the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “You okay?”

  I nodded and rubbed my face. “Yeah. What were you saying?”

  “Just, I’m not surprised Drake seems tense; this time next year it’ll be us and I know I’ll be freaking out. Sixty percent of his final grade, Lani! Damn!” He walked away shaking his head and I sighed.

  Trust me to lose sight of the important things.

  It just went to show I was being selfish again.

  Here it was, quite possibly one of the biggest nights of Casper’s life to date and I was being petty and stupid because I’d been stupid enough to fall in love with him when I should have known better.

  I rushed through my next change, hoping I could get to him before our next call.

  “Oh, Lani!” Caitlyn called as I hurried past and I popped my head into the Year Nine’s dressing room.

  “What’s up?”

  “That last bit in the tap…”

  “Yeah?” I asked, not wanting to look rude, but knowing that my full class routine was coming up quickly.

  “Is it…” She went through a section. “Or…” And, went through it a slightly different way.

  With my mind so pre-occupied, it took me a moment to think. “Uh…” I went through it quickly. “First one.”

  She beamed at me. “Thanks, and break a leg!”

  “You, too!” I yelled, already heading down the corridor for the Year Twelve’s dressing room.

  “What do you want?” one of the wonderful ballet slags asked.

  I gave her an impertinent grimace masquerading as a smile. “Looking for Casper.”

  She rolled her eyes and looked me up and down. “He’s not here.”

  “Do you know where he is?”

  She shrugged. I had the distinct feeling she did, but was just being super helpful.

  “Great, thanks,” I muttered, wondering where he could be.

  I checked a couple of the empty rooms to see if he and Natalie were doing a last minute practice, but no luck.

  “Lani! Come on!” I heard Luke yell and turned to find him waving at me from the other end of the corridor. “We’re on in like a minute!”

  I grumbled under my breath and hurried after him. I followed him through the green room and almost yelled in annoyance when I saw Casper and Natalie were in fact doing a last minute practice, but in the green room of all places.

  “You right?” Luke asked as I paused for a second.

  “Okay, Year Eleven tap, let’s go!” Miss Lyons called, pushing her glasses up her nose.

  I fell into step behind Luke, watching Casper in case I could catch his eye. What I would have done had I managed, I don’t know. So, I suppose it’s a good thing I didn’t manage.

  Our routine went smoothly, my mind firmly on the steps once the music started. We finished – cue applause – and I jogged off the stage where Miss Lyons caught my arm.

  “Do you want to stay and watch?” she asked and I looked at her blankly. “Casper’s piece,” she explained.

  “That’s now?”

  She nodded. “I thought you’d like to stay and watch.”

  Casper and Natalie were taking their places on the darkened stage and the music started. I couldn’t move, so my decision was made for me. They went through the piece with utter perfection; Natalie played her part well as the girl who wouldn’t have him and Casper even pulled off utter yearning for her.

  My heart all at once crumpled and swelled at the sight of it.

  It was only three minutes, but it felt like I was watching an entire relationship play out to a beautiful completion. The kind of relationship I’d never realised until recently that I wanted. But, I’d gone and fallen for the wrong guy. Casper had lived up to expectations and was not the guy who could love.

  I was still trying to come to terms that I was the sort of person who could love.

  I’d been convinced I’d been too broken after Jonny.

  But, I’d gone and proved myself a liar, or an idiot. Maybe both.

  Watching their routine end showed me I was a completely different kind of broken now. Having someone so close but so far was in some ways worse than having them ripped from your life. But then, at least Casper was happy and healthy and alive.

  The audience stood and Casper and Natalie bowed to a thunderous standing ovation.

  “Absolutely beautiful, Lani. Well done,” Miss Lyons whispered in my ear.

  “Most of it was him.”

  “Oh, I doubt that. You two make magic together, always have.”

  My eyes pricked as Casper and Natalie came off the stage towards us. Natalie grinned at me, threw her arms around me quickly and hurried off. But, Casper slowed until he’d stopped in front of me.

  I had no words for him. I was pretty sure if I opened my mouth, I’d cry. So I reached up and hugged him tightly, hoping he felt my regret and how proud I was of him. He held me just as tightly, and just as silently.

  Neither of us spoke as we left the wings and went back to our respective dressing rooms.

  I almost preferred the screaming.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Casper

  Life is shit and then you die.

  That was the universal motto by which I generally lived my life.

  Until about two months ago.

  Two months ago, the best thing that ever could happen to me did.

  I didn’t get accepted to the Australian Dance Theatre.

  I didn’t get scouted for some prima dance company overseas.

  Jonny didn’t magically come back to life.

  Brett didn’t magically get better.

  I wasn’t magically a better person.

  And, because none of these magical things happened, I didn’t notice the magic that had happened until it was over.

  I’d had fucking everything.

  Everything.

  I’d fallen into bed with a girl I’d legitimately – okay, obviously in hindsight – wanted to shake sense into as often as I’d wanted to kiss her. I’d fallen into bed with a girl I shouldn’t have. I’d fallen into bed with a girl who hated me, and that was on a good day. I’d fallen into bed with a girl I knew inside and out, but also didn’t know anymore at all. I’d fallen into bed with a girl who amazed and awed me every single day, a girl I saw as towering above me, as so strong that she didn’t need anyone; not the way we needed her.

  But, it wasn’t all falling into bed.

  There had apparently been other falling that had happened while I was busy ignoring my problems with her soft skin.

  I’d thought I was the one who couldn’t love.

  But, while I was falling into bed with her, I’d fallen in love with Leilani Granger.

  Or, maybe I’d always been in love with her and I’d just needed something to make me see it. I’d just needed to really lose her to realise it.

  Regardless, there was no way she could love me back.

  I’d be an idiot to think there was. Not only had the last two months cemented in my mind that she was just as broken as me, but I was me. How the fuck was I supposed to expect anyone to fall in love with me, let alone someone who knew me better than I knew myself?

  So, what did I do about it? I threw on my trusty mask of indifferent bluster.

  The mask had suited me perfectly when Brett had first fallen down, and it would suit me as I watched my own slow spiralling descent–

  “Oh, for the love of God, you morbid fuck,” I muttered, wiping a hand over my bristly jaw, because apparently I didn’t bother with shaving anymore.

  “What?” Brett asked.

  “Nothing,” I growled, so far past being in any kind of mood to act upbeat for him.

  “What’s up your arse today?”

  “Nothing,” I snapped, as Trent laughed, “He’s missing your sister.”

  The whole room went silent – except for the noise of our avatars on the television dying in a rain of bullets and Lani choking on something – and
looked at Trent, who suddenly looked as guilty as sin itself.

  “What?” Brett spat slowly as Trent made a weird strangled noise.

  I couldn’t look at Lani. We hadn’t talked since our… Could you call it a break up really? I mean, okay we’d yelled at each other some more since. But we’d avoided talking about ‘us’ directly; whether on purpose or not, I didn’t know.

  “Oh, fuck, mate…” Trent said apologetically to me as Brett’s face went red as he waited for some kind of explanation.

  “I’m going to do you the courtesy of assuming Trent’s had too much to drink, mate, and doesn’t know what he’s talking about…” Brett said slowly, looking at Trent as though he dared him to argue.

  Trent probably had had too much to drink, but that didn’t mean he was talking shit as far as anyone else in the room was concerned. We’d all had a bit much to drink, just hanging out playing games in the pit and lounging around. Lani had joined us an hour or so before and sat in the corner of the couch with her book, interjecting now and then with some hilariously witty quip about our gaming skills.

  But, Brett was still waiting for some kind of explanation. I looked over his shoulder at Lani, who shook her head vehemently. But, I couldn’t do it; being honest and getting it off my chest was going to be far better than trying to hide it. I dropped my controller on the table and ran my hand through my hair.

  “Mate…” Nick warned.

  “Cas…” Lani joined him.

  “There something I need to know, Drake?” Brett asked, looking around as though someone was going to give him the answers he needed.

  “Yeah, mate. I…” I sighed, knowing it was better to just say it quickly – like ripping off a Band-Aid in more ways than one – but stumbling over the words. “Ah, fuck… I’ve been sleeping with Lani,” came out in a rush and I swear to God, every person in the room but Brett flinched; he was frozen in anger.

  No one moved. No one said anything. The room was supercharged and I was pretty sure I was about to feel the pain. Lani said I had a terrible temper? She wasn’t wrong. But, well… On his worst day, Brett’s temper rivalled even mine.

  “You want to run that by me one more time, Drake?” Brett said slowly, standing up.

  I stood up as well and faced him like the man I so didn’t want to be at that point. Behind him, I saw Lani stand cautiously.

  “Cas, don’t do this…” she pleaded, her eyes completely brown and completely panicked.

  I shook my head. “Brother’s got a right to know.”

  “Don’t you fucking look at her!” Brett snarled. “Brother? Fuck that, Drake.”

  “Mate, we’re family–”

  “Family? You look after family, Drake. You don’t fuck them!” he yelled and I winced.

  “Brett, it’s not–” Lani’s words were cut off with a yelp as Brett grabbed the front of my shirt.

  “What the fuck have you done, you ungrateful fuck?” he yelled in my face.

  “Dude, it’s not–”

  Brett’s fist collided with my face and I saw stars for a second. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d broken something on both of us. I blinked and turned back to face him, wondering why I’d expected anything less. We’d all known Brett had a thing about anyone touching Lani, let alone me. I’d joked about it because I never thought in a million years I would have touched her. I’d thought it was a simple matter of him keeping his little sister safe. But, the fury on my best mate’s face now left no room for interpretation; in his mind, Lani and me being together was the worst thing that could happen.

  “If you hurt her!” he screamed and I quailed; we’d fought over the years, of course we had. It was natural, but it had never been serious. Not until now. “I will fucking castrate you, you piece of shit!”

  “Brett!” Lani cried, trying to put herself between us. “It’s not like that…”

  “Oh, what’s it like, Lei? He tell you he loves you? And, what? You’re stupid enough to believe him?” Brett scoffed, his eyes boring into mine. “He’s a master manipulator, Angel. You know how many girls he’s strung along? They all thought he’d love them too.”

  Lani slapped him across the face and shoved him. “No, you utter wanker! I am far too well versed in how shallow any of your emotional wells are to think any of you capable of love! But, it’s over. It’s done.”

  Brett glowered at me and I pretended her words weren’t a punch to the gut.

  “I didn’t mean any disrespect, mate. You know I love her–”

  “You fucker! You really went there? After everything! Lani was off-limits, man. The only one you weren’t allowed near! Jonny and I told you that on so many occasions; you didn’t fucking touch her! You were like a brother to me. I thought we were fucking family!” He lunged forward and Lani held her ground between us.

  I wasn’t going to pretend his words didn’t hurt like a swift kick to the nads.

  “Bringing Jonny into this? That’s low, even for you,” Lani hissed. Brett jerked forward and she put her hands on his chest. “Okay, Brett, you have to listen–”

  When he lunged again, I pushed her out of the way and Brett and I fell to the ground, my back bouncing off the side of the coffee table on the way down. Brett landed on top of me, his arm across my throat.

  “Dude, I’m sorry. It’s not like I planned any of it,” I wheezed.

  “Brett, mate, ease up…” Nick said slowly.

  “You might want to stay out of this one…” Ashford hissed and I wasn’t quite so defeated that I didn’t roll my eyes.

  “You want to explain to me why the fuck I should even begin to forgive you?” Brett sneered at me.

  “Brett, enough!” Lani yelled so loudly that he jumped.

  His arm eased up somewhat and I took a deep breath. “It just happened one night, okay?” I started. “We had sex. We agreed it wouldn’t happen again. But, it did. We tried to avoid it, but we couldn’t, okay? Time and again, no matter what we did, we found each other. You can hate it, but it happened–”

  “Oh, I’m so glad I have your permission, you fuck,” Brett spat.

  “Brett, get off him now!” Lani said, her voice like ice. Somehow, that was far more foreboding than the yelling.

  We all looked at her and I felt like my insides shrivelled. Her face was pure hate and pure barely-contained rage. Her eyes were narrowed and I could tell she was tense. Every piece of me needed to go to her, to comfort her. But, I was neither welcome nor able to with her brother sitting on my chest.

  “You really surprised this happened?” she snapped. “You and Emma had your thing. Now, Cas and I have. Our families grew up together, Brett. We live in each other’s damned pockets! It happened and it’s over. We can go back to playing happy families.”

  “I know better than to fuck with family,” he answered.

  “Oh fuck you!” she cried and we all looked at her, surprised. “Don’t do that, you dickhead. We didn’t plan for it. But it’s done. No harm, no foul! Isn’t that what you lot say? Now, get the fuck off him and get over yourself!”

  We all watched as she stormed from the room. There was silence until music blared from her room and Nick unhelpfully opened his mouth.

  “Yeah, but it wasn’t ‘no harm, no foul’ was it, Cas?”

  Brett put more pressure on my neck. “You want to explain that?”

  I rolled my eyes and shot Nick a look that told him I didn’t think much of his outburst. But, he answered before I could say anything – presuming I would have been able to speak with Brett’s arm almost choking me.

  “He fell in love with her and she won’t have him.”

  Brett looked at me with utter surprise. “What?”

  Annoyed, I shoved Brett off me. “Get off, you numpty,” I muttered.

  He was obviously surprised enough that he tumbled over.

  “You what, Drake?” Brett asked.

  “It’s obvious. He won’t admit it, but it’s fucking obv
ious,” Trent said.

  “Casper Drake is in love with quite possibly the only girl who would never have him,” Ashford added.

  “She broke his heart,” Nick said.

  “What is this?” Brett looked at them. “Some kind of bullshit romance movie?”

  “That’s what I said…” I muttered, hanging my head in my hands, my elbows on my knees.

  “Drake?” Brett pushed.

  I sighed. “What, mate?”

  “Are you in love with my sister?”

  “‘Course he is,” Trent said.

  “I thought you guys were fucking with me the other day?” I snapped.

  Nick huffed a laugh. “Mate, we weren’t going to push something on you that you weren’t ready to admit. But, now seems as good a time as any, yeah?”

  I shook my head, then stood up and stared out the balcony window. I stretched and placed my hands on my head. “Fine. Yes. I’m in love with her.”

  “You fucking what?” Brett asked.

  “Dude!” one of the others hissed in reprimand.

  “Yeah, okay…” Brett sighed. “You’re in love with her?”

  “Yeah, all right? I admit it! I’m in love with her. You don’t like it? I don’t fucking care anymore…” I took a deep breath.

  “You fucked my little sister and fell in love with her?”

  “Look, mate, I’m sorry, okay? Next time I fuck your little sister, I’ll do it the same way I fuck every other girl – with no emotion and no attachment.” God, even saying the words with that amount of sarcasm felt wrong.

  “And when did you decide you were in love with her? Huh? Was this before, during, or after you betrayed me?”

  I whirled around. “Give it a fucking rest!” I snapped. “I’ve always loved her, all right? I was probably always in love with her! But, the point is moot. You’re so fucking worried someone’s going to break her heart? She saved you the trouble, mate, and broke mine first!”

  All four of them stared at me in disbelief.

  “Yeah, there you go! Laugh it up! The great Casper Drake’s had his heart broken like a prissy wanker. But, you stop fucking judging me, mate.” I pointed at Brett. “You can hit me all you like, but you’re going to fucking get over it.”