “Why not?” she hissed at me as Trent pulled himself off the ground.

  I was distracted as Trent cupped my cheek and looked at me. “You sure you’re all right?”

  I nodded. “I’m good, thanks.”

  “Sorry, Lei. Complete accident.”

  “You think that’s the first time I’ve fallen over?” I scoffed and he grinned.

  “Yeah, fair point.” He’d witnessed a fair amount of the times I’d fallen that weren’t dance related.

  “Trent, stop hitting on my sister and get back here!” Brett yelled. I couldn’t tell if he was pissed off or teasing.

  Something in Trent’s eyes darkened for a second, then he smiled. “Later, Lei.”

  “Later.”

  Bec elbowed me as he jogged off and I elbowed her back unnecessarily harder.

  “Why not?” she asked again.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know how to explain it. I think he’s interested, but he’s not going to do anything about it.”

  “How do you know?”

  I shrugged again and elbowed her for good measure. “You know when you just know?”

  She sighed dramatically. “So much for trusting me.”

  I snorted. “Not everyone needs to be having sex, Bex. We’ve been through this.”

  “Someone needs to. And, it’s currently not me.”

  “Why don’t you have a go at Em? Surely it’s time she pops her cherry?”

  Bec was oddly silent and, when I looked at her, she gave me an exasperated face.

  “Yeah, okay. We’re not going to stress Em,” I admitted and Bec nodded perfunctorily.

  “No, we’re not.”

  “Let her do her.”

  “Exactly.” She was silent for a moment as we watched the boys yell at each other. “How’s Brett?” she asked after a while.

  I shook my head. “I don’t really know.”

  “Does he–”

  She was cut off as we both winced Trent and Casper crashed into each other. It had looked like a total accident – those boys weren’t exactly known for their total fair play at lunch. But, as they picked themselves off the ground, Casper pushed Trent and their griping got louder.

  “…watch where you’re fucking going!” Casper yelled. “That’s yellow shit right there.”

  “It wasn’t that bad!” Brett called to him.

  “You stay out of it, mate,” Casper warned him.

  Trent said something, his arms raised in defence. But, Casper looked pissed. I saw his gaze slide to me for a split second as he replied. Trent shook his head and pointed to the ball, then back to goals. Casper’s frown deepened and he pushed Trent again. Who wasn’t going to take Casper’s bullshit – and, good on him, too.

  Trent took a swing at Casper and I sighed.

  “Cas is very punch-happy at the moment,” Bec observed dryly. “I mean, he’s always had a short fuse. Let’s not pretend he’s Coop. But… I dunno. Lately, it’s like he’s looking for any fight.”

  I sighed and crossed my arms. “Yeah, I’ve noticed that, too.”

  “Anything to do with…?”

  We both knew she meant Brett.

  I shrugged. “I assume so.”

  “And, the fact he’s hitting any guy who goes near you is…”

  “Total coincidence.”

  “Uh huh.” She didn’t sound convinced.

  “Uh huh?” I repeated sarcastically. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  Bec sniggered and I gave her one more elbow. “Well, he just seems particularly keen on beating up the males who enter his territory lately.”

  “A, I am not Casper Drake’s territory. And, B, he’s probably just picking up the slack Brett’s dropped recently.”

  “Or, it took fucking you to realise he’s completely in love with you and he’s jealous.”

  I pulled my eyes away from Casper and Trent’s fight to glare at Bec. We looked at each other for a moment, and my heart hammered by the possibility of what she was saying. But, I knew it was total bullshit.

  “Casper is far too conceited to think about anyone else long enough to know what jealousy is. He’s not in love with me.”

  Bec snorted and looked back to the boys. “Are you sure?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes, Bex. Casper’s in love with me,” I answered sarcastically.

  She pointed to nothing. “I just saw a pig fly past.”

  “I hear Lucifer’s going ice skating tonight.”

  We both snorted and descended into a fit of giggles.

  “Casper is about as capable of emotions as you,” I said as we watched Brett finally pull Casper off Trent.

  “You, maybe,” she giggled with a playful nudge of her elbow.

  I laughed and smiled, but wasn’t that part of the problem?

  I wasn’t opposed to love, I just couldn’t bring myself to open up to that kind of pain again. I didn’t want to be that way, but there was very little I could do about it. Still, it felt good to sort of have Casper back again. It was likely to all implode at some point. But, until then, I didn’t have to be quite so alone.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Casper

  Natalie came over for about an hour or two every couple of days over the holidays. Between her and Lani, those times went quickly with an awful lot of laughter. But, we worked too, and Natalie was easy to teach; she had the routine down after the first week and we had it polished and perfect by the second.

  But, that wasn’t the thing that stuck in my head about those holidays, if I’m totally honest. It was Brett. Of course it was Brett.

  When we weren’t dancing or in bed, Lani only got more and more tense.

  Brett was the most withdrawn I’d seen him in years.

  We still hung out; playing games or going out. He still smiled and made jokes, but it was like there was nothing inside anymore. His brown eyes were flat, dead, and his laugh was stilted at the best of times. His mind wandered and I don’t think he was ever sober.

  I spent less time with Lani than I would have liked because I was Brett-wrangling. But, she knew one of us had to and she didn’t have the physical strength.

  I became incredible at pretending to be paralytic so someone was always there to get him home or – God forbid – the hospital again.

  One night, I was shoving Brett in the car, trying to work out if he’d make it home or if he was going to need his stomach pumped again, when he threw up all over the sidewalk. Thankfully, none of it got in the car – or I would have had words with him in the morning regardless of the hangover.

  “Well, that should have done it…” I muttered as I waited to see if there was any more to bring up.

  After a few minutes of Brett swaying as he leant against the car, a ridiculous drunk-smile plastered to his face, I figured it was safe. He was incredibly unhelpful as I tried to bend his stupid lanky frame into the car, giggling and going on about some girl he’d hooked up with.

  “She was amazing man. You should go find her!” he chuckled.

  Honestly, when he was plastered was the only time he sounded remotely happy. But, then you’d look at him and see that dead nothingness in his eyes and you’d remember that ignorance might be bliss, but it’s no way to live.

  “I’ll bet, dude,” I chortled, glad he couldn’t tell that my face totally belied my tone.

  “Nah, man. The way she used her mouth. She–”

  “I think she left, mate,” I said quickly. There was only one mouth on my mind
and I wanted to get back to it, even if all she did was chastise me or yell at me. “Party’s pretty broken up.”

  “Oh!” he grumbled, then brightened. “We can go to the Stag!”

  I nodded as he finally fell into the passenger seat. “Yeah, ‘course, man. Let’s do that!” Pretending to be totally enthusiastic, I buckled him in.

  “D’ya think that bartender will be on tonight?” Brett asked as I climbed into the driver’s seat.

  “The redhead?” I asked, pulling away from the curb in the opposite direction to the Stag.

  “Is she a redhead?” he mused, then chuckled and turned the music up loud, singing along drunkenly.

  As I’d predicted, by the time we got home his high had crashed and he’d forgotten all about going to the Stag.

  Holding him up with one arm, I got him inside and got the door closed without making too much noise.

  “Hey,” I heard Georgie’s voice.

  I looked up and saw her hovering in the doorway to their end of the house.

  “Sorry if we woke you…” I said, my voice hushed so I didn’t wake John.

  She shook her head. “I was just going to the bathroom. He okay?”

  I nodded, then shrugged. “As okay as I could keep him.” My tone was apologetic; there was nothing else I could have done, but I was sorry for it.

  She nodded as well. “Thanks, Cas. I appreciate it.”

  “Any time, you know that.”

  Georgie looked like there was more she wanted to say. But, she just stepped towards me, kissed my cheek, patted a totally oblivious Brett, and went back to bed.

  “Mate, you are seriously pissing me off with this bullshit,” I muttered as I helped him up the stairs, but he was barely conscious now.

  “What?” he mumbled.

  “This bullshit routine,” I answered, knowing he wouldn’t remember. “The parents are worried sick, and that’s nothing on what you’re doing to your sister, mate. Your own fucking sister. You should see her. Tense and angry, always on the lookout for trouble. Seriously, dude. If you make me tell her you offed yourself, I’ll bring you back to life and kill you again myself. Living that once damn near broke me, you think I can handle that again?” I grumbled as I guided him to his room.