the Trouble with Hate is...

by Elizabeth Stevens

  I saw Brett swallow and knew he was thinking seriously about what I’d said.

  “What would Jonny say?” he asked. There was no condescension in his voice; just the question, hesitant like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer.

  That was the part I’d been avoiding thinking about this whole damn time. I closed my eyes for a moment. “I think Jonny knew it was going to happen, mate…” I breathed, willing myself not to lose it. “He told me to take care of her and he told me he was okay with it…” I took another deep breath and opened my eyes to look at him.

  I ignored Nick, Trent and Ashford and just looked at my best mate.

  “When did he say that?” Brett whispered.

  “The day before…” I swallowed, but Brett nodded, knowing what I was referring to.

  “Okay. Then, there’s nothing more to talk about.”

  And, just like that, we were done talking.

  Brett dropped back onto the couch and picked up his controller. I saw him shake his hand out and wasn’t surprised it was hurting based on the throb in my cheek. I looked to the others to see if they were going to say anything. Nick gave me a single nod of solidarity. Trent gave me a small smile. And Ashford held his hands up all innocent like when I gave him an expectant glare.

  “Mate, I’m not going to say anything. Takes balls to admit that chick-flick shit,” was all he said as we all sat down with Brett again and went back to our game.

  Things were strained. But, on the surface, we pretended that everything was just the same as it always was. I guess that fact Lani had broken my heart was as good a punishment as Brett could have come up with himself.

  e

  Bass was thumping. Drinks were flowing. Brett and I were on top of the world.

  Except Brett wanted to plummet to the bottom of the world.

  So, what was a guy to do but do it before him and prove how bad an idea it really was?

  The boys laughed and jostled each other as I pulled my jumper off.

  “You sure about this, Drake?” Brett scoffed, taking a swig of his beer.

  I looked down and nodded. “How hard can it be?”

  Brett and I locked eyes for a moment and I saw them shining. For a moment, I was sure there was something almost spiteful in them. But, then he blinked and I was sure I imagined it; I mean, he hadn’t loved that I’d slept with his little sister, sure, but he seemed over it. Or, maybe he was still appeased by the bruised face, heart and ego I still sported.

  Whatever it was, I felt like there was still an uneasy truce between us and I was going to do everything I could to ensure it didn’t break. So, I kicked off my shoes and pulled off my shirt.

  “Oh, ho! He’s going to do it ladies and gentlemen!” Ashford crowed. “Just you watch out. There’ll be a Casper Drake-sized pancake to share around very shortly, ladies!”

  “Shut up, you tosser,” I huffed a laugh, pretending my heart wasn’t racing.

  I stretched and climbed up onto the railing – it was thick, designed as a sort of bar platform to rest drinks while you talked. I turned and did a little bow to cheers ringing out. As I looked up, my eye caught Lani’s as she came up the stairs with Bec. I saw the flicker of emotions cross her face. But, it was too late for any of that; we were broken and I made no apologies anymore. Not to her. Not to myself. Not to anyone. I was a free man and I did what I wanted. And, my main aim now was to do the stupid shit so my best friend didn’t kill himself – inadvertently or not. And, it was the not that concerned me.

  “Wish me luck, folks,” I called with a grin and a salute, and let myself drop backwards.

  I heard Lani scream my name, then I twisted and hit the water.

  I was winded for a moment and just nudged the bottom of the pool floor, but I kicked myself to the surface and got a deep breath in. Cheers and whoops rang out from the balcony and I double fist pumped. Which caused a more raucous celebration.

  “Drinks!” I heard Brett yell and knew he wasn’t going to be following me. At least not any time soon.

  I lazily swam my way to the edge of the pool and pulled myself out. It wasn’t hugely cold – October had that effect on you – but it was raining steadily. I slipped a little as my wet feet tried to find purchase on the already wet ground and I chuckled as I managed to keep my balance.

  “What in the hells were you thinking!” I heard a familiar hissed voice.

  I flicked my hair out of my eyes and looked up at her.

  And, she damn near took my breath away.

  She looked fierce, like nothing could touch her, like the storm swirled around her and there was no getting through. I had no doubt that she could rip me a new one – figuratively and literally – if she cared enough. But, I couldn’t yet tell if she cared enough.

  “What’s up, Angel?” I asked with my patented panty-melting nonchalant bluster.

  She frowned at me. “What the hell was that stunt?”

  “Relax, Lei. It was nothing.”

  “It wasn’t nothing!”

  I made to walk past her, but she stopped me with a forceful hand on my chest.

  “What the hell were you playing at? You could have been seriously injured!”

  “And, yet, here I am,” I answered, opening my arms wide and taking a little bow. “All safe and here for you to scream at to your heart’s content. But, not tonight, little Lani. I have better things to do with my time than have yet another shouting match with you.”

  In fact, I was hoping it wasn’t too late to coax Imogen or maybe Megan back up to my room for a bit. I’d apparently had enough to drink that the idea distracted me well enough until Lani’s hand smacked into my cheek. I looked back at her and blinked, the bruise from Brett stinging nicely.

  “What the fuck, Lei?” I spat.

  She looked angry enough to vibrate out of her skin. “I am so done with this bullshit!” she hissed. “I will not sit by and watch another one of you kill himself!”

  “No one’s killing themselves, Lei.” I inadvertently looked up to the balcony and I knew she could read my mind.

  “Not right now, no.”

  “I do what I want, Angel. You know that. What right do you have to try to stop me?”

  I was only making her angrier and most of me didn’t care, most of me wanted to rile her up. Fighting with her was easier than loving her and knowing I’d never have her. I couldn’t help but keep her close, but it was so damned painful…

  Fuck…

  I suddenly got it.

  I understood.

  I thought I’d understood before.

  But, I hadn’t.

  Suddenly, everything she’d said the other week made sense. Because I currently felt exactly the same; I couldn’t love her at a distance, so I hated her up close.

  I blinked, wondering if there was more I’d missed about that conversation.

  “Oh, great. Now, you’re not even listening…” she huffed. “Bye, Cas.” She turned to leave but I grabbed her arm and pulled her to face me.

  “What were you saying?” I asked her, desperate to keep her with me a little longer; there was something at the edges of my mind but I hadn’t quite grasped onto it yet.

  She sighed. “Nothing, Casper. If what I have to say isn’t important to you, that’s fine.”

  “It is important, Angel…” I said slowly.

  She frowned and ripped her arm from mine. “We’re supposed to be family, all right? We’re supposed to be there for each other. I’m not just going to sit back and let you destroy yourself like everyone else has! I’ve lost everyone, Cas! I’ve lost every single person I ever had in my life and I can’t lose anyone else.”

  “You haven’t lost everyone, Lei,” I answered. “Everyone’s lost you! You keep yourself surrounded by that storm and no one can get through. I’ve tried time and again, but it thickens and I can’t see my way forward or back. I haven’t gone anywhere. You’re the one who’s disappeared from view!”


  Her breath hitched. “I’m still exactly where you left me.”

  I shook my head as I looked down at her. “No, love, you’re not. One minute I feel like I can reach you, then you’re so far out of reach I don’t know how to get you back.”

  I knew we were getting too real for her, I could see it on her face. We’d tried real once in so many years and look where that had got us. But, not this time. This time, we were ending it or fixing it. I refused to love her at a distance or hate her up close; I was going to love her – romantically or platonically, maybe both – with everything I was whether she liked it or not and she was going to have to deal with that.

  “You’re the one who’s pulling away, Cas! The one who’s putting their life in danger, and for what?”

  I sighed. “If I didn’t do it, Brett would have, love. I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk what he might actually do.”

  She shoved me and I knew she didn’t want to think about that. “I watched you fall and I thought I was going to die, Cas! Do you understand that?” she said, with so much emotion in her voice, I swear I felt my heart crumple. “Losing you would kill me, Cas. I couldn’t handle it. The idea I’m this close to losing Brett is one thing, and it would destroy me. But, losing you…” Her voice hitched and she turned away from me, her hand over her mouth.

  She was shaking and I couldn’t think of what to do.

  So, I did the only thing I knew how to do.

  I pulled her to me gently and started swaying side to side. She leant against my chest like she was out of energy. I took one of her hands and the other rested on my other arm. She felt defeated, but, having her in my arms, it felt like home.

  “Cas…”

  “It’s all right, Lei…”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Something I should have done long ago, Angel.”

  “And, what’s that?”

  “Your world might be storms, love. But, you don’t have to wait for them to pass. We can still dance in the rain. And, I should have danced with you through the rain years ago.”

  She only pulled away enough to look at me as I twirled us around. “Why now, Cas?”

  “Because, Angel, I have to hope that late is really better than never.”

  She frowned at me, but like she was thinking. Our feet moved together by pure instinct as I waited for her to say something.

  “What’s late, Casper?” she asked slowly.

  I hated to think how much pain was in my eyes, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.

  And, I mentally chastised myself during the whole tirade. “I’ve always loved you, Angel. But, I wasn’t there when you needed me. And, that’s on me. So what if you’d looked strong enough to handle anything that came your way? I should have been there anyway. I was so focussed on Brett that I lost sight of you.”

  She looked down as we danced. “It’s fine, Cas. I get it. Brett needed us. Neither of us were going to risk losing him. I should have been there for you–”

  “Don’t you get it?” I asked. “You were only ever there for me! I mean, whenever I needed you, you were there. No matter how much you were focussed on Brett, I knew you had my back, too. And, I never once showed you how much I appreciated it.”

  She sighed. “That’s what you do for family, Cas…”

  “Yeah, but we’re not really family, are we? I love you, Angel–”

  “Cas, of course we’re family. We’ve known each other forever. I–”

  “Did you not hear me? I love you.”

  She nodded. “I heard and I love you, too, Cas.”

  I stopped our dance, put my hands on either side of her face and made her look at me. She was going to hear this. I might have been wrong; there may have been nothing in her outburst during out last fight, I could have been making it all up. But, now wasn’t the time for ‘what if’s’. I had to tell her because if I passed up this opportunity again I’d regret it for the rest of my life. I had a chance for a tiny piece of happiness through the storm of life, and I was going to take it.

  “No, Angel. I love you. I totally fell in love with you. It took falling into bed with you to realise I’d fallen in love with you–”

  “Isn’t that a charming notion,” she scoffed. “So pleased all you needed was sex for your great revelation. Like I wasn’t enough on my own…”

  She was frowning, then I saw her slowly come to terms with what I’d said. Her eyes were brown. She blinked once. I was sure there was a flicker of green. She blinked twice. There was some definite green. Then she frowned in confusion. I could see her mind working so damn fast. Now I just had to wait for that beautiful mouth to catch up.

  Chapter Twenty

  Lani

  “You what?” I finally said, trying to grasp at the frayed edges of my mind.

  “I’m in love with you, Leilani Granger,” he said slowly. “You were right, it wasn’t just sex. It never was. Sex was just the only way I had of communicating with you without fucking everything up, without saying something idiotic. I get it now, love,” he said, full of earnest, “I get the up close hate in favour of the distant love. I couldn’t do it either. I needed you to hate me so I could keep you close. I couldn’t bear to have you push me away again.”

  “Cas… I…” I took a deep breath.

  Wasn’t this, in part, exactly what I’d wanted? Hadn’t I realised I’d fallen in love with him and just so badly wished that he could be the kind of guy who could love me back. God, were we just kidding ourselves? Could Leilani Granger and Casper Drake really do love, and together no less?

  A warmth was spreading through me, a totally clichéd glow, and I felt a smile growing on my face. But, I didn’t move, I couldn’t move. I didn’t know whether to believe it or not; my heart had already fallen for it, but my head cautioned me. It was like hearing the news about Jonny all over again, except the opposite.

  That day, the clouds had started creeping in.

  But, now, they were putting one toe out the door like they were finally ready to leave my skies bright again.

  I was hesitantly ecstatic, but like it was all a dream and that tiny, pain-filled piece of my heart was urging me to caution. It was screaming it, in fact. But, I didn’t want to listen to it. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to try this. Even if my heart got trampled again; I had a shot at happiness, how could I not take it?

  “Look,” he started like he was trying his damnedest to sound upbeat but was breaking inside. His hands dropped to my waist, “I know this makes things weird, but I’ll always be here to dance through the rain with you…”

  Oh, God, he thinks I don’t feel the same…

  I looked up into those green eyes, more familiar to me than my own reflection with any expression running through them. My heart beat far too hard; I hadn’t been good at this whole feelings things for years, not that Casper had ever been very good at it and look at what he’d just admitted.

  “I think you’re right… I think things are going to be weird for a while, Cas.” I took a deep breath but couldn’t rush this, even with the look of panic blooming on his face. “Because I don’t think anyone would know how to react to the idea we’re in love with each other. I mean, I don’t even know what we do with that.” That arrogantly, charming lazy smirk was spreading across his face now and his eyes shone, but I kept talking. “Neither of us have ever been relationship people, but do we… I mean, do we date now? Do we tell people? Do we just accept that we’re one of those clichéd childhood sweetheart couples and marriage is inevitable? Do we decide we’re too young for this shit and wait years before acting on it? Do we just pretend it never happened and play happily oblivious the rest of our lives?”

  That smirk was full-blown now and I didn’t begrudge all those girls who’d fallen into bed with him. The man was gorgeous, inside and out despite all his flaws. The angry piece of my heart was calming, and I felt the excitement taking hold.

  “You love me?” he asked.
/>
  “I’ve always loved you,” I teased, pretending not to know what he was really asking.

  His smile grew. “Oh, no, there’s no getting out of it now. You’re in love with me.”

  “Takes one to know one,” I answered and he laughed.

  “It does.”

  “What do we do now, Cas?”

  He shook his head. “Not those last two.”

  I smiled. “Not those last two?”

  “Nope.” He ducked his head and ran his nose under my jaw. “Definitely that first one, though.”

  “You want to date me?”

  He nodded. “I want nothing more. And, we should probably do the second one…”

  “You think our families won’t notice on their own?”

  He chuckled and the breath of air against my skin sent goose bumps flaring. “We should probably tell them. I don’t think I can be trusted not to kiss you if I’m given the chance, with them around or not. Our mums are going to freak out.” He kissed my neck as though to underline his words.

  I nodded, panic and excitement fighting for space in my chest. “Okay. I guess so.”

  “As for that third one…”

  My heart skipped awkwardly, like it had tripped over its own feet. “What?”

  “Well,” his hands trailed along my body softly as his lips skimmed over my neck and shoulder, “if it’s inevitable…”

  “You want to marry me?” My heart didn’t know if it was going to burst with excitement or fear.

  “Relax, I’m joking,” he huffed a laugh.

  I sighed, weirdly not sure if I was pleased or not, and found myself leaning into him. “Really?”

  He paused to look at me. “Maybe,” he answered with a devilish grin, then was kissing me hard.

  “Oi!” I heard Brett yell. “What are you two doing?”

  We finally pulled away from each other, breathless but smiling, and I knew there was a twinkle in my eyes to match his.

  “Drake!” Brett shouted, his tone full of warning.

  “What do you say, Leilani?” Casper asked me.

  “I… Yes… Yes, Casper, I’ll date you,” I laughed.