A Whole New Me
Page 9
So, I do the only thing I can. I get out of the car and I don't look back.
* * *
Have you ever gotten that sinking feeling in your gut? You know the one, when your phone rings and you just have this feeling that you're about to get bad news. That's how I feel right now.
I didn't get much sleep last night. I laid awake thinking about that look on Ricky's face. Now I'm up, feeling less than ready for the long day ahead of me when I get the call. It's a number that I don't recognize so I almost don't pick-up.
"Hello," I answer, the feeling of dread growing in my gut."
"Tessa, it's Jesse, Ricky's friend."
"Hey Jesse, is everything OK," I ask, desperate for him to say yes even though I know he won't.
"It's Ricky. He got hurt pretty badly during practice this morning and he’s on his way to the hospital now.”
“I. I don’t know- we got into a fight last night. Why are you calling me?” I don’t know why that matters to me, because of course I’d want to know if Ricky got hurt. But I also feel like I need to be upfront with Jesse just in case I’m not really wanted by Ricky.
“Yeah, I know. He told me all about it and he was pretty upset. But, I really think he’d want you to know and want you to be there. So, I’m telling you. He’s being taken to the university hospital. Aaron and I are following the ambulance and I’ll let you know all the information when I get it. You can meet us here, or not. Either way, I thought you’d want to know.”
“Ummm yeah. I, I do. Thanks Jesse. Do you know what exactly happened?"
"We were at an early morning practice and he got tackled pretty hard. Got flipped, landed badly, and then didn't get up. It was scary as hell. He's pretty banged up and the EMT said he probably has a bad concussion, might be out of it for a few days. Anyway, I need to go Tessa, we're at the hospital."
He doesn't wait for me to say anything, just hangs up. I stare at my phone for a few minutes, so many thoughts bouncing around in my head. But the most prominent is that maybe this is my fault. He was upset, he was distracted, and now he's in the freaking hospital.
I send a group text to the girls, letting them know what's happened and where I'll be. I promise to keep them updated. And then I'm out the door as fast as my legs can carry me, clutching my phone like a lifeline, and hoping with all my heart that Ricky is alright.
Chapter 13
It's like a bad dream. That's what people always say right? In books and movies when something bad happens to someone they love or really care about.
And I can say with 100% certainty that that's exactly what it feels like looking at Ricky lying in that hospital bed.
I don't even know how long I've been sitting here, but I know it's been awhile, because the sun has set. I can't leave, I won't leave. It's been a whole day and not one of Ricky's family members have visited him. Sure, some of his teammates were here, his coach, and Jesse and Aaron. But no parents. So I won't leave, because someone needs to be here with him when he wakes up. I've convinced the doctor and nurses that someone should be me. I'll ask him about the lack of family visitors when he wakes up.
He needs to wake up now. He has to, because this isn't right. He shouldn't be laying in that bed right now, covered in bruises and suffering from a head injury. The doctors say he'll pull through. But he's completely out, hasn't woken up yet, and I'm terrified.
Isn't it ridiculous how so often we don't realize how much someone means to us until we might lose them? But here I am, realizing now how much Ricky means to me and how much I want to be with him. Dating, going steady, boyfriend and girlfriend. Whatever you want to call it, I want to be doing it. So he needs to wake up.
I curl up in the plastic hospital chair and try to get some sleep. It doesn't come easy, but I manage to catch a few hours throughout the night. When I wake up, Jesse is sitting in another chair next to me.
"Hey, when did you get here? What time is it?"
"About an hour ago when visiting hours started. It's almost 8:30 now. Have you been here all night?"
"Yeah. It didn't look like any of his family was going to make an appearance and I didn't want him to wake up alone. Why hasn't his family shown up by the way? Do you know how to get in touch with them?"
He gives me a confused look. "No, but I doubt he'd want his mom here anyway so I wouldn't worry about it."
"What about his dad?"
"Tessa, has he told you anything about his family?"
"Yes," I say hesitantly. "He said something about having a pretty happy childhood and that his mom was a piano teacher and his dad owned some kind of company."
"Look. I'm just going to say that there is so much more to the story. But it's his story to tell. I think when he's ready, he'll tell you."
I don't say anything more about it after that, feeling a little uncomfortable. It feels a little like Ricky lied to me, though he certainly wasn't obligated to tell me. But I do hope he chooses to confide in me eventually.
"Jesse," I say, hesitating a little. I want to ask him about the accident, but I also don't want to know what he has to say. He turns to look at me, already seeming to know what I want to talk about.
"Was this my fault? Our fight last night, I know I hurt him. And now I'm thinking that he was distracted by it, that he wasn't as focused and careful as he should have been."
"Tessa, I won't pretend that Ricky wasn't very upset by what you said to him. But this was an accident, plain and simple. Ricky always focuses 100% when he's playing. The guy that tackled him went at it wrong, so Ricky couldn't protect himself as well as he normally would have. But no one, and especially not you, is to blame.
And as far as your fight. That's between you guys. Obviously I want my friend to be happy, but I only know his side. So I'm really in no position to judge or be angry at you."
I give him a nod and a whispered 'thank you', beyond that, I stay silent. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it wasn't this.
Eventually Jesse and I decide to grab some coffee and some food. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning and I'm starving. I'm exhausted, because I haven't really slept since Ricky and I had that fight on Thursday night. And I probably smell a little, because I haven't showered. Basically I'm a mess. Thankfully I didn't miss much from my Friday classes so at least I don't have to worry about that.
We make our way back to Ricky's room, Jesse is a few steps ahead of me, and I'm trying to decide if I should go home and shower, when I hear a shout. Jesse is standing in the doorway of the room with a huge smile on his face. I push past him and almost fall to my knees with relief. Because Ricky is sitting up in bed, smiling that annoying grin of his.
"Hey Diner Girl."
* * *
"Are you sure you're feeling alright,” I ask, eyeing him up and down as he slowly limps towards the bathroom.
Ricky sighs, rolling his eyes at me. "For the millionth time, I'm fine. The doctor said if I was feeling up to it I should move around. Plus I really need to use the bathroom. And no," he says, holding up his hand to me, "I don't need any help."
I watch him walk away with that ever present feeling of worry. It's been two weeks since Ricky woke up, and for the past week I've been staying at his place helping him get better. I know he appreciates me being here, but I also know he's getting frustrated and restless. He's used to being very active and he hasn't been able to really do anything. Plus we haven't had sex in two weeks, so we're both a little wound up.
He's pretty much better at this point. No long term damage from the head injury and the bruises are almost all gone. The team actually has a game next week and he should be cleared to play. He's excited, but I'm pretty scared. I know he got hurt during a practice, but that just makes me even more scared for actual games.
Things between us are OK, but we definitely need to have a conversation and I think now is as good a time as any. Ricky returns from the bathroom and goes to grab himself a snack from the kitchen.
"Hey you," I say, suddenly feeling pretty nerv
ous. "Can we talk?"
He gives me a look that tells me he's nervous too, though I think it's for an entirely different reason, and makes his way over to sit with me on the couch.
"I guess we have to talk at some point right? But can I go first?" I nod, and he takes a deep breath to steady himself.
"I just want to say thank you for taking care of me these past few weeks and for staying with me in the hospital. You didn't have to do that, and I really appreciate it. But Tessa, you don't have to keep doing this. I'm sure you want things to get back to normal and I know I have to let you go.
I want you to know that I heard what you said that day. And I understand that we can't be together in that way. So you can go now, you don't have to feel anymore guilt over what happened. The accident wasn't your fault. You have no obligation to me and I'm all better now. So, we're good."
He looks at me expectantly, like he assumes I'll get up and leave immediately. But I can only stare and process. He was rambling a bit towards the end. But basically, I think he just said that I was taking care of him out of guilt. So I just start laughing. And Ricky? He just watches me like maybe I'm a little crazy.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry," I eventually rasp out between giggles. "You have no idea, do you? No, why would you after everything I've said and done?"
"No idea about what? Tessa, you're not making any sense. But, I'm serious. You can go now, I'm good I swear."
The idea of him wanting me to leave makes me panic a little, so I just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.
"I want to be your girlfriend," I practically yell. He freezes, watching me with weary eyes. So I take a calming breath and try to explain.
"Ricky, I want to be with you, like really be with you. I hate that it took you getting hurt to make me realize how I really felt. I mean it's so cliche, but it's also true. And yes, I do feel guilty. But that's not your fault and I swear that's not why I'm taking care of you. I'm doing it because I want to, because I don't want to let you out of my sight. And because that's what girlfriends do for their boyfriends."
To say he looks stunned would be a major understatement. Because the look on his face is one of pure shock. And I swear I can see his thoughts fighting it out in his head like he wants to believe what I’m saying, but he doesn’t think that he can.
“I mean it Ricky, I really do. I was being so stupid and trying to keep you at arms length when that’s not what I really wanted at all. I just figured it would be easier to keep our feelings out of it. So that neither of us would get hurt. I wasn't sure that I wanted any kind of relationship at all. I didn't want to get your hopes up."
"But you did Tessa. Just by being yourself. I know you didn't mean to, but you did. All you had to do was be your adorable, goofy, beautiful, smart self, and I was a goner."
I look up into his face and see that he's smiling now. Like maybe he understands why I acted the way I did and that we can move forward. He moves towards me, pulling me in for a hug, and I instantly feel myself relax in his arms.
We've spent this whole week together, but there's definitely been some noticeable distance between us. Neither of us were sure where we stood. But now, I feel like for the first time since we started this whole thing, that we're both finally on the same page.
Who is this guy and what did I do to deserve him? He's too good, too kind, too forgiving. But all of that just makes me want him more. It makes me want to try and keep him in my life for as long as I possibly can.
"Hey Ricky," I say, pulling back to look at him with a smirk on my face.
"Hmmm," he mumbles, as he leans in to press his forehead against mine.
"Will you kiss me now?"
I hear him chuckle, my eyes now closed in anticipation. "I thought you'd never ask." His lips meet mine in a soft, sweet kiss, and then we're lost to each other, with only the sound of quiet moans filling the room.
Chapter 14
Today's the big day. Yup, you know the one I mean. Ricky is officially cleared for "intimate activity" as his doctor called it. It's been almost four freaking weeks and I'm missing my guy. Though we did find other ways to have fun without actually doing the deed.
Ricky says it's just our luck that when we officially became a couple we couldn't have sex to celebrate. I mean, it's been tough, but also nice. We've learned quite a bit more about each other just from laying in bed at night talking. It's a different kind of intimacy, but no less welcome. Not that we couldn't have done this before, but now we really didn't have a choice. So we chose to make the best of things.
But now, we’re both more than ready. It’s the middle of the week, though that hardly makes a difference to us. This past month has been pretty much the same most nights. We either hang out in my dorm room studying and watching a ton of movies and TV, the girls sometimes joining us. Or we spend time at the frat house with all the guys. The girls sometimes join us there too. Especially Bronte, she and Aaron have been especially cozy with each other lately.
I don’t mind the routine, in fact I cherish it. It’s the kind of thing that I always wished I had with Jackson, the kind of thing he never felt compelled to offer me. Ricky and I are so similar in that way. Obviously he enjoys a good party, but most nights he’s content to just be a couch potato with me. Yes, that’s definitely increased because of his accident, but I doubt it’ll change much now that he’s all better. Except he’ll be pretty busy with football again. I’m excited for him, but I’ll definitely miss our quiet nights in.
The plan for tonight is a fairly simple one. Everyone’s gathering at the house with pizza and beer to show Ricky some of the things he’s missed during practice the past four weeks. They were nice enough to record it all so that he didn’t fall too far behind. He’ll need to spend some time at the gym though to gain back some of the muscle he lost. Either way, it should be a good night. We decided to be good and hang out with our friends for a little while instead of running straight upstairs and ripping each other’s clothes off. A decision that Ricky had to talk me into more than I did him, believe it or not.
Wednesday is one of my easier days. I get a fair bit of time between each of my classes and I actually have some time to eat my lunch. That’s what I’m doing currently, sitting tucked into a corner, in a comfy chair in one of the main campus buildings. I usually hide out here during my break, because not many people come down this hallway. I can usually get a lot of work done or get through a big chunk of whatever I’m currently reading. Today though, Ethan finds me.
I can see him coming my way before he actually notices me and I kind of hope he passes me right by. I do like talking to him, but I really don’t want him to ask me out again. He’s such a nice guy and I don’t want to have to turn him down.
But he does spot me, so I wave him over to join me. There are two chairs in my little corner, I just usually set all my stuff on the second one.
“Hey Tessa. How’s it going?”
“Oh pretty good, Wednesday is one of my easier days in terms of workload,” I say with a laugh.
“How are you doing, I haven’t seen you since that last party. You know, the one not long before Ricky’s accident.” At the thought of that awful day I make a face.
“Yeah. I thought about calling you to see how you were after all that. I actually saw it happen. And I know you and Ricky are good friends so I’m sure you were pretty worried. I hear he’s doing a lot better now though, and should be back at practice in no time. In fact, most of the team is getting together at the house tonight to see him. Should be fun.”
“Right. I’ll actually be there tonight, you know with the team.” He raises an eyebrow in question, probably wondering why in the world I would be going to a team gathering. “Ricky and I are actually dating now, officially,” I say in what I’m sure is the most awkward delivery ever. But I mean awkward is inevitable when you’re telling a guy that wants to date you, a really nice guy for that matter, that you’re already dating someone. Someone that he knows and likes.
And my gosh this cannot be more awkward, which is so sad because normally Ethan and I can talk to each other so easily. I really don’t want to lose that.
“Thanks, I appreciate that. So I’ll see you tonight at the house then? Pizza, beer, football. Should be so much fun.”
He’s already standing up to leave as he turns towards me and says, “Yup, guess I’ll see you later.”
I swear if he could have run away from me at this moment, he would have. As soon as he’s gone I whip out my phone to text Bronte and relay all of the awkwardness that just ensued. Of course she thinks it’s hilarious, because she does not get what I see in Ethan. She thinks I should just kick him to the friend curb, because no good can come from trying to be friends with a guy you know likes you. Her words not mine. But I try not to dwell on it as I look forward to tonight and spending time with Ricky.
These boys definitely know how to have fun. Who would have thought I'd find discussion over practice footage so entertaining. Of course they've turned it into some kind of drinking game, which makes it that much more entertaining. Bronte and I have been watching them laugh and chat about who knows what for the last few hours. Neither of us bother to act like we know what they're talking about.
Ricky has only had one drink so that he can actually pay attention to the footage and learn from it. I can tell that just sitting among his friends has made him feel so much more like himself. It makes me so happy to see him happy.
He catches me watching him and gives me a smile. I point towards the backdoor to let him know I'm ready to go up when he is. I'm getting a bit tired and Bronte has ditched me to go flirt with Aaron. They're curled up on one of the chairs in the corner, heads leaned together, laughing about who knows what. And though Ethan did make an appearance for a while, he made sure to avoid me. At this point I'm more than ready to be alone with Ricky.