the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “I’m not a fucking mind-reader, Casper,” I snapped, wondering when I’d started swearing so often. I blamed him.

  He growled in frustration and turned around, his hands laced on top of his head.

  “What is this? What are we now?” I pressed.

  “Why don’t you tell me! You were the one who maintained this was just sex and now, what? You’re telling me it never was? What did you think this was if it wasn’t just sex, Lei?”

  I wanted to throttle him. Why did he have to make things so hard?

  I couldn’t remember the last time we’d actually had a proper conversation, an actual back and forth where we were both just honest and said what we meant instead of aiming to be as insulting or flirtatious or annoying as possible. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been honest with anyone, let alone myself. All I knew was that it had been before Jonny had killed himself.

  God, nothing had been the same since that day. None of us had been the same since that day. A part of me had died with Jonny and the rest of me had lived behind a dark wall of my own making, trying to hold up the people I loved from the furthest distance possible. Trying to protect my heart in case I failed again. And, I’d successfully kept everyone at arm’s length.

  All, but one.

  Despite all that, Casper had got through.

  I’d hated him more than I’d liked him, but at least I’d felt alive.

  And I realised in that moment, I’d only hidden behind hate.

  Because, that is the trouble with hate…

  The trouble with hate is it’s easier.

  The trouble with hate is it’s safer.

  The trouble with hate is it’s often not hate at all.

  As he waited for my answer, it came to me; I didn’t hate Casper Drake. I’d never hated Casper Drake. I loved him. Deeply. Irrevocably. Unconditionally. I’d always loved him. Only now, I didn’t just love him; I was in love with him. I’d fallen in love with the only guy who’d actually always been there for me, even when neither of us had realised it. Despite everything about him infuriating me for three years, I was in love with him.

  If I wanted to break a four-year cycle of pain and hurt and that dead inside feeling, I was going to have to be honest. I couldn’t talk in circles, or expect he understood my meaning even when I was purposefully being cryptic because he was just supposed to know me.

  The idea of open honesty now was scarier than the thought of finding myself alone and I wasn’t sure I could do it.

  But, I wanted to live again. And, I was going to take a chance on the one person who had helped me find myself, the one person who’d reminded me what happiness felt like since Jonny’s loss. I didn’t expect him to feel the same, I didn’t expect him to know how to feel that way anymore, and that wasn’t his fault. But, I owed it to both of us to tell him the truth, to tell myself the truth.

  I took a deep, wavering breath. “I didn’t know…” My voice was unsteady and I was close to tears. But, I took a deep breath, knowing I had to keep going. For me as much as for him.

  “You didn’t know what?” he asked before I could continue.

  I took another breath and hoped that whatever came out made sense. “I didn’t know how to be with you – be around you – anymore. I didn’t even realise I needed someone. I didn’t even realise how lost – how dead – I was inside. I thought I was fine. I thought I was coping with everything better than everyone else. I was the rock, I had to be okay. The Grangers and the Drakes looked to me to hold it together. But, I wasn’t holding it together. I was just as frayed and broken as Brett, as…Jonny…” My voice hitched but I held up a hand to stop him interrupting.

  “That night… I shouldn’t have found the comfort I did with you, Cas. But, it was the most honest, real, happiest feeling I’d had in longer than I could remember even if I didn’t fully understand that at the time. The whole idea was wrong. Our families lived in each other’s pockets and it could only end badly. But, I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know how to talk to you, but when I was with you… We were communicating again, we weren’t fighting. As wanky as that sounds. Everything was right again and I could forget our baggage for a while and just be happy–”

  “Happy?” he spat. “You’re the one who kept telling me it was just physical, who kept telling me to shut off my emotions.”

  “I had to!” I yelled, then got some control over myself. “How the hell was I going to deny mine if I thought I was seeing something in you that would never be there?” I said more quietly.

  God, it was all too hard. I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t bare my soul and have it trampled again. I’d thought I was strong enough, but I felt more fragile than ever. I scrunched my eyes closed tight and felt the first tear slid down my cheek.

  “What does that mean?” he asked. He sounded hesitant, like he thought he’d frighten me off if he pushed too hard. “The only emotion you’ve had for me in years is hate, Lani, and let’s not pretend otherwise.”

  As I opened my eyes, I looked up in the hopes that would stem the tears.

  “I never hated you, Casper…” I whispered.

  “What?” He sounded confused and disbelieving.

  Was I strong enough to do it? Was I strong enough to put it all out there, knowing he would never be that guy? Was I strong enough to be honest to myself even if it destroyed me again? I opened my mouth and decided to find out.

  “I never hated you.” I looked down and found his eyes. “Hating you was easier than facing the truth and having my heart broken again.”

  He blinked, utterly confused. I can’t say I blame him; this being honest thing was hard. My heart pounded and my hands felt clammy. As I spoke, I discovered things about myself that I’d been refusing to acknowledge.

  “When we lost Jonny, loving hurt. I thought I could love you all from a distance and it would hurt less. And, it did. It hurt less when your dad got sick, it hurt less when Emma pulled away, it hurt less when Brett tried to destroy himself, and it hurt less when you joined him. But, I couldn’t love you from a distance, Cas.” My voice broke, but I pushed on. “I couldn’t love you from a distance, so I hated you, hated everything you stood for, everything you did. I tried to push you away, hoping that one day it would be real. So, when the inevitable came and I lost you entirely, it wouldn’t hurt again…” I couldn’t go on, tears ran down my face; I hadn’t felt this naked since I’d burst into Casper’s room at thirteen and bawled my eyes out in his arms on the floor.

  “Lani, you were never going to lose me…” he said, taking a step forward, but then he stopped like it had been involuntary. “I will always be there for you. Brett and I talk a big game, but you and Emma will always be our number one girls…”

  I chuckled self-depreciatingly. Because what else could I do as I stood in front of my first love – a man incapable of love – tears streaming down my face for a future we could never have, for the people we could have been if Jonny hadn’t left us all broken in his wake. I felt like I’d lost something I’d never realised I’d had and never realised I’d wanted.

  “I’m sorry, Cas. It doesn’t matter. We’re not those people and I’m okay with that,” or, I would be once I’d processed it and moved on. “Just… You deserved the truth. We both deserved the truth.”

  “What? Lani, I don’t…”

  I shook my head and turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. His lips found mine and I was sure I felt wetness on his cheek against mine. He kissed me like he always did; Casper Drake had never done anything by half in all the years I’d known him. By habit, my stomach plummeted and my heart soared, until I remembered I was an idiot for letting myself fall in love with a guy who didn’t do love.

  But, then, I’d thought I didn’t do love, either.

  I guess women are weaker than men that way after all…

  I pulled away from him slowly, my hands on his chest.

  “Angel…” he whispered and I couldn�
�t stop myself before I’d looked into his eyes. But, what I saw there had me looking at his chest again, because it was easier. “Angel, don’t do this.”

  “Don’t do what?” I asked.

  “Don’t leave me, too…” Now his voice broke, and he swallowed hard.

  “Cas, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always just be right next door, just over the balcony. I just don’t think we should…do this anymore. It’s not…” I sighed. “I told you that first time it wasn’t healthy for us. We’re not suitable to be with other people, how the hell did we think us having sex was going to work? I’ll always love you, Cas, but…”

  “You’re not in love with me…” he said so softly I was sure I imagined it. I didn’t process it right away. I’d heard the words, but my brain didn’t realise what they’d been until he’d sighed and kept talking. “You’re right, ‘course you are. You always are.”

  He bundled me up in his arms, gave me a curt hug and pulled away entirely. He rubbed the back of his head almost like he was embarrassed or uneasy. But, Casper was never embarrassed or uneasy.

  “We don’t do love, do we, Lei?” he huffed and I wasn’t sure if it was bluster or just complete nonchalance. “Right. I’ll, uh, see you later, then.” He nodded once, made to walk out the balcony, then turned and headed towards Brett’s room.

  I blinked, not sure what had just happened.

  Well, one thing was clear. I was completely in love with Casper Drake and there was no way he would ever love me back.

  e

  I thought I’d been broken after Jonny had died. But, at least I’d had Casper then.

  Now, I had no one, and no one to blame but myself. I’d either pushed everyone away or ruined everything. I’d been selfish and cowardly and it left me with nothing.

  If Bec noticed anything, she kept it to herself.

  Casper and I went back to screaming at each other.

  Brett… Well, I didn’t know if it was possible for him to get any worse than he already was. But, if it was, he did.

  My world was spiralling; I couldn’t see anything through the storm clouds and everything hurt. There was a huge pit of heavy emptiness where my heart was supposed to live and I could barely breathe from the weight of it.

  But, I went on.

  “Darling, have you seen my taupe scarf?” Mum called.

  I lay my head back on the couch and thought. “Uh, not recently. Last I saw, you had it for the Robinsons’ party,” I called back.

  “Oh, it’ll be in the…” Mum said, her voice tapering off as she went to wherever she thought it was.

  I went back to my book.

  Eventually, she headed back, threading an earring through her ear. “Are you really wearing that?” she asked me.

  I looked down at my tracksuit pants and hoody. “I’ll have to put on my costumes anyway. What’s the point of dressing up?”

  Mum sighed. “We were hoping to go out for dessert and a bit of a drink after. Can you at least take something to change into?”

  “Why are we going out?”

  “It’s Casper’s last school showcase, sweetie,” Mum tittered.

  I loved how – no matter how much Casper and I screamed at each other – our parents pretended nothing had changed since I was twelve; that Casper and I were still adorable little children who occasionally didn’t get along.

  “I’m sure he’s got plans.”

  Mum made an affirmative sound. “He does. He asked if we could go to Chianti, so I’ve booked for the eight of us.”

  I dropped my book and looked at her. Chianti was my favourite restaurant.

  “Cas picked Chianti?” I asked.

  Mum made that affirmative sound again. “Yep. Said he hadn’t been in ages and wanted their affogato.”

  I frowned. Casper didn’t like their affogato; I liked their affogato.

  “Did that not seem weird to you?”

  Mum shrugged as she primped in the hall mirror. “Not really, Cas has always liked Chianti. I thought it was weird when you were younger. But, then you two are so similar, like the same things.” She threw me a proud smile and swanned away, calling for my dad.

  I pondered over that fact as I begrudgingly got something nice to change into after and we drove to school, while Brett sat in stony silence beside me, and Mum and Dad did their best to sound upbeat and excited.

  Honestly, I could think of nothing worse than having to go to the stupid school showcase. It was a thing the school did every year, much like our extra-curricular dance school’s end of year concert. Each year level had something in it, with the Year Twelves dominating. Which, you know, was fair given whatever they did was for their final grade and all.

  I quite possibly would have cared more, but I wasn’t sure I was even going to keep up dance for Year Twelve. What was the point anymore? Discussing my lack of desire with the parents was going to be another thing altogether, though. Which is what my brain had moved onto pondering as we pulled into the school carpark and I pulled myself out of the car as Casper got out of Paddy’s car next to me.

  “Hey,” he said with a solemn nod.

  “Hi,” I answered.

  Because we hadn’t just seen each other for most of the day in rehearsals or anything.

  “Ready?”

  I shrugged. “Makes little difference if I am. You?”

  He nodded and ran his hand through his hair. “I think so. Nat and I did pretty well this afternoon, so I think it’ll go well.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s a solid routine.”

  “I haven’t forgotten who I owe it to,” he said sharply.

  I crossed my arms. “That’s not what I meant, Cas. You put just as much work into it as me.”

  His gaze softened, but I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted the whole thing to be over.

  “I’ll see you guys after,” I called to the parents, Brett and Emma, and hurried towards the Arts Centre.

  “Lani!” Casper called.

  I thought about slowing, but I knew his stupid long legs would catch up no problem. He fell into step with me as I headed for the side door that led down to the Back of House – dressing rooms, green room, and such.

  “I, uh…know we’re a little awkward right now, but I wanted to thank you for your help with the piece…”

  I shrugged as I pulled the door open and nodded to Miss Lyons, who was wandering around in her usual state of excitement. “It’s all good, Cas. Glad I could help.”

  And, despite everything that had happened between us, I was. Just because everything had gone to shit between us didn’t mean I didn’t still have a deep, ingrained love for him or wouldn’t do almost anything I could to help him; we’d known each other far too long for that. I just had to get over this hurdle and everything would be back to normal again.

  “Nah, I know. I mean… It really does mean a lot and I think it’s an amazing piece. Cami would be really impressed with it.”

  I nodded shortly as we headed down to the dressing rooms. “Yeah, maybe. Look, Cas, break a leg and all, but I’ve got to get ready, yeah?”

  “Uh, yeah, sure. You too.”

  I have him another curt nod as I pushed into the Year Eleven dressing room.

  “Hey, Lei!” voices called and I smiled at them as pleasantly as I always did.

  People might not have disliked me or really liked me, but they were – for the most part – polite to me. And, I figured it cost me very little to be polite to them.

  As I set up my mirror, Luke appeared at my side, practically bouncing on his toes. “You ready?” he asked, grinning.

  And, it was the type of grin that in a situation like this would usually have been infectious. Most concerts, I walked in, smelled the hairspray, heard people clinking along in their taps, and the excitement would start to bubble. But, it felt like years since I’d really been excited about a concert and I was too bone weary to give a damn anymore. Though, I hid it well. I plastered on a sm
ile and made sure I looked far more excited than just going through the motions; because it was easier and people would ask less questions.

  I dropped into my chair and started unpacking my bag. “I’m super ready. How about you?”

  He nodded. “Yep, pumped.”

  We’d got over the whatever awkwardness we’d had. I couldn’t say we were friends, or ever going to be. But, we were good dance partners and there was little sense in throwing that away for something as stupid as a misguided crush.

  “Sweet. What’s the time?”

  He looked around for the clock while I slathered on makeup. “Uh, last time call should be coming in soon. It’s about quarter past seven.”

  I nodded. “There was a wardrobe malfunction at home. Miss Lyons didn’t freak?”

  He shook his head. “Nah, she knows you and Drake well enough not to worry.”

  I gave him a quick smile. “Okay, I’ll see you out there.”

  “Will do, partner.”

  He meandered off and I finished getting ready; makeup, hair, found my first costume and made sure the others were all set.

  After a group piece by the Year Twelves, Luke and I had our first piece; the Latin we did for our assignment. It went well. Years of forcing a smile on the stage put me in great stead and I was sure I looked like I was having a marvellous time. Luke and I finished to thunderous applause and ran off the stage where I saw Casper waiting in the wings.

  “That was great, Angel,” he said softly.

  I nodded. “Yeah, well, I had some good help. So, thanks.”

  “Yeah, thanks, man,” Luke gave him an excited hiss.

  Casper barely spared a glance for Luke, nodded at me and walked away.

  “I’d be stressed tonight too, if I was him,” Luke was saying as we headed for the dressing rooms.

  “What?” I asked, looking back at him suddenly and walking into the doorframe. “Ow.”