A Whole New Me

by J C Carter

  "What about you though? Are you happy?" I hate the idea that he's not, and that I had something to do with making that happen.

  "I'm happy, I promise. I get to have you in my life and I've got so much going for me. How could I not be?"

  "But what happens when you're not, when this isn't enough? What happens when you don't want to do this with me anymore?"

  "Then I'll tell you. And I hope you'll do the same for me. Nothing is guaranteed in life and that applies to this as well. Maybe things will work out between us and maybe they won't. But I'd really like to enjoy it while I can. I don't want to waste a moment. So please don't worry. We can do this however you want. Just two people spending time together in whatever way they want."

  "Well then," I say, smiling at him. "I'd like to add sleepovers to our little arrangement."

  "You've got yourself a deal babe," he says, and he seals it with a soft kiss to my lips. "Now," he says, pulling back and fixing me with a slight glare. "About last night. I'm sorry I got mad at you. I was just so excited about our win and then, I don't know, seeing you with Ethan. I worried that maybe you would rather be doing this with him. Totally irrational I know. And then when you were nervous about us being together in public. But you were fine with being seen talking to Ethan."

  "I'm sorry. It's just that when you waved at me during the game, some girls were kind of rude about it. Like why on Earth would you be interested in me. And I guess it struck a nerve. I'm worried that us being together is going to end up causing me problems, particularly with jealous, catty girls."

  "I can understand that," he says sitting up and looking down at me. "But please just talk to me next time and we'll figure out something that works for both of us."

  I reach up to caress his face and he leans into my hand, nuzzling a bit. "I appreciate that, thank you.

  "You're welcome. Now, I'm starving, how about we go down to the kitchen and get some breakfast?"

  I noticed when I was here the first time that this place is pretty much an apartment. Meaning that it does actually have its own kitchen. So I'm confused as to why we would need to go downstairs for food. I ask Ricky as much while we get dressed. I'm not thrilled about wearing yesterday's clothes, but Ricky does loan me a pair of boxers. So at least I have fresh underwear.

  "We do keep some stuff in the kitchen up here. Mostly just beer and water though. We try to eat in the main house as much as possible, because we want to stay connected to everything. It's really important for us to maintain that team dynamic even off the field."

  "Makes sense I guess. The concept is kind of weird to me though, since I mostly prefer being alone."

  He laughs at that and says with a wink, "Ok Loner Girl. Let's get you properly socialized."

  "Ugh," I say, groaning. I think I prefer the nickname Diner Girl to Loner Girl. "Hey, where are your roommates by the way, are you sure you don't live here alone?"

  "Surprisingly, they're both early risers, total morning people. I personally am not."

  "Really," I say, in a completely sarcastic tone. "I hadn't noticed. Alright, let's go get some food."

  * * *

  "Wait wait wait, you're saying that you only meet girls at the gym? What if you meet someone in class or just walking around on campus?"

  I'm sitting in the kitchen of the frat house eating breakfast while surrounded by football players. Never thought I'd be able to say that. I mean yes, I hung out with Jackson and his buddies, but never in this type of setting. I've also finally met Ricky's roommates, Aaron and Jesse. Currently, Aaron is explaining why he picks up girls at the gym. I wonder again how Bronte feels about that, but I decide to stay out of it for now.

  "Well, I'm never in class long enough to actually meet someone. I like to get out of there as soon as possible. And I guess I just spend so much time at the gym, so it just makes sense. Though I did recently meet someone at a party," he says with a soft smile on his face.

  And that makes me smile, because I'm guessing he's talking about Bronte.

  After he says that, some of the other guys start teasing him a bit. Apparently it's unheard of for Aaron to be interested in just one girl. He takes it all in stride, laughing and joking along.

  "So, Ricky, you wanna go down by the lake later? It's still pretty warm and Jesse and I were thinking we could grab some food."

  "Yeah man." Jesse chimes in from where he's been sitting quietly. "Gabby was saying she wanted to go today. You should come to Tessa."

  Ricky turns to me, looking excited. "What do you think babe? You haven't been down to the lake yet right? It could be fun."

  "That sounds great," I say with a smile. "I think I'll invite a friend of mine if that's alright? And I'll need to go home first to shower and grab some stuff. Ricky, you think you could give me a ride. We could meet there in a couple hours. My dorm is pretty close to the beach."

  The three of us agree to the plan and Ricky and I head out to make the drive back to my place. He gives me a quick kiss goodbye, trying to avoid a repeat of the last time we did this. And I make my way up to my room.

  I gather up my shower things and dig out my swimsuit and a comfortable set of clothes to wear over it. Then I send a text to Bronte asking if she'd like to join us today and tell her to stop by my room in half an hour. My shower is quick, but thorough as I want to have enough time to get ready. It seems kind of silly that I'm nervous about wearing a swimsuit in front of Ricky when he's already seen me naked, but it is what it is.

  Bronte comes by my room a bit later, and I tell her about my plan to get her and Aaron in the same place.

  "Does he even know that we know each other," she asks me while laughing to herself.

  "I haven't said anything, so I doubt it. I just asked if I could invite a friend, but I didn't say who."

  "You little sneak. This is going to be fun I think. We've texted, but haven't seen each other since that first party."

  "Wait, I thought you were at the party last night. You didn't run into each other?"

  "Nope, I didn't see him. He did ask if I'd be at the game and at the party. But I didn't hear from him after that. No big deal though," she says, shrugging her shoulders.

  I'm not sure she really means that, but I'll let it go for now. Let them figure out what's between them when they're ready. But I don't think there's much harm in getting them together for the day.

  An hour later, Bronte and I are walking down the path that leads down to the beach. Our dorms are right on the shore of the lake with a path that runs along it. It's beautiful. There's a dock for fishing and a small area for boats that the university uses for both sports and research.

  There are people walking around everywhere. People heading to the beach, finding a spot for a picnic, or just to play a game of catch. It reminds me of a scene in a movie.

  "Hey, there are the guys," I say, pointing as we walk onto the beach. Ricky, Jesse, Aaron, and who I assume must be Gabby have set up around a picnic table with a grill nearby. It looks like they've also brought a cooler for drinks, chairs, and various things for playing in the water.

  We walk up and I immediately go to Ricky pulling him in for a hug and a kiss. Then I hear from somewhere behind me, "Well, son of biscuit. Look who it is." I turn in Ricky's arms and see Aaron staring at Bronte with a huge smile on his face. "It's my Party Girl."

  "Hey Aaron. Nice to finally lay eyes on you again. Didn't see you at the party last night."

  He has the good grace to look embarrassed and then he walks up to Bronte, throws her over his shoulder, and starts walking down the beach.

  "We'll be back," Aaron shouts over his shoulder. "We need to talk."

  I lock eyes with Bronte to make sure she's alright with this. She nods her head, laughing at Aaron's antics, so I know she's fine.

  Ricky gives me a look and I know he's figured out my plan. I just shrug, giving him my best flirty smile and make myself comfortable at the table. Gabby and I introduce ourselves to each other and start chatting about school while
the boys grill the food.

  Bronte and Aaron reappear a while later looking very happy, so I guess their talk went well. The six of us spend the afternoon eating, drinking, and just having a great time. We play a ridiculous game of chicken, which Ricky and I totally kick ass at. And when the sun goes down we all head back to the frat house.

  We grab food on the way, throw blankets onto the living room floor in the guys apartment, and watch movies until we doze off. At some point in the night, Ricky carries me to bed and I fall asleep clad in one of his t-shirts, wrapped up in his arms.

  Chapter 12

  It's been a little over a month since Ricky and I have been doing what we're doing. And since that first night I spent at his place, things have been different.

  I'm with him more often than not and I spend more nights in his bed than my own.

  I've also been to another game, Homecoming, and had a great time. I'm pretty sure most of campus thinks we're dating now, but I try not to let that bother me. We're just spending time together, keeping things casual, and it's going really well.

  And things with school are going great. I honestly thought I would hate it here and I had seriously considered transferring somewhere else once the semester was up. But I'm loving most of my classes and I'm excited to start planning for the next three years. Right now I'm stuck taking general classes, but next year I should be able to start taking classes more focused on English Literature.

  I want to be a book editor someday, that means reading, studying, and understanding how books are written as much as possible. I already read a ton on my own, so that really helps. And my advisor has high hopes for my future career. I'm also taking a writing course online. It's a short course and not too intensive, but I'm learning a lot. I plan to keep taking it over the next four years to give me a bit of an advantage when I eventually start applying for jobs. I figure if I want to have a career helping people with their writing, I'd better learn what good writing looks like.

  Right now though, I'm kind of sick of reading. It's Thursday, which means it's one of my longer days. This includes my study group for Sociology and I hate it. No one in my group takes it seriously, so I usually end up making my way through our weekly worksheet alone. I did mention this to my professor and he told me not to worry. My grade is great and my group's lack of effort won't affect that. Everyone does their own work, we're just supposed to help each other and share different perspectives and opinions.

  Thank goodness the torture is almost over. I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm so ready to just relax. I'm meeting Bronte, Alex, and Lena for dinner and then we're all calling it a night.

  We're meeting at the diner downtown since we all have classes or activities close by. I'm smiling when I walk in since this is where I met Ricky for the first time and I haven't been back here since then. The girls are already here and they've snagged a booth in the back. I make my way over to them, taking off my coat as I go.

  "Hey girl. How was the study group," Lena asks as she makes room for me on the seat next to her.

  "Annoying as always. What about you guys? Ready for the weekend? I'm so tired I feel like I could sleep for days."

  Alex groans from across the table, "Seriously. But you know it's only going to get worse, midterms are already in a few weeks."

  "Aww come on don't remind me," Bronte starts whining. "I'm so not ready. Hey, maybe I'll just skip them all. I could still pass my classes right?"

  We all start laughing at that and it helps us all relax a bit. It's nice to have people to laugh with. I've never really had a solid group of girlfriends like I do now. Some days it's still such a novelty to me, having friends like this.

  "So, what is everyone thinking of ordering," I ask, perusing the menu. "I've been dreaming about breakfast for dinner all day. A big stack of French toast, eggs, hash browns, and a big glass of chocolate milk."

  Everyone else decides what to get, with Lena copying my order, and once our food is delivered, conversation basically stops. That's how you know the food is delicious, when everyone is too busy eating to talk.

  I've just about cleared my plate when I notice Bronte looking at something near the door. I look over and see Ricky and Aaron just walking in.

  "Oh hey you two, your boyfriends are here," Alex says, breaking out in giggles. "Should we ask them to sit with us."

  I grimace at the word boyfriend, because that is so not what Ricky is to me. But, since Bronte is the only one who knows what’s really going on, I say nothing. I'm about to get up to get Ricky's attention when he spots me and starts making his way over to us, motioning for Aaron to do the same.

  "Hey ladies, how are you all this evening," Ricky asks as he reaches our table, leaning down to plant a kiss on my head.

  "Hi, and we're all doing good. Just finished up with dinner."

  "Aww that's too bad, we could have joined you." Aaron has gone around the back of the booth to stand behind Bronte. He's got his arms draped around her shoulders and she's wearing a huge smile on her face.

  "Hi, I'm Alex and this is Lena. I don't think we've actually met you guys yet."

  "Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry you guys, I forgot you hadn't met yet," I say, gesturing between the guys and Lena and Alex. "Ricky, Aaron. This is Lena and this is Alex. They live on our floor. They were actually part of that big group we showed up to that first party with."

  "It's nice to meet you guys," Ricky says as he shakes each of their hands and flashes them each a grin. And I know that's all it takes, they love him already. This is confirmed when Lena mouths and 'Oh My God' at me and I have to hold in my giggle.

  We decide to get some dessert so that the boys can join us and eat. And we spend the next few hours just talking and laughing. It's definitely a good way to relax after a ridiculously long day. But eventually that long day catches up with me and I find myself yawning every few minutes, using Ricky's shoulder as a pillow.

  "Are you tired babe? You look like you're about to fall asleep."

  "I'm exhausted. I know it's a little out of your way, but any chance you'd be willing to give me a ride home?"

  "Of course. But, my car's back at the house so we'll have to walk over and get it."

  His house isn't far, only a few blocks, but the idea makes me groan.

  "I could carry you," he says, laughing at my obvious hesitance. I seriously consider it for a few seconds before I realize the idea is ridiculous, but I appreciate the offer.

  "No thanks, I'm good you big dork." I turn to the rest of the group who are still in the middle of a conversation. "Hey guys, I think we're gonna head out. Anybody else need a ride? Ricky's driving to the dorm."

  They decline, seemingly content to hang out a little longer. And I'm secretly glad, because that means a little time alone with Ricky. We're actually spending the night apart since he has an early morning practice. Normally I'm fine spending the night when he has an early morning, but I really need to catch up on some sleep.

  The walk over to his place isn't a long one, but I swear I'm so tired it makes it feel so long. Ricky is as patient as ever, walking at my very slow pace. He tries to carry me a few times, but I keep refusing. I'd like to keep my dignity.

  We make the short drive across campus in comfortable silence, though I notice that Ricky keeps stealing glances at me. That usually means he wants to say something, but he's not sure where to start.

  "Alright, spit it out. I can tell you want to say something, so you might as well just say it."

  "What do you mean," he asks, trying to play coy.

  "You're doing that thing you always do when you have something you want to talk to me about, but you're not sure I'll like it."

  "OK fine. I don't think you're going to like it, but I want to ask you anyway because it's important to me. And please just hear me out and try not to panic OK?" He pulls the car into a spot in the dorm parking lot, shuts the car off, and turns towards me.

  Now I'm nervous, because I think I have an idea of what he wants to ask. And
I don't want him too. I already know what I'll say if he does and I'm afraid I'll lose him over it. So I just nod, because my throat feels dry and I don't think I can speak.

  "I like you Tessa, a lot. I think you know that by now. I like spending time with you, I like waking up to you in the mornings. I'm constantly checking my phone for a text from you. I want to be with you and only you. So Tessa, will you please please be my girlfriend?"

  I chance a glance at him even though I'm afraid of what I'll see. And the look in his eyes breaks my heart. He looks so sincere and heartfelt and I know he's desperate for an answer. And I know I have to be brutally honest to make him understand why I can't do this.

  "Ricky, you know that's not what I want. I told you that I didn't want to do the boyfriend girlfriend thing. I told you that this was just about sex and the occasional sleepover. So why can't you just be happy with that?"

  At this point I'm yelling in a very panicked voice. I'm scared and I feel like I might be sick. This was not part of my plan. I just wanted casual. That way no one would get hurt.

  "Because I want more Tessa. This can't be that much of a purpose to you. We spend all of our time together, neither of us are seeing anyone else, and it sure feels like you're my girlfriend."

  "But I don't want to be Ricky," I snap, finally losing my temper. Then I freeze, because I know the second the words leave my mouth that they were a mistake. I didn't mean them, or at least I didn't mean to say it like that.

  "Ricky wait, I-"

  But he cuts me off before I can actually say anything. "No, I got it. It's fine when we're just having sex, but I'm not good enough for anything beyond that. I understand. Well, I can't do this anymore. So I think we're done. Go find someone else to be your fuck buddy."

  I want to scream at him, snap at him and let him know that talking to me like that is unacceptable. But I know that he has every right to be upset and angry, even if he did agree to this in the first place. I could see that things were changing between us, that we were both developing feelings. But I ignored it, because I didn't want to lose him. And now I have anyway.