Truth About Men & Dogs

by Andrea Simonne

  “You’re right.” His head bobbed, and he punched his fist for emphasis. “I’ve just got to stay positive!” He continued to pace. An innocent man awaiting a jury verdict—more like the hangman’s noose, if you asked me.

  I leaned against Doug’s truck and sighed with frustration. I wished I could get some work done. I promised I wouldn’t, but it was a promise that was increasingly difficult to keep. Gavin and I were in the middle of a deal with a real estate group that was looking seriously profitable. I talked to him earlier, and even though I wasn’t there in person, it sounded like things were on target.

  It was a relief to get my phone back.

  I had to threaten to go into town and buy a car before my mom and the pest agreed to discuss terms.

  You’d think handling million-dollar deals for breakfast would make negotiating the release of a cell phone from a retired schoolteacher and a flighty girl who’d changed college majors so often they’d written newspaper articles about her a cakewalk.

  Think again.

  I could be a dictator at times, but I liked to think of myself as benevolent. I’d met narcissistic CEOs who were less bloodthirsty and demanding than those two.

  First I had to promise I wouldn’t use my phone for work while I was on this “vacation.” Then I had to agree I’d take off at least one day a week, plus one full weekend every month.

  I was also told that I needed to start thinking about my future. Apparently I was a thirty-five-year-old man who lived like a little kid—my own mother’s flattering words.

  “It’s time for you to settle down, Philip. Don’t you want to find the right woman and get married?”

  “Sure.” I shrugged. “Someday.”

  “Because you’re getting old,” the pest added with relish. “Seriously frigging old.”

  My mom frowned at my sister. “Now stop that, Eliza. We’ll be discussing ways to improve your life soon enough.”

  Her brows shot up. “Why? What’s wrong with me?”

  “Everything.” I grinned. “In fact, let’s pick on you for a change.”

  “Please. I’m the perfect one. We all know you’re the one who’s screwed up.”

  “No, I’m not. You are.”

  She stuck her tongue out, and like the immature kid I apparently was, I stuck mine out right back.

  My mother sighed.

  In the end, I agreed to all their demands. Not much of a negotiation.

  The pest retrieved a plastic bag covered in sand with my phone inside. She’d buried it out on the beach. I wasn’t thrilled about all this, but damn if I didn’t grin with pride at my sister’s hiding skills.

  “I’ve taught you well,” I said, holding the bag up for inspection. It explained why I couldn’t find it anywhere inside the house. And believe me, I’d searched.

  She fluttered her lashes. “Yes, you have.”

  So I was stuck in this backwater town one more day, listening to Doug freak out about a woman he was obsessively in love with—or at the very least had a painful hard-on for.

  I glanced around outside of the maid’s cottage. It was straight out of a fairy tale with a happily ever after and all that jazz. I could see why this appealed so much to my cousin.

  Definitely not my taste. It would be like living inside a lollypop.

  Though admittedly, when I ran into her in the parking lot yesterday, she wasn’t exactly spewing rainbows and unicorns. More like fire and brimstone. It turned out she had quite a temper, not that I could blame her for being pissed at me.

  “How should I phrase it again?” Doug asked, wringing his hands. “What should I say to her?”

  I calmly explained how important it was to keep it casual with women. “Just ask her if she’d like to get coffee or maybe a drink. No big deal.”

  “What if she says no?”

  “If she shoots you down, then act likes it’s nothing. Don’t let her know how much it matters to you.”

  He got a panicked expression on his face. “Do you think she’ll shoot me down?” He gulped, staring at me like the oracle of all things female. Which, let’s face it, I was. I’d spent many years studying the fairer sex, and I knew what I was talking about.

  “I think you’ve got a shot with her,” I said, trying to be encouraging. In truth, I had no idea if he had a chance. If you’d asked me a few days ago, I would have said yes, but after seeing her temper in that parking lot, I’d say it was fifty-fifty whether she’d go for a guy like Doug.

  “At least I brought her some of my kick-starter muffins. Maybe those will convince her.”

  I cringed. Those muffins weren’t going to convince any woman of anything. “Just play it cool. Trust me.”

  Doug, being who he was, continued to work himself into a lather. Finally, I gave up and listened to my voice mail. Besides work, there were messages from a few women. A model I’d met at an art opening recently and another one who’d given me her number at some charity event. Two messages were from Madison, an attractive blonde I’d met at a dinner party last month. We’d been out a few times, but I didn’t feel like talking to her right now. Instead I read the news and checked Twitter.

  Eventually Claire’s turquoise Kia pulled up in front of the house. “Sorry I’m late,” she said, hurrying toward us with an armful of papers. “I got held up by one of my clients.”

  Doug’s eyes bugged out in terror at the sight of her.

  She still hadn’t noticed me yet, and I let my gaze drift down to her voluptuous ass. I couldn’t fault my cousin’s taste in women. She was attractive. Short and curvy, and oddly, seeing her temper the other day made her more appealing to me, not less.

  “Philip and I didn’t mind waiting… not for you, Claire!”

  “Philip?” She turned and finally saw me leaning against the side of Doug’s truck. She scowled. “What are you doing here?”

  “My cousin invited me.” I shoved my phone into my front pocket and gave her a little smirk.

  She was still scowling but then seemed to catch herself and turned back to Doug. “Come inside the house and you can see the room again.”

  “Buh… before we go inside, I’d like to ask….” He gulped. “I’d like to ask you a question.”

  “Sure, what is it?” She shifted the stack of papers to one arm.

  “Do… do you think… do you…?” Doug’s face went bright pink. He stopped talking and went back to his expression of terror.

  She tilted her head. “Are you okay?”

  His mouth opened, but no sound came out.

  “Would you like a glass of water?” She went to unlock her front door.

  I walked over to follow them inside, but Doug grabbed my arm. “I can’t do it!” he hissed in my ear as Claire disappeared into the house.

  “Of course you can.”

  “I tried, but I’m too nervous. I feel sick!”

  “Ask her out later, then. Once you’ve calmed down.”

  “I think I’m going to throw up. I’ll never calm down!” He stared at me with wild eyes. A crazed ascetic who seemed to live on nothing but those tasteless muffins. “You have to do it for me.”

  “What? No fucking way.” I tried to pull my arm back, but his grip was surprisingly strong.

  “Please, Philip. You saw what happened. She’s going to shoot me down.” He made this strange moaning sound like a dying moose.

  Claire appeared in the doorway. “Is everything okay out here?”

  “We’re fine,” I said, keeping my voice steady while Doug’s fingers cut off the circulation in my arm. “My cousin just needs to tell me something.”

  Her eyes flickered over to Doug, whose moans had turned into gasps for air. “Is he really okay? He doesn’t look so good.”

  “I think he took too much allergy medication.” I gritted my teeth. “Just give us a second.”

  “Sure.” She nodded with concern. “Let me get him that water and maybe a cookie.”

  “That would be great.”

  As soon as she disa
ppeared from the door, I yanked my arm away from his barnacle-like grip. “Seriously, dude, pull it together.”

  “I can’t,” he moaned. “I just can’t. You have to ask her.”

  “Claire detests me, so I’m the last person you want asking her out for you.”

  “Say you’ll do it,” he begged. “There’s no one else.”

  This was unbelievable. I should have predicted something like this would happen.

  “Please.” Doug’s bottom lip shook, and it looked like he was going to cry.

  I let my breath out and gazed up at the sky. Blue and cloudless. I wondered whether I should tough love it here or not. How was Doug going to grow a spine if I did all the heavy lifting?

  “Please, Philip,” he continued to beg. “I swear, I’ll never ask you for anything again.”

  I looked over at him. He was a pitiful sight.

  “All right, fine,” I said. “I’ll do it.”

  Doug was sitting at Claire’s kitchen table, slurping down a glass of water and eating a muffin. He’d gone back out to his truck for them and offered her one.

  “I’ll just save it for later,” she said, wrapping it in a paper towel. I imagined it was going straight into the trash as soon as we left.

  “Good idea,” Doug grinned at her. He was still twitchy but seemed to have calmed down now that he knew I would take care of this.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help my cousin, but I’d always felt there were certain things in life you needed to handle yourself.

  Women were definitely one of them.

  As Claire stood in the kitchen, looking over some paperwork, I took in her small house. It was a tiny studio, and I could see why she wanted the extra space.

  There was a galley-style kitchen with a dining area near the front door. The living room, which was also her bedroom, housed a large birdcage on one side. On the opposite wall were boxes filled with what appeared to be cleaning supplies. A giant brass bed dominated the center of the room. While the overall feel was sweet and cozy, it was different than I expected.

  To be honest, there was something about that damn bed. My eyes kept going back to it. The frame was ornate with decorative vine work that trailed along the front and back. It was piled high with satin pillows and silky blankets in shades of red and purple. The effect was one of complete sensual abandon. It looked straight out of a Turkish harem or some kind of high-priced bordello.

  My eyes cut over to Claire with her turquoise polo shirt and her hair pulled back into that spinster librarian bun. She was talking to Doug about how she’d like to get work started on the new room as soon as possible.

  What in the hell was she doing with a sexy bed like that? There wasn’t even a naked woman lying in it, yet I was practically getting a hard-on.

  I imagined her lying in it. Naked with her arms over her head, gripping that brass frame so her lush body was on full display. A hot expression on her face.

  We’d sink into the bed together while I sank into her.

  I swallowed, feeling guilty for thinking about some woman my cousin was into. Maybe I needed to return that voice message from Madison. Clearly I’d gone too long without sex.

  “Let’s see this spare room of yours,” I growled. “I don’t have all day to stand around.”

  The two of them looked at me.

  “Is this it?” I motioned to a door off to the side of the kitchen. Judging by what I’d seen from the outside of the house, it had to be the new addition.

  “Yes, that’s it.” She nodded.

  Doug put his glass down and got up from his chair.

  The unfinished room was a few degrees cooler than the rest of the house and smelled like pine. Gavin and I both worked for his dad’s home construction company during high school, so I was familiar with this type of project. It was framed but still needed a lot of work. The insulation and drywall weren’t completed, and the flooring hadn’t been laid yet, though at least the wiring was in.

  Doug came in and walked around, made a show of touching and inspecting the wood framing. “I spoke to my drywall guy this morning, and we should be able to get things started tomorrow.” His voice squeaked. He turned and gave me a nervous look.

  “Really?” She brightened and brought her hands together. “That’s great. Sooner than I was expecting.”

  “Uh, yeah… tomorrow.” He blinked and eye twitched in my direction, trying to relay a message.

  “Say, listen, Claire.” I stepped forward and rubbed my jaw. “I just had a thought. Would you consider meeting for a—”

  “Will you go on a date with me!” Doug shouted at her.

  She startled, her eyes widening. “What?”

  “Would you have dinner with me… or… m-maybe a movie?”

  She opened her mouth.

  “Please,” he begged, his voice trembling as he rocked back and forth on his heels. “We can do anything you want. Anything!”

  “I don’t really—”

  “Coffee!” he yelled, remembering my advice. “We can have coffee! Please don’t shoot me down.” He moaned like a dying moose again.

  She appeared stunned.

  “Don’t shoot me down.” He continued to moan, those big brown eyes beseeching her. “Please, don’t shoot me down.”

  I was stunned too. I’d never seen such a pathetic display from a grown man in my entire life. I couldn’t believe the two of us were even related. I honestly wondered if Aunt Linda had gotten the wrong baby from the hospital years ago.

  “I guess a movie would be… okay,” Claire said, shifting uncomfortably.

  “It would?” Doug gaped at her. “You’d go to a movie with me?”

  “Okay.”

  “Saturday night at six?”

  She nodded.

  “We’re going to have a really great time. I promise! Don’t you worry!”

  Doug may have been sick with nerves, but I was sick after watching this. “So you guys are going on a date. That’s nice,” I managed to say.

  “Yes, we are.” He wore a big grin. “A movie. Claire wants to go to a movie with me. You heard her say it.”

  After going over a few more details about the room, Doug and I headed back outside. Claire seemed subdued when we left. I didn’t blame her.

  Just as we reached the truck, a young woman was hurrying down the dirt driveway toward us. She was tall and slender with long reddish hair. Very attractive. She wore a tan business suit, and her gaze was focused on my cousin.

  “Doug, I’m so glad I caught you before you left!”

  He turned. “Oh, hey, Daphne. How’s it going?”

  “Just fine.” She smiled, still catching her breath from running.

  “Is there something I can help you with?”

  She seemed nervous as she began to describe some house that needed a closet added to help increase its value. Her voice was quiet, but from what I could gather, she was a real estate agent.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she said, turning to me. “I didn’t mean to be rude. I’m Claire’s sister, Daphne.” She put her hand out, and I took it with surprise. The two of them didn’t look alike, and I would never have pegged them as sisters.

  Daphne turned back to Doug. “Do you think you could look at the house sometime soon? It wouldn’t take long.”

  He scratched the back of his neck and appeared skeptical. “Gosh, I don’t know. I’m starting work here tomorrow, and that’s going to keep me real busy.”

  “They wouldn’t need you to start on the closet for another couple of weeks.” Daphne was smiling at him. “Maybe we could meet this weekend? I’ll buy you a coffee, and we can discuss the job.”

  My cousin seemed to mull it over. Was he seriously turning down the opportunity for more work?

  He shook his head. “Well, I can’t this weekend. Claire and I are going to the movies on Saturday.”

  Daphne’s face fell. “Oh, I see.” She nodded. “I totally understand.”

  “Sorry, it looks like you’ll have
to find someone else to work on that closet.” Doug pulled the keys for his truck out of his pocket, ready to leave.

  I stared at him with disbelief. There was no way I was letting him turn down a job. “He’ll be there Monday morning to give you an estimate,” I informed Daphne.

  They both looked at me with surprise.

  Doug stood up straighter. “Now listen here, Philip, you can’t just—”

  “Text him the address,” I told her. “He’d be happy”—I shot him a weighted look—“to build a new closet for your client. How many bids are they considering?”

  Daphne’s eyes widened. “I don’t know. I’ve only recommended Doug so far.”

  “Great. Tell them he does excellent work and that he’ll give them a fair price.” Which was true as far as I could tell. Doug gawked at me, but I ignored him. “Be sure to keep him in mind for other work you hear about in the future.”

  “I will.” Her gaze went back to Doug.

  My cousin seemed upset, but I really didn’t give a shit. Enough was enough. He wasn’t going to get away with whining about his lack of work and then turning down a job right in front of me.

  Predictably, he complained the whole way back to the house. He was still complaining when we went out to where my mom and sister were sitting on the back deck. My mom had her computer open in front of her while the pest was reading some kind of manuscript.

  “You can’t just take over and tell me how to run my business!” he whined. “You crossed the line, Philip.”

  “What happened?” my sister asked, looking up from her reading material.

  I turned to Doug, exasperated. “Just shut the hell up, all right? I did you a favor. If you put as much effort into your business as you do in complaining, you’d be successful.”

  He opened his mouth, then closed it.

  “Philip,” my mom reprimanded me from where she was sitting. “Please don’t talk to him like that.”

  Doug smirked, bolstered by my mom. “Yeah, you shouldn’t talk to me like that. Who do you think you are?”

  My eyes settled on him, and I gave him my coldest glare, the one I used during contract negotiations when I suspected somebody was trying to fuck me.